Tag Archives: desi sex before marriage

Desi Parents: What Do You Know About Your Single 30 Something?

19 Jul

Desi Parents: What Do You Know About Your Single 30 Something?

The previous post opened a can of worms for Desi Girl. She received few responses on the blog and many private emails. GGTS has been discussing about lives and the issues facing highly educated and significantly employed desi women. The comment by @anjugandhi made DG think about the purpose of the said post.

She writes:

…I do admit that we should be clear and firm in our thoughts as to what we want

but before taking any step a slight consideration for the feelings of parents will go long way in re supporting the hopes and dreams of parents.


I do not know who she is referring to, male children or female children. I am assuming as a parent she had both teem boys and girls in her mind. I wonder would the same standards apply to adult men and women. Do men care for feelings of their parents when they make passes on women, ogle at women or even when they rape them. The guy from the message board in the previous post is he thinking about his parents or just his libido? All those men who frequent the red light areas do they ever think about their parents? Do parents even have any standards and feeling about their sons’ sexuality or it is just on loose. Is it only for women to think about parents, family and culture? Why do they have to shoulder the honor of families and communities? Because they are the mothers. Then what about fathers? One sperm is enough to claim paternity and natural guardianship but not to save the culture by their own sexual conduct. I wanted to do a whole post on loco parentis and in-loco parents but I’ll save it for some other time.

 The following poem (if it is one) is contributed by my dear friend S. S. She reserves the copy right to this piece.  It is dedicated to our friends who face these dilemmas everyday. 

 Desi Parents: What Do You Know About Your Single 30 Something?

Desi parents,

 What do you know about your single 30 something?

Your 30 something daughter

The daughter, you raised

 With dreams of her happily ever after future.

The daughter, you raised

Indoctrinating, strive for happily ever after.

What do you know about your single 30 something?


Desi parents,

 What do you know about your single 30 something?

She believed in your dreams

The dreams of prince charming,

The knight in shinning armor,

The happily ever afters…

 What do you know about your single 30 something?



For Su


She has met her prince charming,

He doesn’t meet your standards

Of caste, religion, region or what not…

You make her choose between you

and her prince charming.

She picks you. 

Your single 30 something is hurt

At least you are happy.


Desi parents,

 What do you know about your single 30 something?

The prince charming you

Bought her

Hasn’t touched her in years

And every one is asking

Why she is averse to motherhood.

Is it her eggs or her womb?

Did you bother to think, it could be him?

What do you know about your single 30 something?


At 39 she is single again,

Learning to live again,

Feel again.

Your eyes probe her

When she comes home late,

Be assured she has not yet

Slept with anyone.

She wants to but she can’t.

She has no skills to approach

Anyone she likes

She is scared and is still hurting.

What do you know about your single 30 something?


For Amu & T


Desi parents,

 What do you know about your single 30 something?

She tossed and turned

Every night on bed in a hope…

While the prince charming

You bought her, snoozed.

 Those tricks,

She picked from the sleazy porno

He showed her

In those early days.

Didn’t work either.

How could it?

He was cheating with his ex girlfriend.

His parents rejected to

Serve her (Amu/T) on the platter.

How dare you ask her?

What did she do to turn him off?

What do you know about your single 30 something?


Desi parents,

What do you know about your single 30 something?

How she went to court by herself.

Ten people work under her.

She pays her bills and taxes.

Why do you have to chaperon?

You know why?

Be assured she won’t

Your guilt has worked overtime.

She knows the Desi culture

Rests on her tired shoulders.

What do you know about your single 30 something?


For Pre


Desi parents,

 What do you know about your single 30 something?

You say I am jealous of my sister,

Her good marriage.

How lame, I want to protect her.

Her good hubby said to me

He understands my pain and

Could help me know what sex is…

Are you ready to digest this?

Can I complain?

You will accuse me because

 I am the 30 something virgin.

What do you know about your single 30 something?


For  SP


Desi parents,

 What do you know about your single 30 something?

The days my child is with him, (shares child custody with ex)

I go on dates.

I meet them in bars.

We sit and chat.

We meet again.

He puts his hand on my knee.

I suck my breath and

Leave, saying I’ll call.

I never do. I want to

But I never do.

I hate it but what do I do?

I have a child and guilt to nurse.

What do you know about your single 30 something?

Desi Dilemma: To Get laid or Not to Get Laid

13 Jul

Desi Dilemma: To Get laid or Not to Get Laid

In last one week I have been bombarded with question at least 5 times by four different people and then I read this on a message board

Name: Lover

Date: 2010-04-29


I have a very loving and caring boy friend. We were in relationship for the past 4 years. I’m from south and he is a northie. Our marriage is fixed to happen after 2 years. As he is in north,i havent met him for the past 1yr 9 months. He is coming to meet me and i’m so excited. Though we have stayed lot of times together, i never allowed for sex. But this time, he is so adament bout sex and he is compelling me. I dun want to have sex before marriage. I said NO, and frm tht time he is upset and he said he ll cancel his tickets. Just to console him, i said yes now. But i really dont want to. How i can tel him NO so that we wont have any fights after he come here. I love him a lot and he is just in western culture and i’m in south..thts d prob 😦 Pls suggest.. 

