Breakup: Grief and Loss


Grief and Loss

Grief, we all go through it at some point in our lives but still it is one of the most misunderstood and neglected processes in life. Responding to loss of relationship in the form of death or break up/divorce is both awkward, uncomfortable even scary for the griever and those around them. To avoid this awkwardness some people may prefer avoid dealing with grief or more so not acknowledge the loss it self. This makes the experience more lonely, unhappy and confusing than it might be.

There are so many misconceptions regarding grief that may actually hamper the process of recovery and growth following loss. Well-wishers often try to change how the grieving person is feeling, most commonly known statements they make are: “ I know how you feel” (no, you don’t, so don’t claim it), “You must stay strong” (no, I don’t want to I am feeling bad and low), “You have to get on with your life, one follows the dead” or “Aren’t you relieved that his/her suffering is over; if it were a break up or divorce some would say “good riddance.” Such clichés may help the one who says them but rarely help the griever. If you ask the griever he/she might want to scream, “no, you don’t know what I am going through so don’t even claim it,” “no, I don’t want to be strong I want to mourn and cry,” “I am not planning to die, all I want is for this pain to stop,” “sure, his/hers suffering ended but mine is here and now” or if it were a divorce or break up “how can you say good riddance, it was all I had.” Break up and divorce are just like death; death of a relationship. You mourn the loss of a relationship. If you are helping some one going through grief after loss avoid these ways of minimizing a person’s grief. The griever needs encouragement to recover in their own ways; there is no set timetable for recovery. To be able to help someone recover from their loss it is important to understand what is grief and its process.

Grief

Grief is natural and normal deeply painful response to loss. Commonly associated loss to grief is that of death of a loved one but there are many significant changes in one’s life that can involve loss and demand grief. Like, break up of an intimate relationship, divorce, sudden dislocation or relocation due to calamities or other unforeseeable reasons. The more significant the loss the more intense is the grief.

Every person experiences and expresses their grief in unique ways. Some people may feel angry and destructive others may just withdraw from life and yet few others may feel confused and not know what to do. No matter what their reaction is every griever needs support from others. Those helping the grievers need to anticipate a wide range of emotions and behaviors and accept them as normal and act accordingly. In order to be able to help effectively it is useful to know about the grieving process.

The Process of Grieving

Grief is a normal response to any significant loss that requires time, patience, courage and support. The griever may experience many changes throughout the process. Initially the person feels the shock, followed by a long road of suffering and finally moving towards recovery.

Shock

Shock is the initial reaction to loss. It is our body’s first defense to emotionally protect us from being overwhelmed by the loss. Example, it is normal for a person to lose memory of a traumatic accident, it is also normal for another person to go totally blank on discovering their intimate relationship is over or their intimate partner has physically assaulted them for the first time. In shock people may not be able to make even simple decisions, what to wear, what to eat, manage time etc. Family and friends need to just be there for the griever, simply sit and listen and assist the person’s daily basic needs. When I discovered I was divorced I went into sudden shock (I was in the hospital recovering from accident when he filed divorce so I had no clue). I lost short term memory. I had difficulty remembering what I was doing and what I was suppose to do. I would turn on the stove and not know why I turned it on. I would not be able to pick clothes for work. I would go without eating for hours and not realize that I had to feed my self. I was lucky I was living as roommates with a very spiritual host family; the lady, Ms A would help me get going with my day. She would help me make a list of what I’ll be doing throughout the day. That really helped, it kept me safe and helped me focus on myself instead of being distracted by the stress of managing cooking, cleaning etc. When my friend Atiya’s relationship ended she moved around like a zombie, it was good that she went abroad or else she would have lost her mind. As I was married I had the social sanction to cry maybe I was even expected to mourn but she was not married and her relationship was not known to her family so she could not grieve openly; same was Shanu’s situation. In my work with survivors of intimate partner abuse I have seen when women report abuse and take shelter in the domestic violence shelters they cry non-stop for hours and days. For the first twenty four hours they just cry and go to sleep the shock of becoming homeless and leaving the familiar is overwhelming. Shock may last for minutes, days or months depending on the significance of loss.

