Dealing with the in-laws


“I find dealing with my in-laws (my husband’s parents and sisters) very difficult, because they have to know about everything that’s happening in our lives. They have never really liked me or my family and have gone out of their way to cause trouble between my husband and myself. Trouble is, I feel that my husband never stands up for me…what should I do? If anyone has faced such things please do let me know what I can do… I’m desperate!!” www.desilot.com

This piece is the motivatation behind the creation of this page because the solutions offered did not sound peaceful. They were coming from a place of anger and bitterness. Here we believe bitterness begets bitterness. To claim happiness and joy one has to sow seeds of peace.

FACTS

  1. This is a clear case of boundary invasion. Your conjugal kin do not have a concept of boundaries and privacy of a married couple. For them participating in your life is may be in their understanding a gesture of love.
  2. It is your spouse’s duty to set boundaries with them but he is afraid of offending them. If he tries to set the boundaries his family is likely to accuse him excluding them from his life and disloyalty.
  3. If your in-laws reject you or dislike you they are likely to be disrespectful towards your family too.
  4. Their dislike has got nothing to do with you; no matter who he was with they would find some fault in that person.
  5. If they are waging verbal and emotional attacks at you ideally it is his responsibility to protect you from the attacks of his family because he has a history with them, he knows their whims, fancies and triggers.  But the fact is he does not know how to stand for you because if he does he’ll not only be accused of disloyalty but a great drama will follow. He is afraid of facing this drama. For him his best option is to let you struggle with it. And also it is easier to blame you than stand up and confront his parents and siblings.
  6. It is easy for him to stay out of it by saying “it is between you women.” There are two kinds of dramas:

          a)      Dramas that happen in his presence, his mother and sisters may complain about you to him. Like you said something  nasty to them in his absence.

b)      Dramas that happen in his absence, his mother and sister will make snide remarks about you in his absence and act lovingly towards you in his presence or they’ll do nothing all day and when he is around they’ll act as if they have been working all day.

 WHAT YOU CAN DO

 

  • Focus your energy on improving your relationship with your spouse. Tell him you want to know what makes his family unhappy with you. Assert you do not want him to do the talking. You would like to speak to them directly in his presence. Never do this in his absence because it creates many opportunities for back biting and manipulations.  

 

  • Never have all his family members for such a conversation at the same place and same time. Deal with each member one at a time. If you have them as a collective they’ll fortify against you and your spouse inspite of his best intentions will not be able to help you, rather will turn against you.            

 

  •  He’ll be reluctant to arrange such a meeting because he is equally afraid of his family and ensuing drama. Be prepared such a meeting can turn into drama and shouting match because you are asking the dominant party to change the terms of the game and give up some of their territorial control.

 

  • Go with a nonjudgmental attitude and open mindedness. Begin with asking if you have offended them in any way. Basically, you’re asking what their problem is, in a gentle way. When you talk to them ask for three reasons they are not comfortable with you. Two reasons will be excuses and the third will be closer to the truth.

 

  •  Open mindedness mentioned in the previous point means do not expect them to change. People do not change unless they want to change. Do not expect one talk session will make them like you. Keep your expectations realistic. If they did not like you in the beginning they’ll not like you now. Aim this session towards small changes like you’ll call them once a week or you will not pick up the phone after 9pm.

 

  • Be polite, but don’t try to win your in-laws by pleasing them or buying them gifts. Do not get sucked into that traditional wisdom “you can win over people by love and service (seva).”

      People do not change because you want them to change. They change because they decide to change. Once you start trying to please their demands will becom unending and abusive. You’ll finish one task according to their fancies they’ll be ready with another. It will never be enough. Set limits for yourself. Such as, you will cook but will not stay up to serve each member when they come home. You will go to your room at Xpm. etc.

  •  Don’t ask your partner to choose between you and his family this will make him more resentful towards you. Rather tell him you deserve respect and you do not want to be somewhere you are not respected. It is your right to protect yourself from emotional attacks. Tell him “When you do not support me/ listen to me I feel as if I do not matter. It hurts my feelings/It makes me angry.” Focus on your feelings. Tell your partner as he respects his parents and family so you do. It hurts your feelings when his family insults your parents/family.

 

  • Are you happy in this relationship? Decide can you live with this kind of resentment for rest of your life? If you are seriously upset or bothered by your-in-laws’ interference and accusations, and if it’s causing conflict in your relationship with your spouse, then you need to decide what you can do about it. Seek professional help.

Suggest your partner to seek couple’s counseling. If he does not want to come with you it is a choice he’ll make. You should go on your own. Before you can regain control over your life you have to heal yourself.

  • Remember that you can’t change anyone but yourself. You have already changed you go around you life hurt and wounded, angry and resentful. Ask your self is this how you want to live rest of your life? If no, then don’t ask or expect your spouse and his parents to think differently.

Once you have expressed your feelings about how you are being treated/mistreated and after you have asked what you did to cause his family to treat you this way, you need to let it go. Let them be who they are.

If they are not ready to accept you for who you are for your own peace accept them for who they are even if they are bitter sad people.

Please do not expect DG to spoon feed you like this comment writer who had no patience to even write a proper comment. DG is no mind reader and will not go on a RESCUE mission. Just remember no one can help you unless you want to help yourself. Just ask yourself why should they help you in the first place? Read around browse GGTS read through the comments you’ll find an answer, all tools are on the side bar on to the right in separate pages. Personalized support to identify problem areas, set realistic goals and learn new skills to resolve them is hereafter nominally charged to keep this space safe and free for all find her email id within the comments and write to her if you fail to find answer on GGTS.

GGTS is DG’s personal blog it is not a forum where other readers pitch in. Each comment is dealt with as sensitively as possible. DG is human. Join DG on FB.

Advertisements

162 Responses to “Dealing with the in-laws”

  1. Monalisa March 27, 2017 at p03 #

    My origin is from Dhaka, Bangladesh whereas my in-laws are from West Bengal.They always want to maintain a healthy and happy public figure among neighbors, so will not not do any physical violence but always will taunt me for my food habits, dressing sense, since,I am an IT professional -why I do have friends? why those frnds come home (though ladies) and to add the cherry on top is my sis-in-law and her family. All my moves are wrong and I am a bad girl. If they could have married their son to someone of their side, could have given them a huge dowry and have supported financially all the times, she would have done all household chores without even saying huh!! I am not good, i don’t know how to speak and all..the list can’t be numbered here.In all these, my husband either keeps quiet or else shouts..both ways it adds to my problem. After coming back from home..I m scared for the new melodrama at home.Can’t survive like this…
    Could anyone please suggest me what is the best option because I cannot ask my husband to leave them and its hard for me to bear this emotional abuse everyday.

    Like

    • girlsguidetosurvival March 28, 2017 at p03 #

      @Monalisa,

      Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
      There are 158 comments on this post if you read them you’ll know you are not alone. This post has comprehensively dealt with how to deal with in-laws and this link will tell you what are your rights in a relationship. https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/your-rights-in-a-relationship/

      How else do you want DG to help you? The fact is no matter who they brought into their family those MIL and SILs would have found some problem.
      All you can do is pick your battles wisely. If DG could do it all over again she would tell them up front, “too sad, too late, too bad- I am here to stay.”

