A Relationship with “The Death”


A Relationship with “The Death”


DG was 19; a friend lost her brother she was with her all through the funeral that was the first time she ever saw a dead body. The youth and excitement of life just washed that memory until someone asked the question.
Some ten years back DG worked in remote dessert. One morning off to work saw a dead camel, within a week it was a pile of bones, flesh eating vermin and vultures were working overtime. But that sight of big creature turning into dirt impacted her a lot. She kept struggling with the thought what was the purpose of life if that was all its going to be… most of all adorning the body that is impermanent.
Then second encounter was 3 yrs later when she worked at leading medical college had to go to her office either through the wards or by the morgue. Those were very unhappy times, while crossing the ward she ran into ward boys who were pushing a fully bandaged body on the stretcher, guess it was a cadaver. The minute she was at her desk she just broke down. All she could think was did his loved ones’ know about him, did anyone miss him, did anyone cry for him… It stayed with her for a long time, she would wake up at nights and pray for this departed soul. May be she was just reflecting her insecurities emerging from a very unhappy marriage. Soon she went back to walk by the morgue and one day saw two women (in 20s) sitting with a body in a jeep. May be they came to claim a loved one after postmortem. Those feet seemed pale and cold; guess death is cold and pale…

Since 2003, DG has pledged organs but is still struggling with the thought of donating her body to science. Why is giving up body such a difficult decision? Once she is dead how will it matter what happens to her body. Guess, the attachment to body is the hardest to let go off.
In the west there is a whole economy of decorating the dead. The mortician, undertaker, undertaker’s assistant, funeral homes, limos, florist… What was once family affair and cathartic is now a financial nightmare for many.
More people are worried about the afterlife than the one they have. That is where east and west part ways, they keep the dead living all through the year through head stones and we close all accounts and come back on yearly basis (shradh).

In a course on Death and Grieving, DG and class was asked to draw a picture of your death. Young people drew these black clouds sucking life out of a body on a bed and seniors drew these symbolic images of going home. DG, a diehard romantic had not one but three pictures ready (she loves options) along with the music she would love to hear on her way out and the visuals she’ll prefer. As if she’ll remember… It doesn’t tax to dream… All those dreams that never came true so what another will make it to the list.

Occasionally DG and friends have discussions about death and our deaths for more than 10 minutes because none of us believes in heaven (purgatory is not heaven) or after life. It is not the death that scares us but the life; the prospect of long life, infirmity, lack of companionship, changing economic times and what not.

What is more scary definite death or unpredictable life…


6 Responses to “A Relationship with “The Death””

  1. Raj August 15, 2015 at p08 #

    Thank you for your kind words, I am touched by your response. For me there is no support, family? what family, I don’t have one. My wife and I are separated after my mum’s funeral and she want’s to divorce me. My brother’s and sisters are not what I thought they were, very selfish and self centred. I come from a typical punjabi joint family, dysfunctional and totally disorientated. My health is a right-off, just waiting to meet my maker, the only one thing in my life that keeps me going is my two daughters. They are my gift from God which I adore from my heart; very hard work but I am proud of them. It is for them I exist today, but my faith in family life has extinguished. I went to work, came home to family, did not socialise with people outside my family because I was contempted with my wife and two daughters so I had not outside influences either? and today I’m all alone.


    • girlsguidetosurvival August 21, 2015 at p08 #


      You said: “What family, I don’t have one…”

      Says a lot not about those you called family and about you. It is sad what has transpired with you but taking personal responsibility for your part in it will set the pace for healing.
      Some were controlling, others were selfish but we refused to learn the lesson and honor God/humanity given rights or we thought we didn’t have any power thus gave away our power all together. Now is the time to resurrect your humanity.
      One cannot wait and count days, there is more to life. May you find your calling and use your suffering to help humanity.

      Would you be interested in sharing your story with GGTS readers how you ended up all alone and what you could have done differently. DG assumes it will be a great service to other and will initiate healing for you.

      May you feel supported here on GGTS and else where.
      Desi Girl


  2. Raj July 18, 2015 at p07 #

    Dearest Friends,
    Without stating the obvious we are departing some earlier than others but, more importantly is how we do the “living bit”. When my mum passed away, thank the lord she went in her sleep, I saw her lying asleep; but what hit me like a bolt was that, that was the very moment my relationship had ended with the very person who created me and suffered for me and prayed for me all my life. I grieve for my mum all the time, some days are better and some days are worse, I miss her all the time. The living bit is how we treat each other as relationships elasticate, love is the greatest comfort to our souls and stability in our lives.
    The short period that we are here, enjoy it without hurting your fellow mankind, otherwise relationships can end suddenly without warning and we will grieve forever…….


    • girlsguidetosurvival July 24, 2015 at p07 #

      Sorry for you loss. DG commiserates with you. How you are coping with this loss DG will not use the customary “I understand,” she has no clue. Hope you have a good support system in place for your grieving, family, close friends and a SELF CARE PLAN- routine, healthy diet, exercise and listeners.
      Your relationship with her physical body ended in that moment but not with her. She is and will always be with you in spirit. You are very right in saying
      “the living bit is how we treat each other as relationships elasticate, love is the greatest comfort to our souls and stability in our lives.
      The short period that we are here, enjoy it without hurting your fellow mankind, otherwise relationships can end suddenly without warning and we will grieve forever…….”

      This link is basically improvised from loss by death. There are stages of grieving and there is no escaping from them. Anger is not mentioned in the post but it is an important one in case of sudden death. https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/breakup-grief-and-loss-2/
      Please feel supported here at GGTS, it is a safe space. You can leave a comment if you ever want to talk and we’ll.
      Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
      Desi Girl


  3. preetidutta July 8, 2012 at p07 #

    I grew up not discussing about death , about anyone’s death and never ever mine. Over the years saw few people dying , my grandparents , uncles and aunts .. I particularly miss one uncle who passed away 4 years ago . But now I have accepted that death is inevitable , i was discussing with My mom last month that i know in next 10 years i will see my nana nani dying , in next 30-40 you will also not be there , I do not know i will have anyone close alive when i will be old and not so healthy .

    I guess we are more scared about unpredictable life in ever unpredictable economic times, specially for people like you and me DG , you never compromised in marriage . There was time i was so isolated , that if i had an accident and died , no one would have known my house or how to find me .Now I keep people informed about my whereabouts .

    I am still not very comfortable talking or even thinking about my death .


  4. Julia July 6, 2012 at p07 #

    I really dislike the way we adorn the dead in western culture. I am have stated numerous times I want to be cremated, just a simple memorial ceremony. I HATE when we make up our dead. My brother’s best friend died when they were 20, they were life long friend, I knew the young man since he was a little boy. He was very handsome, he had big blue eyes and a large, kind smile. When he was made up, in his casket, he looks like a doll, a puppet even, I couldn’t bare to look at him.

    My first experience with the dead was my grandfather, who I loved and watched slowly die when I was 9, I had to kiss him before we closed his casket, another haunting memory.

    I feel for you DG, dealing with death is probably one of the hardest things, to be surrounded by it must be a nightmare.


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