Signs of an Abuser


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Here are classic Signs of an Abuser:

Pushes for Quick Involvement:

Soon after meeting he starts talking about exclusive commitment and wants to take the relationship to next level be it physical intimacy or engagement or not seeing other people. In case of Mahajan, agreed he was on the show exclusively for marriage but both of them could have asked for more time to know each other than be surprised after marriage.

 Jealous:

Excessively possessive; calls constantly; crashes on you; is always suspicious either you are looking at someone or someone is looking at you. He feels insecure all the time. Mahajan insisted in the middle of the night his wife tell him who sent her an SMS. If it was urgent she would have told him but he could not wait because he was jealous and insecure.

 

Controlling:

Calls you constantly and too much or asks too many questions and cross questions about your day such as, where were you? Who was with you? Why did it take so much time etc? If you named a person you were with he may even call them to confirm if you are telling the truth. He may monitor your phone calls, may visit your work unexpectedly Don’t be surprised if he keep a tab on your car/scooter mileage. Makes most of the decisions in the relationship, you don’t voice your opinion because you are afraid of upsetting him. 

Another dimension of control is manipulation. Often abusers in the beginning of the relationship are readily available to meet all your fancies. They’ll go far and beyond to meet your expectations in a way that you’ll feel obligated to meet their requests.

Unrealistic Expectations:

Wants you too meet all his needs be it of affection or releasing anger. You should be perfect woman, ideal wife, girlfriend etc.

 Isolation:

Prevents you from meeting your family and friends or people who do not approve of him. He accuses your supporters or his detractors as “trouble makers,” or “causing trouble in the relationship.” Checks or insists on checking your purse, diary, phone. Prevents you from meeting your friends. All this doesn’t have to be direct.It can be done very lovingly like, “I want to spend all my time with you,” “I feel lost when you are not around.” “I miss you when you go away.” It is a way of controlling your every wake moment and isolating you from people. He can even go to an extent to jeopardize your job by delaying you from reporting on time, showing up at your work, calling you too many times at work. If this continues either you’ll quit or you’ll be fired. 

Blame it on the World:

The angry young man of 70s and 80s is still around. Every thing wrong is someone’s fault. You made me angry by not following what I said. He cut me on the road that made me loose my temper. It is always someone’s fault.

 You can Save Me or I Die:

Never takes responsibility for his actions and behavior. You made me angry, you made me do X. I am unhappy because you won’t do X for me. I am sulking because you did not agree with me. It is your job to keep me calm and happy. Devdas is drunk and dying of cirrhosis because Paro won’t forgive him. To save him from cruel death is her job.

Hypersensitivity/Drama Junkie:

Every thing is about the abuser. He/she is easily insulted, feels hurt a about minor things. People are looking at me. I know what you are thinking. Rants about divine injustice meted out to him, as if the whole world is after him/her. The universe is out to get him.

His relationship be it with his parents and siblings are pretty dramatic regular fights, pouting and make up.

Cruelty to Animals and Children:

Yells at, beats or kills animals. Expects little children to perform beyond their age. May tease children to such an extent that they start crying. 65% abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

Insensitivity:

Is rude and abusive to those with less power than him/her. Feels entitled to the services of those with less power and prestige. May yell at beggar; be rude to waiter or porter. Look out for these signs they can blow away a very polished exterior.

Verbal Abuse:

Uses foul language, curses, degrades, calls names, and says cruel and mean things.

Rigid Gender Roles:

Believes in stereotypical gender roles, expectations and entitlements. Example, house keeping is a woman’s job; if a man helps he is doing her a favor. Man is the head of the household etc.

Unexplained Mood Swings:

Switches from sweet nothings to violent verbal berating or physical violence. Breaks things and plays rough while still talking sweet nothings. In all desi languages there is a saying “his/her anger is like boiling milk,” it is a way of endorsing and minimizing abusive behavior. Someone just released their pent up anger at another person for no reason or someone just released their displaced anger on a wrong person. After a release they are normal and the recipient is dealing with the after effects and confusion.

Past Battering:

Reluctantly admits battering previous partner but blames it on her for instigating him. “She made me do it.” Mr. Mahajan has classic history of partner battering. Had Ms Ganguly paid attention she could have saved the heartache. Past behavior is the mirror of future behavior. It is very hard for abusers to keep up the façade, sooner or later their true colors show. Yes, people can change only if they take responsibility of their behavior and realize there is a problem. None had happened here.