      If it is a love marriage she would tell them they should have trained their son better not to marry some one from another community. Now that he has deal with it. I am here and I am staying choice is yours.” If it is an arranged marriage then it was their choice they don’t have a right to complain.
      Work on your relationship with your spouse. Eat well, exercise regularly, keep busy. Always remember you are an IT professional you either are making more money than them or can make more. No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your consent. If you are being branded bad why do you want to prove them wrong. Try fitting into their definition of bad then their taunts won’t hurt or else be yourself and prove nothing.

      Hope this helps.
      Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
      Peace,

      Desi Girl

      Like

  2. desi&fab March 10, 2017 at p03 #

    hi DG,

    this blog is such a relief ! I can totally relate to the wrath of in laws we women have to go through ! although I have taken decision to take divorce but still want to share my story. I got engaged to this timid spineless man in 2011 – it was an arrange marriage ..we are often told that what really matters is a guy’s sharafat and education and out of hundreds of rishtas I said yes to this one despite the fact I didn’t wanted to …. anyhow he turned out to be a soft nature honest person but the package of in laws was hell terrible.. and I only realized it after my marriage as I was so naïve to understand their cunning tactics during engment period. fast forward the family is of seven 4 boys and one lil spoilt witch SIL . my husband is no.2 and his elder already divorced brother is pain in the ass. out of four so called grown up adult brother my husband is the only one who gave his sweat and blood to the factory when all other brothers sit back and relax and just occasionally take part in some workload (once a month) . for the past three years I have been financially supporting my self and sometines my husband too ! he also supported me at times when I was in need (like 5-10 thousand ) occasionally whereas there monthly expenditure is 8 lacs ! YEAH .. we fought numerous times about his responisbitiles but all in vain. I was expected to manage all of my expenses on my own by all I mean groceries petrol sociallising everything and when retuen home I used to clean my room sweep my bathroom while the luxury of maid was enjoyed by the rest of the family… my husband always told me that they are going under a financial crunch that is why they have fallen from luxurious swimming pool installed big home to a rental house before my marriage,.. and I always believed him and told him I married you because you are honest and educated and we will build it together.. but I forgot to calculate the horror of in laws… my SIL MIL BIL and FIL are total maniacs and they were never able to accept me as part of their family,,, I was ridiculed numeruous time by ways which cannot be descdribed in words .. last year they shifted to a their factory to save rental cost and during shifting told me to pack my bags and move to my parents as factory is miles away from city and I cannot acces my workplace to that..i did as told and didn’t had any choice.. and its been a year I am still living with my parents…even during this crunch time they were able to provide my SIL 80,000 everymonth to cover her educational and social expenses and they went to there native city every two months …. ( I don’t knw where the money comes from) …since my elder BIL got his divorce he has been meddling dangerously in our marriage and I warned my husband that he will force me toa limit where we will end our marriage and after 1 year this time came… through my emotional mental physical financial struggle he never really been there..he was so spineless that on numerous occasions where his father insulted me he just stood there and do nthing and used to tell me everytime ‘meray liay unko maaf kardo mujhay dant do but baat ko yahin khatam kardo” … …..my used to go on vacations for weeks leaving the household on and I was expected to look after the rest of the family after coming tired from work ! you know cook clean and wash after 5 people and then on return used to complain in very illmannered way….

    Like

    • Desi&fab March 20, 2017 at p03 #

      DG I need your response on this plz

      Like

    • girlsguidetosurvival March 20, 2017 at p03 #

      Desi & Fab,

      Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.

      DG hears you. DG can appreciate your hardships. Good you have made your decision. Men find it easy to fight or beg their spouses than stand up to their folks because they will be emasculated by labels of being uxorious and henpecked or joru ka gulam. To be a man in desi culture means to be master of their spouse and not giving into even her legitimate rights/demands. Also, it is easier to fight the new partner than your folks because you know you’ll never win. You have a history of giving up because being labeled selfish and overriding family for a woman is the ultimate sin. DG can keep elaborating it. You can just refer various posts on GGTS and numerous comments here.

      Feel supported and stay steadfast on your decision. It is not going to be easy but it ain’t impossible.
      All the best.
      Please share this message fo hope with anyone who may benefit.
      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Like

  3. Lisa Byler January 29, 2017 at p01 #

    my husband and i have been together for 19 years! i am still so much in love with him! about 9 years ago we moved to the same city as his family i loved my in-laws my mother and father in-law are wonderful but with in the last 4 years my sister in-law has became to much to handle she use to ask me if i would like to babysit just about every weekend then when i said i cant she would ask my husband right in front of me and he not know i said no would say yes then she would say things like my brother will do any thing for me so go ahead and say no my mother in-law did stick up for me on this one!! now she says that my husband loves her more then me and that i am jealous of her witch is not true i just get a little said when my husband complements her and not me i know my husband loves her and its ok! my husband and i have talked about this i tell him that its ok to love her and he has never said anything like he loves her more! last night i posted a picture of my husband and i in black and white lot of people liked the photo and made comments about how nice it was under the same photo in the comments my sister in-law post on of her and my husband in black and white. when i said something to him (my husband) he said that she is just saying doing this stuff because she thinks it funny what should i do i am getting very irritated with her!!

    Like

    • girlsguidetosurvival March 28, 2017 at p03 #

      @Lisa Byler,

      Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
      Married for 19 and 10 were good. Just last four are bothering you. Hmm…
      If you are going to babysit someone’s child then the decision has to be yours not your spouse’s. He should have confirmed with you before he opened his mouth. You are not his hand or foot that you’ll do what he says. The SIL acted like a 5 year old who asked mommy for something and got a No for an answer so went to daddy to get the permission. As in parenting parents have to be on the same page likewise in marriage spouses have to be on the same page.
      If you are feeling your sister-in-law is rubbing you in a wrong way put your foot down now. Though, it is the duty of your spouse to end this stupidity but he has no clue how to do it without facing the music and drama that drama queen will create.

      Going by the age of your marriage DG guesses we are cohorts. If it was happening to DG at this age she would have just said, “Yeah. I know, he loves you more but how sad and how bad he still has to sleep with me.”

      Yes, it sounds pretty scandalous but is the truth. One cannot compare the love for a sibling and a spouse. If anyone does, it is not funny it is out rightly offensive. Or else if she has a sister-in-law you may ask her if her brother loves her more. Create a bigger scandal and tell everyone how stupid this SIL of yours is. Personally DG won’t do that, she’ll pick her battles wisely and put people in their place firmly and adhere to her personal boundaries. We teach people how to treat us. keeping quiet is assumed to be consenting. NO means NO. YES means YES. Work on your relationship with your spouse. Know your rights in any relationship
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/your-rights-in-a-relationship/

      Hope this helps.
      Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Like

  4. Madhuri November 29, 2016 at p11 #

    Where the hell these In laws think they own their son only. Is daughter inlaws can ever be part of their family? Feel stuck in life when your own husband can not do anything about it because he is raised to accept everything parents says or does. Making miserable life for others … where our society is going at?

