Desi Dilemma: To Get laid or Not to Get Laid

13 Jul

Desi Dilemma: To Get laid or Not to Get Laid

In last one week I have been bombarded with question at least 5 times by four different people and then I read this on a message board

Name: Lover

Date: 2010-04-29


I have a very loving and caring boy friend. We were in relationship for the past 4 years. I’m from south and he is a northie. Our marriage is fixed to happen after 2 years. As he is in north,i havent met him for the past 1yr 9 months. He is coming to meet me and i’m so excited. Though we have stayed lot of times together, i never allowed for sex. But this time, he is so adament bout sex and he is compelling me. I dun want to have sex before marriage. I said NO, and frm tht time he is upset and he said he ll cancel his tickets. Just to console him, i said yes now. But i really dont want to. How i can tel him NO so that we wont have any fights after he come here. I love him a lot and he is just in western culture and i’m in south..thts d prob 😦 Pls suggest.. 

The responses by other readers are pretty amazing. Left me wondering are relationships all about compromising one’s comfort to please another or manipulating the other.

 Saturday I went to Uni after morning Sadhna. A 22 year old male desi student approached me. We exchanged greetings and he asked if he could talk to me. We sat in the Student Association lounge and I asked how I could help him. He said, he felt he could talk to me because I am Desi and I am in Bana (weekends I wear Bana minus turban). (So Bana brings with it comfort of approaching a woman I did not know that.) He began with his problem; he is 22 and is sleeping around with anyone in skirt including Desi aunties who approach him at the temple. My response was dude; you are in guy heaven what your problem is? He insisted a tiny voice within his head reprimands him he feels guilty he thinks of ending this cycle and then he meets next skirt and it starts all over again. He believes it is not right but he can’t stop.

If it is bothering you then don’t do it very simple. Why me for this TMI? Because I want to know how you control your mind and actions. Do Sadhna or go and see school counselor. I am no ascetic, I know one thing for sure when you let someone become intimate with you they penetrate your aura and it takes 5 to 7 years to clean up your aura. I am still cleaning the mess from those 8 years I have no desire to start the nonsense again until I am really sure if that is what I want. It is lots of work but it is worth it at least that tiny voice doesn’t bothers me. My parting words were practice safe sex or you’ll end up with AIDS or child support payments for rest of your life.

Last fortnight, A (you met him here) went on a first date after communicating with the lady over internet for 4 months. He drove 120 miles to and fro to meet this 38 yr old school manager, who owned a house and a big car. According to A every thing seems good. She has goals of having a family in next two years and retiring in Caribbean, the only obstacle is to find the man to settle down with (pretty measurable and legitimate goals). She told him she believed in sex before marriage to check out sexual compatibility before she seals the deal. He was pretty freaked out. For him it is not a Christian thing to do. He believes marriage is a spiritual journey and needs to be honored. Though he clearly stated his stand, she insisted they meet again and talk.

This weekend he drove up north again and offered to cook for the lady and spend the day watching Slumdog Millionaire. She insisted going out. He shelled $150.00 to hear it won’t work because he doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. He was pretty pensive (I said, dude be happy it is just $150.00 and four months or else it would be $200,000.00 and 18 years of child support). I also said, dude you are worse than a Desi woman. Leave this drama-shrama to us, it is our copy right. He was more upset about the double standards the lady had as she was advocating abstinence for teens in her school.

Now it was my turn to be upset with A. How can he expect same ideals for a teen and a woman in her late 30s. Her biological clock is ticking; people above 40 are already receding in sexual encounters per year. Will she have time to figure out what works sexually while she is focused on making a baby?? Once the baby comes recreational sex will be out of window, kaboom there goes her sexual fantasies. He accused me of acting like a white man. Last time Ambi accused me acting like a white woman. Great now gender ambiguity.

 T called to say how pissed off she is that she’s been divorced for 6 years now and all her youth is passing by without sex where as the jerk who cheated and put her through all these hardships is sleeping with his new wife. Relative deprivation is natural when you believe sex is reserved only for marriage because you grew up with similar messages. She was even mad at herself and her desi upbringing why can’t she have mindless sex like other women she knows. Dear, you need a guy you are attracted to. Those you are attracted to are jerks and you don’t like jerks. So how is it supposed to work? You don’t want to date other ethnicities and your desi fixation is going no where. D is mad she’s been never married and is missing out on sex too. At times I wonder if sex is over rated just as marriages are.

