Technically Aren’t You the Curry n’ Rice Girl?
“Aren’t You the Curry and Rice Girl? My best foody who happens to be also my best friend for ever (BFF) posed this question on Skype during our weekly catching up session. It took me off guard. I blurted, “You know that I seldom eat rice and my relationship with curry is not very good either? Then why do you ask?” I was bit confused how could he ask such a lame question. The next thing I see on the screen is this youtube link. I almost fell off my chair I was laughing so violently.
He continued, “I mean do these men stand a chance with you?” I was again taken aback how my BFF could ask me such a question when he knows I am not in this game. I don’t cook, clean or you know what… I camp, boogie board, meditate and have decided not to have any biological children hope he remembers I laugh like a devil on high. Oh yeh, I don’t drink, smoke or date either. I am pretty boring in a conventional sense. What is he thinking? I don’t fit any where in the desi box. Since I initiated project ME after homelessness and hit and run, I realized I am not any longer a relationship person, my priorities are different. I have recently started running after five years. I want to run marathons, climb Kilimanjaro. Yes, Papy we are going to Kili in 2012 on your big year. Nurse your back and get ready. Ok conditions apply- if I manage to stay alive till then. I had to repeat all of the above to him and remind him how lame it was to ask me such a question. He did not give up and continued “ok, then do they stand a chance with your friends?”
Yeh, that is a different question I can’t speak for my friends but I have known them well for eons. I don’t think they’ll differ with me. Who knows their priorities might have changed like mine. Then I recalled Amu was still on shaadi.com and Atiya still hopeful to find someone to share her life with. Ah, this thing called hope and hope to find that one true “Love.” I roped in Amu on the Skype conference and asked her the same question. There was a silence for a minute and then follows what she said, he said and I said.
Amu: Good video.
Desi Girl: BFF is asking if these guys stand a chance with you? Awaiting your expert comments…
Amu: Are you out of your mind?
Desi Girl: Why? Don’t you wanna find someone and have a family?
Amu: That is true, but I have never seen you putting me on the spot like this.
Desi Girl: I am just asking a question. What is the problem there?
Amu: Why do you have to hear every word from me when you know the answer?
Desi Girl: Yes, that is true. This BFF wont take my word so I want to you tell him what I already know.
Amu: A (we call him A for short), that is ridiculous.
BFF: Hi! Thanks, But why?
Amu: Do I have to explain that.
BFF: Yes, it will help my understanding of Indian culture (he is African American male big into diversity, cultural sensitivity and exploring racism in diverse locations, has made few documentaries in the Latin America)
Amu: Look dude I am in my early thirties, divorced desi woman who has a professional degree and a well paying job. I don’t cook or clean unless I want to. I exercise at least 5 times a week and I go dancing at least twice a month.
BFF: So it that a problem?
Amu: What have you then learned about desi culture? Oh my, DG you need to give him a 101 on Desi Gender Relations and gender expectations for desi women.
BFF: You just give me a yes and no answer.
Amu: Ok if that is what you want, NO in caps. Happy now?
BFF: But why?
Amu: Oh my God I never thought I’ll have to spell it out aloud.
BFF: Is there a problem?
Amu: You won’t let it go then take it. I don’t find any of them attractive to even go out with.
BFF: Isn’t that little shallow. I thought you would see beyond the exteriors. Isn’t that what we are suppose to do, give another person a chance and get to know someone before we write them off?
Amu: Thanks for judging me you Freud. Say what you wish but that is it for me. Also, I am not into these theatrics. Ask Atiya, she is the one with a degree in cinema studies. And you DG, don’t you do this again.
Still refusing to let it go BFF stuck to his guns, I had to call Atiya on my crisis call three ring code (it means get on Skype or gmail, need to talk NOW). She had just returned from the college. She logged in and saw me haggling with BFF. I explained her issue at hand and sent her the link to take a peek. Here is what follows:
Desi Girl: A wants to know if any of these guys stand a chance with any of us and you in particular.
Atiya: Interesting, you pinged me for this. Couldn’t this wait? I thought there was some existential crisis at your end.