    Like

  5. Vs October 23, 2016 at p10 #

    Hi i am devastated.. I got married 3 years ago..i do not have a mother in law but my father in law is worse than a mother in law..he is 75 years old and has lived his life..he is stinking rich and very powerful in society.he has a loud voice and keeps shouting at every other worker or his sons for every silly thing.he has 3 daughters and 3 sons including my husband.he is very close to his daughters (married) and as soon as i got married he started taunting me on making a child with every tom dick and harry who would come to the house.he would insult my hubby too about the same.
    He would call my hubby henpeg just becoz my hubby used to protect me..my hubby is a very nice person..he knows that his father exaggerates and shouts unnecessarily but he tolerates him cz he loves him v much and since my hubby is continuing the family business he needs my father in law’s advices.my hubby also tells me to ignore since he is 75 years old. Somehow things were going on but after i gave birth to my child he started acting more weird .. If my child cries he tells the maid to go and get her from me cz i cant manage.. He started treating me like a piece of shit. If the child cries he starts scolding me like as if i dont know to take care of my child.. This was going on everyday.now my child Is 18 months old ..this one incident happened recently. I am the one who keeps feeding her all the time.and as i was feeding her she was a little reluctant to eat and my father in law saw that .. As it is my daughter is a very poor eater .So my father in law saw that and went on shouting at me as to what i need to do with my child.i got irritated and retorted back saying that shes my child and i know wat to do..this statement has hurt him really bad because generally i listen to his taunts and keep quiet.he kept on scolding my hubby saying that ur wife is sick ,check her bp,ul are taking me for granted ,m going to write an autobiography about myself,am going to write how ull are treating me and all.. This is very disturbing .. I dont feel like staying in this house and my hubby is not willing to move out fearing that his father will cut the relationship with him..can anyone tell me how do i deal with this ?

    Like

    • girlsguidetosurvival December 7, 2016 at p12 #

      Vs,
      Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
      MILs have bad reputation than FILs coz’ they spend more time with DILs at home. This is a 75yr old man who has nothing better to do in his retirement. Your spouse is doing you no favor by protecting you from the attacks of his father. It is his job as a husband. Asking you to ignore constant berating is not productive but he too has o way to tell the old man to shut up because that drama queen will create a scene everyone will regret.
      It is very simple- your child your rules. He has done his job. If he pokes his nose in your business hand him the baby and the bowl of food saying- “she loves it when grandpa feeds her.” Why should the maid feed her when you are her grandpa.
      One time you stood up for yourself and he retorted that is okay. If you don’t stand up for yourself why should anyone else?
      Learn to say no. He said, he’ll write a book about his oppression, give him a note book and pens tell him it will make a best seller.
      Learn to say NO. Don’t engage him he thrives on drama and attention. Focus on your primary relationship with your spouse and child.
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/assertiveness-learn-to-say-no/
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/07/03/desi-choices-or-else/

      You are not alone many of us have learned this a hard way.
      Please feel supported here there are many free tools of GGTS to develop your interpersonal skills.

      Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Like

  6. Jeena September 1, 2016 at p09 #

    I am also in a similar situation, though I also fear that my in-laws may physically harm me. My husband is very polite but seems to not know (or pretends as if nothing happened) what I do not like about his family even though they usually insult me in front of him. It has been two years since my marriage after one year of engagement and it has been a great time with my husband but a nightmare with my in-laws since day 1 esp MIL. My to-be mother-in-law used to place demands of dowry (by telling what others do). My mom told them repeatedly that I have been brought up in the best standards and I don’t know how to cook. But seems like my MIL wants me to work like a servant in their house even though we r separate and my parents help us financially too. And when I don’t cook, she gives me examples of everyone who cooks. I am 5’4″ and quite beautiful; but she always says how her daughter doesn’t like heels as she is taller than I am; and how height is the only thing that makes anyone beautiful. She has never ever said that I am beautiful and dislikes me for no reason.
    At every encounter that I have had since our marriage (starting from the end of first month of our marriage), she loves telling my husband, in front of me, how multiple people they know did second/third marriages and keep both their wives together happily and take them on vacations together (like a threesome…ewww). It was a shock to me in the first month after my marriage. I have told my hubby that I dislike it and he has told his mother so too. My hubby starts saying that second marriage is not good during these discussions, but it still happens again and again. Topping this, she didnt like the dowry even though it was the best and even had a car n house.
    My husband wants me to collect my pay, which is twice more than my husband’s pay. My husband secretly gives some of his collected pay to his family too, I believe, though he denies it. I am extremely humble and even when I discuss about things I dislike, with my husband, I do so politely.
    I stopped going to their home over last few months since I was busy, but my hubby continued going to their home every second or third weekend, and even on festivals, without me. They continued coming to our place and my mother’s (we live colse-by) every week to every month at the most (since before engagement to date). They call my hubby daily, and he loves them as anyone would love their parents and family. They get upset when we go on vacations or even to any restaurant, and demand to go with us everywhere.
    He always said they are really nice and wish to meet you.On his insistence, I went to their house and it was a disaster. My FIL (I didn’t expect it from him), took really bad abusive words in front of me apparently abusing the dry-cleaner (seemed like he was abusing me since neither was he talking on phone, nor was anyone else there at that time). He, my BIL, my SIL, my MIL, all were quite critical all the time.
    My SIL is in 11th and everyone treats her like a queen and me like an unwanted. She throws tantrums always. This time, she told (only) me that in a CID episode, a person kills his aunt coz he asks her for money and she doesnt give it to him (and full-stop).
    My MIL has a history of giving her MIL salt pills in her yogurt even though she was a heart patient. And she tells everyone she put in low-calorie sweetener in my milk, but there was sugar at the bottom of it.
    I am not sure if I am over-reacting, but I feel like I am being mentally tortured at my in-laws place and as if they are trying to curb my ego and instill fear in am. My sixth sense tells me that they can physically harm me and even to such an extent as to possibly kill me. I am not going to go to their place from now on. My husband doesn’t seem like a person who will stop going there and wishes me to go there too. I feel like they are his first priority and me his second, even though he loves me. He does counter their arguments at times. It seems like he wants to live with me and them together peacefully but I don’t see it happening. It feels like they want me to live in a joint family in their village, where they live. I will have a handsome pay in a couple of years and I feel like they are after it and this is the reason of everything, and if they don’t get me to be their slave by then, they will get rid of me in one way or the other.

    Like

  7. Rani July 11, 2015 at p07 #

    I got married 14 months ago in very difficult situation my husband do this cause of his parents pressure.he was in love with someone else.as well he is not independent.i found my in law’s dominating after marriage.always trying laugh on my parents financial conditions. My husband still behaves like child. My mil still feed him.he don’t want any responsibility of home. My mil blames me for that i don’t know how cause whenever i argue with him on that she takes his side. He don’t have feelings for me. N once said he’ll never love me no matter whatever i do for him. Now i am pregnant. My mil wants me to do everything like cleaning cooking. My parents are in fear of my divorce. They do understand my problem but cannot support me cause i have younger brother n sister at home.there education isn’t completed yet.my fil do lots of drinks n do abuse at home sometimes to me on my mil saying sometimes to my mil too.they don’t have good relations socially or with their relatives too.my mil had fights with every single relative. Even with her brother and his wife. She made my mom cry so many times. My parents want me to live with them. I don’t know what to do? Please guide

    @Rani,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    DG feels for you. If you have read other comments on this post then you know that you are not alone, many women are in the same situation as you. Though the answer to your questions is given many times in the comments and also you have answered all your questions, you are just seeking validation from DG.

