For Khamoshi 2


This page is dedicated to a comment made on “Dealing with in-laws” page. Desi Girl thought it will be useful for many other Khamoshi 2s out there.

I am going through a devastating emotional turmoil where in once I feel to go back and the other time I refute to be associated with his family any more. The point is I don’t want to loose him as my husband. I sternly believe that he is my husband and would remain so in future. He himself has never caused me any kind of physical or moral harm. I am trying to fight against his greatest weakness of throwing his ears and judgmental capacity under the control of his mom and sisters. Basically its inter caste, inter religion, interstate marriage. We live in a joint household with his mother and two sisters his father died before our marriage. Our marriage from the start was bad. There is too much interference from his mother and sisters. We cannot go out anywhere by ourselves the mother has to accompany us at all times. I have a job and I am responsible for all chores at home. His mother and sisters do not help me with cooking or cleaning. He does not support me when ever I try to talk to him he says his aim in life is to keep his mother and sisters happy. I asked him why he married me. For which he got annoyed and started complaining about me that I am not adjusting with them and everything is wrong with me.

I just want to get rid of my mom-in-law and sis- in -laws for some period of time so that I can prove to my husband my respect and regard for him which I could not do earlier. That’s the reason I want him to give me a separate house which he is unwilling on the grounds that he is the only son and needs to remain with parents. I don’t know how much I have been able to express myself properly so that you can help me out. I just want to know how to talk or communicate with him so that he just listens to me not to his people. There are many other things which I would like to put in a more organized way.
My brother is negotiating with my hubby and on the other hand I have asked the church group to intervene only hoping that something will work out in my favor.
Looking forward to remaining in touch and thanking you very much for your kind help and support.

 

What you are feeling is normal. When a people live in an abusive situation for quite some time they loose track of what they need and want. We all know what we want but the issue is what we need to make this relationship work.

 In all these years you would have tried every thing you could, even would have changed your self to make people around you happy and become accepting towards you. The more you tried the more they demanded of you. No matter how hard you tried there were always expectations you failed to meet. Not because you were not good but because they decided never to be satisfied. These are called abusive expectations. By the time you finish first set of demands, next set is awaiting you.

Even if it is an arranged marriage the loyalties of the spouse should be with their partner not their parents because they have made a choice to live their life with this person. Parents and spouse have different places in a person’s life and they are not competitors. If this is a inter caste inter religion marriage then it should be even more so. Your spouse was not forced to marry you. As a grown up man he made a choice to live with you and have a child with you. It is his job to protect you from emotional assaults of his family because he has a history with his parents and siblings. He has a history with them; he knows them in and out. You are new in their lives they do not know you.

He himself has never caused me any kind of physical or moral harm. I am trying to fight against his greatest weakness of throwing his ears and judgmental capacity under the control of his mom and sisters.

Abuse does not have to be direct. Not standing up for your spouse and letting other people abuse them is abusive too. Lack of direct involvement does not exonerate a person from their responsibility. And he is making a choice that he will throw his wife under the bus.

Remember, you cannot fix something you consider is not broken. If he thinks there is no problem at his end what makes you think that he’ll change. What one learned in 30 years, they won’t forget in few sessions of counseling or therapy. Also, they should have a desire to change; you cannot force anyone to change. You cannot change anyone; all you can change is YOU. And you have already done that.

I just want to get rid of my mom-in-law and sis- in -laws for some period of time so that I can prove to my husband my  respect and regard for him which I could not do earlier…

Khamoshi 2, you have already proved your respect and regard for you spouse by staying in this relationship this long. Now it is time that you start respecting your self. The fact remains they are his family and they will remain in his life asking him to pick you or them will only antagonize him. You are angry and hurt but you should focus on yourself and your needs at this time; think about them later. The in-laws are not the problem the problem here they are one of the factors of the problem. Remmember the problem is  your relationship with your spouse.

He is being emotionally blackmailed for depriving his mother and sisters of their choicest sister-in-law from the arranged marriage more so even dowry. He is feeling guilty and letting them have free reign to compensate for his betrayal.

Before you start working on the relationship you’ll have to work on yourself. Find your self. Who is Khamoshi 2 and what she wants. In those years of crazy making you have forgotten yourself. If you miss this opportunity you’ll be teaching your daughter how to be abused. Parents are role models for children. They pick up very early. She’ll learn how to be abused by a man. Try to look into your life, if you married this person as a revolt to your traditional oppressive family or a gesture of your modernity and then found your self in a situation similar to that of your mother. Our marriages/intimate relationships are very similar to those of our parents because we learn how to behave in intimate relationships from our parents. They and our other relatives are our role models for intimate relationships.