Suffering

It is a long period of grief during which a person comes to terms with the reality of the loss. A wide range of emotions, thoughts and behaviors manifest, every thing appears to be chaotic and disorganized. The nature of loss decides the duration of suffering. The common features of suffering are:

 Sadness:

In grief sadness is most commonly felt emotion. Person need not cry sadness is triggered by the reminders of the loss and its permanence. It can become quite intense and be experienced as emptiness and despair. A person may feel they have lost the purpose of life and not know what to do. Being married was a big part of my identity in the past decade and all of a sudden it was ripped off me and all there was left was a scar and stigma. I wanted out but I did not want the marriage to end. Marriage even if it was a bad one to me was a shield against the social censure. I felt us women all our lives dream to get married and when that marriage turns bad and ends abruptly the dream is shattered.  Now there is not even an illusion of a happily ever afters. One time I told him “I wish we were not married it would have kept the illusion of what the life could have been with you…” Now it was just like Sahir’s verses from Kabhi Kabhi, tu nahin tera gham, teri justzu bhi nahin… 

Anger:

 Once past sadness person feels angry and is confused by this anger. Anger is a frequent response to feeling powerless, frustrated or even abandoned. It is also a common response to feeling threatened; a significant loss can threaten a person’s basic beliefs about self and about life in general. I was very angry at the courts that would pass the judgment on an order that was never served. I was angry at all those people at my church that helped him through this. Consequently, anger may be directed at self, at God, at Universe, at life in general for the injustice of the loss, at others involved or, in the case of death, at the deceased for dying. I was angry at myself for letting him abuse me. I was angry at spending so much time and effort saving that marriage. I was angry at the universe and God for letting him abuse me and I was angry at him for getting away with it. Shanu was angry at him for breaking his promises and her heart. She was angry at letting him touch her in romantic ways, she felt used and dirty for days and months.

Guilt:

Guilt and self reproach are common reactions to things the griever did or failed to do before the loss. A griever may reproach themselves for hurtful things they said, loving things that remained unsaid, missing a chance to make up and prevent the loss. I felt guilty for bringing a bad name to my family as divorce is not tolerated in my culture. I felt guilty about letting him get away with it. I wanted him to get hurt by some divine intervention or karmic law of actions. At least I was dealing with social rejection Atiya and Shanu were dealing with the judge within them. Their relationships were not even existent to the world so the nature of their guilt was more detrimental, they felt guilty of letting their guard down and offending their personal boundaries.

Anxiety:

Can range from mild insecurity to strong panic attacks both fleeting and persistent in nature. Often, grievers become anxious about their ability to take care of themselves following loss and they also become concerned about the well being of their other loved ones. I rather became anxiety free. I felt as if nothing worse could happen. Here I was in a foreign land with broken bones and a shirt on my back. I felt if I was still alive then my folks would be okay too. Shanu dealt with panic attacks for quite some time, she feared he would sully her honor and mar the chances of her siblings’ marriage.

Physical, Behavioral and Cognitive Symptoms:

Periods of fatigue, loss of interest in things that were once enjoyable, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, confusion, preoccupation and loss of concentration often accompany grief. My sleep became erratic. After initial bad news I slept for almost 18 hours and there after I would not be able to sleep more than a couple of hours a night. I would stay awake in bed for hours. I would wake up as if I had run a marathon. My short term memory was last two words of the sentence I read or the sentence spoken to me. I would wander away in my thoughts while I was in company. I remember one time Atiya told me how wanted to jump in front of the Amtrack because she wanted the pain to stop. She would dress up every day and roam the town aimlessly not knowing where to seek help in a foreign country. Shanu did not stop bleeding for two months, she literally turned into a skeleton.

Suffering is most painful and lingering but necessary stage for any griever. It is observed these emotional and physical reactions are common symptoms that will stabilize and diminish with time as the person moves through the grieving process.  If these symptoms persist or get worse it is important to seek professional help.

 Recovery

 Recovery does not mean all pain will eliminate and all the memories of loss will fade away. The purpose of recovery is to reorganize one’s life. Accepting the loss and decentralizing it to allocate it an important space in life but on the sides. In the process person starts to accept the loss, resumes more familiar routine and starts investing time, attention and energy to other parts of their life. Loss is still felt, but it has becomes a part of my more typical feelings and experiences. As I started coming to terms with the fact I am now divorced and there is nothing more I can do about it. I gave myself permission to start enjoying life again. I missed marriage (not the man I was married to) when I went to desi gatherings but gradually even that changed. Now I love being single again. Recovery to me means reclaiming my choices. Atiya has moved on and so has Shanu, their concealed pasts only come out when we are together and mine stays on the wall like a dated poster.

 How to Help Someone

Make a contact

Reach out to the person who has suffered a loss. Yes, it is awkward. You may even experience fear or uncertainty. It is normal; don’t let that stop you from being a friend. Make a call; send a greeting card or email, if you can then be there.

Provide Practical Help

People often ask “If there’s anything I can do, let me know.” That is not enough and it is no good. I was in the hospital and desi’s would call me to say “let me know if you need any thing.” I needed six people to change my sides every couple of hours. I needed every thing. It would have helped if someone had offered to sit next to me through my physical therapy or had brought me home cooked food or done my laundry. Decide on a task you can help with and make the offer.

Be Available and Accepting

Accept the words and feelings expressed by the griever; avoid being judgmental or taking their feelings personally. Refrain from telling them how they should feel or what they should do. I could not have survived this had I not had my roommate, Atiya, Rinky, Nisha and other close friends.

Be a Good Listener

A person in grief needs to talk about their loss about the person, related events and their reactions. Allow grievers to tell their stories and expressing their feelings. Be patient and accepting of their expressions. My natal family was sympathetic but did not know how to react so they turned their backs on my reality; they acted as if last ten years of my life never happened. They were hurt too, it was also their loss but they did not know how to handle it. They treated me as if I was never married and nothing happened, so I could never open up. It was my friends and my faith that allowed me to grieve.

Exercise Patience

There are no short cuts in grieving; a griever needs his/her time to mourn their loss. Often friends and family start loosing patience, they want the person to move on. Rushing a person or cutting short the story they are telling not only hurts them but make them feel unimportant too. When ever I would reminisce something from my marriage another friend would say it is over and get over it. I use to hurt my feelings and one day I had to shut her off that she was hindering my right to mourn my loss. 

Encourage Self Care

Encourage the grieving person to attend their physical needs, postpone any major decisions, allow themselves to grieve and recover. It was my roommate, Ms A who encouraged me to attend to my physical needs (reminding me to eat, take my vitamins, go for exercise etc), some days she would let me lie on the couch watching TV for hours and on other days she would turn off the TV and ask me to come with her for walk. She provided me support in getting back into activities and making decisions.

Modeling Good Self Care

Often those helping the grievers become overwhelmed with responsibilities and emotional burdens. It is your responsibility to care for your self. Make your self a priority only then you’ll be able to help others. Stay positive and maintain a realistic perspective if it gets too much take a break. Help yourself so that you can help others.

 

 

 

 

 

17 Responses to “Breakup: Grief and Loss”

  1. shail August 31, 2012 at p08 #

    This is such a relevant and useful post. Keep up the good work DG. Whenever I meet someone in difficulties, I send them over to read your posts.

    @shail,
    Thank you, It is support from co bloggers and readers like you that keep DG going…
    DG

    Like this

  2. mamta August 30, 2012 at p08 #

    This is the worst site i have come through in my life. It only preaches how to increase ur ego which will finally end up in divorce and break up followed with problems throughout ur life which only u will have to face with no one to help ever. There are 9999 couples who face problem then lower their ego for benefit of society and first oneself and live happily. and only one who follow the site preaches and end up in divorce. Its better if u do some courses like vippasanna, art of living which shows whats wrong with oneself and helps in dealing matters in life.

    mamta

    @mamta,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    You are entitled to your opinion. Did you browse around or just based your opinion on one piece you read?
    If this is the worst site ever you have come across in your life then your life is pretty short and drab. How about improving it?

    Anyway thrive in your opinion and let DG do what she does the best, be hopeful or else the number of blog hits will be still.

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2012/07/04/it-feels-good-to-know-dg-made-a-difference/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/home-and-happiness/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/dealing-with-in-laws/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2011/03/24/once-upon-a-time-there-lived-a-happy-galhg/

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  3. Bad Indian Woman January 31, 2012 at p01 #

    Hello Girl in Pain,

    I really feel for you.

    I know what it feels like when somebody whom you love and trust, somebody so close that he is almost physically a part of you, betrays you and breaks your heart.

    I think what really wounds us more than the break-up itself is the way they (our exes) choose to do it.

    If they are cowardly or dishonest or indirect about it, then the pain and betrayal is so much more.

    However, you may not realise it now, but someday you will look back at this period and marvel at your own strength, your own fortitude and your will to survive.

    You are the person you are because you endured and triumphed over suffering and pain.

    Instead of making us bitter and cynical, suffering can make us more human, more loving and better able to empathise with others.

    I’ve been through a bad break up AND a divorce and I can say unequivocally that the divorce was not as devastating as the break-up was.

    I did not love my ex-husband with the same depth and passion as I did my ex-boyfriend, so the break-up for me was so much more traumatic.

    Sadly, many people cannot, or do not know how to console somebody who is going through a break-up.

    Indians are good at consoling people who have lost a child or a spouse, but they cannot empathise with someone going through a divorce or a break-up.

    Perhaps that is why your friends were unable to give you the support and understanding that you needed.

    I really wish that people would learn the art of breaking up respectfully and with dignity.

    Like this

  4. Bad Indian Girl May 31, 2011 at p05 #

    Thanks a lot DG for your very wise and patient reply. I have been going through your older archived posts and I now understand where you come from. :)

    You’re a wonderfully strong and wise woman, I wish I knew women like you in real life. Even your blog is an inspiration and source of affirmation for so many women who, like you and me, are caught in the crosshairs of our oh so wonderful desi culture.

    Thanks a lot for being such a strong beacon of hope and conviction for all of us struggling to deal with our troubled pasts. God bless you! :)

    Thank you.
    Now you know DG in real as a person.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  5. Bad Indian Girl May 10, 2011 at p05 #

    DG, do men also suffer these emotions? Do divorced men suffer from guilt, sadness, anger and anxiety? My soon-to-be ex seems to only be preoccupied with pinning all the blame for the relationship’s failure on me. He doesn’t seem to really regret the break-up as such. I get the feeling that his sole concern is to absolve himself from any blame in the eyes of his mother and extended family. It’s almost like as long as he can prove to people that what happened was really not his fault, he doesn’t really care about the demise of the relationship. Hence my question about men feeling sadness and loss after the breakdown of a marriage. All the divorced men I know always point a finger at their exes and say the divorce was their wives’ fault, not theirs. So I was wondering if it’s a male thing to blame the female partner for a relationship’s failure. I know I have gone through periods of intense introspection and self-analysis, before I took the decision to part ways. My almost-ex on the other hand, is still stuck on “If you had done so and so/ been such and such, then our marriage would have survived.” There is no admission of any wrong-doing on his part. I think he is genuinely convinced that I am solely responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. Are all men so blind to their own complicity in the failure of a relationship or did I get saddled with a bad specimen from the “XY-world”?

    Like this

    • Phoenix May 14, 2011 at p05 #

      I thought i will share my experience with you Bad Indian Girl. When I first explained the court notice to her (btw case is still pending for 1.5 years) my wife went into a tizzy, made numerous phone calls and became so upset that I had to leave her just to absorb the harsh reality. She sold our stuff and moved on since then.

      We haven’t spoken since, as I don’t take her calls any longer and neither does she appear in court. The feeling was mixed. I was inundated with delight of liberty and also anxiety as I had no idea how her side will react. There was no going back, no guilt, no anger since we discussed this on several occasions. She just needed time alone to fight her own demons.

      I haven’t bad-mouthed her, kept explanations limited only to close ones. And to fair-weather friends my favorite avowal ‘it’s done, don’t want to go over it again’. Both marriage and divorce are exclusive personal experiences. In India over 40% of court cases are matrimonial related. That gives an idea of how many are in agony. More power to you these trying times.

      @Phoenix,
      Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
      Who ever initiates divorce goes through lots of emotions, guilt is definitely one even if they are trying to escape dysfunction or abuse. The marital bond is deemed divinely ordained so the guilt is also big. If you people had discussed filing for divorce she should have been prepared but if it came out of blue for her then she went into shock, anger/rage and martyrdom kind of cycle.

      Her not appearing in the court is another way of proving her martyrdom. DG did not appear in the court because she did not know if she was being divorced and she was not even in the country.
      Keeping explanations to minimum and not bad mouthing is the best way to do this. When people explain too much and badmouth, they in a way are trying to exhibit martyrdom complex and proving their innocence.

      That Godforsaken now ex of DG had the audacity to sign the court dockets (that means divorce is final the judge has signed the papers) then come to DG’s church and beg the congregation in tears to help him get DG back. A week later DG lands she goes to church and everyone was giving her weird looks; an old lady approached her and told her how she was wrong in not taking him back as he is a changed man now (remember he was physically abusing DG and had a police case), what will happen to her life (because now DG walked with cane and was disabled) and on and on… So abusers use all kind of tricks to cover their guilt and make the other person seem petty. 40 days later DG found out she was divorced, this was strategically done by him and a senior female member of congregation because after 40 days one cannot go and repeal the decision (one can get the financial settlement reopened but it is a very cumbersome process to prove fraud).

      At that time with shock, pain and humiliation DG did not need to explain anything to anyone as people had made up their own stories based on his begging and crying. DG’s only option was if you can’t leave the town just grow thick skin and become see through to people who do not pay your rent and bills.

      @Bad Indian Girl
      DG is sharing this to tell you how low people can get and to what extent they can go. One time she got to speak to ex and he told her he divorced her for her sake so that she could find a better person. Martyrdom is runs deep in desi veins :) and manifests in myriad ways. So pick and choose what you’ll do here after; feel guilty or grow thick skin because you know the truth.

      Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Like this

      • Bad Indian Girl May 21, 2011 at p05 #

        Phoenix,

        Many thanks for sharing your story with all of us troubled and not-so-troubled souls. It’s not easy to share one’s personal history even if it is done online. Thank you for clearing up my misconception that divorced men like to badmouth their wives. Maybe it’s not a gender trait as much as it’s a personal trait. Adversity brings out the best in some of us and the worst in others. I will say this much though, in India, divorce is right up there along with mental illness and AIDs as one of the most stigmatising experiences a person is likely to go through. I think Indian society is less harsh to people arrested for coruption than it is to divorced people. I wish you the very best too Phoenix, and thanks again. :)

        Like this

      • Bad Indian Girl May 21, 2011 at p05 #

        DG,
        Thank you so much for sharing. I want to ask you another question since I know that you meditate too and are walking the spiritual path. Well myself have only just discovered the spiritual aspect of life. I sense and see, however, a strong aura of well-being and harmony around people who meditate. I myself have not yet reached a stage where I can fully shed my hurt at having been wronged. I have however, accepted that I am resolving my karma and therefore went through what I did. I have also met women who have gone through worse but have learned to forgive and accept. They do not spend their days wondering if their tormentors (mainly exes and in-laws) will get their just desserts or not. However, since I am myself not at that stage, I often wonder, when people wrong us, on a karmic level, do they pay for their actions? Will my ex pay for the hurt he caused me? Is there a purpose in this madness called desi family dynamics? Are we destined to suffer as wives and DILs because we have a karmic debt to pay?

        That is an eternal dilemma “if my tormentors will pay the price.” DG was still married and being abused, she heard the news that Idi Amin died in a luxury hospital in Europe, she was so purturbed that she did not sleep for many nights. She asked her father if it was justice that a man who brought wrath on so many died in luxury. How many people had wronged him that he settled his karma with them by tormenting or becoming a cause of their torment. This question was very pertinent to survivors. He could not answer her but directed her to one of his senior colleagues. This sagely man said something that made a great sense to DG.

        What ever happened to Idi Amin be it in the luxury hospital he was suffering; even if he was not suffering will it make any difference to all those people he killed or tormented? If he were tortured and punished would that change their situation in any way? Guess not. What happens to an evil person is beyond you and me. The best revenge I guess is to live a fulfilling life. DG`s less than perfect life is a blessing. There are good days and there are not so good days but all days are blessing because she wakes up alive and finds her family and friends healthy and supportive.

        If DG were to think of evil befalling on her tormentors then she`ll be letting them control her life. It will be like waiting to get rich by investing in a stock that you believe will rise but not sure when. In Haryanavi we say, “Kad mare saasòo kad aave aansoo“ (will shed tears when the MIL dies, neither she dies nor I repent`).

        To forgive does not mean you have to start loving your tormentors, it is a way of taking back control of your life, freeing yourself from that dysfunctional system. It is a journey with practice it gets easier and better. Some days will be good and some not so but it will all depende on what you make of your days.
        Meditation is just a tool of self exploration, it is not end all and serve all. The more you know yourself the more you`ll feel control over your life. It is a commitment to self with consistency, one has to do it day after day everyday :) The more you put in the more you get out of it. DG is doing and learning it every day, someday she wants to throw in the towel and then other days she is high on it. She is travelling and it is time for a self talk. :) bye for now…
        Hope this helps.
        Peace,
        Desi Girl

        https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2011/02/05/desi-ex-files/

        Like this

  6. thechildgonewild April 22, 2011 at p04 #

    Thank you, DG, for this wonderful and comprehensive post. Very timely (for me) too!