Don’t Get Laid Because:

  • You are told it’s a biological need. Give me a better reason. I haven’t seen anyone dying without sex.


  • You are feeling relatively deprived because every body else is getting laid and you are running out of your share of intimacy or orgasms. You never felt relatively deprived when your peers were committing suicide. How about competing for that. You do not know what is going on with other people’s lives, focus on your life and needs.


  • Your partner wants to take the relationship to next level. The argument is exchanging bodily fluids will strengthen the bond. As if it is Fevicol. If that was the case sex could fix all those marriages that ended in divorces. If your partner is pushing you to have sex and you are not comfortable with the idea it should tell you something about your partner and your relationship. A relationship is more than getting laid. It is about respect for your partner, their feelings and comfort level. Today it is penetrative sex tomorrow it will be some weird sexual fantasy. Talk it now than fighting it out later. Even if you get laid for this reason and later find other red flags, walk out. It is not the end of the world.


Get Laid Because:

  • That is what you want to do. You want to do it for you, not to please your partner or score with your peers.


  • You are responsible enough to deal with its emotional outcomes like disappointment if it didn’t take you to cloud nine, guilt because you broke your own rule or your partner just dumped you and now you are feeling used and defiled.


  • You are responsible and you understand inherent risks STDs and pregnancy. Be informed about available services and where to seek help. If you are a woman and find your self pregnant, please don’t kill yourself. Talk to your partner check out your options, you know your priorities and circumstances the best don’t get influenced by what others are saying. Also, Planned Parenthood is there to help.


  • You are sure you’ll not get (feel) hurt and won’t hurt the other person.

These are just Desi Girl’s views do what ever works for you without hurting yourself and others, planet earth included.

41 Responses to “Desi Dilemma: To Get laid or Not to Get Laid”

  1. Arch July 30, 2014 at p07 #

    This is a great post!

    “I know one thing for sure when you let someone become intimate with you they penetrate your aura and it takes 5 to 7 years to clean up your aura.”

    Is this true? How is the aura defined? Can you recommend me any further reading materials on it. Thanks once again, loved your post!

    Welcome back to GGTS, a safe space.
    DG believes it is true for her, it takes a long time to get over a person she is emotionally attached to, just imagine where emotions are tied to body too.
    DG uses the material from and these are non denominational kundalini yoga sites. That is what DG practices.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Desi Girl


  2. Atheist Indian April 22, 2012 at p04 #

    The North-South thing is a familiar problem, that a lot of Indians have to deal with, at some point or other. A lot of women cave in to the pressure of “If you love me you would…” which I think is a very unhealthy approach to a sexual relationship (even if it works, for some guys). I think Indians have a lot of growing up to do as far as sex is concerned. Even though sex does involve emotional connection, depending on the nature of the relationship, they need to stop treating sex strictly as a ‘certificate’ of love. It will spare a lot of misjudgements and heartaches in the long run.

    Having said that, as a male, I can understand the perspective of the guy in a case where a girl takes a ‘no-sex-before-marriage’ stance. I know it may sound utterly insensitive, but when a girl makes it clear she isn’t going to sleep before marriage, it is a very definite goal. It not the same thing as an “I love you but I’m not ready”. From a man’s perspective it can translate to, “I am not sexually attracted to you, but if you commit and marry me, I will allow you sex as my wifely duty.” Please note that she DID use the word allow, which means she does have the idea of sex as a privilege at the back of her mind. In such cases, I don’t think the guy should compel the girl in question since it is predatory in nature and doesn’t really solve the problem (if the girl succumbs to the pressure reluctantly, which is a no-no in my book). If sexual compatibility is VERY important to him and is a dealbreaker, it is better to go for a woman who has a more liberal perspective.

    As for the second guy, it is rather unfortunate that women think it is in men’s nature to sleep around. For some guys, it IS paradise, either because they don’t really like women OR they aren’t getting women. But not all men are alike and not all men are SUPPOSED to be like that. Perhaps an indocrination of the pump-and-dump pop culture garbage that is fed to American public on a regular basis, which portrays Stiflers as some kind of national heroes (~ because turning into a womanising school bus driver is absolutely studly). It is for this reason that I believe the US is the worst example for arguing against teenage sex (since it does not represent teenage sex in general, but only in the American context).