I suggest you to make a list of things and behaviors you want and you absolutely need in a relationship.

Example:

Needs   Respect, you will not call me names, yell at me. Finances, you will give me certain amount of money for my personal expenditure every month. We’ll save X amount every month. Chores, help me with chores around house- taking out trash, chopping vegetables, folding laundry etc….                                   

Wants-  your family to respect me, you and me going out to movies without your mother or sister etc…

About effective communication with your spouse:

At this moment you should concentrate on your self. You are hurt and your self esteem has suffered. Desi Girl suggests you work on your self. Heal your self. Read other pages and you’ll find useful information.

I want him to give me a separate house which he is unwilling on the grounds that he is the only son and needs to remain with parents.


Yes, by law you can ask your spouse to provide with a separate living quarters even if he is the only son. But you can’t ask him to come and live with you. For that you’ll have to ask the courts for restitution of your marital rights. Do you think if the law makes him do that against his will, will he support you emotionally and physically. I guess he’ll be even more resentful towards you. 

My brother is negotiating with my hubby and on the other hand I have asked the church group to intervene only hoping that something will work out in my favor.

All efforts made by our loved ones and well wishers are geared towards saving the marriage at all costs. They try to pressurize the man and his family to take the woman back and there is lots of pressure on the woman to go back due to social stigma attached to living alone outside the marriage, thus she opts for making what ever accommodations she can. I wonder how woman friendly are these mediations because they do not have any legal power to determine consequences for the erring party. The man and his family often agrees to some of the terms put forward by the mediators but soon revert to their old pattern of abusive behavior because they know there are no consequences for this. Unless there are consequences they are not likely to change their behavior towards you.

Desi Girl strongly suggests you seek counseling to heal your self. Once you are ready you can suggest him to go for couple’s counseling.

SECRET TO FAILURE: Trying to please every one.

PS: Once your list of needs and wants is ready Desi Girl can work with you through emails. She has to know exactly what you need only then she can put you in touch with right people. If you need any legal help just e-mail her through a comment she will get your email id but she’ll not approve of your comment that way it will be confidential. Desi Girl will direct you to women friendly services in your area.

Love and Peace,

Desi Girl

2 Responses to “For Khamoshi 2”

  1. girlsguidetosurvival June 29, 2010 at p06 #

    Afsheen,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.

    Kindly give me little more information in order to be able to help you. Please share only as much you feel comfortable. Explain your situation, kindly refer your location as it will help me coordinate resources for you.

    You’ll help your self and I’ll be assisting you in finding your way. We’ll take this journey together.

    Tonight Desi Girl wants you to feel safe and cared for.

    Desi Girl sends you warm thoughts and support.

    Peace,

    Desi Girl

    Like this

  2. Afsheen June 29, 2010 at p06 #

    I would like some help dealing with my marriage and consequent potential failure due to lack of respect and boundaries with my inlaws. I am on the brink of divorce and would REALLY like to keep this going even after all the awful things that have been said to me, for the sake of my children who will be so torn apart. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

    Like this

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

My life and everything that touches it....

Kafila

media | politics | dissent

"कुरुक्षेत्र"

मेरे विचारो का

समाजवादी जनपरिषद

वैश्वीकरण विरोध हेतु

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

A Desi Girl's Guide to Relationship Survival

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

W.S.S.A @ UWindsor

Women's Studies Student Association @ University of Windsor, Ontario

संजीव तिवारी . . Sanjeeva Tiwari .. Chhattisgarh

हमको मालूम है जन्नत की हकीक़त लेकिन, दिल को खुश रखने को ग़ालिब ये ख़याल अच्छा है

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Beyond The Second Sex (स्त्रीविमर्श)

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

नारी , NAARI

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Sparsh

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Zerqa Abid

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Sex And The Indian Cities

love, friendship and life in the Indian cities

THE PCOS DIVA

FINALLY FEELING FIT, FERTILE AND FABULOUS

NightLife

Chronicles of Less Urban Living, Fresh from In the Night Farm

आराधना का ब्लॉग

'अहमस्मि'- अपनी खोज में

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 310 other followers

%d bloggers like this: