Approach With Caution: Desi Women Calling Shots

22 Feb

Bless her friends Desi Girl has just returned from a trip abroad. She was a tag along with K, who was attending a conference. Since most of us are single and childless we friends have decided to be there for each other and make sure we meet when ever possible or else take trips together. Who ever can take off from work and pay for travel will tag along where ever the other is going. This is where air miles come handy sweet K used them to fly DG. While she attended the conference DG toured the town and amused herself. On two occasions she attended sessions open to public, a meet and greet event and the formal dinner.

Desis, like potatoes are staple and are found in bulk every where on the planet. There were handful desi men grinning ear to ear in every corner. While K was hobnobbing with peers DG was calculating points of menu items with her WW calculator. DG doesn’t mind being abandoned every now and then but all of a sudden K rushed to her, she seemed bit angry. Sensing her expressions best thing was to smile and wait for her to spit it. She said, “9 O’ clock, oh my I can’t stand it. Why do they even have to try? Don’t look that side.” Okay, then how am I supposed to know what is going on? Let us go to ladies room and then we can talk. Sure.

K: I am sick of these desi middle aged dudes.

DG: Yes, we always were. What is new about that?

K: When will they learn?

DG: Old dogs seldom learn new tricks but what do you want to teach them?

K: Just being desi does not mean I’ll be interested in talking to you, or even interested in establishing any remote affinity in this life time.

DG: Sure, so what happened?

K: I hate it when these men approach me with that grin.

DG: What grin?

K: you know it, that smirk on the face, like trying to strike a conversation and hang around you for no reason.

DG: That is what people are supposed to do at these gatherings. Strike conversations and make professional contacts.

K: don’t pretend you know exactly what I mean. I have to get back in there and I don’t want to bite anyone’s head off.

DG: Okay, will our regaining our composure and cooling off some of the steam change anything out there? So what is the plan?

K: Divide and conquer, you tackle some and I’ll distract others.

DG: How about we stick together and I listen to your pleasantries even though I’ll comprehend nothing and my fore head will wrinkle permanently as I’ll sham interest and comprehension.

K: That sounds like a plan, how about if you had to break ennui or we parted we’ll come to each other’s rescue.

DG: Good, works for me.

We headed back to the floor. Within seconds, we could see a middle aged desi guy (MDG) approaching us. Our divide and conquer and distraction tactics fell flat as his speed of charging was pretty admirable.

MDG: Hello, you are from India

K: Hello, yes we are…

DG (in her mind): wao, what a discovery congratulations, K is wearing a sari duhh.

Few pleasantries exchanged, DG while feigning interest had her eyes on baby keish being served. She was wondering what grooming rules are for such gatherings. Women dress in their best sometime in the national or ethnic wear while men are dressed all alike. There are few wall flowers and few wasps and butterflies in all corners and then there is DG following the food. Sensing K’s discomfort DG strategically coughed as roaming charges applied none of us could make that one important call that rescues one from a bad date. DG has no clue what they were talking but she was pretty bored and her game of calculating BMIs of those in the room was no more entertaining but taxing her mental mathematic skills. Guess it was some thing emcee said that saved us…

Once back in the room K was really charged up and vocal. DG skyped IK for intervention, for a minute imagine shapely K standing 5’3’’ tall in this gorgeous handloom sari with clenched fists and almost yelling in the screen. Here after this is the rule:

If you are pot bellied,

If you are half or full bald,

If you are married, If you have stained teeth,

If your breath stinks, If you are an unhealthy eater,

If you are an MCP, If you are a smoker

Don’t even come anywhere near me…

IK: Ok that is reasonable, but they are not asking you to marry them. It is their choice to be the way they live their life you need not judge them.

DG: (in her head why did you forget sweaty stained shirt guys, those that eat loudly…)

K: Doesn’t matter, they just want to have the pleasure of talking to me and I don’t want to.

IK: This has happened almost all our lives. Is there a better way to deal with it? What can you do about it? Could you be just little kinder and remove your self from the situation?

K: I am sorry I just loose it when I see these losers rushing towards me.

IK: How do you know he was a loser? He was at an international conference just like you.

K: Anyone who fails to take care of themselves is a loser for me. If he was at the international conference I was there too. I have done everything to keep me healthy and agile and I don’t even have a wife to cook and clean for me. I don’t run to talk to any handsome guy I see on the floor. Oh, you are not desi so you have no clue what these middle aged desi guys have in their mind…

IK: I may not be desi but I am definitely middle aged.