    Anyway, excellent post and I agree with the dos and don’ts that you have illustrated. Desis and Indians really need it, given the cultural myopia surrounding sexuality, which makes people make the wrong choices.

    …stop treating sex strictly as a ‘certificate’ of love.
    Isn’t it interesting this woman uses the word “allow,” as if women are asexual beings. Yes, desi women are expected to be asexual except for on demand within marriage.

    Thank you, dude for taking time to read the posts and comment.


  3. Lurker January 11, 2011 at p01 #

    If a man truly loves you and respects you, he will respect your decision not to have sex. There are many men out there that will respect your choice to wait. Don’t believe the lies that you have to give in to make a man happy.


  4. gallas January 1, 2011 at p01 #

    Rationalists like Darwin, whom you quoted on spirituality think the whole ‘religion thing’ is a charade.

    They’ll advice you the same idolizing a god for women.

    DG doesn’t recall who she quoted, please enlighten her. Who ever asks people to idolize a person(s) or God(s) is off her book, people have personal choice to make whether to idolize or not.
    PS: Why are you using different email ids to post comments?


  5. gallas December 29, 2010 at p12 #

    Culturally, we don’t need to be in a dilemma we know that we’re to abstain till marriage. That in an ideal world.

    One-night stands, nude camps, swingers, live-in, sleepover etc licentious behavior might be the order of a modern world. But surely some of that moral decadence brushed on upon our social fabric fuelling huge peer pressure among youth.

    Perhaps desis didn’t mature to handle those demands. It’s rather difficult to let a person off your back after sex especially women.

    The ideal situation you mentioned historically was only meant for women, men married or unmarried always had a scope of peccadillos. Then Des is not a uniculture that could have one ideal type that could be streched on all communities and cultures. The tribal communities had their own rules of mate seclection and festivals and celebrations dedicated to the event where young men and women could indulge, then there were rite of passage ceremonies too.
    The mordern day peer pressure events you mentioned basically have roots in the tribal customs. It is the old dish being served in new platter. 🙂 In tribal communities it was regulated and socially monitored by seniors but here they it has gone amuck.

    The only point DG can agree is “…desis didn’t mature to handle those demands.”

    Getting women off your back, wont be difficult if the sexual double standards are removed from the marriage market. It has continued for centuries that men sleep around and expect their wives to be virgins. They’ll have to accept the women they sleep around are someone’s sister and are going to be someone’s wife.


    • gallas December 30, 2010 at p12 #

      Luckily no-one here sees it purely through a prism of gender bias like 9 out of 10 will say a virgin test is absurd.

      Times’ changing fast here DG, migrant Indians need some serious catch-up to do now ha


    • girlsguidetosurvival December 30, 2010 at p12 #

      You asked about women’s faith in babas here is something pretty shocking I found on net. This is not the first and it won’t be the last it is just one glimpse of blindfaith…!.html

      Desi Girl


      • gallas December 31, 2010 at p12 #

        Good lord, what a horrible cult incestuous video! I wish u hadn’t shown it to me on New Year’s Eve. Innocent, god-fearing kids being sacrificed to a lascivious godman.

        Hey listen, tabloid TV doesn’t give you a 360* view of spirituality, but a selective sensational shocking gross reality that boost ratings. For example they don’t run daily news of babas organizing medical camps for women, or old-age shelters for forsaken, or self-employment for widowers or souls and dysfunctional families they healed.

        There’s fraudulence in religion, and not much prudence. Sadly common sense isn’t so common here. Innate cultural sensitivity of Indian women is they sincerely see a father figure in our babas and search for guidance. They need to respect that perseverance.

