Ask Before Marrying


Questions to Ask Before Marrying

I know for sure for both the genders if they are contemplating a relationship and more so a marriage both arranged or love marriage they have to be on the same page on the following:

1. Why do you want to get married?

  • Because it is that age.
  • Because everybody gets married so you are doing no different
  • Because your parents want you to get married
  • Your singlehood bothers you
  • Your biological clock is ticking
  • You are affraid of ending up alone

Not good enough reasons. Unless you truely feel you want to be with someone to share your love and your joys with them I guess it wont work, rather it will generate resentment in the coming days.

2. How you plan to raise/dicipline kids if you plan to have any?

  • If parents are not on the same page then children play them against each other. 
  • If you both are not on same page how you’ll discipline children then of you will use children as human shield to get even with the other when ever there is a resentment on something else.

3. How you plan to spend the money they make?

  • Who’ll pay for what and how much is to be saved and how stocks/bonds or property.
  • How you plan to allocate your personal expenses.
  • How much will you give to charity (that is very important to me). A spirit of giving keeps the couple grounded.
  • How you plan to help their parents or siblings if the need be.
  • Seperate accounts each and a joint account is my recommendation.
    If man is making more so he plans to spend on expensive gadgets or she is making money to pay LuiVuotons. Some balance has to be there.

4. How you plan to take care of their aging parents?

As a woman I want to have cooperation from my partner to help and care for my parents it is not just my brother and his wife’s responsibility. My parents loved me equally and sent me to the best schools. I don’t give a damn to faceless strangers called log and my partner’s conservative parents who demand I serve them before I think about my parents becuase they are ladke wale. Done one time not ready another time around…

4. On what issues can his/her parents give their take.?

  • What is negotiable and what is not. Some in-laws freely give sex advice. See the comments https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/dealing-with-in-laws/
  • Few parents think they can walk into the bedroom when ever they want.
  • Strong personal boundaries are recommended.
  • If he says my parents made great sacrifices to raise me I can’t talk back to them or how long are they going to live we need to keep them happy. Or I don’t expect anything from you than other than keeping my parents happy.
  • Check your priorities. He and his folks lack personal boundaries. They will not change because that is how they have been living. And nobody knows how long anyone will live. So are you willing to mortgage your life for indefinite period of time. Least but not last remember you cannot make anyone happy. Everyone owes their happiness to themselves it is not another person’s job.
  • Some women’s parents too have defused boundaries they feel insecure that their daughter is not getting a good deal so they try to tutor the couple.
  • Remember you are two adults in a relationship. You are capable of making your own decisions. If you think you cannot make your decisons without upsetting your parents, relative or sibblings then I guess you are not ready for a relationship.

5. How you plan to spen your WE time, vacations?

  • Often guys drags wife and kids to visit his parents and that is called vacation.
  • Other times a couple is glued to TV watching a movie to avoid any meaningful conversation. Been there done that…

5. Do you have similar political or religious idealogy?

  • In theory and rarely in practice people can work this out. Not every couple is Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Schriver.
  • Family that eats together and prays together stays together. Still works.
  • You don’t have to have same religion but your beliefs should be well grounded in kindness and compassion for all humans so that one partner doesn’t emotionally manipulates the other to do something they do not believe in.
  • Political ideology sets the stage for everything if you are conservative or liberal will reflect in your outlook towards the life.

6. Do you share a common spiritual practice?

  • Being Spiritual is different than being religious.
  • Something that connects you to the greater universe or world beyond you, me and our family.

7. How do you plan to resolve conflict?

  • Taking time out.
  • Make an appointment when you both are willing to talk about the disputed issue.
  • How long are you planning to harp on the issue. Indifinite silent treatment is basically emotional blackmail.
  • If things go really bad are you willing to seek professional counseling
  • If either of you cheat then what would be the consequences
  • If there is violence verbal, emotional, spiritual or physical who goes to the cleaners (determine the consequences in the begining so that you know what you’ll do instead of shrinking in shock like I did).

8.  If a guy or girl is rushing to take the conversation or relationship to next level and you are not comfortable consider it a red flag because he or she is not able to keep up the hype any longer.

https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/take-a-quiz-are-you-abused/

  • In the folk wisdom it is said engagement should be short and marriage should be long. Short engagement means rush the things up because either party is affraid the skeletons in the closet may jump out.
  • Take your time. A broken engagement is better than broken marriage.