Makes Threats of Violence:

Threatens to use force if you do not submit to his demands. “I’ll beat you.” Then immediately denies it. “I was just joking.” “Do X or I’ll kill my self.” “If you try to leave I’ll kill you or I’ll spread rumors about you.” In a way he’ll blackmail you. You are affraid of his threats because you know he is capable of executing them. You are afraid of breaking up the relationship. May be you do not know how to break up.

Violent Sexual Fantasies:

Playful use of force during sex. Finds rape exciting. Throws or pins you down during sex.

An average middle class dating scene will some thing like this click to read…

Read How Abuse Begins…

PS: Attributes of an abuser mentioned here are based on Conflict Tactics Scale 1 & 2, used across the world for more than 70,000 times. Some readers may feel they qualify as an abuser that means there is something in their behavior towards their partner that is not right. They may take inventory of their conduct and work on their relationship. That is a choice they have to make Desi Girl do not judge anyone but she definitely does not condone violence in any form.

8 Responses to “Signs of an Abuser”

  1. doug September 23, 2011 at p09 #

    my wife had her children taken by ajudge and couldnt see them anymore untill they reach 18 because social services said she sexually molested them anally . I dont know if its true but my point is you need to warm people here that women do bad things to so they can know to be on the lookout

    Please read other posts here at GGTS before you make other remarks on this one post. According to you your wife was a bad person and 10 of your girl friends were people with problems so what should one make of it. The only perfect being is… Creator of the universe I guess.
    DG

    Like this

  2. doug September 23, 2011 at p09 #

    why are you so biased and sexist against men here. All the things bad you end with a he. Ive had about 10 relationships with women and am not violent. or have mood swings but several of the women ive been with do. yet you ALLWAYS say “HE” here. Do you really women are PERFECT and NEVER do anything violent or controlling? If you do then you havent lived very long or been living on another planet. I wish women didnt have mood swings everymth and get in fights with my girlfriends who are JUST friends . SHe broke susans nose just because she came by to say happy birthday to me and said if she ever talked to me again shed fix her and cost her her job then tore up our pictures and set them on fire and wont let me even call or talk to my abrother pr sister. Believe me you need to say she/he or him or her. Yu are very sexist elite here and and discriminate agianst all men just because some are bad , thats like hating blacks because somea re bad and that

    Why is the pronoun “HE” is so bothersome for you in this post? “HE” has been the normal order of the day for centuries and people like you never had a problem with it. When did DG claim women aren’t capable of violence or oppression? You haven’t read other GGTS posts yet.

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/03/24/401/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/12/07/desi-mothers-in-law/

    Did you notice you mentioned 10 relationships and all those women were controling and used mood swings as an excuse to execute violence. Do you see a pattern there? So you mean to say you can’t find women with healthy personalities or you are just attracted to dysfunctional type.

    What part of A Desi Girl’s Guide to Relationship Survival you didn’t understand?
    Before you teach diversity and senstivity to DG please refer

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/about/

    DG

    Like this

  3. doug September 23, 2011 at p09 #

    my wife asked me to pin her arms down when were making love, she tells me its a turn on for hwr. im not into it , i want to be oassionate unstead and gentle but she said it makes her feel more like im a man and shes a woman and sometimes she holds me down. i think mabe your painting it all with the same brush. everyone is different when it comes to sex

    S and M between consenting adults is never a problem. Force used to subdue another human to exhibit power and control over them is always a problem. If you are feeling you are being maniputaled to do something against your volition then please seek legal counsel and get out of the marriage, you already declared in the previous comment you have been unhappy since 90s.
    DG

    Like this

  4. doug September 23, 2011 at p09 #

    hey i was very happy in the 70s and 80s, and so was every guy i knew, it was the girls who were so ubhappy and angry and now are even worse there are even speciallaws so women wont go to jail if they assualt men now

    @doug,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.

    Yes, girls in 70-80s were collectively unhappy and angry for the first time since the advent of patriarchy and that anger did change the power balance for some men who were abusing women and children. And men accross the centuries were unhappy and angry for no aparent reason, be it middle ages, WW I, WW II, internal conflicts or international invasions.
    Not all men are complaining, why are the few cry babies making such a loud noise?

