Desi Ex Files

5 Feb

The shrilling phone woke DG, it wasn’t early but any hour before noon on Saturday is technically early. It was T* hauling her heart out,

T: Are you up?

DG: Yeah sort of, tell me what’s up?

T: Baw, baw, baw….world is an unfair place, there is no God, there is no justice.”

DG: Um (yawning), oh my, what happened? Are you ok? Tell me what happened?

T: You know he is getting married to her today.

DG: Oh, how do you know?

T: I saw they have posted for registry, I saw it on their wall and you know what, I told it to my dad and he had the audacity to ask, “we could not understand what went wrong between you two?” what part he couldn’t understand that he was cheating on me with his ex-girl friend and he married her.

DG: Yeah, that is really insensitive. After all your dad is a man and he is from a generation that thinks woman is responsible for all marital debacles. But why did you go to their wall?

T: All our friends are common so I can see other people’s comments. It is injustice; he ruined my life and now is enjoying himself with her. I wish they should never be happy. What did I do to deserve this? Did I ask anything outrageous, just a marriage, a home and a family life, is it too much to ask?

DG: I can understand your feelings, but it is beyond you and me to ensure their unhappily ever after… This will hurt until you get what you want and move on… Yes, it’s been years since you enlisted on shaadi.com and encountered numerous scum bags. Each time you face an MCP you are back to square one… Give it a break and may be that will make a difference for now…

T: You know that medico I told you about, she filed for divorce because he could not get it up. She has been cursing every one now even she is married and pregnant. When such a negative and jealous person can get remarried within two years why not me? What is wrong with me? I feel like cursing him and his folks…

DG: Love, I do not know what to tell you. If you want to curse him then do it and get over it there after we are not going back there ever again.

Little more crying and sobbing and life went back to normal until another hurt. When ever we so called desi divorcees struggle with life and face social discrimination, it brings back all the bad memories and all the hurts back to life. Life for many of us just stopped (in desi sense) the day we were kicked out of married people’s club. We are not invited to desi gatherings; if we ever get an invite then dirty looks welcome us and keep an eye on us all evening. When some married woman is kind to us her well-wishers especially other women run to pre-warn her of our evil gaze and designs. God forbid if one of their men exchange customary greetings with us they make 100 meter sprint record to stand in between.

At times we pity these so called happily married women who think we’ll be designing to entice their pot bellied, half bald husbands. We may be looking for companionship but definitely not a married man who is straying on his marriage. Those of us with children (especially young or teen kids) see their exes introducing new girl friends to their children as flavor of the month prefer to stay single so that children have at least on stable household.

Dear ladies, if you are so insecure in our presence, then something is definitely wrong in your relationship kindly work on it than painting us black. Some of us still have it in us and getting a guy is not a problem. Yes, we know there are numerous desi scum bags who want to oblige but the ball is in our court. We can get what we want and we’ll not settle for anything less and why should we? One time compromise is enough we do not believe in second and third…

Such are the times when one wants to blame someone or curse the one who put us through this; who could be better than a spineless squid we now call ex.  All these feelings are normal but our desi upbringing often makes us feel guilty and then divine wrath scares us, wishing bad on someone begets bad karma.

Ah karma, isn’t it good we are done with it in this life time?

*Amu wants to be called T now on.

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17 Responses to “Desi Ex Files”

  1. Careless Chronicles February 17, 2011 at p02 #

    Hi, Not related to this post, but I tagged you to participate in an International Women’s Day blog contest conducted by Indusladies. Details at http://www.indusladies.com/forums/blogs/induslady/indusladies-2nd-annual-international-womens-4493/. Please participate.

    Thank you, will check it out.
    DG

    Like this

  2. Bikram February 17, 2011 at p02 #

    What about Women who do the same thing.. what shud a Desi GUY do then ..

    There are similar cases in the opposite gender too? :)

    Of course the same thing applies. Desi women’s situation is aggrevated coz’ there is so much stigma on a divorcee. It definitely hurts when people don’t get a closure. Person should have dignity to stand up and say “look my needs of A, B and C are not being met. I don’t blame you it is not working for me. Lets just part on talking terms.”
    But how many have this courage?

