Tag Archives: dasi sex

A Time To Grow Up

5 Jan

A Time to Grow Up

01/05/2014

Finally someone is talking sense
“When a grown up, educated and office-going woman subjects herself to sexual intercourse with a friend or colleague on the latter’s promise that he would marry her, she does so at her own peril. She must be taken to understand the consequences of her act and must know that there is no guarantee that the boy would fulfill his promise.

But this sensibility came loaded with lots of moral BS

She must understand that she is engaging in an act which not only is immoral but also against the tenets of every religion. No religion in the world allows pre-marital sex,”

Why can’t desi judges shut their moral BS and stick to the books. Moralizing defeats the whole purpose of taking responsibility as an independent agent. What about atheists? They have no religion do they still have to subscribe to this judge’s BS or they’ll have to just grow up and take responsibility for their actions.

It is high time desi women learned sex does not mean marriage, broken promises are not rape but buying peace in marriage with sex is definitely marital rape. It is ridiculous when consenting adults refuse to take responsibility for their actions and play the victim game. Sex no matter how protected can lead to pregnancy and STDs, what part of this fact is hard to understand is beyond DG. Desi women bear the differential consequences of exposed sexual indulgences and worse in case of premarital pregnancy. In a system where premarital sexuality of women is frowned upon and penalized in the form of social ostracism and stigmatization women are bound to either limit it by setting boundaries of practice that are conditional (ultimate goal is marrying the person you sleep with) like sex with fiancé, or sex with someone who’ll be her future spouse etc. If the mother lode of desi cultural upmanship was not rested in female bodies and their sexuality women will take more responsibility for their actions rather play victim.

In 1950’s whole nation wept for unwed Mala Sinha in Dhool Ka Phool and made it super duper hit these were the same people who would stigmatize and ostracize an unwed mother in the neighborhood if not stone her alive. If women of 1950’s in bollywood and reality did not understand that sex can lead to pregnancy but not marriage they did not learn it in 1960s, 70s, 80s, 90s and 2000+ either because of this same moral BS this judge spouted above.

In those early decades a woman ended up with pregnant belly in lieu of broken promises now she has another sword hanging on her, STDs and HIV. It is high time women started taking responsibility for their sexuality. This does not mean it is all women’s responsibility as it takes two to get laid. Men cannot just walk away from their responsibility they have to be accountable for their actions too. Now is the time to ascertain consequences for men too. It is time men start understanding a woman may or may not abort and if she doesn’t you are responsible for the seeds you sowed. You like it or not sex even if protected has consequences at times.

Just because woman’s sexuality and motherhood out-of-wedlock is stigmatized for this one reason men can walk away from shouldering any responsibility for paternity. A woman’s right to her body to determine what she does with the fetus is hers but consequences are yours to bear for next 18 years in the form of child support, you like it or not. Unless we ascertain accountability for paternity we cannot ask women to stop being perpetual victims.  All those men who denounce child custody in lieu of not paying child support and alimony should too be brought under this gamut. It will be thrown in DG’s face that women will purposefully get pregnant if not to force a man into marriage, then for child support those naysayers will love to forget this is des and life for single mothers is not a cake walk for many decades to come by…

Think before you get laid…

Desi Dilemma: To Get laid or Not to Get Laid

 

 

DG is pretty sure there will be a barrage of hate mail and flak for this post but in these many years she has become use to it.

The second news link needs a separate post about women who become mistress and rights of first wife in desi context these are complex issues as women’s dependence on marriage and man are social cultural crutches for majority.

Though did not want to start 2014 with this kind of post but couldn’t help. Hope readers had good 2013 and will enjoy 2014…

Her Marital Home: His Inherited Property

22 Jul

Her Marital Home: His Inherited Property

07/22/2013

Whenever there is a mention of women’s rights and any proposal of legal protection for women especially desi women everyone becomes an expert and filth starts flying from all directions thanks to internet and its anonymity. It is a sad story just like the anti stalking bill in the parliament few months ago where democratically elected lampoons were jumping up and down to the extent that one even went ahead and said, “who amongst us hasn’t chased women? We are men that is what we do?” With such a sense of entitlement it is hard to expect any good coming by for women.