    Because the changing order of the day demand change in centuries old privilges and accountability. Aren’t you thankful that anger of 70-80s brought about no fault divorce, if one is so unhappy they can get out, no questions asked. That is what he did to DG, beat her black and blue and when she was in the hospital he declared her missing and filed for no contest divorce, viola!!! he is still a victim.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Please

    Like this

  5. NLAS September 10, 2011 at p09 #

    I need advice from anyone who wants to give their input. I deleted my blog on sexual abuse, because my partner will keep tabs on it. I dated a white man for a year thinking that he was the right person for me. He seemed so much better than my Indian exes, and he seemed so understanding about my family history. I could freely say I was an incest survivor without being made to feel like damaged goods or ruining the “izzat.”

    After a year, controlling behaviors are starting to surface. He thinks he’s not controlling and that it’s all in my head, but I know for sure that I’m not getting my own space and my limits aren’t being respected. I’ve tried talking to him. He refuses to see it from my point of view. It has to be his way, because he thinks he’s know it all.

    My question if I should go back to dating Indian men. My current boyfriend is a saint compared to the Indian men I’ve met, but my mom is saying I just met the wrong people. Is it worth ending this current relationship and trying to find a mature Indian man that will respect my needs and myself?

    @NLAS,
    Welcome back to GGTS, a safe space.

    You needn’t have to delete your blog it was a great resource for many. Please revive it and you may not update just let it be. This is a suggestion but you are the best judge.

    DG assumes you are able to see a pattern in your relationships. You are dating your abuser and your mother just little younger, with a different gender, name and different shape. This will continue until you do not learn your lesson and heal the primal hurt. There is peace yet to be made with these two people; forgiving and letting go. Forgiving does not mean you have to love them it is just accepting the fact you cannot go back and fix anything so you move forward with what you have learned about your self.

    How about taking a break from dating for now? :) and working on healing your inner child and liberate your soul.

    …mature Indian man that will respect my needs and myself?
    Now that is a perfect example of an oxymoron.

    Hope this helps. If anyone else pitchs in their two cents DG welcomes them.
    Peace,

    Desi Girl

    Like this

    • NLAS September 11, 2011 at p09 #

      Desi girl-It’s interesting how you say to let go, as I feel the same way. My lovely partner says “You should be angry at them! The more angrier you are that them, the more you will feel better.”

      What? Filling yourself up with resentment and revenge doesn’t do anything. It hurts you more than the perpetrator. What’s odd is that he tells me to get angry, but still gets upset with me when I do show anger. A lot of mixed messages here. He is so set that his advice is right and dismisses psychology experts as “idiots.”

      The blog is back up. :)

      @NLAS,

      It pays him to keep you angry coz’ that way it is easier to control you. If you are angry at something he did he can shrugg it off as “you are basically angry at your parents but your are deflecting it at the wrong person.”
      The more you are angry the at a person, place or thing the more control they have over your life as you give away your power to them. Choice is yours who you want to have power over your life, your abusers, your current partner who is a manipulator or you.

      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Like this

    • NLAS October 3, 2011 at p10 #

      By the way, GGTS..what is my lesson to learn? Forgiving my parents? Anything else?

      @NLAS,
      DG is no soothsayer and she cannot give you any cookie cut answer to your question. Most of all it is for you to find. We have discussed it over our chat. DG has clearly mentioned in her response what you could try.

      …This will continue until you do not learn your lesson and heal the primal hurt…
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/signs-of-an-abuser/#comment-1672

      The lesson for each one of us in an abusive relationship is, first time we weren’t aware and had no control over what was being done to us but now we know better and we refuse to be manipulated and violated in the name of loyalty, love or our need to be loved and approved of.
      Our primary relationships lacked, safety, unconditional love and nurturance. We cannot create them in our primary relationship and we cannot make other relationships our primary relationships rather we have to create new relationships that value us and provide us with safety, love and nurturance but we need not call it our primal relationship.

      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Hope this helps.
      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Like this

      • ann May 23, 2012 at p05 #

        hey DG BG ..u sound like a proper sexist lesbian who has no clue abt men ..

        @ann,

        Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
        Yes, DG has no clue about men but abusers she does.
        What is wrong with being a lesbian? If you think she is a lesbian then you are entitled to your opinion.

        These signs are based on Conflict Tactics Scale (CTS) and CTS Revised (CTS2). Please google the terms and educate your self.

        Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
        Peace,
        Desi Girl

        Like this

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