K: Have you seen you’re self in the mirror lady? You look younger than us and you work hard to keep healthy and well groomed. I haven’t seen you charging like a bull towards any cute guy.

IK: That is true but this is just spoiling your aura, can you do some heart breath and look where all this coming from.

Ah, sweet IK is doing her therapy thing on a charged bull 🙂 . To diffuse the tension, DG turned the conversation to IK. So what has happened with you lately? IK’s roommate has set up a facebook and twitter account for her and since then she is getting these Fraaandship requests non stop. That is a good thing when you are single. Guys are popping up from wood work. I was in your high school class, I met you at X, …. And then there is this one particular guy he is bit older just in 60 brackets. They were in some class together almost a decade ago. She was impressed with his work and hanged around with him and nothing in particular, she didn’t like him as such. He has been sending IK emails, “you know that I love you, we both could practice together and travel the world.” Then he wrote “I am on few spiritual dating sites, I don’t have much time you know so I want to know what you think about what I said…” Sweet IK is feeling the pressure since he sent her this email, where he wants her to complete a sentence she is literally freaked out, she is really irritated (DG is glad she has no personal FB or twitter accounts rather no one’ll be interested in knowing how many calories she ate). While we were at it T logged in. She has her own melt down, six years of singlehood and 100s of scumbags from matrimonial sites yet no future in sight… She said if she kept her expectations at this rate she’ll never find anyone. She wondered if it is ok to lower our expectations in the prospective partner or settle for something less than we deserve. Then it is said no one is perfect, only yesterday someone asked if one should prefer to live alone or compromise?

After mulling over all the facts and fiction DG concluded:

The fact is if you didn’t like someone when they were young then you are not going to like him now either (a plain Jane transforms into hottie in movies but in real life it is the package that matters not just looks but how person conducts themselves and treats others). If you liked someone then and now they are no longer single stay away you’ll mess it because fantasy is very lethal…  IK think it, why would you like to be with someone older that you’ll have to care for. Yes we are looking for companionship not caretaking… a peer will be a better choice.

Answer to sentence completing exercise: I am too dumb to fill in could you please enlighten me or I am not into such games or I am too old for such games…

It is a good idea to express what one is looking for but it is a bad practice to put pressure on the other person. Drawing timelines is a good practice but expecting the other person to abide by your timeline is not so good. Best way to handle such a situation is to politely tell the person they are great but you are not yet there, at this time your priorities and needs are different. They’ll be wondering what is wrong with them, they deserve an explanation but you need to be firm in what you want and need from a relationship and life. It is not a matter of few hours or days, it is a life time commitment we are talking about.

T, first time we settled because that is what our folk wisdom told us, no one is perfect and you have to get married or else you’ll end up alone. We did compromise and then too ended up alone. Just because of fear of dying alone you cannot marry anyone. Just because your biological clock is ticking you can’t make babies with anyone. You have to respect them enough to keep them around children for all their lives.

Guys, no offense just take a look at where you are in life and in shape. Women have sixth sense to know why you are even striking a conversation with them. Ok it may not be the sixth sense but your body language definitely gives it away. These 30-40 something women are not looking for meal tickets, they are not afraid of dying alone, they have brains and they make healthy choices now on just step up…

What should I say about my friends, they are treasures of my life.

When ever they give me they give me a new headache, how stead fast are they…

12 Responses to “Approach With Caution: Desi Women Calling Shots”

  1. Indian Homemaker March 1, 2011 at p03 #

    I always wonder about the number of popular songs we have that describe a man’s good looks. It’s always a ‘haseena’ and a ‘jawan’ – I guess it was lucky for the white as moon or silver ‘haseena’ or ‘gori’ with golden or black glossy, long hair that the man singing for her was young.

    You are right every thing is about gori and chhori in hindi and vernacular folk. Men only appear as mehanat kash majdoor, kisan, banka jawan and damsels have all kinds of qualifiers.
    How about Bade miyan diwane aise na bano… 🙂 oh no there too it is all about Haseena 🙂



  2. Indian Homemaker March 1, 2011 at p03 #

    Read the post and the comments. Love the clarity with which you write DG. About the psycho commenting on the divorce blog, I really feel they should not be given any publicity. If we do wish to answer any issues raised, we could do that on our own blogs.

    Thank you for appreciating DG’s effort.