Last evening, IHM sent DG one line email asking what are DG’s views regarding the wife being given a share from the house a couple was living in, even if it is inherited or inheritable (like in Joint Families I suppose). She was referring to her latest post about the new bill in the parliament. We have done this in the past in-boxing co-bloggers to clarify concepts and issues. What DG wrote back IHM suggested she post here for everyone to read, hence this post. Along with that response DG has also included few comments she had made at IHM’s current post.

DG has spent most of her activist life working in the grassroots working with women and children  experiencing domestic abuse while she was still in des and then abroad. The organization she is affiliated with has actively contributed to drafting of this bill over the decades. In future posts DG will post few examples both from her personal and professional experience how the concept of marital home actually works in real life, here she’ll stick to technical stuff related to marital home and inherited property of the male spouse.

Colonial roots of current problems

Going back to 1858 when India came under the rule of crown and the white man’s burden set out on the project of taming the native male beast who brutalized native women, rather emasculating the native male for crown deemed it incapable of taking care of their own women. The native male elite in order to resist this emasculation gloated in the distant past that he called “golden age of ancient India.” It was like a blind man searching for a black cat in a dark room that never was there. Coming back to the topic, the natives did not have a singular rule of inheritance though they were patriarchal like the colonizer but they had too many customary laws governing the actual practice of property succession depending on the locale and community. For the purposes of uniform administration and tax collection colonizer selectively chose areas of reform, land restructuring and reform being the primary then selectively leaving the family laws for native elite to feel in control. New land revenue systems included landlord systems, individual cultivator-based systems, and village-based systems the latter two allowed individuals and families to maintain the de facto structure of property rights that previously existed; patriarchal and male coparcener neither benefiting nor disinheriting women all together.

The Indian Succession Act of 1925 did not include Hindus who were majority and were governed under the Mitakshara system of succession. The Hindu Women’s Rights to Property Act, 1937 for the first time made a Hindu widow a party (possession not ownership as coparcener) to deceased husband’s estate along with her son (coparcener) not daughter. It was only in 1956 with the advent of Hindu Succession Act 1956 that women’s right to property is spoken of. In their over zealousness the law makers actually harmed the interests of women by tweaking the Mitakshara succession system. By definition:

1. coparcenary (unity of ownership) is the essence of this system.

2. son was a coparcener by virtue of birth in the joint family property, as an adult he could demand partition of this property during the life time of his father.

3. son could prevent (both in action and word) his father from unauthorised alienation of ancestral property.

4. a coparcener has no right to alienate his undivided share in the joint family property. On his death without male offspring, his share goes to his brother.

5. The widow of deceased coparcener has a right to maintenance but she cannot enforce partition.

With Hindu Succession Act 1956, Section 6, a daughter was added as an coparcener but mother, wife and widow were left out. The father could dispose his share in undivided joint family property and could alienate another coparcener both son and daughter by making a will, this also applied to residence as question of agricultural property for women was never asked. In Mitakshara system if daughters had no coparcenary rights at least they still could reside under their father’s roof and a father could not throw away a son who refused to tow the line be it disagreeing to an arranged marriage or marrying outside the caste. When one law gives women access to something the other competes to disempower them at the same time. Not many fathers treated daughters as coparceners but many chose to will them out of natal family’s residential property. It is this statute men on electronic media are making much hue and cry about that women as daughters should ask for their share from fathers and not claim a share in husband’s inherited property. There is yet no law that makes wife a coparcener in her husband’s undivided joint family property. It is a long road ahead.

It is Hindu Succession (Amendment) Act 2005(HSAA) which deleted the gender discriminatory clause on agricultural land for just Hindu women not all Indian women. The Punjab Haryana examples given about women denouncing their right to father’s property in favor of their brothers actually never existed until HSAA 2005. Married daughters were just making a promissory note that they’ll not file a suit as a coparcener to the natal home, thus only an unmarried daughter had a right to remain in her father’s home but not own it.

English Marriage vs Desi Marriage

Now coming back to the primary question what happens to the roof over woman’s head if she lived her marital life in her husband’s undivided joint family. It is not surprising if the legal meaning of marriage differed in England and India in colonial times it continues even today. The British, once married  the couple is considered as a single legal independent unit that set up a household together and neither their parents nor their children had any control over the assets they acquired together. Whereas, in India the new bride “joined” man’s family in his natal home where people of two or more generations in vertical (by blood) and horizontal (by marriage) hierarchy lived together under one roof and only coparceners had the right to residential property during the life time of the primary coparcener (husband). Now from this understanding we can draw number of hypothetical scenarios that are generating so much paranoia in Indian men about their emasculation by Indian legal system and women.

