Abused: What You Can Do?


 

Accept it you are in an abusive relationship.

Identification of the problem is the first step towards recovery. You cannot fix something you do not consider is broken. The longer you are in denial the longer it will take for you to get out of it and dangerous it will become. Yes, you have invested time and emotion in this relationship. You are also worried about what people might say, may be your relationship is secret from the world . May be you fear your abuser will sully your reputation and your parents will be mad at you. But the fact is none of these considerations will change your situation. Start planning to get out of this mess before it gets even messier.

It is not your fault that you are in an abusive relationship.

You trusted this person or you let your guard down it doesn’t matter. It was a mistake and you cannot punish yourself for ever. Abuse is a learned behavior, early in the relationship when the abuser demanded undivided time and attention it felt good may be you even thought it was love. But now if it is suffocating you it is not love anymore. The abuser has learned how to get compliance from you and you have learned how to give up your power, yes there is fear of physical assault.

You do not have to be ashamed.

To confess being abused is very humiliating. But you are not alone. Eight out of ten women around the world get abused by intimate partners in their life time. The abuser should be ashamed not the abused. Remaining silent gives the abuser power over you.

Disclose your situation to a trusted friend who is non judgmental, supportive and will maintain your confidentiality.

 A friend who will not ask you to chose between her and your abusive partner. This will lighten your burden.

Usually your friends love  you and do not want you to hurt also, they do not know how to react to your situation and how to help you. May be they too are in similar situation and your confession makes them uncomfortable. Often they may want you to severe all ties with your abuser. It is difficult because you have invested time and emotions in the relationship. May be your abuser is the only emotional support you had in difficult times. All feelings are normal. Start planning to prepare yourself for the change. You can change your behavior not your abuser’s. Yes, you have cried, begged, tried to manipulate him with desirous behavior. Did it work? No it did not and it will not work. The abuser is responsible for his/her behavior.

Look for help

If you are in India contact  your college’s Women’s Studies Resource Center or Psychological Counseling Center.  These centers are committed to confidentiality. You can even speak to your doctor. Call a helpline.

To end an abusive relationship is scary just like maintaining one.

Listen to that tiny voice deep inside you, your creator gave it to you to protect you at all times. Your instincts are your best friends. Trust them. You are wondering if you’ll ever find someone who’ll love you. May be you are thinking you deserve this. May be the next person will be worse than this partner. Yes, all your fears are normal but they are holding you in a bad situation. There is so much more to life than suffering.

Have the courage you have it in you just try it.

When you initially question the abuser’ s behavior they placate the situation with affection and gifts and soon they revert to their old behavior. But when you question few more times they intensify abuse (giving you silent treatment, yelling, screaming, breaking things, hurting themselves or hurting you etc.) to prevent you from asking for a change in the relationship. And you learn to keep peace by not ruffling the feathers. Abuser is basically teaching you how to remain abused and give up your power.

Practice the script on the “Your Rights in a Relationship” page and prepare yourself. Your safety is your concern and responsibility.

6 Responses to “Abused: What You Can Do?”

  1. RS December 9, 2011 at p12 #

    can you please provide me with some helpline numbers?I’m based in Delhi

    @RS,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Sorry your oneline comment ended in the spams. Next time please type few more line.
    DG does not have a ready list of organizations in different cities but she has people she works with or contacts that she can share according to your need. Please contact DG privately on girlsguidetosurvival @ gmail dot com.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  2. perola January 23, 2011 at p01 #

    thank you

    Like this

  3. nolongeraslave January 21, 2011 at p01 #

    Another thing is to not beat yourself up when you fail at leaving. It may take several times to successfully end an abusive relationship. The abuse becomes so draining where you feel stuck, or you feel you can’t survive outside of the abusive relationship. People say it’s easy to leave, but it’s not. Especially when nobody is supporting you to leave.

    Like this

  4. perola January 21, 2011 at p01 #

    Thank you for having a platform to discuss and help.. I was just browsing through when I came across this site. The info here is definitely useful, but if you could give details of the helping agencies with phone numbers, if any..which respond.. that would have been more beneficial.

    thanks!

    @perola,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    There are many data bases of serving agencies across the world. Which responds? is a good question. Desi Girl has thought about it long time but refrains coz’ the person in need of help will just be another person in queue there. She intends to help them nevigate the maze. If a person leaves a genuine email id in the response she definitely gets in touch with them.
    She’ll keep in mind your suggestion :)

    Please share this message of hope with in anyone who may benefit from it.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  5. Avery December 16, 2009 at p12 #

    I was very pleased to find this site.I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post.

    Like this

    • girlsguidetosurvival December 16, 2009 at p12 #

      Avery,

      Thank you for your encouraging words it makes it worth to write for. Please extend this message of healing and hope to who ever may benefit. Also let them know they are not alone and there is help available out there, they need not suffer in silence. Lets join hands and make this world a safe place for all.

      Like this

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