    About derogatory comments against women or miniorities on any blog DG personally feels should not get any space anywhere but politically she feels they should be visible so that people who accuse us of cooking up tales of opression and discrimination should be able to see the evidence.
    We should definitely address any questions we consider important on our blogs but together we ought to support women bloggers against such misogynists even when we may disagree with them on any issue.


  3. aseem February 26, 2011 at p02 #

    Hi DG. I understand that for men, attractiveness of the women is the most important factor. No need to explain that:) And yes good looks is no guarantee for a good person.Also everybody prefers beauty. Everybody including women. To think otherwise will be naive.

    Men have always been doing that.Even infants,so why shouldn’t women??? Why should women tolerate….

    This is where I disagree. You believe that women have been tolerating this. I dont believe that. If it is true, then there must be some other things on which men compromise over women.

    As examples I will again quote what dhanesh wrote

    “an unattractive man can also be made attractive by sound financial background.Hugh hefner, saudi princes, and Industrialists who get married to actresses”

    DG is sure you didn’t read her response to @dhaneshspeaks’ first comment or you read it selectively.
    it clearly reads… Those women you are calling wolf ugly can be made beautiful with a fat dowry just like hedious looking men who can bag a young damsel on the basis of their fat pockets…

    For women to tolerate male ugliness of apprearance and conduct is a historic fact sometimes it was survival issue not just for the woman but even her natal family and othertimes it was family honor and what not… Now they are asking what they need that is definitely problematic as it is distrubing the status quo.


  4. aseem February 25, 2011 at p02 #

    Sorry to say it DG, but this post is a little bit more arrogant than humorous.

    Guys, no offense just take a look at where you are in life and in shape. Women have sixth sense to know why you are even striking a conversation with them…

    So if a good looking guy, all fine by your poem approaches you to talk to you with same reason , are you fine with that? Or the probelm the reason and not the guy?


    Yes, it seems pretty arrogant isn’t it, when comes from women. Men have always been doing that. Did you check DG’s response to @dhaneshspeaks.

    Do you know men when men see an attractive women their orbito-frontal cortex [OFC] lights uplike a christmas tree, this explains why men identify attractiveness as a stronger motivation in mate selection. In a comparetive study female subjects did not show christmas tree pattern in the OFC.

    Click to access cloutier_2008_jcn.pdf

    Yet another, the “what is beautiful is good” bias seems fairly universal even the corporate world bases hiring decisions on non-job-related factors like attractiveness. 🙂

    Click to access orsp_shahani-denning_spring03.pdf

    Both studies are peer reviewed and scientific. If you need more refernces DG will be more than happy to oblige just ping her.

    Not only men and corporations even infants perfer attractive faces so why shouldn’t women??? Why should women tolerate ugliness of any sort be it apprearance or conduct?

    DG will appreciate if you could you please retain one email id for GGTS so that she doesn’t have to approve consecutive comments from you. 🙂

    Desi Girl


    • dhaneshspeaks February 26, 2011 at p02 #

      Again aseem, good looks doesn’t mean that the guy won’t be a jerk. Seriously if good looks was alone the consideration women give, salman rushdie would have never landed padma lakshmi.

      All i am saying is don’t be judgmental on people who are judgmental.

      It is simply not worth the effort.

      You are right good looks are no guarantee for civil conduct rather good looks become a bane when an attractive person tries to compensate lack of skill and talent with looks. Oh, here is the latest research study on the issue “Why Are Narcissists so Charming at First Sight? Decoding the Narcissism–Popularity Link at Zero Acquaintance.”

      Click to access Back,%20Schmukle,%20&%20Egloff%20(2010)%20JPSP.pdf

      Who are you calling judgemental? Men or DG?? 🙂


  5. Mysticspirit February 24, 2011 at p02 #

    DG – need your help! There’s this psycho with outdated ideas commenting like crazy on my divorce blog. I want a whole lot of us to blast him so he gets educated or gets lost. Can you visit and say something

    Use comment moderation and do not entertain that piece of trash. Will comment over the weekend and will ask other co bloggers too. It is important women bloggers support each other against such criminal minds.


  6. dhaneshspeaks February 24, 2011 at p02 #

    Well you manage to capture the humor in its true essence, tough luck being preyed upon all the time.

    I have a question for you, when it is perfectly funny to categorize guys on the basis of their vestigial appearances, receding hairline and bad breath (No sarcasm, i too find them funny),
    But if I mention to write about some woman who has the mouth of a sailor, fat (thats the taboo word) and just plain wolf ugly (now i am a chauvinist) why isn’t this funny?