    You said, “… He don’t have feelings for me. N once said he’ll never love me no matter whatever i do for him…”

    1. Listen to what people say their words don’t lie. It only happens in desi movies you can wind someone over with your sacrifices or cooking etc. In real life, if someone has decided not to be happy or approving of you they will not do so unless they want to do so no matter what you do for them. So if DG were you she’ll stop trying to please anyone but herself. God created us to be happy and it is our duty to be happy no one can make us happy.
    2. He say he has no feelings for you and cannot love you but he can make you pregnant.

    3. Your younger siblings are still in school or college. You are responsible for your life and the life you are bringing into this world their destinies don’t depend on your marriage. They have their karma/actions paving their path. It is a desi fallacy that you can influence another person’s life chances. Read this https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/11/28/desi-marriage-for-all-the-wrong-reason/

    Your parents are no friends of yours you are on your OWN lady. They can only provide you lip service like DG and other people that they feel for you and understand your situation but will not take any strong step for you. Buckle up and get strong.

    4. Your in-law family is that of an alcoholic, they are all codependents. They enable each other and continue with their dysfunction. You are the lowest on the pecking order so everyone is going to peck you. FIL can’t deal with his problems so he drinks, MIL can’t deal with her alcoholic husband so she’ll pamper her indolent son and that son can not stand on his two feet so he’ll get you pregnant and abuse you.

    5. Your mother crying and your MIL making fun of your parents’ financial condition; OOPSY MIL too late you brought 100+ baratis and we fed them all, so you knew who we were and what we have. You did not run away with their son or abduct their son to get married. If they were so unhappy with your parents’ situation then they should have not gone ahead with the marriage. किसी ने नाक में अंगूठा नहीं दिया था और ना ही किसी ने पैर पकड़े थे की हमारी लड़की कुँवारी रह जाएगी. अपनी मर्ज़ी से बारात लेके आए थे. So tell your mother to stop crying and put the foot down.

    6. Now here is the deal, answer these questions:
    Why did you get married? https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/ask-before-marrying/
    Why did you get pregnant? Were you thinking it will fix your marriage?
    What is your parenting plan?
    Are you getting enough food to eat and time to rest?
    Who is taking you for antenatal appointments?
    Who is going to pay for your delivery? Where will it take place?
    What will be the role of father of the baby?

    Resting is as important as good nutrition along with good mental health. Do you have access to all three?
    Tell your doctor, the stress you are facing at home exactly how it is happening- he is abusing me; MIL is saying XYZ, FIL is hitting MIL or me… It needs to be documented.

    Soon you are going to be a mommy so start taking responsibility for your actions.

    In one comment DG cannot help you resolve everything. Please get back to DG after you have answered the above questions.

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  8. candise July 5, 2015 at p07 #

    Hi good day I would just like to know what I can do my husband and I have been together for 9 years and through out our dating years his mother was very difficult and we could not do anything and I got treated really crap and now we are married 8 months and she still talks behind my back and his youngers brother girlfriend gets treated way better than what I and and still does she sleeps over and they sleep in the same bed and they not even married any advice as to what I can do cause I feel really hurt and I want nothing to do wit them

    @Candise,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Though DG has explicitly answered your question numerous times here in the post and in the comments but you still want her take on your situation so here you go…

    Universe gave you 9 years to learn your lesson but you failed to heed so now have to learn it hard way. You are not alone, DG learned it hard way too, so now she sits and writes GGTS. Many will not learn after us and they too will learn it hard way.
    You don’t just marry the man, his loved ones come as freebies. It is a package deal.
    In this post DG has suggested what to do when in-laws have grievances against you. Did you already try that?

    MIL, talks behind your back so why does that bother you? Are you trying to portray certain image in the neighborhood? In whose good books you are trying to be? Do those people matter? If yes, then why do they matter?
    People who matter know who you are. And those who don’t know you don’t matter it is as simple. One can waste all their life keeping up certain image to please everyone but themselves and it still won’t be enough. Pick and choose your battles.

    That God forsaken now ex, told DG his female colleague said, DG looks shrewd, she speaks very calculatedly. (DG is pretty laconic and terse when she wants to be.) DG, told him, “oh that is her opinion, she has a right to that. Why should I care she is not my friend?” His idea was DG should go and pick a fight with the woman so that he can find an excuse to further abuse her.

    You are feeling relatively deprived when you see the other young couple enjoying MIL’s approval. The old woman is playing age old trick pitting you against them wanting you to react, do or say something stupid so that she can prove it people you are what she said behind your back.

    You answered your question, “…I want nothing to do wit them.”
    Then don’t as simple. Be courteous and keep up your head. Yes, you are newly married and want to be involved in the family you want to be a part but sometimes that is just not possible. Count it as a blessing that you can just say I am the bad person as you said, so why do you want me around. It hurts but it is your choice to feel hurt or not coz’ she is not going to change if she didn’t in 9yrs.

    Work on your relationship with your spouse. In 9yrs he is pretty burned out too soon he’ll have an excuse- “why is that my mom has trouble with you not my brother’s GF that means problem is with you. A desi Mommy dear can never be wrong least a divine intervention occurs and son’s 3rd eye is struck open and he can see things for what they are.

    Develop good friendships, work on your personality, career and important relationships. Elevate yourself so that people know who you are not what they hear from MIL.

    Hope this helps. Feel free to leave a comment if you have any further questions.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  9. candise July 5, 2015 at p07 #

    Hi good day I would just like to know what I can do my husband and I have been together for 9 years and through out our dating years his mother was very difficult and we could not do anything and I got treated really crap and now we are married 8 months and she still talks behind my back and his youngers brother girlfriend gets treated way better than what I and and still does she sleeps over and they sleep in the same bed and they even married any advice as to what I can do cause I feel really hurt and I want nothing to do wit them

    @candise,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    For 9 years universe kept telling you to see what it was. Our present is the mirror of our future but our egos keep us keep us stuck in muck.
    How does it matter to you what she says behind your back? If she had an iota of courage she’ll say it on your face. And if she ever said, it to you on your face, just tell her to go and take a hike coz’ what she says about you ain’t your business.
    Now about his brother and his girl friend, so you are mad about the fact that for 9 years you did not get to have sex out of fear of this woman but the younger couple has and that too with her blessing without marriage. You are feeling relative deprivation.

    You answered your own question, “I feel really hurt and I want nothing to do wit them.”

    Then don’t. Do you need DG’s permission or her validation.
    Hey! you are your own person you can do this, not indulge in their manipulation. Every time you feel hurt she wins.Just ask yourself, how is it my business? Read the links below.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/your-rights-in-a-relationship/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/10/31/desi-dating-read-between-the-lines/

    Like

  10. anu June 28, 2015 at p06 #

    I am also one of the disappointed ladies who have been hurt n suppressed by in laws…my husband is only his mumma’s boy n has no corcern for my dignity….its happening since 4 years…from the time of my marriage…Lots of fights took place…but my husband neither allowed me to speak a word nor he suppored me even a single time…for him,his mother is evrything to him…n i stand nowhere…i hv to take care of every single thing including him,his mother n our daughter….n household work n all d market issues too…i was asked to sacrifice my teaching career bcoz acc to them it is of no use…n i did the same…whenever i tried to start the job, nobody co operated…n i lelf the jobs…..currently i m starting again…but again the same issues…i ruined 4 years n now i wanna do something for me…i leave my baby with some other lady during my work hours bcoz no one cares…initially starting with 2 hours bcoz baby is unable to stay for long hours….these people have worse lifestyle n r sick by mind…. how much a lady can adjust n tolerate….n for those who dont deserve..