Breaking up while under the joint roof

In case of marital discord women have been thrown out of joint families in the middle of night and when they ask for spousal or child support men wash their hands of the responsibility by saying the house belonged to the family and he like her was just living there thus has nothing to give her. If she insists the man seek his coparcenary rights and take his share of property and then give her what is rightfully her due be it a room or an amount that would be half of what his share amounted to. The “karta” the head of the family, father of the man can immediately alienate/disinherit the man from his coparcener rights thanks to HSA 1956  in order to prevent the daughter-in-law from begetting anything. It is more complex than it is visible to our eyes. It is basically about primary residence of the married couple during the entire duration of the marital union no matter where it is, in the extended family or ancestral house they live in and other family members may be living abroad.
The share will be calculated according to the duration of marriage and it will be subtracted from  what ever is man’s share with respect to other share holders in the joint family so that woman can have a roof over her head or be provided with money so that she can buy a place or pay the deposit for a rented home (deposit often runs in lakhs). A woman who was married for three years cannot have same percentage of share as the one who was married for twenty years. Use some common sense.

What about other women under the joint roof

Some people are worried about the other women living under the same roof who will be rendered roofless in compensating one woman. There are ways to work this out the one who is leaving the joint household need not be paid lump sum at one time she can be provided with easy monthly payments that will give her rent money and living expenses. It is not a rocket science.

Joint Family Business

There is a big section of middle class men that works in family owned businesses and no one knows who is earning what. It is here the court has to decide what the primary earner (usually man) earned during the life time of marriage so that wife can be compensated and child care can be assured.

At the name of woman walking out of a bad marriage man’s family immediately declare him absconding or lampoon who doesn’t contribute an iota to family business whom they have disinherited quite some time ago. Thus woman is rendered penniless and roofless in a minute.

For example: For example: If Sr. Ambani was still alive and one of the brothers were to seek divorce even though they lived in separate homes but still earned from the family business. The man’s share can be calculated from the day he got married divided by three (if only father and 2 sons were working together, but it is here the problem arises coz’ they have Sons-in-law working for them too) so it will be divided by joint business owners and then divided by 50% between man and the woman for the duration they were married.

Same way if the woman is married to a marginal farmer (someone with a very small holding but is also a peasant in other people’s fields to make ends meet), it will be what they made together, even if it is a hutment and little earning they brought from that one field.

The minute you talk about giving something to the woman the number of shareholders go up and her share is reduced to nothing or families go ahead and declare their son or brother is not contributing to the business or has cheated or is alcoholic or lampoon. Hamare kahane mein nahin hai…

A woman asked:

Ansestral property is handed down thru family and why would I split that??

And DG’s answer is:

for exactly the same reasons you’ll uproot a woman from her natal home and force her live in an almost stranger’s home with his natal family.
This is exactly the reason used for centuries why would you split ancestral property by giving a share to female child who is going to leave at marriage (paraya dhan).

The idea of community property/joint property, the property and assets acquired by the couple during the entire duration of the marital union is pretty alien to Indians given the free ride men have in patriarchy. In rural Rajasthan there is a saying, the children belong to man and his family for the woman did not bring them from her natal home, like wise she can leave with what he brought with her. If a woman stays home and does the status production work (making it possible for man to work outside home while she makes sure he has clean clothes for work and his guests are taken care of when they visit and so on…) along with care giving and upbringing of children according to the caste and class position etiquette. Even if she was working outside home for income why should there be any doubt about dividing the assets and the savings they acquired  together during the total duration of this playing house?

Another smart elk asked:

also if the mans a liability in terms of financial loans acquired before and after marriage, will the wife gets a 50% share of that too on divorce.why not ??

Yes, woman and her children suffer more than the idiot who gambles away family assets and his earnings. When you talk about equal division of joint marital property losses are included by default for the duration of marital union not for what debt one acquired before marriage, be it for building his parents a house or paying for his sister’s dowry or capital fee for his brother’s admission.
Same way a woman may bring her student loans into marriage she is responsible for them not him. It is student loans that become a bone of contention with man and his family coz’ they expect her parents to pay for it and she should just hand over her salary to them as is spend it in the marital home. As more women are marrying late and are also marrying for second time they are going to bring assets into marriage, some will bring student loans too. What man or woman brings into the marriage; assets and income they had acquired before they got married remains their sole property, they can choose to keep it as it is or dissolve it according to their volition the spouse or kin should have no covert or overt right to it.

There is another bunch of monkeys jumping up and down screaming women will marry only for man’s property and in one night/month of marriage they’ll file for no fault divorce and beget 50% of his property that his forefathers worked hard to beget. They forget it takes minute to wed in India and it takes years to dissolve that marriage. No person can file for divorce prior to 365 days from the day of solemnization of a wedding no matter what the reason is, one has to be married for a year before they can file for divorce. In the case of no fault the stipulated period is three years.

In a country where registration of marriage is still an alien concept and only 3% pay taxes because they don’t have many options of not paying to imagine a bitter spouse will let a woman rest her hands on anything extra is sheer paranoia than realistic fear.

If anyone wants to make any corrections in the HSA 1956, HSAA 2005 please feel free DG has tried to put it in very simple words, it’s almost 3am DG has to sleep.

Good Night.

GGTS is 3

16 Oct

10/16/2012

Today with 215,783 hits GGTS turns three. Thanks to all readers, supporters and comment writers to help keep this space safe and productive for healthy initiatives to venture into desi relationships.  When DG started writing three years ago her undying optimism nurtured a lofty ambition of revolutionizing desi relationships and reaching out millions. That happened or not is different story but she definitely believed if she dreamt little bigger like she aimed little higher  in her .303 range firing she’ll hit the target. Her target audience was middle class educated and gainfully employed desi women or desi s, she did reach some in multiple ways and desi men of course came on their own.

Year I

These three years have been a very productive journey with personal ups and downs. In the first year she learned to use gchat and started chatting with her readers beyond GGTS. Few of those interacting with her were curious about her identity and asked too many personal questions. Curiosity is understandable but inquisitiveness is unwelcome. Those who respected DG never asked any personal question of identification are still around. Four of those readers and co bloggers have kept in touch from time to time through gchat and gtalk given their personal trials and constraints on time. This is a shout out to @IHM, @Bikram, @Anju Ghandhi and @STIC. During this time DG wrote regularly and posted lots of analytical material that was self explanatory and was designed to be used as self help. She answered each comment in great detail and supported numerous women to the extent of making personal international calls. As a survivor working outside the system she felt strongly to hold every hand that reached out. There was also an attempt to highjack GGTS that was foiled and DG learned to post copy right inscription and how to monitor use of her moniker.

Year II

In the year two her posts became fewer given her personal engagements but she regularly followed up with her comment writers through personal emails. Self doubt is a root characteristic of abused people until they understand the basics of abuse they keep fighting every well researched reason you offer.  Once they get hold of basics of relationship between love and abuse; how it operates and it’s cyclic nature they sooner or later make a decision. Once they reach the decision they don’t need much help from DG they quickly move on. While on an international trips she kept regular check on comments and gmail. While on one such trip an abused woman reached out to DG she gave her hours of one on one attention through live chat and resources yet she came back few months later to seek answer to same questions. DG did observe distressed comment writers had a pattern they kept coming back with same questions and seeking DG’s attention. She felt disappointed and defeated because either those readers were not getting it or thought DG was idle waiting for them to ping her.

It is interesting during this period DG was like everybody else dealing with her personal stuff too. These women who desperately sought her vanished she hoped they moved on. As usual DG regularly followed up with them. Most had made a decision and had moved on but none found it worth to let DG know that her hours of one on one personal attention paid off or not.  It is then DG started struggling with the thought what do readers owe a blogger? Comment, acknowledgement or formal greetings! Guess, not a thing. These were people who could not afford therapy, life coaches or any kind of professional help given their circumstances were counting on someone who could be there for them.

It is then a woman wrote a comment and asked DG if she could send her a personal email. A globetrotting successful professional trapped in emotionally abusive marriage. DG spoke to her couple of times coordinating her schedule to the different time zone. Then DG finds an email reading, “Sorry DG….I have let you down….I can fight no more…..” What is DG suppose to make of it? Those were scary 24 hours, few of you have been part of that scare helping DG find out if the writer was safe. It was a fake id and fake name what could DG do, count her blessings and pray for the safety of the writer. If DG suspects the person she is in communication with is in danger in anyway be it from someone else or from self she’ll do everything in her power to make sure they are safe. But she can’t help you if you don’t want to help yourself. Next day this person apologized and few days later vanished and just reappeared a month ago. DG is glad she made her decision and is getting back her life but had no interest to inform DG about it. Did she have to? Nopes, not at all.

It is then DG started receiving occasional personal emails from young desi men who were interested to learn about improving their personal relationships and learn about healthy ways of conflict resolution. One even wrote a guest post about his reclamation journey. DG continued making international calls when and where a person in need appeared. DG misses Gbuzz it was a good place to initiate discussions on wide variety of topics with wide range of audience.

Year III

Year three has been pretty slow for DG’s writing efforts. It is not that she ran out of topics or she is burnt out. She is just not motivated to write because some people are assuming she is on a rescue mission. Rather at times it makes her angry that all this time and effort she has put into GGTS is of no use if some support seekers do not even have basic etiquette about how to seek help irrespective of the fact there is a post on that too.   To amuse herself she started a 30 day rant but that too fizzled out within a week. She has put out enough material in the form of posts, pages and comments for anyone to read and learn. But still there are people who have no regard for the work she has put forward who still expect to be spoon fed instead of digging the posts and comments carefully. Few friends of GGTS, suggested and helped in starting a nominal fee based service for those who can afford but very few people opted for that. Even when they could afford to pay this demonstrates how serious they are about the relationship issues they are dealing with.

If one is sick one seeks best treatment or tries to find the best remedy. If your relationship is sick you seek the cheapest solution and advice; browse blogs seek total strangers who judge you and shred you. This is how important desi relationships are. DG has worked hard to keep GGTS a rant free space. Few co bloggers have forwarded her emails from their readers who are in need of help. It feels good that peers think DG can help but the truth is she can only do as much. No one can help you if you don’t want to help yourself. It is hard to stay focused when you are abused, you are depressed and are on a constant guard to avoid next assault either emotional or physical or both but you have to do what you have to do to get from point A to point B. DG is there to walk with you from point A to point B but you have to take the first step she can’t do that for you. Be informed, browse around and read GGTS.

Rules of Engagement

DG is still making those international calls. There are readers who are in touch with her through personal emails and who genuinely check with her from time to time. As a reader you do not owe her a thing, just don’t fake interest in her well-being. Don’t expect her to share her personal struggles with you, here she is a service provider and is bound by professional ethics. She’ll let you know what you need to know. She has already shared a lot about her personal life. Just know when you ping her she responds but that does not mean she is sitting idle she makes time for you. She doesn’t give a hoot what you think about her but respect her time.

Post Logue

True, this post doesn’t sound like regular anniversary posts you read elsewhere. GGTS, is a different space and so is DG, very unapologetic. She is humbled by the love she has received here. She is grateful for the friends she has made. A best asset a woman can have is her head over her shoulders and strong women in her life than dysfunctional men. This is a shout out for you all gals who have stood with DG- Preeti, Julia, Alison, Narcolovelies . A best asset a man can have is to grow some spine and yank that uncut umbilical chord. DG has some relatively functional male supporters of her cause as peers and comrades. There are a good number of male subscribers of GGTS now even a male blog is following GGTS, God know how they plan to liberate men by reading A Desi Girl’s Guide to Relationship Survival. DG writes poetry on facebook you can join her there. Yes, even DG needs help from time to time some angles have been walking DG from point A to point B every day. They are angles so they cannot be identified.

Stay safe and stay happy, healthy and holy until we touch base again.

From the wet market

Mostly vegetarian meals from Asia

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The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

My life and everything that touches it....

"कुरुक्षेत्र"

मेरे विचारो का

समाजवादी जनपरिषद

वैश्वीकरण विरोध हेतु

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

W.S.S.A @ UWindsor

Women's Studies Student Association @ University of Windsor, Ontario

Shafiq Ur Rahman Khan

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Beyond The Second Sex (स्त्रीविमर्श)

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

नारी , NAARI

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Sparsh

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Zerqa Abid

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.