    Should women be insulated from being commented upon their looks?(And i don’t mean eve teasing or shoving,but just ranting in the blog-o-sphere).

    I would really be pleased if I get a reply.


    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Women, from the time they are born face all kinds of discriminatory remarks about their complexion, height, weight and what not. These scrutinizing practices highten once they reach so called marriageable age; it is a fact not a secret. If you have any doubts pick up any matrimonial ad in any newspaper or on matrimonial site. Those women you are calling wolf ugly can be made beautiful with a fat dowry just like hedious looking men who can bag a young damsel on the basis of their fat pockets. Women who remain unmarried past the socially ascribed age of marriage are called spinsters or old maids there is no corresponding term for men who remain single, they just remain elligible bachelors.

    BTW did you check that bad date rescue phone call link in the post, please do. DG has no qualms to call out on a cow.

    Receding hair line is not the issue here, it is poor life style choices and trying to get close to women even if it is for few minutes ignoring the fact their advances are unwelcome.
    Hope this answers all your questions. If you have more feel free to ask.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Desi Girl


    • dhaneshspeaks February 26, 2011 at p02 #

      Well I am very aware of the prejudice being meted out to women in general about their looks. In fact I have blogged about it

      That being said I based my observations as I find your writing free of dogma. I wouldn’t have dare said what I wrote in a column talking about serious issues such as rape of female infanticide.

      And at the risk of sounding chauvinist(I would argue that I am not) also an unattractive man can be made attractive by sound financial background.

      Hugh hefner, saudi princes(They spend more time in a spa than a beach calendar model), and Industrialists who get married to actresses.

      And whatever I have written is in a calm state of mind, and not retaliatory.Almost all of your complaints are completely warranted :-).


      DG has no complaints she is just an observer of what goes around her. 🙂


  7. Milky Chai February 23, 2011 at p02 #

    True, you cannot judge a book by it’s cover! How do you know these men were really single? I can see where that would be annoying. Hey, my DH is bald (he shaves the last few on there) and is starting to have a pot-belly (because I feed him too much)! Well, he is more like a Vin Diesel kind of a guy but still. Um, the poor hygiene issues are unacceptable. Ewwwww! RUN!!! Sad thing is, most decent, eligible desi boys are being auctioned actively by their Mummy’s anyways…

    No offense to your DH or many loving DHs out there. They are the best, owner’s pride but these single gals are calling shots. Who knows he was single or not but he was definitely sticky fruit fly, K was more mad that he took all her time and refused to leave her alone irrespective of her polite suggestions.
    Later she was even more mad at herself for not being more direct up in the face kind. I guess he was some big shot there.

    Why physical fitness is not on the radar for desi men and women is beyond DG? She has physically unfit friends but she is up front with them and have told them she loves them and do not want them to die on her.


  8. Sex And The Indian Cities February 23, 2011 at p02 #

    And have you heard the common folk wisdom , marry before 25 or all you will get will be pot bellied baldies :):)

    my friend’s parents don’t understand that when she says that she is not interested in marrying any pot bellied , baldie who’s aim in life is to settle down.and yes she looks for hobbies and interests column whle her mom is more interested in degress/ earning / US green card . she has been fighting from last 3 years ..we have together rejected many guys . some people will say you girls are mean and deserve to end up alone ..I would say we will never be alone as long as we have our gfs with us and yes we will not settle down for any one . we can adopt kids if we want and as such we are self sufficient to take care of our needs .

    as you said ..step up guys ..I want to know what else you can offer in marriage cos i already have what You used to offer in the traditional way.

    May be guys are becoming obselete in some women’s life just as marriage is. Okay marriage still remains favorite hobby or pass time for most 🙂


  9. Mysticspirit February 23, 2011 at p02 #

    DG – glad to see you are back and blogging. Hmmm…very amusing post and very true too. I agree…we are not afraid to die alone. If a guy wants to be part of our lives he had better be worth it. Lets say ‘no’ to a hungry attitude, pot bellies, stained teeth, smelly shirts, couch potatoes, guys who don’t read and know nothing and make no effort with their appearance or personality because they seem to think they are Gods Gift to Womankind. Thanks but no thanks. These middle aged dudes ought to realise that we are looking for companionship – we don’t need looking after, nor do we want to look after anyone. Relationships between equals.

    Yeah, they do think they are God’s gift to womankind. It is amusing how men always go around looking for younger women. Are they threatened by women their own age? Guess yes. So the idea of relationship between equals is alien to them.


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