Desi Girl: I implore you please do not log out on me this A, is driving me nuts.
Atiya: Interesting video, it is hilarious. But A why do you ask this?
BFF: I just wanted to know what kind of men do highly educated professional desi women prefer.
Atiya: It is not that simple. One takes many factors in consideration. You have to sort of know the other person…
BFF: You think like me, so this means you’ll go out with one of these guys.
Atiya: No I don’t think so.
BFF: Why not?
Atiya: Do I have to tell you?
BFF: Yes please, it will help me improve my understanding of desi culture more so of desi women.
Atiya: I don’t find that amusing. So keep a lid.
BFF: I just asked a simple question why you women have to be so uptight about it.
Atiya: Ok, No, I’ll not go out with someone I don’t find attractive.
BFF: That is too shallow?
Atiya: Yes, I know it is shallow but will it be right to go out and find out you like them and still are not attracted to them. Then it will be even harder to break it to them.
BFF: But aren’t you the fair and slimmmm girl!
Atiya: Yes, I may be but I am a healthy person who takes care of herself and is not interested in caring for another person who chooses to live an unhealthy life style.
BFF: How can you tell that looking at the person in the video? Isn’t the love supposed to motivate the partner to strive for good things. Isn’t the love about accepting the people for who they are?
Atiya: Enough, you Freud. Why can’t desi men accept us for who we are? Why is it that it is always desi women accepting not just men but their families too.
BFF: I donno…
Atiya: DG tell him about still fair and slim, mother of two and project manager Anu, who fakes it as if she is with someone else when she can’t stand now fat and ugly Ramesh.
Desi Girl: Uh!!! I didn’t need to know that…
Atiya: DG you owe me a good one. Get ready for that…
Desi Girl: Hoy, Hoy … I am not in this game. You guys need to sort it out on your own.
Atiya: Loged off
Desi Girl: Dude you are in trouble and you have put me in a big trouble with my girls.
BFF: Why? I thought your friends would be more accepting.
Desi Girl: Dude, I don’t disagree with you but I don’t disagree with them either. These are successful women who are competent enough to take care of themselves. They are looking for partners not chaperons. Also, why would they stick around with someone who is callous about their appearance and health? I guess they are accepting the fact what they need in a partner. I guess good job and reputed family are no longer sufficient conditions for an eligible desi bachelor…
BFF: I donno…
It is for the readers to decide and make their mind about our Curry n’ Rice Girl…
A Desi Girl's Guide to Relationship Survival 
STOLE the song and pasted it on facebook, but have given the link to your blog..
Great going…
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The video is funny, I thought they were being sarcastic and making fun of the parents not wanting a white girl but still wanting a desi fair, slim, white-as-milk girl.
Loved your friends’ response. I think men and women in India are changing – but freeing oneself from social conditioning takes time …
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IHM, Welcome to GGTS.
Yes, you are right my friend both men and women are changing but their pace is different. Women have moved ahead and men are still struggling with medieval ideals. It is not just parents but even men are on a look out for a fair and slim partner.
Desi men are still trying to live in a monochrome world where mother/sisters are godesses and spouses if they demand abuse to stop or ask for their due are witches. We all live our lives some where in the grey instead of the much publicized black and white. Enjoyed your post. Could you please post the link for the last post on “What do men need liberation from?”
Thanks again for stopping by,
Peace,
Desi Girl
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Supposedly men in India are getting really upset that Indian women are asserting themselves and actually asking for what they want in a man, in a marriage and in in-laws. Indian men are calling this adult conversation “radical feminism” and are forming “mens’ rights groups”.
Check this out:
http://desiaadmi.wordpress.com/
Anyway, there are so many sites and blogs out there with Desi men crying about how Indian women are turning into “radical feminists” just because they no longer want to live with their in-laws and such.
I guess Indian men are intimidated that women no longer need them for money but can make their own. They fear the day when Indian women no longer need them to keep up a good reputation in Desi society.