The responses by other readers are pretty amazing. Left me wondering are relationships all about compromising one’s comfort to please another or manipulating the other.

 Saturday I went to Uni after morning Sadhna. A 22 year old male desi student approached me. We exchanged greetings and he asked if he could talk to me. We sat in the Student Association lounge and I asked how I could help him. He said, he felt he could talk to me because I am Desi and I am in Bana (weekends I wear Bana minus turban). (So Bana brings with it comfort of approaching a woman I did not know that.) He began with his problem; he is 22 and is sleeping around with anyone in skirt including Desi aunties who approach him at the temple. My response was dude; you are in guy heaven what your problem is? He insisted a tiny voice within his head reprimands him he feels guilty he thinks of ending this cycle and then he meets next skirt and it starts all over again. He believes it is not right but he can’t stop.

If it is bothering you then don’t do it very simple. Why me for this TMI? Because I want to know how you control your mind and actions. Do Sadhna or go and see school counselor. I am no ascetic, I know one thing for sure when you let someone become intimate with you they penetrate your aura and it takes 5 to 7 years to clean up your aura. I am still cleaning the mess from those 8 years I have no desire to start the nonsense again until I am really sure if that is what I want. It is lots of work but it is worth it at least that tiny voice doesn’t bothers me. My parting words were practice safe sex or you’ll end up with AIDS or child support payments for rest of your life.

Last fortnight, A (you met him here) went on a first date after communicating with the lady over internet for 4 months. He drove 120 miles to and fro to meet this 38 yr old school manager, who owned a house and a big car. According to A every thing seems good. She has goals of having a family in next two years and retiring in Caribbean, the only obstacle is to find the man to settle down with (pretty measurable and legitimate goals). She told him she believed in sex before marriage to check out sexual compatibility before she seals the deal. He was pretty freaked out. For him it is not a Christian thing to do. He believes marriage is a spiritual journey and needs to be honored. Though he clearly stated his stand, she insisted they meet again and talk.

This weekend he drove up north again and offered to cook for the lady and spend the day watching Slumdog Millionaire. She insisted going out. He shelled $150.00 to hear it won’t work because he doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. He was pretty pensive (I said, dude be happy it is just $150.00 and four months or else it would be $200,000.00 and 18 years of child support). I also said, dude you are worse than a Desi woman. Leave this drama-shrama to us, it is our copy right. He was more upset about the double standards the lady had as she was advocating abstinence for teens in her school.

Now it was my turn to be upset with A. How can he expect same ideals for a teen and a woman in her late 30s. Her biological clock is ticking; people above 40 are already receding in sexual encounters per year. Will she have time to figure out what works sexually while she is focused on making a baby?? Once the baby comes recreational sex will be out of window, kaboom there goes her sexual fantasies. He accused me of acting like a white man. Last time Ambi accused me acting like a white woman. Great now gender ambiguity.

 T called to say how pissed off she is that she’s been divorced for 6 years now and all her youth is passing by without sex where as the jerk who cheated and put her through all these hardships is sleeping with his new wife. Relative deprivation is natural when you believe sex is reserved only for marriage because you grew up with similar messages. She was even mad at herself and her desi upbringing why can’t she have mindless sex like other women she knows. Dear, you need a guy you are attracted to. Those you are attracted to are jerks and you don’t like jerks. So how is it supposed to work? You don’t want to date other ethnicities and your desi fixation is going no where. D is mad she’s been never married and is missing out on sex too. At times I wonder if sex is over rated just as marriages are.

Don’t Get Laid Because:

  • You are told it’s a biological need. Give me a better reason. I haven’t seen anyone dying without sex.


  • You are feeling relatively deprived because every body else is getting laid and you are running out of your share of intimacy or orgasms. You never felt relatively deprived when your peers were committing suicide. How about competing for that. You do not know what is going on with other people’s lives, focus on your life and needs.


  • Your partner wants to take the relationship to next level. The argument is exchanging bodily fluids will strengthen the bond. As if it is Fevicol. If that was the case sex could fix all those marriages that ended in divorces. If your partner is pushing you to have sex and you are not comfortable with the idea it should tell you something about your partner and your relationship. A relationship is more than getting laid. It is about respect for your partner, their feelings and comfort level. Today it is penetrative sex tomorrow it will be some weird sexual fantasy. Talk it now than fighting it out later. Even if you get laid for this reason and later find other red flags, walk out. It is not the end of the world.


Get Laid Because:

  • That is what you want to do. You want to do it for you, not to please your partner or score with your peers.


  • You are responsible enough to deal with its emotional outcomes like disappointment if it didn’t take you to cloud nine, guilt because you broke your own rule or your partner just dumped you and now you are feeling used and defiled.


  • You are responsible and you understand inherent risks STDs and pregnancy. Be informed about available services and where to seek help. If you are a woman and find your self pregnant, please don’t kill yourself. Talk to your partner check out your options, you know your priorities and circumstances the best don’t get influenced by what others are saying. Also, Planned Parenthood is there to help.


  • You are sure you’ll not get (feel) hurt and won’t hurt the other person.

These are just Desi Girl’s views do what ever works for you without hurting yourself and others, planet earth included.

A Desi Girl's Guide to Relationship Survival

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

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