8. Women, if he asks you will you consider taking his last name after marriage.

  • Check your priorities because this man is subscribing to gender stereotypes and will expect you to do more gender role specific chores and caring in the relationship.
  • His arguments will be very convincing like, “I always thought my wife  to be called Mrs. X .” 
  • It is convenient for legal purposes. In legal parlence a woman is still not natural guardian of her biological child she is only a guardian. so do not even entertain this reasoning.
  • It will make my parents happy. Won’t you like your brother’s wife being called Mrs. so and so…

It is your right to live in peace and peace requires every one to make an effort. Happy Married Life…

 

 

 

 

13 Responses to “Ask Before Marrying”

  1. cutegirl March 25, 2014 at p03 #

    i got engage 2 months back.. everything is going smooth as my guy is too gud in nature & he loves me a lot. I have gifted my guy two heart shape cushions made by me on ths valentine. few dayz bck i came to know that from that cushion 1 cushion has been passed to my sister in law & tht too she hv asked herself to give her tht cushion for her baby of 5 months.i felt veri bad on this whole incident.i dnt knw how to react.May be i m wrong tht i hv such feelng for her now tht y she asked or y he gave her? pls advice me & tel me what is correct… how to deal with them.

    @cutegirl,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Once you give a gift you have no control over what the receiver does it with but when you give an intimate gift and that to a person you are intimate they have to be on same page with you about how they are going to honor your gift.

    You confronting him will seem very petty, it is just a cushion, but it is a cushion you made for him. when his sister asked him for it he felt flattered that she is accepting of you but the fact is he did not know how to say no to her. He could have told her he can or she can ask you to make one for her baby that way she could have bonded with you but he missed the train.

    Your would be SIL asking your fiance to give her something you made for him is the first step toward enchroachment. Today it is a cushion tomorrow it will the saree he buys you and she’ll ask for a similar one. Nip it in the bud, set some boundaries.

    If DG were you, she would say to him, “I would have felt happy to make him one for him had you asked me to and it would have given your sister and I to bond. I am disappointed that you gave away my very personal and intimate gift to your nephew next time I’ll have to think about what I can give you.”

    Keep your eyes open, it is just engagement. Set healthy boundaries now so that you are not walked all over once you are married and become a sitting duck in the name of new bride can’t open her mouth due to shyness.
    Learn to express your feelings and how to say no

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/feeling-and-expressing-your-emotions/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/assertiveness-learn-to-say-no/

    All these tools on GGTS are free for you to use browse and learn.

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/take-a-quiz-are-you-abused/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/08/07/signs-of-an-abuser/

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,

    Desi Girl

    Like this

    • Shruti March 28, 2014 at p03 #

      @cutegirl: I totally agree with each and every word DG has said. You may go through the posts she has suggested. They have been very helpful for me. I am sure of you read them, you will also benefit a great deal from them.

      Like this

  2. lilxmea May 17, 2013 at p05 #

    Hello, i just found your page and it’s great. I am dating a bengali man and we’ve been together for two years and very into each other, we are very similar and agree on many things (except furniture style haha) although it is difficult dating him because i’m not desi or from their religion. My hubby wants to travel the world with me, and he spoils me rotten that i almost feel guilty but i also spoil him. I am not planning to take his last name that’s for sure and he doesn’t even like his own last name so it is fine, if it bothers the in-laws we don’t really care, my hubby goes against almost everything his in laws believe in (very old fashioned) and they have trouble understanding him, it’s funny that his closest friends are european not desi.
    But all in all.. his parents and his mom are nice to me, they just keep telling us to hurry up and get married and we keep telling them that’s not how it works. We know what we’re doing and we’re happy.

    @lilxmea,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Congratulation your boat is rowing in calm seas.
    Not busting your buble similar as DG’s story until they got engaged an all of a sudden he realized how is culture needs to be preserved while being married to a woman from different caste and religion.
    Yes, you take your time to say “I do” and keep working on your relationship make so many good memories that in the hardtimes they’ll give you hope and strength to get past everything.
    Good wishes.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  3. Shruti June 4, 2012 at p06 #

    Excellent post for people who are considering marriage. Thanks DG. :)

    Like this

  4. Eivind April 13, 2012 at p04 #

    Offcourse asking isn’t good enough. If you ask someone how conflicts will be resolved, you will get a nice answer about discussing the matter with love and respect and reach some compromise, but there’s no guarantee that this is what happens in practice.

