1) Your partner and relationship feels like a dream?
2) He repeats “I can not live without you?”
3) You have just met and you are discussing marriage.
4) He idolizes you. You are afraid of disappointing him.
5) He makes your relationship public without your consent.
6) He feels jealous and insecure when you look at or talk to other men. He casts doubts on you.
7) He makes impractical demands, wants you to be an ideal woman or partner like how you should dress, talk, act…
8) He believes men and women have different roles and rights.
9) He feels outraged and slighted at minor issues. You spend more time in placating him and explaining his behavior to others. For example, he is good at heart its the stress at work/school that is bothering him.
10) When angry he breaks and throws things.
11) He comes from a violent family where one or both parents had violent fights and used violent disciplining.
12) Every now and then he has differences with his family. There is constant drama in his family.
13) Blames others for his problems, “so and so instigated me,” “you made me do this.”
14) For all his problems, mistakes and defeats he holds others responsible generally the world. “The vicissitudes of life have made me bitter.”
15) You refrain from expressing your views because you fear upsetting your partner.
16) You participate in those activities that do not interest you or bore you because you fear expressing your dislike and saying “no.”
17) Asks you to have sex to prove your love for him.
18) You can not express your views without fear of adverse repercussions.
19) You feel helpless that you cannot please your partner in anyway.
20) He drinks and abuses drugs.
21) Pressures you to keep the relationship a secret.
22) After emotionally and physically abusing you he asks for forgiveness and buys you gifts to make up.
23) You fear on ending the relationship he’ll blackmail you, sully your reputation or commit suicide.
If you have answered “yes” to even some of the statements be aware you have stepped into an abusive relationship.
These are all signs of an abusive personality.
A Desi Girl's Guide to Relationship Survival 
I agree with it. Initially I thought, Hey what wrong with a person saying “I cant live without you”!!! I was so surprised. But you were right in saying that its an emotional burden.
Perhaps if a spouse says, “I cant live without you” every other day, its a sign of emotional abuse, but if he says it only as an expression to emphasize how important his spouse is, I dont think it comes under abuse.
“I cannot live without you” became synonymous with “I give you the utmost importance” or “I am so fond of you”
Just my thought. What do you say?
@Post Wedding Life,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Ï cannot live without you,” is a pretty loaded phrase. How often and in what context one uses it defines its seriousness.
Effective communication is clear transmission of message between the sender and the receiver. How the receiver reads those words and interprets them gives them the meaning not what you meant and was lost in translation. If the incumbent feels the burden of those words laden with expectation then those words are manipulative hence abusive. Our words carry meaning so it is important to chose them carefully.
A lot non verbal reading happens in the relationships, do the the actions in everyday life match those words? If not then those words are a burden. One need not say “I can’t live without you,” te times a day there are losts of ways to make your partner know what they mean to you.
Hope this expounds
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
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The following are not signs of an abusive relationship, if the other points are not true. It’s ridiculous to say abuse is lurking when a relationship feels like a dream or if you’re discussing marriage even if the poor man has had an unhappy upbringing…
1) Your partner and relationship feels like a dream?
2) He repeats “I can not live without you?”
3) You have just met and you are discussing marriage.
I wish you’d consider eliminating these things or at least edit your final statement
“If you have answered “yes” to even some of the statements be aware you have stepped into an abusive relationship.These are all signs of an abusive personality.”
As an editor (and woman) it bothers me that you would club something like ‘discussing marriage’ as a sign of an abusive personality
@A,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
You are entittled to your views. These signs are based on Conflict Tactics Scale (CTS) and CTS Revised (CTSZ). Please google the terms and educate your self.
If it feels too good to be true then it is defintely NOT take a realistic view of the situation. One cannot by a product if the offer seems too good and unrealistic but according to you they should not enquire further and jump into the relationship.
“I cannot live without you.” Is a serious statement, it is putting too much emotional burden on another person; putting onnus of one’s happiness or survival on another and not taking any responsibility for their own welbeing.
If one is talking about marriage just after few meetings it is a big give away as the person is not able to keep up the hype of putting a good show.
Any way DG is not going to discuss this further because this particular work is evidence based research. Please educate your self.
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Halloa, consciousness raiser!
Thought I owed you a visit after you hammered a crucial point home on IHM’s blog.
I read through the list basically out of morbid curiosity. Heh.
And I certainly fit the bill for one of these – family differences. I don’t know if it really counts though, since I pretty much disowned my family years ago and have no desire to be associated with them anymore. Still talk to them and meet them and stuff but I’ve had enough arguments with my parents to last me a lifetime and I don’t think my relationship with them is ever going to be too cordial.