    @anu,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Be glad that it took you only 4 years to realize this not a life time. Yes, abusers isolate you and then break you. Asking you to leave your job was step one coz’ if you had job you’d have your own money and your own support circle. Every time you to get going with a job they’ll sabotage it to break your confidence.
    You are doing a right thing by finding childcare for your child coz’ these meanies will brag they were taking care of your child while you went to work.
    About your spineless squid with uncut umbilical chord, he was raised so with a purpose. Read the links below.
    Conserve your energy. Pick and chose what is important and urgent that needs your time and energy.
    Don’t indulge in petty fights they are energy drains.
    Have some straight talk with your spouse, he folks are his problem not yours. https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/ask-before-marrying/

    Please share this post with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/desi-parenting-raising-devoted-sons/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/11/28/desi-in-laws-wedging-a-psychological-warfare-against-bahus/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/12/07/desi-mothers-in-law/

    Like

  11. Ayo May 21, 2015 at p05 #

    What can i do to solve the in-laws problems that it is affecting my relationship

    @Ayo,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    To solve the in-law problems that is affecting your relationship you can read this post carefully along with the comments on this post.
    Please share this message hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  12. indian DIL March 7, 2015 at p03 #

    hi, reading al d comments i knw dat im nt alone here dealing with my in laws. for me evry thing startd so pleasant &well and i felt dat i ws d luckiest to have so gd in laws. i belonged to a lower middle class family, my father died when v were small and mother working in a school office. it ws indeed surprising 4 me when my inlaws chose me for their son as theirs is an upper middle class wel to do family with a big house. and actually i respected my FIL a lot and somewat liked myMIL even though she used to taunt me and my family with al those typical saas comments,like ours is nt a gd family and v have nt given much things for marriage and that other DIL,s of her frnds and relatives have got so much frm their home etc.,but my FIL never said anything , neither to me nor to my MIL. BUT a recent incident opened my eyes and gave me a shock of my life. it happened that i wanted to go 4 my uncles sons marriage so that i cud meet all my relatives(mamas ,masis)who love me and i love them a lot. since i stay far away frm my maternal home this ws a good chance to meet evryone together. Very innocently and politely i asked permission frm my FIL (as i always did for evry step in my life after marriage) to go for the marriage. AND there he was, as if i had asked something impossible, he started scolding me that hw i can go for my brothers marriage when i had to attend a relatives marriage from in in laws side after two months. he told that my mama and his son were no VIP’s that i should go there. I ws so disheartened for some days, like it ws unbelievable for me. But still i listened to my heart and went for the marriage. Enjoyed and came back, and again i got a shock. my mother called me and told that my FIL had called her and insulted by telling al sorts of things that my mother is interfering in his family matters and that she was the one who made me go for the marriage and that she should stay away from their family. my mother got sick(she is a kidney disease patient due to hypertension) and her BP increased. the very same day he cald my mama and told him al sorts of rubbish things too. Hearing this i ws very angry so i called my FIL and asked him y he did so. and he ws like what he did as if he dosent knw anything. i told him that whatever i did was my own decision and nobody forced me to do so. and that hereafter he shud nt call my mother for these stupid reasons.
    Nw after two much during my daughters summer vacation we r going to my in laws home first and then to my mothers home(which is 5 hrs from my in laws home). i am planning to spend 18 days at my in laws place and 16 days at my mothers. the problem nw is that again my FIL is making some plans for a trip so that we dont go to my mothers place. any how i can some what handle that some how BUT the other problem is that when i go to my mothers place she is planning to go to a trip too with my brother , sister in law and taking me and my daughter too(which we r very happy to go). so nw if my FIL comes to knw this im scared he will again make a big fuss that my mother dint call him and take permission from him( which he wil never give) to take take me and his granddaughter for the trip. if i tell my mother to call him , she will surely do so for my sake, but i know that my FIL will insult her, which i never want(that is the punishment for being a mother of a daughter in india).
    AND im here again , dnt knw wat to do, and hw to handle this situation……………………

    @indian DIL,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    DG read your comment few months ago and she could feel your angst and how anxiously you were waiting for her response coz’ she was you. She could not get herself to respond coz’ she wanted you to come to a realization no one can suggest you any thing but you. DG hopes your resolved this and came out stronger. Here are her two cents.

    1. An upper middle class family picking a lower middle class woman as bride for their son, it is not benevolence but buying her indebtedness so that they can dominate her for rest of her life- we had better offers.

    2. then complaining her widow mother did not give XYZ- does it sound benevolence- it was a calculated move to oppress.
    How to respond for once and all- no one forced you to marry a widow’s daughter, you knew what she could spend and give in the wedding. Sorry you made a choice live with it, “I did not elope with your son, you came with 100+ grooms men to get me.”

    3. Women say it so they come in notice and in direct confrontation where as manipulative men do it through the women. Your FIL is a sociopath, controlling and manipulative who cares for none. He has no business calling your mother or your uncle about what they do in their home and when you are with them. Tell your mother not to take his calls. Each one of us have rights in any relationships and those are https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/your-rights-in-a-relationship/

    4. You did a right thing in confronting him. He acting unaware is the oldest trick in the books of abusers.

    5. DG sees you walking on egg shells all by yourself where is your spouse whose parents are these. It is his job to deal with his parents coz’ he has a history with them why has he left you alone in the den of hungry lions to fend for yourself? What is his role in this marriage and his family?

    6. People who do not know how to treat another adult as an adult do not deserve my company is DG’s rule since she walked out of that cesspool called marriage.

    7. Focus on your relationship with your spouse and children.

    Following posts may help widen your understanding.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/ask-before-marrying/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/11/28/desi-in-laws-wedging-a-psychological-warfare-against-bahus/

    Like

  13. J.Mukesh March 3, 2015 at p03 #

    Dear Ruchika,
    First of all, my heart goes out to you, you are in a very exposed situation where your husband fails to acknowledge your marital cohesion. Basically he is married to his parents and not to you, daughter in laws are regarded as Devi’s in public but treated as second class, no third class slaves behind closed doors. Question is why does a mother, sister……. allow such ill treatment of another woman, especially when that woman leaves her paternal family to join in matrimony and eventually bear children to a man that cannot be himself uphold his own responsibilities? Your fight is with yourself, you seem intelligent enough to understand education brings independence, people that live in the gutter, want to drag the clean hearted into the gutter with them. Don’t waste your life with such people, your husband is not the husband you thought he was, inform your parents and if you cannot get help there, then get external help from government aides. If you have children, I pray you don’t then the stakes are even higher. You are young and bright and your future is in your hands, please do not waste your life with people who come from the gutter. I am a man of 50 years, who has seen many problems in my own life and I have wasted my life thinking about everybody else in my paternal family when I should have been thinking about my wife and children. Unfortunately for me I am single now, bitter and angry with myself,,, but you have a future EVEN if it means by yourself. Lots of respect to you sister.

    @J.Mukesh,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Thank you for supporting Ruchika.
    You asked: why does a mother, sister……. allow such ill treatment of another woman, especially when that woman leaves her paternal family to join in matrimony and eventually bear children to a man that cannot be himself uphold his own responsibilities?
    Answer is here:

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/08/02/633/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/12/07/desi-mothers-in-law/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/desi-parenting-raising-devoted-sons/

    DG really appreciates your honesty in sharing your personal struggle to make a point. DG is just curious if you would like to write a post here on GGTS about about your life experience of conflict between marital life and filial piety for others to read and learn.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  14. Durga March 2, 2015 at p03 #

    Hi DG,

    I have gone through most of your posts and have found them quite helpful and cheering. But in the light of the problems I am facing with my in laws and a few abusive emails that have been sent to me by my sister in law, it is becoming quite difficult for me to even sleep well at night thus affecting my overall well being. I would like your help and guidance on my course of action to these emails and otherwise and hence would like to seek your personalized paid services. Please let me know regarding the same.

    Regards
    Durga

    @Durga,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    If those emails are false accusations then they don’t matter because they are untrue you know.
    If those emails are true then they don’t matter because you know that is who you are.
    Where is he need to lose sleep and your over all welbeing?

    If you are not satisfied with this answer then how about finding an answer to what is that you want to do about these emails?” Confront the writer? Why? and how do you plan to do that? What result are you expecting from this exercise?

    If even that does not address your problem then please write DG a personal email on her gmail id. You know where to find her email address. Then she can give you her personal opinion and support.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  15. RUCHIKA January 29, 2015 at p01 #

    HI, i am married for 1 and half year..my marriage was quite dramatic as it was inter caste love marriage….am a CA finalist student…. my mother-in-law and father-in-law are creating unnecessary troubles in my life…..and problem is my husband also does not stand by me…..my in laws never torcher me directly but do everything indirectly and they become normal as if nothing has happened but i can’t take this and when i say my husband everything, he becomes violent and fights with me only and says they did nothing…..my relationship with my husband became very horrible few days before…..but am finding as if things are coming in track with my husband but he does not wants to listen anything about them and in laws are always in the same frame of mind…his mother wants myself to be busy with my household work and not study which follows indirectly by disturbing me continuously but not done infront of my hubby…. plsssss plssss suggest me something….talking to them already fruited me the worst results….my hubby business needs atleast 3 more years to set up well….wat should i do?

    @Ruchika,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Sorry to hear about your hardships. If it is any consolation, please know you are not the first and you won’t be the last; this is one reason GGTS was started.
    If you have read the post carefully, you know how to approach the in-laws. if it hasn’t worked then please for your sanity and exams see if you can go to your parents’ home and study. DG will suggest you pick and chose your battles according to your priorities. Your health and road to financial independence comes from clearing these exams so focus on that. If your parents ask tell them I want to focus on my exams I’ll answer your queries once I am done.

    Your spouse is FOGed by his parents. Read this carefully. https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/emotional-blackmail/ Browse GGTS there are many posts and pages of resources on the right margin. Read, posts, pages and comments carefully you’ll find your answers.

    Feel supported.
    Peace,
    DG

    Like

  16. anonymous December 19, 2014 at p12 #

    Wow!! Glad I came accross this. Sorry but gives a sadistic pleasure to know that I am not the only one…..

    My MIL is a sweet sword. A greedy witch pretending and always claiming to be an angel and THE BEST. I am a strong woman and take no shit from any one; including my MIL or husband. My parents are always with me and they always told me, never disrespect your inlaws but never suffer if they are wrong… i am strong because they are my pillars…

    When I got married, I was just a sweet not so complicated simple girl. That time I used to agree to all of my husband’s wishes without giving it a second though. Be it transferring my entire income to him, or dealing with the shittiest behaviour of his mother. I have transformed to a clever bitchy DIL over past three years. And I transformed majorly after ‘THAT INCIDENCE’. That incidence when I tried commiting suicide just 15 days after my wedding. I felt that I am in a family of maniacs and there is no hope left in life now. But death was not in my fate. Only after this incidence I realized that my husband may not be a gentleman, but loves me dearly. And only thereafter I realized that what a freaking fool I was having tried ending my life for a self centered witch. I do not hate my MIL most of the times but at times its hard to stand her presence. I have developed a natural repulsion for her.

    Now the ultimate issue is, my husband is trying hard to unite us (obviously!) and I dislike her self centered attitude so much that I can may be imagine a life without my husband, but can’t imagine a life with MIL.

    @Annonymous,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Please feel supported. Very sad to know a new bride of 15 days was so desperate to end the distress. Glad you survived. You need not do anything you do not want to do or that would cost your sanity and cause you emotional distress.
    If it happens you may meet MIL in a public place where you do not have to walk her back to her place or yours but anything more will be pushing too much too soon.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  17. Simran September 3, 2014 at p09 #

    Hi desi girl….i have strange mil and inlaws family. I have arrange marriage and my husband is total American and very nice person. I came abroad and lived in my in laws house for 6 months…they went crazy with me. After 6 month they went back India and complained to my parents in very bad way that they are failure as parents and didn’t teach me this or that. They said they regret to have me in their life and so many bad things.They said all that in front of everyone in my huge joint parents family( my brothers their wife’s). My family told them that’s not the way and tell them to go. I felt so bad as I was proud of my family and in one day they break it all. I lost my confidence badly and was crying all the time( depressed). We move out even when they were in India…I felt they are going to do something with me. I asked my husband he was fine with that as he already have some issues with them. Time passed and we had relationship like on talking terms. They were in good terms with their son. My husband don’t care about his family that much but I feel guilt and tell him to call and go there. I don’t want to be dil who took their son away. I tried to be nice and help to recover , thinking I was new to this country and family at that time so may be didn’t understand them at first so that’s why they said all that. I even appolgize to my mil thinking life is too short for stupid things. I now have kids and I tried to tell my husband all the time to connect with his family.now after so many years my mother visited me so I felt my mil should meet her and resolve issues and end up any problems as with kids it’s not good. I got shocked that she still said that you didn’t teach her anything and my mother failed and so may other things in front of me this time. I feel i should not even talk to her and my husband is fine with that but I live in this stupid indian society where people judge you if you are good dil or not. What I should do as I don’t want her to teach my kids this about me. I feel so insulted and is feeling so low confidence. I feel I can’t make any decision as I m good for nothing as she told…what I should do

    @Simran,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    You are in a desi DIL heaven, your husband does not care if you don’t speak to his family and his mother in particular. What is your problem? Are you a drama junkie? Is that stupid Indian society you mentioned paying your bills or rents that you wrry about what they think and say about you? Are they more important than your sanity and welbeing that you’ll like to walk into a snake pit?
    Woman, wake up and smell the roses. People do not change because you want them to change or lots have time has past by. People change because they want to change as their current behavior/actions have unpleasant consequences for them and is not serving them anymore.

    Your children will learn what you’ll teach them. Just don’t say anything nasty about their paternal grandmother. Keep a respectful silence about her.