    Much better to have tried it. There’s no substitute for actual experience. Before I got engaged to my wife, we had been living together for more than a year. This answers every question above, except for the issue of last-name and child-rearing. And it answers the questions in a much better way than any discussion could possibly do.

    Marrying someone who is, in essence, a stranger, is always going to be a risky proposition.

    @Eivind,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    You are right living together before walking down the aisle gives you the real picture and if you are willing to put up with it for rest of your life. But in desi context it is a rare possibility. Recently a young friend told DG he is living-in with his GF before announcing wedding date next year. Yes trend is changing.
    About conflict resolution- everyone say communicate and talk it out but the thing is no one tells how to talk and what to talk unless there are consequences for certain behaviors people don’t do the right thing. At times they don’t even know if the conflict is not resolved even if they have talked out.
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/lets-talk-communication-deadlock/

    Committing for life is definitely a risky preposition be it for love or for arrangement…

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  5. desibahu September 7, 2011 at p09 #

    did i mention the honeymoon to the wonderful zoo that the wife pays for because husband cannot afford honeymoon. but husband can afford to help share cost of taking friend’s wife/brother’s wife on vacation/honeymoon. me wanna have nice romantic movie honeymoon……not even in my dreams. it’s alright…i’ve eaten enough ice cream to make up for the anger. im ok. chocolate ice cream.

    Like this

    • desibahu September 8, 2011 at p09 #

      don’t forget to call your mother and tell her where your husband takes you for vacation, hubby will ask you to call her, to add up his plus points as a good son in law. also, show your mother the winter supply, sorry wedding gift, that he got you….jacket, hat, mittens, boots.

      Like this

  6. desibahu September 7, 2011 at p09 #

    Often guys drags wife and kids to visit his parents and that is called vacation.
    never ever clicked but so true. that is vacation. you can add his friends as well, parents or friends- visiting them is vacation….what a lovely break and relaxation………and don’t we end up fighting more after such vacations?
    another vacation is when your friend has visited somewhere and you get jealous/want to compete so you take your wife/kids there as well, or maybe you just wanna do what friend suggested.
    so if wife says,” i always wanted to go to x/ i would like to go there”, she hears it’s never going to happen. but of course we go far distances on vacation to see out friends and shamelessly try to impress their girlfriends in front of wife, and those parents who induce guilt in us for not living with them. wife always enjoys such vacations. good memories. not.

    Like this

  7. Padmini August 19, 2011 at p08 #

    I really feel grateful reading this list and being able to check off “yep, talked about that.” On some things I feel like more of the gender stereotype encourager, like taking last name. He doesn’t consider it important and seems to prefer I don’t take his last name if we get married. Both of us agree on the finances, child rearing. etc. One thing we haven’t talked about is privacy once the parents come. Good to have some ideas of things to discuss.

    @Padmini,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Sorry it took DG sometime to approve your comment. She is glad you and your partner are talking about important issues.
    It is a general tendency and desi cultural legacy where it is assumed few days of discomfort while accomodating family or friends is and should be tolerable because it is temporary in nature. Our great culture of hospitality demands we offer the best food and room to the guest, in that line the couple even offers their bedroom to temporary guest. But his/her parents are neither temporary guests nor permanent occupants of your household. That is when the trouble begins in the paradise.
    In the name of hospitality and respect for the elders we give permit people to innocently cross our personal space and boundaries.
    It is always a good idea to have a plan and a picture in mind how one will address a particular issue at an given time even if that given time is not anywhere in sight :) .

    Please share is message of hope with anyone who may benefit.

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  8. Vikram Karve May 3, 2011 at p05 #

    Nicely written.
    I especiall liked your advice about not rushing things after the engagement “A broken engagement is better than broken marriage”.
    All the Best
    Vikram Karve
    PS – In my case the folk wisdom proved correct – short engagement (21 days) long marriage (nearing 30 years and still going strong) – but then that’s a long long time ago.

    @Vikram Karve,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.

    That is great that it worked for you. Today we believe more in the quality of marital bond than it’s longevity; a long stagnant marriage for us won’t do in this time and age. :)

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  9. lime pro February 16, 2011 at p02 #

    I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I do not know who you are but certainly you’re going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already ;) Cheers!

    Like this

  10. luckyfatima December 4, 2010 at p12 #

    Definitely useful questions.

    Like this

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