        I’ve given you something to address our women this New Year, hope you find it constructive. Wishes 🙂

        Sorry for scarring your soul on the new years eve. Sure the TV doesn’t give 360* view what ever is missed out is covered by cell phone cameras. 🙂
        Yes some babas do perform socially constructive deeds. Often times that constructive/productiveness becomes a mask to do other things. Giri Bala has something amazing here, take a look at the video

        About desi women and their siprituality as you said seems similar to that of a philosopher who is a blind man, looking for a black cat in a dark room that is not there. The daddy they are looking for was never there. What you didn’t get while growing up- love, attention and reciprocity, you’ll not find elsewhere unless you create it from within.
        Lately DG has been getting quite a few offers to become desi godwoman (babi coz’ she is she) but she’ll pass.


  6. sharmila December 2, 2010 at p12 #

    Wandered through IHM’s blog.Living in a metro ,spoke about sex to daughter dear on more or less the same lines but your excellent do’s and don’ts made a good read.will ask her to read soon.
    speaking of sex, desis do not talk about sex sp with their children and when they get married and have problems in their sexual compatibility,same parents can be surprisingly open in discussions.

    Would like to share similar experience in my own extended family when a distant cousin got married and and found to her dismay that days fast turned into months and her husband would refuse to have sex on one pretext or the other.Imaginations were soon running wild and each one was chipping in with his own guess as to why the guy was avoiding her. psychological,behavioral ,in love with another girl,even in love with another guy,in short all possibilities were discussed amongst all relatives over the phone .Then the unthinkable happened(for her )when her mom started giving her tips on how to seduce the husband.Poor girl could take the explicit details no more and one day gave the parents a piece of her mind.

    In her own words..”mom its very funny that you did not let me read novels,go for english movies,browse through select tabloids and kept me away from anything related to sex till I got married and suddenly you want me to discuss the most intimate details of my married life with you!!thank you,but now let me handle the situation myself…”

    She took him for counselling,found out that,he was as unprepared for marriage as she was.They soon had a child but if you ask me about her sex life ,I really don’t know..there is silence from her side and from the parent’s side too.We can only hope all’s well on that front.:|

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    It is amazing how much time and effort desi parents devote on keeping daughters ignorant about sexuality and their own bodies and then they expect to be sexually competent over night. As if marriage is a lisence to lack of privacy. 🙂 The same parents who would not utter the word “sex” allof a sudden become all for it. 🙂
    A friend had similar experience, she was not prepared for marriage at all, but her husband was sensible to wait.
    Just yesterday DG had a discussion with a young friend about how romantic novels are not that bad. Even if they are gender biased and all about damsel in distress etc but they still tell something about relationships. At least one will have some idea unlike meeting the first person who professes love end up marrying them.

    Thanks for the complement. Kindly browse around may be you’ll find something else useful too.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Desi Girl


  7. raymond talyor November 18, 2010 at p11 #

    I am a 33 yr old generation x er. I live in the US.
    What is the basis for the rule of sex and marriage
    is that India is still a heavily populated country
    with a high % of poor people. One would want to curb premarital sex in that nation so their poverty rate doesnt goes up.

    In the US europe and other countries. people do have sex before marriage. Guess what that is the best sex if you dont start to young and are responsible. I understand the male dick insecurity but you out grow it.
    I am glad I grew up after world war 2. The best thing that happened to the US economy was birth control.

    Ladies I am going to be honest with you. With the exception of your husband, all men from your era just want to nail you for a period of time before you look like your mother.

    @raymond taylor,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    The desi rules of sex and marriage are exactly same as those in post war US. If you want the truth, desis don’t have sex, they just have babies. Either Gods give them or they pluck them from the trees… 🙂 Yeh American and European premarital sex is really good with booming teen pregnancies although their rates are decreasing. The key word is responsibility and how one values themselves and how they plan to waste themselves with whom… Rather DG thinks if this is the case then Europe should advocate for teen pregancies or single parenthood as their birth rates are falling… Will that help? Ultimately it waill fall on the tax payers to pay for the child support.

    Yeh, birth control pill was definitely a wonderful thing to save the lives of hapless women who had no other way out coz’ some/most men could not control their sexual drives.

    …With the exception of your husband,…
    Is a very broad generalization and insult to all those men who are not like that and men who are gay 🙂
    DG’s gay friends don’t go around nailing every thing moving nor do her straight male friends want to nail anything and everything in skirt. Choose them wisely. 🙂

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.

    Desi Girl


  8. Astatine July 26, 2010 at p07 #

    I was planning to get laid…then I realised I was not an egg… 🙂
    A very un-Desi post… good read..


  9. Nikhil July 24, 2010 at p07 #

    The moral brigade makes sex look like a crime. The very idea is being suppressed. Which is why having sex instead of bringing enjoyment brings a sense of achievement. Most of my friends show around their gf’s as trophies.


  10. girlsguidetosurvival July 23, 2010 at p07 #

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.


    Thanks for subscribing and most of all for finding GGTS as a useful productive piece of work. Desi Girl will definitely visit your blog at leisure.


    You are one more person who has labeled this post as bold. Why? Ain’t sexuality integral part of human existence? Oh, I recalled Desis don’t have sex neither do their Gods babies just crop up in the leaf, yajana or storks drop them on the roof tops. That is why our population is busting at seams.

    You are very right in your observation all the DON’Ts serve culturally justified reasons for DOs.


    You are right it serves to explore where is the NO coming from- fear or guilt. Fear of what act or being exposed; guilt why?

    …if you don”t feel like sleeping with him now, you never will? Then what would be the point of being married to him?

    Desi Girl do not agree and it does not work that way. May be she is not ready yet. A person has to confront their “self” and find their own comfort level. Desi Girl often sees a woman wants to but isn’t ready yet and she needs more time to figure out what she wants.


    Why bold? Refer response to Vadakkus.

    You are right to an extent that love first has to be expressed through kindness and understanding then comes physical intimacy. If it is other way round it fizzles out like rain drops.

    @Janice Stewart,

    Thanks for visiting GGTS.
    We desis don’t need to know how to get pregnant our populations are already busting at seams. May be PCOD/S forums will serve better audience for your site.

    @Kalpna Misra,

    I guess NO should be enough for an answer but some men can’t take it and they use guilt induction and emotional manipulation to extract a YES. Why someone doesn’t want to do, even if it is out of guilt or personal fear it is their prerogative to decide.

    The link to your blog isn’t working or you have not yet posted anything there.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.


    Desi Girl


  11. Kalpana Misra July 23, 2010 at p07 #

    Why say ‘no’ specially if you are going to marry the guy? What a big to do about nothing. And if you don’t want to get laid (think about that also, why don’t you want to?) then just say ‘no’. Bas


    • Atheist Indian April 22, 2012 at p04 #

      Sometimes, a guy gets engaged just to get laid, after which he simply breaks the engagement and moves to the next conquest. This is rather common in India, where pre-marital sex is still in taboo in most cultures and hence, guys often use plain old skullduggery to get laid.


  12. Janice Stewart July 22, 2010 at p07 #

    If it feels good, do it, if not, then don’t. Simple and effective.


  13. Arjit July 21, 2010 at p07 #

    A bold post, this was.

    I hate people who say that, “It’s how I express my love!?”

    By getting laid? No, it’s how you express your lust. Sex and love have nothing to do with one another. I say express your love by being honest, loyal, and trustworthy toward your partner; by putting their needs above your own carnal desires.


  14. Prolifique July 21, 2010 at p07 #

    Read the blog with great interest. Agree, you should be clear and do what you want,not what someone else wants. But ask yourself why you don’t want to? Is it because of guilt, fear of sex? After all there is nothing wrong with the sexual act, and u plan to marry this guy in the very distant future. Too far away to wait that long, two whole years??? Makes no sense. And perhaps if you don”t feel like sleeping with him now, you never will? Then what would be the point of being married to him?
    Too much commotion about a perfectly natural thing. Go ahead. Try it out. Our society needs to open up and bring sex out of the closet.


  15. vadakkus July 21, 2010 at p07 #

    Hi, Bold post, good work. I am not a ‘Desi’ in the sense, I live in India :). Unlike it is in the west, most people here have no idea what they are doing (mainly becuase the ‘cultural’ situation in India) and do it only becuase of the EXACT reasons you gave in the “DON’T” list.

    And well, for a huge majority, there is no ‘Whether’. They would jump at it given any chance.

    Shared it! Keep up the good work.


  16. restless July 21, 2010 at p07 #

    Hi Desi Girl!! Impressive post! I must say you are amongst those few people who are making good use of blogging. Just sharing ur daily routine and what u r doing is of no interest to others. But something informative, served in style and in the way understood and noticed by all is important, and u have done it well. You catch the attention by the very title of the post. I am subscribing through email.

    I like your uninhibited style. do visit my blog sometime.

    Restless Mind


  17. girlsguidetosurvival July 20, 2010 at p07 #

    @Vinay Prajapati, @ladynimue,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.

    Yes, it is one’s own responsibility to deal with that tiny voice. Some prefer dealing with it before and some later depending on their priorities.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.


    It needs guts, anger and reason to write this particular post.

    There are no guts or anger here (anger takes too much energy and effort DG is pretty lazy 🙂 ) but definitely a reason. In Desi Girl’s field of work especially working with young people and desis such dilemmas crop up every now and then. Let us accept it people are having non marital sex for what ever their reasons and they are also getting hurt, more women than men. Though this post was targetted to adults but here is a link to teen sexuality in India

    The whole purpose of this post was to address what one needs to consider if they are planning to go physical- personal comfort or peer pressure or pressure ffrom the partner.

    DG has heard from women in their mid 20s (in focus groups) how they gave in thinking it was love and soon the relationship changed. They felt obligated to marry the guy just becuase they once slept with him because they thought that was the only option left for them. Some one needs to stand up and say it is okay for a woman to walk away if it ain’t feeling right even after you have had sex with the person (guys have been doing that already 🙂 ). True, should have thought before acting but it is never too late to walk away from an abusive situation and it is one’s right. You cannot keep punishing yourself just because you made a big mistake in judgement. Accept it, take responsibility and see how you can do better.

    …If making love, having sex is going to be as plain as ‘getting laid’ as you say then, I’d rather not mention much…

    DG did not say anything. She just transcribed what she came across in last few days. To each their own. You are right it is all about personal priorities and what is important to one. If you have those clear then half the battle is won and other half won’t be a big deal. Lets not forget those priorities are also socially conditioned.

    1st Half= justifying to self or fighting guilt, shame or personal emotions.

    2nd Half= dealing with the other person or persons. Explanations and justifications etc.

    Anyway what has love got to do with sex? 🙂 Men visiting redlight area are definitely not making love nor are those women. This is the whole point of this post. Physical intimacy has a very strong emotional element in it. If physicallity is dominant and the emotional is subduded or neglected then the whole point of intimacy is lost all that remains is mere exchange of bodily fuilds.

    Would you have any suggestion that you think would benefit the reader and the cause, please do share.


    Desi Girl


  18. Shail Raghuvanshi July 20, 2010 at p07 #

    Hi V,

    It needs guts, anger and reason to write this particular post. If making love, having sex is going to be as plain as ‘getting laid’ as you say then, I’d rather not mention much. I have my priorities clear about this thing. I only hope others are, whether they want to have sex or not.
    Once priorities are clear in life, not forced, then life is smooth sailing, sex, job, religion or anything else.


  19. ladynimue July 20, 2010 at p07 #

    amazingly said of such topic ! agree with you on all points ! having sex is as much a personal choice and also a responsibility on yourself to handle the “voice in your head” later !!


  20. Vinay Prajapati July 19, 2010 at p07 #

    बहुत बेहतरीन सोच


  21. Indian Homemaker July 18, 2010 at p07 #

    Absolutely agree with everything. This is what I would tell my kids. Loved this post, let me Buzz it.


  22. varsha July 17, 2010 at p07 #

    This is a most refreshing site with so much of sensible advice.Somehow I think the problem even when you are mature responsible and capable of taking care of yourself is that at some point getting laid(such a diminishing term)becomes a charade.You need to go beyond-do youngsters understand that they are mistaking the tree for the woods?


    • girlsguidetosurvival July 17, 2010 at p07 #


      Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.

      Desi Girl is pleased to know you found this blog refreshing and sensible. DG always insisted and believed GGTS is intended for sharing an evidence based and research supported take on Desi taboo topics with adult women who suffer due to their gender. Men and teenagers are more than welcome to benefit from this information as most information is gender neutral. Will incorporate few topics for teens too. Thanks for the suggestion.

      Please share this information of hope with anyone who may benefit from it.


      Desi Girl


  23. girlsguidetosurvival July 15, 2010 at p07 #

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.

    Today (a day short of nine months) even though GGTS has made to 11,000 hits Desi Girl is still wondering if people really paid any attention to her rambling about the lives of 30 something single desi women. DG is amused more men than women voted for GGTS on indivine at 🙂 Thank you every one for all the encouragement and support.

    …don’t have hidden agendas which most girls-boys have these days.
    People who broke societal rules always had agendas be it some men interested in scoring or some women in enticing men into marriage through guilt or pregnancy. Desis always had problems with non-marital sex recreational sex for women. Thanks for supporting. 🙂

    Appreciate you found this post worth sharing with your friends. 🙂

    Welcome to the world of messed up desi masculinities. It is documented most young men report sexual initiation by older women related to them through joking relationships that have scope of sexual innuendoes- man’s elder brother’s wife; man’s maternal uncle’s wife. These are not a norm but are not unheard of either. For easy reference watch The City of Gold (2010);
    Geet Govind- Jaidev;
    Legends of Devi -Sukumari Bhattacharji & Ramananda Bandyopadhyay;
    A celebration of love: the romantic heroine in the Indian arts – Harsha V. Dehejia.
    (Will post the links towards the end of this response)

    You are right if the N/S girl accedes to her boyfriend’s demands she’ll loose his respect. For this reason desi women are prevented from even developing a crush because some husbands’ fragile egos get easily bruised and they throw it on her face if she refuses sex. I’ll have to find the reference from S it was in her thesis. I guess some people can not handle intimate discords maturely. 🙂

    Will post in the next post for sure. Ok not so sure. Thanks for calling in. 🙂

    Welcome, Desi Girl is glad you had a blast 🙂 .

    You are right if she goes ahead with his demands she’ll be opening the can of worms because this man is already emotionally blackmailing her. Research shows Emotional Abuse/blackmail soon turns into verbal followed by physical abuse. Thanks for contributing. 🙂

    Welcome. Desi Girl just received your email you wrote few days ago. Thanks for your kind thoughts.
    … consideration for the feelings of parents will go long way in re supporting the hopes and dreams of parents.

    This post was basically about women in their 30s who are single due to what ever reasons, sexuality is big part of their existence that is snubbed due to cultural underpinnings. Wondering when they will be free from parental supervision in the name of family honor or feelings of parents. DG will have to do a whole post about women in 30s dealing with loco parentis and in-loco parentis. Thanks for visiting 🙂 .

    You are right physical intimacy is more than physical some where deep it is about emotional/psychological comfort thus it will definitely have psychological impact. If it doesn’t then either party is objectifying the other or has lost sensitivity to self and has low self esteem. 🙂

    Welcome. You are right about the rules of sex. It is true all relationships are initially great and may descend later. The memory of good times definitely prevents a person from breaking up even a bad relationship but finally it does break.
    Guilt-free sex, oh will have to do a whole post. Unmarried women are treated as if they are asexual and it is emphasized they remain ignorant about sexuality and human anatomy. Once they are married even their parents expect they become sexually competent to keep the marriage going. There is no concept of transition it is like Abhimanyu go and conquer chakarvyuh with your half baked knowledge… 🙂 .

    @Gori Auntie,
    Welcome. Relationships and people both evolve. We change with time so do our priorities and concepts. So what was stated in the beginning of the relationship might not hold well over a period of time. Holding hands was ok and kissing was no-no but gradually it was acceptable so things change. But it is important both people be on same page and respectful of each other’s boundaries.

    #Desi Cougars, Aunties was the word he used. These are married women with children in their mid 30s and 40s with husbands who travel a lot. They have no intentions of holding on to this young man as arm candy so guess we cannot call them cougars. 🙂



    Desi Girl


  24. Gori Auntie July 15, 2010 at p07 #

    Good to know there are “Desi cougars” out there sleeping with hot young 22 year old guys!

    You Go Girls!


    I can assure you, as an “auntie” myself – it DOES happen!

    We make good kama sutra gurus!



  25. Gori Auntie July 15, 2010 at p07 #

    One thing that Desis (and everyone) need to do is DISCUSS from the very beginning of a dating relationship whether they are open or not to pre-marital sex. If one of them is not and the other one is not willing to wait, then he or she can MOVE ON to someone who is on the same page.