    Below are few links read them carefully and read the comments too.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2011/05/13/desi-sons-victims-of-their-mothers/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2011/05/14/desi-sonsvictims-of-their-mothers-ii-modus-operandi/

    Like

  18. anon September 2, 2014 at p09 #

    Me and my husband have known each other since college days and we got married 6 months back. We have not been able to spend any happy time together since marriage because we live with my husbands parents. Our honeymoon was the only time where i remember me and my husband being happy. On the very first day after our marriage my MIL complained about how the arrangements made for the marriage was not good enough. All the arrangements for the marriage was made by my parents and they spend lacs of rupees to get it done. I ignored this as it was the very first day after the marriage. But her rude behaviour did not end there as time passed she started commenting about how i do not know to wear a saree well, unreasonable comparisons between me and her sister’s daughter on how good she is at everything. I still chose to ignore these things and did not speak out though i was very hurt inside. Later my in laws started creating issues whenever i visited my parents home. They did not like me visiting my parents so often and told my husband that i should ask for their permission to visit my parents. Later they started forcing their traditions upon me to which i protested and now they are forcing me to do some pooja’s which i do not want to do. I told them not to force me in religious matters as my beliefs are different from what they have and i would like to follow what i believe in rather than what they believe in. My in laws are creating a big issue out of this now and the relationship between me and my husband is taking a toll. My husband who was initially supportive of me has now started supporting his parents and wants me to change myself and follow whatever my in laws say. My in laws have also started saying that i do not do enough of household chores. I am a working women and i earn a good salary and i have career aspirations of my own. I am trying to manage my work and home and i try to do as much as possible at home to balance everything. I have suggested hiring a cook to my husband but my in laws are not very keen on that. When i am at my in laws place i feel very depressed and i do not feel like it is my home. I do not know the how to deal with this.

    @anon,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    If you had brosed GGTS and read few posts and comments you would have found your answers. Please know you are not alone, each one of us here has been through same drama. Some marriages died and some are struggling to survive. You have to maka a choice how you want to live your life and how long you are willing to take this nonsense.
    Read these post carefully along with the comments. Also, take time to browse GGTS and read. If you still don’t find an answer write back and we’ll figure out something.
    Peace,
    DG

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/11/28/desi-in-laws-wedging-a-psychological-warfare-against-bahus/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/07/03/desi-choices-or-else/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/assertiveness-learn-to-say-no/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/ask-before-marrying/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/emotional-blackmail/

    Like

  19. Simi July 28, 2014 at p07 #

    Hello all, I posted on here a while back but cannot find my post.
    I thought I would update everyone on my sitiation. Background: had an ‘introduction marriage’ via family and realised in the first year of marriage I had married a compulsive liar. He would lie about silly things e.g. telling me he doesn’t drink or didn’t have any girlfriends etc but it was lies. He lied about his education, his lifestyle, his financial situation too. I forgave him as I divorce was never an option. I then caught him messaging women on Facebook (of a sexual nature). I threatened to leave but was brainwashed by his family to forgive him and I believed he didn’t physically cheat on me (how stupid was I!). So we decided to have a fresh start and the year after have a baby (we had been married 6 years by this stage). I thought he would change but then when I was pregnant he had an affair (these men never change). Him and his family denied it but the woman herself text me to tell me – and as he would hide his phone and bank statements (and complain if I rang him at work) I knew something was wrong. So he made out the ‘hotel booking’ were work – and the woman he was seen with was a ‘colleague’ but it didn’t explain his horrible attitude towards me and the lack of physcial and emotional connection. We had a big family meeting (as you do with indian people) and even though his family were in complete denial my family all knew he had been up to no good. (His father, brother, mother and gran are compulsive liars too). I STILL gave him a chance as by this time our child was born. He couldn’t care less though – he would argue over any small thing and by this time his family were also bullying me and blaming ME for his behaviour. His parents also said I shouldn’t question where he goes or spends his money! What a joke as I financially supported him and helped him pay his debts off (which I now think he spent on hotels and having affairs). So after an argument one day (him and his parents all laid into me over a trivial matter) – he decided to leave and to be honest I had told him I don’t want him if he doesn’t stop cheating. Fast forward 2 years – his family spread malicious lies about me, his extended family all stopped talking to me (even though some of them text me to agree that he is an idiot). We are divorced now and it’s been very hard BUT I can now see that I at least can raise my child with good morals and plan my future to be secure (he would have carried on cheating for the whole of our mariage). I have raised our child practically alone whilst he is still having an affair with a woman off the council estste (I had him followed). I feel like I have lost at times as I am lonely but the people I have lost were not my true ‘family’ in the first place. I am at peace with myself and will now live a true life and not a marriage of lies!

    @Simi,
    Welcome back to GGTS, a safe space.
    Glad to here that you are out of that dysfunctional mess and now are on the road to reclaiming your life and raise your son as a good person.
    If you had posted with same name and email id then guess it is possible to find your previous comment with search tool on the top.
    What happened was a bad dream, it is behind you, it is past. How you did it will be a great inspiring story to share here on GGTS, if you wish so. Please let DG know your intent.
    Wishing you all the best and all the happiness.
    Peace,
    DG

    Like

  20. PT April 23, 2014 at p04 #

    Dear DG,
    I am a bit confused whether I am being paranoid or I should actually opposed the treatment of my in-laws. My In-laws and Hubby on a whole are very nice. However there are some down sides.
    We are a joint family consisting parents-in-laws, hubby’s grandmother and us.
    They are little orthodox and insist on doing every household work on their own, as a result of which even I am expected to contribute after a hard day in office. Hubby’s granny is super dominating and she dominates my MIL more than me. My family does not do anything without asking her and expect me to do the same as well.
    We have a separate bedroom but we still lack privacy. In the sense that they never leave the two of us alone at home. We both mostly diet and have limited food choices, but at other times we have to eat as per their choice.. because they plan everything before i do.
    My MIL insist on involving me in all work so that i get trained. My hubby agrees to her.However my MIL & granny do not involve me in certain household decision like buying stuff, giving gifts to people. But on the other hand my Hubby involves me in everything that he does.
    Also most of our weekends are spent running errands for them or taking them somewhere or baby sitting my SIL’s child. My FIL mostly plans our weekend with all this work beforehand and my Hubby is not able to refuse. Also my FIL expects the women in the house to keep cooking elaborate food to which everybody mutters but nobody objects on his face. They also don’t like hiring cooks when we have guests. The problem is my hubby does to say a word to his parents. Whenever I talk to him, he gets defensive and blames me saying i am lazy and don’t like to do any work. But I feel that I also put in equal amount of time in office as he does and earn equally well. Then why should i be doing household work on weekends while he can relax around?
    My hubby buys me nice clothes but will not fight with his granny to allow me to wear shorts or frocks.He just cant say a word to them. Its not that he has ever tried and got a bad reaction. He is simply oblivious to things and expects me to mould to any situation.

    How to explain everybody about our lack of privacy? I tried to keep the bedroom doors open in order to pass a message that in case we dont get personal space, then there is not need for night time privacy as well. But i am not sure whether it is working or not.

    Whenever I talk to my mother, she snubs me saying i am overreacting and i am too outspoken to understand the indian household. But I feel they too are leaving in the 80s and expecting me to live like that.

