How all her worst fears came true

11/01/2013

Finally scumming to NaBloPoMo

If not fear then it will be our ego that keeps us stuck in dysfunctional situations and relationships. If our thoughts become our actions and our actions become are behaviors and habits then our thoughts are definitely powerful enough to make things happen. As the readers know how DG’s worst fears both actual and assumed came true in the exact order she had been mulling over them for days, months and years while every fiber of her being screamed to get out of an abusive marriage. If her fearful thoughts  were so powerful that they could manifest themselves exactly the way she had dreamt of them both in sleep and wide awake through days and nights then how powerful her positive thoughts could be she often wondered. Being  present in the moment was the positive side effect of the accident that not only broke bones, home and bank all at the same time. The moment was all she had, first it was morphine free moment to moment then hour to hour and then one day at a time for many years to come and even now many days are just one day at a time.

Looking back it seems those fears were not unfounded they were very legitimate but were given little too much credence and space in her head that magnified them and their end results. Once all those fears came true they were there and were dealt one at a time and they were manageable, bones were fixed if not in the company of loved ones then in the company of strangers who became dear ones. The physical home was just a roof over head without the feelings of belongingness that was gone a new idea of home emerged home is where you rest your head be it in a motel for a night. DG still unpacks her suitcase and sets up the nightstand even if she checks in a hotel for a night and building her piggy bank is an ongoing project…

If those fears were manageable then how did her mind magnify them to those monstrous proportions? It was her ego that fed those fears, she was willing to betray herself than the social scripts that said, homelessness will be worse possible outcome as it will bring not only physical hardship but also shame. The physical hardships are manageable but the minute you attach value especially shame to a situation you give away your power and make that situation have power over you. Homelessness was a state with a potential to change but being under unsafe roof in the name of honor of family and marriage was a dead-end stage. Social scripts, social agents, significant others and everybody can shame you for being homeless for any reason be it addiction, abuse or misappropriation of finances but you lose the battle the minute you shame yourself. It was one man’s ego (raised on cultural scripts) that destroyed a beautiful family within minutes that was build both by him, his wife and extended family over years.

Situations are states with a potential to change sometimes sooner sometimes very slowly but they do change why indulge your ego and make them humongous. See them as they are and break them into small pieces and tackle them one at a time. This all DG learned.