    Like this

  7. Jyoti January 28, 2011 at p01 #

    Cant tell you how much i can relate to this post .. i can completely understand each word as i hve just been thru all of it .. i didnt know i wud be at this stage to read a blog patiently .. but i m doing it.. Patience is the only key .. Time heals everything. My best frnd ( Frnds since we were 3-4 yrs old ) lost patience in me .. she thought i wud never recover from my breakup .. said such things tht it has hurt me for lifetime … now i dont hve courage and affection to talk to her again ..

    @Jyoti,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Sorry for your loss. If it is any consolation, your friend did the best she could. She cannot even claim to understand what you were going through because she had not experienced it. Instead of listening she said nasty words, that was indeed her best. Always remember “a pint cannot contain a quart.”

    Supporting an other person is a task of patience and self restrain, very few people are successful in doing so. One cannot put a timeline on recovery and healing. Here, may be this will explain why she did what she did
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/what-you-can-do/

    To forgive her doesn’t mean you have to go back to being as it was mode but treat it as another loss with kindness.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

    • Girl_in_Pain January 28, 2012 at p01 #

      Dear DG,

      I’m glad I found this post. MY first and only love sent me a mail and told me sorry for ending the relationship. The reasons were terrible. And 6 months I tried to sort it out and stick to that moron only to find out he was lying to me and pretending that things were fine. HE told me he was trying to break up with me for 6 months. The depression I went through and still going through is unbearable… From loving someone so much to trying to hate him out of my mind.. To finding so many lies he had told me .. to feeling like a complete idiot for being so naive in the past..The guilt of letting him do whatever he wanted.. the pain of being fooled. the many hours I prayed and tried to set his life right.Uff, the pain is too much till now. Its been 2 years since he sent that mail and 1.5 years since the actual break up happened.. I can see that I’m moving on slowly.. but the pain.. its still there.. The tears are still there.. the hopelessness I feel in my life of ever finding someone whom I can truly trust naturally is gone.. Do you think I will ever get over this pain? I have recounted this pain again and again and again to my few friends… and During my break up few of my close friends behaved so heartlessly.. its caused a permanent scar in my heart.. the only..

      What should i do to make the pain go away?

      I was this girl who wanted to love and marry only one guy.. but now.. I’ve lost trust in love..

      Awaiting a reply..
      Girl in Pain


      @Girl_in_Pain,

      Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
      Sorry for what you are going through but if it is any consolation then begin with you are not the first one to go through this and you won’t be the last. This way you’ll not feel alone and odd one out. What ever the reasons for break up the fact is IT IS OVER. Some of the reasons would have been ridiculous and there was bit of truth some where that could be anything. Acceptance of what is always helps DG to get hold of things.
      Once DG stopped doing “I would have”, “could have”, “should have” her life became so much better coz’ woulda, coulda, shoulda just keeps you in the past and hold your feet from moving into present. Like everyone else you are just mourning what could have been. There are no guarantees even about the most expensive gadgets not even NASA shuttle so be happy it is just 2 years not 20.

      Start loving yourself, exercise, meditate, take up new hobbies or skills. Heal yourself and give your mind little rest from running around in fear if you’ll find someone. Just ask your self are you fun to be with. It is a natural fear if someone ever love me again, will I ever be capable of loving etc. Its been seven years DG hasn’t dated or gone out looking for love, she is in no hurry broken bones and healing is a lot of work and she has no patience to deal with juveniles in adult bodies.

      At one time in her life DG would have thought yoo could love only once in your life but with age she learned it is all in your head there is no tax in loving one or more people and nothing is for ever. DG was raised on wheat but now she is gluten sensitive. So nothing lasts for ever, your happiness is your responsibility. It will get better if you let it get better. Make some good girl friends, yes, sometimes friends can be pain in the neck coz’ they too have their limitations accept it. Pick a hobby where you can meet new people and be kind to yourself.

      Please share this message with anyone who may benefit.
      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Like this

      • Girl_in_Pain January 30, 2012 at p01 #

        Dear DG,

        Thank you so much for your detailed reply. Yes I’m still thinking – couldve/shouldve etc.. Till today there is at least one time that I think about him and my relationship and when I come to the point where I recap how he told me he wants to breakup, that time pain is unbearable. I really truly believed in true love and never in my wildest of dreams imagined he would be the one who would end up hurting me this much! I will definitely follow all the ideas you have shared and change things around in my life. Thanks for the wonderful reply!

        I think I can love a nicer man again, but to trust a man and to think that he would be true is what seems hard to me.. But from my side, I would still always want to be true and committed to whomsoever I’m going to marry. Marriage is another big fear but maybe it can wait now.

        I am really waiting for the day I wont think of him and forget him that entire day. That’s the day I would have truly healed I think. God bless you!!

        Love,
        Girl_In_Pain

        PS: I came back several times to check for a reply and glad you did so

        @Girl_In_Pain,
        We heal when we realize there is no going back and fixing anything in the past.
        1. We cannot go in past and fix anything and,
        2. Past behavior is the trailer of the future behavior. What Ex did in the past will repeat in future.

        Start loving and valuing your self and you’ll find the love you deserve. Give it time. Make “You” your top priority. Go on a fun date san romance and see life is more than Ex.

        All the best,
        DG

        Like this

  8. restless September 20, 2010 at p09 #

    A very touchy issue. Moslty grief is beyond the reach of words. But a little strength from within makes all the difference.

    At least, it’s good to know, one can help oneself, in such issues.

    RESTLESS

    Like this

  9. anirudh August 24, 2010 at p08 #

    i wish i had a friend like you 3 months back. it was the absolute worst time in my life and its a wonder am still alive.

    @anirudh,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    We can be friends now. :) Isn’t it good that the worst is over and you are here that means there is a greater purpose in that suffering. At time Desi Girl wonders if she had not gone through her share of relationship miseries could she be the person she is today. When she was in the situation it felt as if it would never end but it did end and a new and better phase began in her life.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.

    DG wishes for you to heal and feel supported. Sending you warm wishes and support.

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  10. TJ August 20, 2010 at p08 #

    I have heard these teachings before, some time ago. Bumping into these words was so necessary for me right now, as my grieving is just beginning, and I am having trouble coping.

    Most of who I have around me for support are guilty of exactly what you say they should not be doing. Yet they’re all doing it. I feel as if I have no support whatsoever, or why are they even speaking to me if that’s all they have to offer.

    thanks for the reminder

    tj

    @tj,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.

    Desi Girl commiserates with you. Hope you feel the kindness and compassion of your creator in these hard times and forgive these well wishers for they do not know what they are doing… They are doing their best to help you but their best is hurtful…
    Please feel free to come here to share and feel the support.

    Sending you warm thoughts and strength,
    Peace,

    Desi Girl

    Like this

  11. Durlov Baruah June 8, 2010 at p06 #

    Awesomely written. One of the best I have read in this genre. There is a research report that I had stumbled, which said Divorce is the most traumatic experience, followed by death of a son, interestingly followed by about to be divorced, but reconciled.

    Like this

  12. Bikram May 12, 2010 at p05 #

    WOWOW where were you 3 months ago… hmmmmmmmmmm you forgot one REVENGE…
    it should be allowed … shud it not :)

    Like this

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

My life and everything that touches it....

Kafila

media | politics | dissent

"कुरुक्षेत्र"

मेरे विचारो का

समाजवादी जनपरिषद

वैश्वीकरण विरोध हेतु

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

A Desi Girl's Guide to Relationship Survival

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

W.S.S.A @ UWindsor

Women's Studies Student Association @ University of Windsor, Ontario

संजीव तिवारी . . Sanjeeva Tiwari .. Chhattisgarh

हमको मालूम है जन्नत की हकीक़त लेकिन, दिल को खुश रखने को ग़ालिब ये ख़याल अच्छा है

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Beyond The Second Sex (स्त्रीविमर्श)

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

नारी , NAARI

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Sparsh

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Zerqa Abid

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Sex And The Indian Cities

love, friendship and life in the Indian cities

THE PCOS DIVA

FINALLY FEELING FIT, FERTILE AND FABULOUS

NightLife

Chronicles of Less Urban Living, Fresh from In the Night Farm

आराधना का ब्लॉग

'अहमस्मि'- अपनी खोज में

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 308 other followers

%d bloggers like this: