Bless her friends Desi Girl has just returned from a trip abroad. She was a tag along with K, who was attending a conference. Since most of us are single and childless we friends have decided to be there for each other and make sure we meet when ever possible or else take trips together. Who ever can take off from work and pay for travel will tag along where ever the other is going. This is where air miles come handy sweet K used them to fly DG. While she attended the conference DG toured the town and amused herself. On two occasions she attended sessions open to public, a meet and greet event and the formal dinner.
Desis, like potatoes are staple and are found in bulk every where on the planet. There were handful desi men grinning ear to ear in every corner. While K was hobnobbing with peers DG was calculating points of menu items with her WW calculator. DG doesn’t mind being abandoned every now and then but all of a sudden K rushed to her, she seemed bit angry. Sensing her expressions best thing was to smile and wait for her to spit it. She said, “9 O’ clock, oh my I can’t stand it. Why do they even have to try? Don’t look that side.” Okay, then how am I supposed to know what is going on? Let us go to ladies room and then we can talk. Sure.
K: I am sick of these desi middle aged dudes.
DG: Yes, we always were. What is new about that?
K: When will they learn?
DG: Old dogs seldom learn new tricks but what do you want to teach them?
K: Just being desi does not mean I’ll be interested in talking to you, or even interested in establishing any remote affinity in this life time.
DG: Sure, so what happened?
K: I hate it when these men approach me with that grin.
DG: What grin?
K: you know it, that smirk on the face, like trying to strike a conversation and hang around you for no reason.
DG: That is what people are supposed to do at these gatherings. Strike conversations and make professional contacts.
K: don’t pretend you know exactly what I mean. I have to get back in there and I don’t want to bite anyone’s head off.
DG: Okay, will our regaining our composure and cooling off some of the steam change anything out there? So what is the plan?
K: Divide and conquer, you tackle some and I’ll distract others.
DG: How about we stick together and I listen to your pleasantries even though I’ll comprehend nothing and my fore head will wrinkle permanently as I’ll sham interest and comprehension.
K: That sounds like a plan, how about if you had to break ennui or we parted we’ll come to each other’s rescue.
DG: Good, works for me.
We headed back to the floor. Within seconds, we could see a middle aged desi guy (MDG) approaching us. Our divide and conquer and distraction tactics fell flat as his speed of charging was pretty admirable.
MDG: Hello, you are from India
K: Hello, yes we are…
DG (in her mind): wao, what a discovery congratulations, K is wearing a sari duhh.
Few pleasantries exchanged, DG while feigning interest had her eyes on baby keish being served. She was wondering what grooming rules are for such gatherings. Women dress in their best sometime in the national or ethnic wear while men are dressed all alike. There are few wall flowers and few wasps and butterflies in all corners and then there is DG following the food. Sensing K’s discomfort DG strategically coughed as roaming charges applied none of us could make that one important call that rescues one from a bad date. DG has no clue what they were talking but she was pretty bored and her game of calculating BMIs of those in the room was no more entertaining but taxing her mental mathematic skills. Guess it was some thing emcee said that saved us…
Once back in the room K was really charged up and vocal. DG skyped IK for intervention, for a minute imagine shapely K standing 5’3’’ tall in this gorgeous handloom sari with clenched fists and almost yelling in the screen. Here after this is the rule:
If you are pot bellied,
If you are half or full bald,
If you are married, If you have stained teeth,
If your breath stinks, If you are an unhealthy eater,
If you are an MCP, If you are a smoker
Don’t even come anywhere near me…
IK: Ok that is reasonable, but they are not asking you to marry them. It is their choice to be the way they live their life you need not judge them.
DG: (in her head why did you forget sweaty stained shirt guys, those that eat loudly…)
K: Doesn’t matter, they just want to have the pleasure of talking to me and I don’t want to.
IK: This has happened almost all our lives. Is there a better way to deal with it? What can you do about it? Could you be just little kinder and remove your self from the situation?
K: I am sorry I just loose it when I see these losers rushing towards me.
IK: How do you know he was a loser? He was at an international conference just like you.
K: Anyone who fails to take care of themselves is a loser for me. If he was at the international conference I was there too. I have done everything to keep me healthy and agile and I don’t even have a wife to cook and clean for me. I don’t run to talk to any handsome guy I see on the floor. Oh, you are not desi so you have no clue what these middle aged desi guys have in their mind…
IK: I may not be desi but I am definitely middle aged.
K: Have you seen you’re self in the mirror lady? You look younger than us and you work hard to keep healthy and well groomed. I haven’t seen you charging like a bull towards any cute guy.
IK: That is true but this is just spoiling your aura, can you do some heart breath and look where all this coming from.
Ah, sweet IK is doing her therapy thing on a charged bull :) . To diffuse the tension, DG turned the conversation to IK. So what has happened with you lately? IK’s roommate has set up a facebook and twitter account for her and since then she is getting these Fraaandship requests non stop. That is a good thing when you are single. Guys are popping up from wood work. I was in your high school class, I met you at X, …. And then there is this one particular guy he is bit older just in 60 brackets. They were in some class together almost a decade ago. She was impressed with his work and hanged around with him and nothing in particular, she didn’t like him as such. He has been sending IK emails, “you know that I love you, we both could practice together and travel the world.” Then he wrote “I am on few spiritual dating sites, I don’t have much time you know so I want to know what you think about what I said…” Sweet IK is feeling the pressure since he sent her this email, where he wants her to complete a sentence she is literally freaked out, she is really irritated (DG is glad she has no personal FB or twitter accounts rather no one’ll be interested in knowing how many calories she ate). While we were at it T logged in. She has her own melt down, six years of singlehood and 100s of scumbags from matrimonial sites yet no future in sight… She said if she kept her expectations at this rate she’ll never find anyone. She wondered if it is ok to lower our expectations in the prospective partner or settle for something less than we deserve. Then it is said no one is perfect, only yesterday someone asked if one should prefer to live alone or compromise?
After mulling over all the facts and fiction DG concluded:
The fact is if you didn’t like someone when they were young then you are not going to like him now either (a plain Jane transforms into hottie in movies but in real life it is the package that matters not just looks but how person conducts themselves and treats others). If you liked someone then and now they are no longer single stay away you’ll mess it because fantasy is very lethal… IK think it, why would you like to be with someone older that you’ll have to care for. Yes we are looking for companionship not caretaking… a peer will be a better choice.
Answer to sentence completing exercise: I am too dumb to fill in could you please enlighten me or I am not into such games or I am too old for such games…
It is a good idea to express what one is looking for but it is a bad practice to put pressure on the other person. Drawing timelines is a good practice but expecting the other person to abide by your timeline is not so good. Best way to handle such a situation is to politely tell the person they are great but you are not yet there, at this time your priorities and needs are different. They’ll be wondering what is wrong with them, they deserve an explanation but you need to be firm in what you want and need from a relationship and life. It is not a matter of few hours or days, it is a life time commitment we are talking about.
T, first time we settled because that is what our folk wisdom told us, no one is perfect and you have to get married or else you’ll end up alone. We did compromise and then too ended up alone. Just because of fear of dying alone you cannot marry anyone. Just because your biological clock is ticking you can’t make babies with anyone. You have to respect them enough to keep them around children for all their lives.
Guys, no offense just take a look at where you are in life and in shape. Women have sixth sense to know why you are even striking a conversation with them. Ok it may not be the sixth sense but your body language definitely gives it away. These 30-40 something women are not looking for meal tickets, they are not afraid of dying alone, they have brains and they make healthy choices now on just step up…