Abused: What You Can Do?

 

Accept it you are in an abusive relationship.

Identification of the problem is the first step towards recovery. You cannot fix something you do not consider is broken. The longer you are in denial the longer it will take for you to get out of it and dangerous it will become. Yes, you have invested time and emotion in this relationship. You are also worried about what people might say, may be your relationship is secret from the world . May be you fear your abuser will sully your reputation and your parents will be mad at you. But the fact is none of these considerations will change your situation. Start planning to get out of this mess before it gets even messier.

It is not your fault that you are in an abusive relationship.

You trusted this person or you let your guard down it doesn’t matter. It was a mistake and you cannot punish yourself for ever. Abuse is a learned behavior, early in the relationship when the abuser demanded undivided time and attention it felt good may be you even thought it was love. But now if it is suffocating you it is not love anymore. The abuser has learned how to get compliance from you and you have learned how to give up your power, yes there is fear of physical assault.

You do not have to be ashamed.

To confess being abused is very humiliating. But you are not alone. Eight out of ten women around the world get abused by intimate partners in their life time. The abuser should be ashamed not the abused. Remaining silent gives the abuser power over you.

Disclose your situation to a trusted friend who is non judgmental, supportive and will maintain your confidentiality.

 A friend who will not ask you to chose between her and your abusive partner. This will lighten your burden.

Usually your friends love  you and do not want you to hurt also, they do not know how to react to your situation and how to help you. May be they too are in similar situation and your confession makes them uncomfortable. Often they may want you to severe all ties with your abuser. It is difficult because you have invested time and emotions in the relationship. May be your abuser is the only emotional support you had in difficult times. All feelings are normal. Start planning to prepare yourself for the change. You can change your behavior not your abuser’s. Yes, you have cried, begged, tried to manipulate him with desirous behavior. Did it work? No it did not and it will not work. The abuser is responsible for his/her behavior.

Look for help

If you are in India contact  your college’s Women’s Studies Resource Center or Psychological Counseling Center.  These centers are committed to confidentiality. You can even speak to your doctor. Call a helpline.

To end an abusive relationship is scary just like maintaining one.

Listen to that tiny voice deep inside you, your creator gave it to you to protect you at all times. Your instincts are your best friends. Trust them. You are wondering if you’ll ever find someone who’ll love you. May be you are thinking you deserve this. May be the next person will be worse than this partner. Yes, all your fears are normal but they are holding you in a bad situation. There is so much more to life than suffering.

Have the courage you have it in you just try it.

When you initially question the abuser’ s behavior they placate the situation with affection and gifts and soon they revert to their old behavior. But when you question few more times they intensify abuse (giving you silent treatment, yelling, screaming, breaking things, hurting themselves or hurting you etc.) to prevent you from asking for a change in the relationship. And you learn to keep peace by not ruffling the feathers. Abuser is basically teaching you how to remain abused and give up your power.

Practice the script on the “Your Rights in a Relationship” page and prepare yourself. Your safety is your concern and responsibility.