I don’t mind beer either, although I drink fairly infrequently (maybe a couple of times a week).
Other than that, I’m glad to note that I have a largely non-abusive personality. Sounds good.
I’m just about heading home right now, so I’m going to read your other stuff once I reach and finish fixing dinner.
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Desi Girl,
There’s nothing to forgive.
I haven’t allowed them to do anything to me that I did not want. Yes, I had to fight for it a bit, but that’s a part of life – everyone has to fight for happiness. I’m not bitter about it. If anything, I’m thankful that I managed to take calm, rational decisions in the face of a huge amount of drama. And I don’t really blame them for the drama.
Mostly, I just feel empathy for them, but in a cold, detached sort of way. They were raised to be what they are. It’s not really their fault.
I don’t generally become overly angry, but I have to admit that their continual interference still irritates me at times.
No need to be apologetic at all! Some points do need to be hammered into the heads of people like me.
Helps me be a better boss, better husband and a better person. 🙂
DG has learned one thing. People are doing their best with their given knowledge, resources and circumstances can’t expect more. It is exactly like, a pint can not contain a quart.
Isn’t it a blessing you know their game and you won’t play it. DG knows so many people who are playing this game of tit for tat and passive aggressiveness for all their lives with no end in sight. How is one (child adult or young either) suppose to win it when they are playing against the inventor of the game (parent). The parent never teaches all the tricks and changes the rules according to their need; walking out with sanity is the only way out. 🙂
Just add kindness and compassion to your empathy, they really need it because their ignorance is their bliss. 🙂
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Just wanted to point out that you are not gender sensitive while dealing with such an issue. You have unabashedly used ‘He’ to mean that it is the guy only who can be the abuser in a relation. While I will agree to you in most cases but it is not true in absolute sense. If you think the way a guy abuses is different from a girl then please mention both cases separately. Otherwise use gender sensitive terminology.
Thanks
@Asim,
Yes, abusers come in all genders, shapes and sizes. Here the pronoun HE is used keeping in mind this is a “Desi Girl’s Guide to Relationship Survival” and more women are abused by men than the other way round. Women to women abuse is addressed in numerous posts on this blog. So using gender neutral terminology in this page is a moot point. 🙂
DG is also aware more men read and subscribe to GGTS. 🙂
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Yeah thats true.. I think it will be obvious to say I agree that more women are being abused. And as you may be already doing, its important to involve men in such discussions bcos at the end of the day the abusers are men. I have seen many women organizations who just concentrate on so called ’empowering’ women but they don’t involve men in the dialogue. I think that is a self defeating strategy bcos unless you sensitize everyone about these issues especially men, nothing major will come out of it.
Of course the cause of problem is the spineless squids with uncut umbilical chords (women’s male partners) who are unwilling to give up male privilege and have no concept of personal boundaries in relationships.
You would have noticed on this page itself few courageous men have confessed they are concerned about their relationships and their personal behavior. To demonize men won’t work because they are the other half it is good to involve them but it is even better to know where you as a woman stand and what you should and should not tolerate.
Please check this post
Peace,
Desi Girl
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OMG! I have done many of these things and points 10-16 hit home,I even broke her eye(trapdoor orbital)over an argument a few months back but despite all this, she married me.
Both our parents did a number on us I guess ( both our fathers were abusive towards our mothers, and our moms took it for the kids, society etc etc). An observation that I made is that both our dads had mediocre jobs compared to their other siblings. And all of our aunts and uncles never abused/got abused. How do we know? we could tell judging by their social interactions, the joy on their kids’ faces etc etc. We roughly came to the conclusion , especially her that it was because our fathers especially hers was unsuccessful in their jobs/earning.
BTW we started seeing each other about 10 years ago(known each other 12) , got engaged 3 years ago and got married recently. We were together the first 5 years and had our ups and downs. Then it was long distance more or less and now we are married.
The funny part is we din’t have sex till marriage, mostly cos she did’nt want to.It was certainly not due to lack of effort on my part. I started to make point 17, after like 2-3 years of being together. In fact,the longest we lived together was for a month, last year. Apart from that we just spent a few weekends and the odd trip or two together. The first time we spent a night together(no sex) was after 7 plus years of seeing each other and only after being in a long distance for a while.
Few things about our relationship
0.)I am from a big city she was from a small town (which probably explains her loyalty, committment and her strong faith in her first relationship )
1.)We were in college and dependant on our folks when we met in the big city ,where she stayed with her aunt.
2.)After college, she found a job and has been living independantly since then (parents were in a small town and it was no longer appropriate to live with her aunt)
whereas I had a hard time finding a good job, stayed with my folks a couple of years doing odd jobs and finally went for higher studies and hence staying away from family for the first time.
3.)We were in a long distance when I left town to pursue further studies and again I had a hard time during and after my studies finding a job, living away from everyone I knew including parents and GF.
4.)she left her job and decided to pursue higher studies so she could be nearer to me. This is when we finally got to live together.
5.)All the while, she was financially independant and helped me with money too. As a matter of fact even today she makes more than I do and works for a better firm.
One more thing I would like to add here is that she has displayed a few of the above symptoms ,though far less than me (2-6 early on obviously and 9-16 , 5-7 years into our relationship ) and her favorite is 8, especially when she wants doors opened and has a hard day at work. She has constantly expressed how I cant take care of the both of us,that she has to work and how I am so much like her dad (who she does not respect, but he has no idea).
Where do you think our relationship is headed ? Are we a ticking time-bomb or are we the cute arguing couple who has been together too long?
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it is very good sight for learning. i wish to learn from your sight
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I stumbled upon this blog and i will highly differ from your opinion….. while most of the above mentioned pointers couldn’t be more correct and apt… But a few of the above make me feel guilty beyond imagination. It isn’t correct. I know for a fact that my girlfriend is happy with who i am and what i say.
I ve told my girlfrind repeatedly that i cant imagine being without her and shes told me its like a dream(WE HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 2 YEARS——OUT OF WHICH A YEAR AND A HALF HAS BEEN LONG DISTNACE).
I do idolize her but doubt it makes her feel afraid of disappointing me, on the contrary she respects me and i believe she loves me.
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@Ankit,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Sorry it took me some time to get back to you as still coming to terms with IHM’s tragedy.
You may differ with what ever you want but the pointers mentioned at GGTS are based on Conflict Tactics Scales 1 & 2. These have been used across the globe more than 70,000 times.
You mentioned your relationship is 2 years old. So when did you actually started telling her you can’t imagine life without her. If it was just after few meetings then you know the answer…
…I do idolize her but doubt it makes her feel afraid of disappointing me…
Why idolize some one and not accpet them as human because it is easier to control and manipulated another person into doing what we want by idolizing them than telling them humanly what you want from them behavior wise.
…she respects me and I believe she loves me.
That is your believe may be not her reality. Why are people so hell bent about what others say about them (log kya kahenge) because they believe they have to maintain certain image and not disappoint them. Like wise in intimate relationships we do not want to disappoint our partners so we keep taking nonsense with a smile and more over we do not know how to word our discomfort when the other person keeps repeating they love us and are doing it for our good (tumhare bhale ke liye kar raha/rahi hoon).
Ask your GF to take this quiz, browse around GGTS and see where you guys are headed. Information never kills but ignorance definitely…
Please share this message of hope with any one who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
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Thanks for the reply….:)
I had already asked her to read this blog……:)
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What happened with Tejaswee is very-disheartening. I didn’t know her personally but my girlfriend was very good friends with her.
May she rest in peace.
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Thanks for the link… I must say, reading it was like seeing clarity amid a dense fog. Being in denial comes naturally, unless awareness protrudes in.
If you do not mind, I would like to help this blog reach out to many more women. Can I pls volunteer to help you with the tech challenge part? I have a Tech background and have helped my friends and family with their blogs and make it get more deserving audience. If I can do something along those lines for your blog too, please let me know. Could not find a contact email to reach you… if you would like to contact me, please email me at iniyaazh@sify.com
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Most of these seem ot be normal when it happens real time… Though it is traumatic, after a point of time we learn to adjust to it and force ourselves to endure it for years. Only when I read through the complete list I was able to understand how most of these beahviours strongly point to an abusive nature!
You are doing a great work through this blog… Some of your posts here made me think for long.. and re-evaluate the happenings around me.
I hope this blog reaches out ot mroe and more women, helping them find their way through / out of abusive relationships.
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Iniyaal,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Thanks for your kind thoughts. Please refer information on Cycle of Abuse https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/cycle-of-violence/ and How abuse Begins https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/how-abuse-begins/ it will help you help people in need.
I wish this information will reach to more people but I do not know how else to do it (I am tech challenged). Please share this information with those who will benefit and share this message of hope.
Thanks,
Desi Girl
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