    I don’t think it’s right that the South Indian girl’s fiance is pressuring her to have sex when he knows she wants to wait for marriage. If they are getting married soon anyway, he should just wait. If he waited for 4 years, surely he can wait for 6 more months!

    On the otherhand, she should have made this clear to him from the very beginning of their relationship. If she did, he needs to STFU (shut the f*ck up) and just wait!


  26. preetidutta July 15, 2010 at p07 #

    Hi Desi Girl ..i have been reading your comments at IHM ‘s blog …and most of the time i felt ..we feel same about many issues ..

    I agree to your do’s and don’ts …dont do it because its kool , because everyone else is doing it and because it will change / save a relationship…do it as often , with whomsoever and as much ..when you want to .. I still dont understand mixing marriage and sex and would definetly have sex to see if i have compatibility with my partner ..and there are rules for sex ” dont do anything you cant talk about ” ..respect each other , and experiment till you are comfortable .. be safe than sorry …. and dont base your future relationship over sex… Marriage is much more than sex and just because u have or u havent slept with anyone should not decide marriage . IF u sleep with someone today and later your relationship spoils , you wont marry the person just because u had good time months ago .

    I sometimes wish we can enjoy sex guilt free ..with or without love is another point.. I dnt enjoy it if i dont love the person ..but then i wnt miss the fun if i dnt fall in love for years …:)

    loved your blog ..I am not with blogs nowdays , but you will still see me around often 🙂


  27. Haresh July 15, 2010 at p07 #

    A brilliant post!

    Agree to everything you mentioned in the post 🙂

    In spite of being open-minded, for me, sleeping with someone is something that can have psychological implications!


  28. anjugandhi July 15, 2010 at p07 #

    very interesting and bold post
    i admire you and applaud your guts to come out with such a serious aspect openly
    i do admit that we should be clear and firm in our thoughts as to what we want
    but before taking any step a slight consideration for the feelings of parents will go long way in re supporting the hopes and dreams of parents.


  29. anonymous July 14, 2010 at p07 #

    For the North -South case, as a guy, I dont think she should sleep with him. It will open up a can of worms,and if anything goes wrong,emotionally it will be as bad as divorce itself.

    On the other hand, I can’t understand why anybody will wait for 2 years to get married when you they have found the right person. Just get married in 2 months and do whatever you want!


  30. Sameera July 14, 2010 at p07 #

    LOL!! What I loved in this post…..” I have seen nobody dying without sex” ha ha haaa.. brilliant!


  31. Malvika July 14, 2010 at p07 #

    Dummy you still didn’t tell HOW TO SAY NO TO SEX 😦

    Add it. WCT.


  32. Milky Chai July 14, 2010 at p07 #

    Oh wow. The south girl w/ north boyfriend made me squirm as I was reading. AWKWARD! This guy is trying to bully her into giving in to something she has clearly stated she is uncomfortable with and then threatens to not visit if he can’t get what he wants?!?! What a spoiled pig he is! I don’t care if the marriage is fixed or not, I would spill the beans to parents if I were her and call off the marriage. Can you imagine what it would be like being married to that idiot guy? If she marries him she will forever be with a looser who doesn’t respect her.

    And the 22 yr old boy who confesses to sleeping with aunties he met at the temple??? OMG, I’ve never heard of such stuff! Does that REALLY happen or do you think he was just trying to sound “cool”??? Wait….I’m not sure at 22 sleeping with aunties would be cool though…..LOL


  33. Tbg July 14, 2010 at p07 #

    Thanks for putting this up. Someone needs to talk about this. Sharing this pronto.


  34. Bikram July 14, 2010 at p07 #

    very true.. we should have our thoughts clear on what we want.. and NOT do it cause someone wants it.

    doing it not doing it is individual choice. as long as you are true in your heart, and dont have hidden agendas which most girls-boys have these days …

    good post



  1. Top 25 popular Blog posts from Indian Bloggers in 2010 - December 28, 2010

    […] : Desi Girl What : Desi Dilemma: To Get laid or Not to Get Laid part of Tangy Tuesday Picks of Jul 20, […]


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A Desi Girl's Guide to Relationship Survival

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

From the wet market

Mostly vegetarian meals from Asia

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