Indian women may be able to earn their own money but as of yet, if a Desi woman chooses to remain unmarried her whole life, she is viewed as “suspect”, unless she’s connected to some sort of ashram or religious cult or something.
Madonna/Whore complex.
So yeah, Indian men are gonna have to start working out and taking care of their looks and doing things to develop an interesting personality if they want to find themselves winners in the arranged marriage market 2.0
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You are right my friend in your observation. Desi women are asserting themselves and it is quite intimidating for both men and families. It is exactly like dalits asserting their human rights resulting in violent backlash from the upper castes. When dalits left their caste occupations and treaded into upper caste professions there was and still is lots of hue and cry. Refer Laxmanpur-Bathe case. It is exactly the same way. But I would like to point out, the dalit women are the most oppressed because they are not only oppressed by the caste system but also by dalit men.
Yes, men are crying foul and banding to maintain their traditional authority. It is a pitty that these men fail to understand that they are equally oppressed by the same system that oppresses women, patriarchy. If they are tired of the demands of their female cohorts, they forget they are eqaully bugged by their own mothers and sisters who have personal power over them and make their lives eaually miserable. Indian homemaker @ http://www.indianhomemaker.wordpress.com has outlined men’s oppression in detail. Instead of eliminating the root cause just to maintain their authority these men are trying to tackel the symptoms.
Begum, my Pakistani friend says this ashraar of Ustad Daaman:
Anna mare anni noo, ghasun pain dhammi noo,
Jinni jinni paindi ay oni oni paayi jao,
Whichon wich khayee jao, utto rola payi jao.
(A blindman hits a pillar and he is thinking he is hitting the blindwoman. Do what ever works as always thus continue your old ways but keep crying wolf). This was the best interpretation I could do.
GGTS is devoted to challenge this system that prevents both men and women to be who they are without hurting people, places and things. Abuse is a learned behavior so now we need to invest energy in unlearning it.
The Madonna/whore complex is very strong in desi communities. Until today the judicial system relies on the devi/prostitute dichotomy in addressing the sexual assualt case. Watch Rituparno Ghosh’s Dahan with English subtitles on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCp__MiG3DM&feature=related .
Yes, women’s sexuallity is the major marker of community identities for that reason honor killing, raping women of the enemy communities in the times of conflict and curtailing their social mobility during the peaceful times through gender socialization (setting limits on who they can associate with and how they dress etc) in the times of peace.
You are right Desi men will have to change and become worthy of their female cohorts who nolonger wish to accept their lot be it arranged marriage or otherwise.
Thanks for your insights. Please share this message of hope with who ever may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
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OMG Desi Girl!!! This is the best post I’ve seen in a long while! Thank you for making me laugh. That youtube video was HILARIOUS!!! You sound like a very cool person desi girl. I am in my 30’s and I think I’ve lived enough experiences to be able to say live your life the way you want to (to you and your friends), don’t feel pressured to conform to desi cultural expectations. I don’t know how people have survived with any sanity in tack with the extreme cultural expectations. Desi boys are all taught to seek the exact same thing in a spouse, how boring. And the criticism on desi girls is freaking harsh.
She has to make the right decision the first time around or she’s screwed. If she’s dated even one guy previously, she’s no good. If she married some idiot previously and is divorced, she’s no good. If she does not hold a Phd, she’s no good. If she isn’t the fairest possible Indian girl (but NOT a white girl, lol), she’s no good. Dear god, what is the suicide rate among desi girls?
As always, love reading your posts desi girl, ’til next time.
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Hey there!
Thanks, long time no see.
Amu and Atiya are still fuming. It will take me sometime to cool them down. Amu just added “may be the curry and rice girl is also looking for a fair and slim guy.” Mind it not my words.
And A has added: “How about giving the guys fair and handsome (I did not know that it was a fairness creame for Indian men until he told me). http://www.fairandhandsome.net/handsomelook.jsp
Yeh, I guess one becomes cool as cucumber after an eye to eye with death. For me it is all here and now. Nothing matters before me nor after me. Here and Now with Kindness and Compassion. Works for me.
How is your princess? My love to her.
Peace,
Desi Girl
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