    Like this

  3. Cilla February 14, 2011 at p02 #

    DG getting over exes is tricky heck even if you did not marry them. Also when I read T’s reasoning reminded me of how I was badgering my parents about similar things for the last 2 years wrt work and marriage. I was passing on the abuse meted out to me unknowingly. Today after two years of sifting out my feelings, owning them up and learning to be less naïve, I have managed to come to terms with childhood disappointments that exacerbated the break up pain. What’s funny is I was grieving for a douche bag. And douchebags are sometimes so dense that they believe that a year later if they contact you indirectly, you would jump for joy.

    Anyways, DG one of the other aspects in this is that we desis are brought up as comparative individuals (don’t know if its the right usage). Our success, happiness etc is only good if it can be compared to someone else and found better, hence the added pain when douchebags move on and post happy pictures on fb, because we know of the 100 people who knew all about the breakup 80 might now conclude that the one who got someone else so soon is absolved of all faults. Such is the power of comparison and stereotypes.

    @Cilla,
    Sorry about what you went through. What doesn’t kills you makes you stronger holds good only if one works through it. Owning one’s part in the break up and one’s feelings is very important part of recovery. We desis especially women are raised with a measuring stick called relationships, each one of them has to be successful, we have to keep up with the Jones; most of all we are given impression relationships are a cake walk you find a partner and keep them for life. Nobody talks about how to be in a relationship. Break ups are great teachers, only if we learn how not to repeat the same mistakes.

    You are right we come into a relationship with a lots of baggage from our childhood. We attract exactly what we have, a half cup :) in look out for another half cup to make it full instead it becomes a big mess.

    Yes, Yes, yeas, dear these douchebags think they are hot cakes and we are still those needy little girls… What a fantsy they thrive on… DG’s favorite quote is:

    There are no second chances in love and war. Love is actually a war with self…

    Good Luck,
    DG

    Like this

  4. gallas February 10, 2011 at p02 #

    Jeeez we’r a grimy patriarchy, doomed to languish in the medieval ages forever…!

    the public is getting sensitized about divorce with every urban Indian family having a daughter, cousin, sister, neighbor, friend or relative into a failed marriage.

    Ranters however will continue to blame society solely for their ‘datelessness’

    Who makes the society? Society is not a person or a thing that we can point a fingure it comprises of faceless strangers and two faced knowns and some of those knowns are us.
    Change will come only if we change our selves and challenge all those practises and individuals that prevent us from changing instead of expecting the faceless strangers to change.
    DG

    DG

    Like this

    • nolongeraslave February 10, 2011 at p02 #

      Try telling my mom that about the public being “sensitized” to divorce. She’s terrified of anyone finding out that my father is actually my step-father. She’s convinced that nobody will like her or point fingers at her if they find out her past.

      I’ve thought about writing about that in my blog later on-having to pretend that a step-father is your real dad to save face in the Indian community.

      Like this

      • gallas February 11, 2011 at p02 #

        hi dear, divorce is such a trivial setback, mom spending rest of life in denial is unfortunate. But just like common stammering, the more fear and people making fun of ; the more retarded u get. I’ll read ur posts.

        Like this

  5. aseem February 9, 2011 at p02 #

    When such a negative and jealous person can get remarr aied within two years why not me? What is wrong with me? I feel like cursing him and his folks…

    Dont hold so much hate in your heart that there is no space left for love. Hate for others, however much be deserved, does leave onself’s heart cold and soul empty. Move on. Better things are always there

    One question for you DG, the most cases of marriage you describe is one where one partner is clearly wrong. But suppose that in a marriage nobody is wrong, both are good people. It is just that one person feels that he/she got a raw deal or simply that over the time,one person has simply out grown other person. How do you reconcile the differences and dissatifaction. Is it even right to do

    @aseem,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Atiya is one such person, they are wonderful people but are totally different people wanting totally different things from life. She wants out and he is reluctant to let go. Its been almost two years of living separately but he is not signing the papers to file for divorce. His only question is why can’t we work it out and she thinks there is nothing to work on we are two different people with different needs.
    DG have been telling them if you want to call it quits do it quick don’t keep it lingering cause that only makes it comfortable to stay in limbo and prevents you both from moving on.
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/11/28/desi-marriage-for-all-the-wrong-reason/

    DG strongly believes people should try to find an amicable solution to their problems if they cannot then they should seek marital and family counseling from a qualified profession (not run to mommy daddy or uncle aunty). If that doesn’t work then they should not hurt themselves or one another but call it quits. If a relationship is not meeting your needs what good is to ride a dead horse, just dismount or you’ll stay stuck. Key is to know when to call it quits or you’ll be just going in circle, sometimes passive aggresive and some times abusive.

    Who ever initiate the break up will feel guilty initially but will get over it by justifying it to themselves, they have already worked on the break up in their mind. The other needs to get closure if they don’t then they’ll keep hurting. Like T even DG never got a closure but her savior was the hit and run accident coz’ it occupied all her time, energy and effort so she had no time to ponder on what happened to her marriage but it did catch up few years later and she is still doing the healing work. It is a process, it takes lots of hard work and lots of time and there is no escape from it nor a quick fix to healing.

    DG hopes she answered your question.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

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  6. nolongeraslave February 9, 2011 at p02 #

    @Milky Chai

    That’s just how Desi culture is-The man often gets the upper hand. Some Desis say “Our culture respects women. Stop generalizing”, but there are quite a few aspects that are unfair to women. I have no idea why it’s like that other than the fact that Desi women are expected to act a certain way. Men just have more freedom.

    It is called Patriarchy :) Men become the center of the universe and every thing has to revolve around them…

    Like this

  7. Milky Chai February 9, 2011 at p02 #

    Why is it that it is ok for desi men to be divorced and then go on to date and remarry but not for desi women. In other words, why is a desi divorced man not taboo but a desi divorced woman somehow is taboo and everyone must stay away from her? It’s weird DG. I’m sorry, it really sounds like it stinks. But then again, when I accompany my husband and daughter to Indian functions they treat me the same way for the most part, especially the Gujarati community. I’ve noticed that only people who are nice to me are usually the South Indians.

    @ Hey Milky Chai,
    How D’? Where have you been long time no see :)
    How is princess and when is the new baby coming. Oh my, I have so many questions.

    Coming to your question why is it okay for desi men to be divorced and not for desi women… All DG can analyse the situation as, it appears the man dumped the bad apple (woman who refused to be tamed) so he did the right thing, where as, woman broke the norm either she could not break the man or she could not mold herself according to the great Indian tradition so she needs to be punished through social censure. The need to socially isolate a desi divorcee also emergece to set an example for other women who may follow her footsteps.

    Those nice to you are south Indians because Guratis do not want to give ideas to their young men that they can bring home a gori. DG has no doubts these same southies will give you the priah treatment if you had married a south Indian man. :) We are always kinder to those different than us either to prove our superiority or to put down the other more over we don’t have to take “the other” home.
    Peace,
    DG

    Like this

  8. Sexandtheindiancities February 6, 2011 at p02 #

    DG : be it marriage or a love affair , life does seem unfair when one person moves on and other is left wondering what went wrong.because its not over just by saying . she understand he is a scum bag and spineless squid , but heart still want that scum bag .its sometimes about ego and mostly about the indian way of bringing up a girl ..her self worth is measured in terms of her guy.if he prefers another , she is a looser .

    when her own dad is not able to ubderstand who else will ..a partner who cheats is NOT WORTH IT ..not even the tears and curses ..leave him/ her then and there and be thankful he/she is making somebody else’s life hell not yours :)

    Desi men / women are both insecure , have you seen men behaving rudely if a handsome guy compliment their wife , they Don’t mind complimenting or commenting on other women ofcourse ( like your example of desi mem) . and the way women cling to their men in presence of single/ divorced women .

    You said it sista, they’ll go ahead and compliment other men’s wives but will burn in rage if another man says a kind word their wife. It resonates in their head as “what is this beautiful woman doing with this ogre.” They have such a low self perception or may be that is what they mean when they compliment another man’s wife. That is what DG’s God forsaken now ex meant.
    T once told DG how her scum bag threw up a tantrum in the mall when a sales clark complimented her Indian out fit. This is the same man who was cheating on her.

    Like this

    • desibahu May 6, 2011 at p05 #

      another desi phenomena discovered. i call it a hypocrisy, but now i know it’s a desi man syndrome. sleep around with everyone, look at everyone, flirt, stare, hell just do it right there with everyone watching in public, but the wife….man, she cant even look at another man.

      Like this

  9. gallas February 6, 2011 at p02 #

    Thoughts about the ex and all good times? Envy is like porn dear … doesn’t stop till u pull the plug on the internet connection.

    Problem is if fighting a divorce, the effing Indian legal makes u preserve all pics n docs for god only knows how many years.

    I’ve done my part deleting all traces of my ex’s like it never happened… Feels better that way. Time will tell if the past catches up with me.

    Thanks God DG has nothing good to recall from the day she got engaged on wards. Basically they were three people sleeping in the bed, you, me and mommy and rest was taken care of by head injuries. :) There are times when even she wants to shout curses but it takes too much energy first, to select choicest curses http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qycw8ufIF_E and then to say them out aloud :) really too much work. DG can shame the laziest of the world :) .

    Hey if eliminating the traces of ex helps then why not do it… What ever works…

    Like this

  10. broken_no_more February 5, 2011 at p02 #

    Hi DG,

    As part of moving on, I have decided that I will never look for a future with another desi 37 year old or something, because I am sure that majority of the desi men are either “spineless squids” (i love that expression), or are narcissists. The only decent desi men I have met, were my friends in college, and a few here and there who respected women and so were also good husbands.
    So in my match.com profile :), i will weed out all the desi dudes, sorry no offense, especially the desi dudes who have come from india and present themselves as a good mix of east and west. It is time to expand the scope of out choice and date men who respect women. My therapist says the easy way to find out is to see how a man relates to his mother and sisters. And I also feel a mans relationship with his father goes a long way.

    As for the ex-es moving on, let them, always remember what goes around comes around, and there is always a higher power we all need to answer to.

    Peace

    Good for you. Definitely should get out of one’s comfort zone and explore other ethnicities. Desiness makes it bit easier as commanalities of cultural under pinnings but what good are such assumed comforts if the guy has uncut umblical chord. :)

    …how a man relates to his mother and sisters…

    That is what DG saw over attentive to them and sensitive to their needs and she thought he’ll be kind to her and kids… That was a pretty lame assumption. A good assessment of a person’s character is how he views women in general and those with less or no power than him. This God foresaken man had sensitivities only for his mother and sister all other women were objects for him. He was pretty polished, addressed women as mam’ and ji but one time we were to attend an event at his work; a lady dressed in long skirts was talking to every one and his reaction was “who is desi mem?” later we found out she was his boss’s wife. DG lost what ever little respect she had for him and knew it then it is never going to get better.

    Yes, familial relationships are a mirror to person’s take on intimate relationships. Defused boundaries, choas and drama junkies in family rub off pretty good :)
    Peace,
    DG

    Like this

    • nolongeraslave February 8, 2011 at p02 #

      If a man’s father was a good male model, I definitely think that’s a good sign. As for being close to his mom or sisters, there’s still a chance he will treat his wife or girlfriend badly! A mama’s boy may only have compassion for his mom, but no other woman in general.

      Like this

    • desibahu May 6, 2011 at p05 #

      “That is what DG saw over attentive to them and sensitive to their needs and she thought he’ll be kind to her and kids… That was a pretty lame assumption.”
      Ha me thought same thing. I had read if a man is good/caring with his mother, then he will treat you good. They should add “if he is not desi” at the end of this sentence.
      Desi men are thought to be the ideal sons and brothers, you know what this means? $$$$$$$$$$$$ sister i love u$$$$$$$$mother i love you$$$$$$$$$$. They are raised from beginning to think like this and do this. What is a wife in their minds? I don’t know. Garbage. A financial burden. A disease. Their brains are closed to the fact of the real financial burden. It hurts how the wife is treated like a second, last, or zero priority and mothers, sisters, and other women or other people’s wives come first.


      What is a wife in their minds?
      In the minds of such in-laws a wife is a sex slave in-laws brought for their sons to keep them from squandering money on multiple unrelated women. This slave also fulfills other functions like, cooking, cleaning, elder care, procreation to name a few.

      You are right in the minds of such husbands a wife is an obstacle preventing them from fulling their destiny as ideal sons and brothers.
      DG

      Like this

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  1. Living a lie: The stigma of remarriage in Indian culture | Refusing To Be Silent: Recovering from abuse in a family of Indian origin - February 14, 2011

    [...] https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2011/02/05/desi-ex-files/#comments, someone brought up the question of why it was taboo for a divorced Indian woman to move on, yet it [...]

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