Life is Between Why Me? Why Not Me?
While she lay on floor writhing in pain wanting to ask someone “why me?” as if all that pain of broken bones and personal hurt wasn’t enough that she needed one more blow the phone in her pocket rang. Like a contortionists under training she maneuvered to reach the wretched thing. Distracted from her pain she heard El sobbing on the other side; some time ago she was unceremoniously dumped after a yearlong tango of missed steps. He had a text-book explanation; it is not about you it is about me I am not the right person for you. I want you happy I cannot offer you more than I all have already given you. You deserve better I am not ready for a commitment and family life for another few years. I deeply feel for you but I have to do it for both of us. It was sudden there was no break up dance, division of stuff or returning of gifts, it was swift Ta-ta bye-bye. Forgetting her pain she strained her ears to hear what El said between the sobs, all she could hear was “why not me?”
After a bit of long distance sobbing El divulged he was getting married to the woman he had broken up with before he met her. They were expecting and were seen at the wedding registry by our common friends. What hurt more him getting married or the news coming from distant corners? Everything was muddled up in those sobs and “why not me?” Little patience and probing explained the “why not me?” as “he wanted all those things that I wanted but he did not want them with me. “ As if it was a child’s play, let us play house but now I don’t want to play house with you leaving one lost and wondering “why not me?” Did we ever grow up or our hearts froze in time while our bodies and minds sprinted with our years.
May be it is true pain is an antidote for pain. She forgot her pain seeing her friend in pain. All she could do was wonder, if life is just limited to two questions, when hurt “why me?” and when rejected “why not me?”
What is more painful the gashes left by the shards of a broken dream(s) or the reminiscences of all that remained unsaid or all that would never happen?
PS: DG’s attempt to rant everyday has failed miserably due to reasons beyond her and some within her; will try to be more regular.