    @PT,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Lack of privacy and personal time will make DG definitely crazy she doesn’t know how people can survive without these two essentials or be doubtful to the extent of calling themselves paranoid. Yes, in all caps LACK OF PRIVACY AND PERSONAL TIME is violation of human rights of a person.
    Guess desi women are born with a spine of steel (lohe ki reedh) and men with just external plumbing that accords them right to toast their shins once back from work and women once back from work have to do the second shift. You need to talk to your spouse about division of labor in clear terms and about your need to rest, privacy and personal time.
    Your in-laws do not want to give you privacy during the day so you gave up privacy during the night too. Voila!! they win. That is exactly DG did while she was married. Did it bother them? Did it change anything for them? None, all it changed was DG’s relationship with her spouse, the distance just grew wider. Guess, it is young people thing, we all are so self righteous. Put down that pail of righteousness and do something that works. Shut the damn door durning the day and see what happens? If they create a scene then let them.
    About your mother, her whole aim was to get rid of you via marriage and now she is done and doesn’t want you back. So now you are on your own, so grow some thick skin and claim your life.
    All the tools and information on GGTS, is for free to use and personal support is a paid service, nominally charged to keep up with time and seceraterial costs. If you require personal one on one support please send personal email to DG.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  21. Reva Kapur February 14, 2014 at p02 #

    Hi DG,

    I am facing a really tough time with my in-laws. They influence my husband to the core. My husband discusses the smallest of issues with them and they will change each and every decision that me and my husband have jointly made.
    My husband is living in a dream world of Ideal family, everyone living together but does not realize that it is not working out for me.
    I am under a lot of emotional stress, They dont let me have vacation with my family, whenever i visit them, they try to stop me, call up and fight, create mis-understandings b/w me and my musband. He is such a Momma and Papa boy, i am realizing that now after 3 yrs of wedding but i am fed up.
    Please help

    @Reva Kapur,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Congratulations! it took you just three years to come to this relaization. What kind of help are you looking for from DG? All tools and information on GGTS is for free to use by readers. There are 50+ comments some very detailed typed painstakingly by DG. If you had read them carefully you would have found suggestions that could help in your situation. Any further assistance is a paid service, nominally charged to cover time and seceraterial charges. For that you can write personal email to DG with a legitmate email id.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  22. RD January 7, 2014 at p01 #

    Hi, I am RD,

    Well I have had my share of problems with my in-laws as well. I have been married for 7 years now. They did a lot of things which were beyond reasonable, and my husband felt the same, first 2 years of marriage, but 2 years back, my son was born and my in-laws came to visit me in the U,S. My husband had promised that they will help out with the baby, my son was only 3 months, I was still doing my PhD and commuting a long distance, I was extremely stressed about putting him in daycare, bec they refused to take care of him and did not help out. On top of it, my parents had to leave to India, because my grandma had cancer, my mom had to take care of her mother. Things went sour between me and my in-laws, and we had a fight. The moment we fight, my husband complains about me to his whole family. His brother called my parents and said we should get divorced. He has done it atleast 4 times. He being a lawyer, knows all the legal battles and my MIL said, that she will make sure that she will get us divorced. My son was not even 5 months then.

    Though we met each other in the states, and he asked for a marriage, he has not supported me in any way. I feel he has a double personality. In the mean while, inspite of health issues (pre-cancer stage breast cancer), with the help of my parents (came to stay with me for 6 months, while I was writing my thesis etc etc and also along with the help of my husband), I finished my PhD mid-last year.

    Last year, he kept telling me he wants to go to India to visit his family and he told me he and his family did not want me there. I refused to send my son, without me. I said my son goes where ever I go. I did not refuse to visit his family, in fact I wanted to visit them, but he refused. And then last November, my sister had to travel to US on work and she came to stay with me for 4 days, she hadnt seen in 4 years and she had never seen my son. My husband did not speak a word to her, infact he told me he did not want her to come or he said he will stay in hotel. finally, I convinced him that we will come very late in the evening, so that he doesnt have to worry about talking or seeing her. My poor sister, was very cooperative. And a week after she left to India, she met with and accident and passed away. I in lot of pain. I miss my sister, my huband also felt guilty for not talking to her. My relatives in the US came to help me and in their presence, he also signed on the passport application. 10 days after I go to India, I called my MIL i told her I want to visit my son. She gave excuses etc and she asked me to cancer ticket, bec they had some house issues. Anyways, I could go, bec I had visa issues and had to travel back right away. but the day before I traveled, she called me and asked me to apologize to my FIL and her. My in-laws did not even talk to my parents to give their condolences. No one in their father asked me about my 4 year old nephew, how he was doing, since he was also injured in the accident. My FIL, MIL, BIL, SIL, no one. they are heartless people. My MIL also spoke to my mother, and my mom was crying about her lost daughter (my sister), and my heartless MIL, did not even bother to give her condolence, instead she kept ranting about how rudely I spoke to them 2-4 years back.

    My husband too talked wit my mom and he said he cannot share anything with me, but while I was in India, he use to tell me “I miss u, love you.. etc etc. I dont know what is real.

    I came back to US, and i felt I need to stop paying attention to people who don’t care about me. My husband, still complains about my behavior with his family, when they were here, but what about their behavior? How is it acceptable. In the past, we had issues, I talked about family counseling, which he refused. I asked him to write letters or emails to me, so that we can try and sort things out. In fact I also asked him his expectations and how he expects me to be.

    All he does is complain and complain, bicker about me to his family, how will they respect me? He just runs away from problems, and he keeps telling me that he has done so much for me and I have not done anything for him, he says all the cleaning and chores is; crap, everyone does it. I agree and I thanked him a lot, even in my thesis, that only bec of his help and my parents help, that I was able to accomplish so much. I bought MBA books for him, he doesnt want to read. All he says is there is no money. He even tells me that bec of me he cannot be with his friends, I am in touch with all his friends on facebook, I wish them, mail them. But everyone has kids now, and they all live in different states.

    I have told him that as a last resort, we should separate for sometime and see how things go, maybe we will realize each others importance. I do not want to divorce him for my son’s sake. He is infact not even moving ahead with separation. He does nothing, there has been no improvement for years, bec there is no communication. I am actually done, is there something I can do? Guide

    @RD,

    Please accept DG’s sympathies. Sorry for you loss and sorry DG could not respond to your comment in all these months she has her own struggles.
    Life is too short, your spouse still didn’t learn that when your sister died in a fatal accident nor did his parents. They are not heartless they are just egotistical of extreme order who refuse to learn from life.
    Your spouse is aware what he and his folks did was wrong and he rants to you but has no courage basically does not know how to confront them. He is stuck. Not doing an MBA coz’ there is lack of funds is an excuse to push you around that he supported you financially in your Ph.D. by paying your share of bills. We all did grad school with scholarships and GA/TA allownces and part time jobs sometimes even four jobs.
    Staying in a bad marriage for your children is not a good reason and is a big disfavor to them research has proven that time again.

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/ask-before-marrying/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/11/28/desi-marriage-for-all-the-wrong-reason/

    If you think you have done it all, then you don’t need DG’s validation. If seeking couple’s therapy is not an option go for your sake to know where you stand. AAll tools, pages, posts and comments on GGTS are free for use any personalized support is nominally charged.
    Once again, DG commiserates with you.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Liked by 1 person

    • RD January 7, 2014 at p01 #

      SORRY ABOUT THE TYPOS. Basically, I want my relation with my husband to work, or is there anything I can do, when he is not communicative. I feel he despises me, even I cant stand him anymore. I feel separation for a while is a solution, but looks like he doesnt want to do that either. What do I do with a wall, is the question. In-laws are a secondary issue. But for him his parents are everything. Help pls

      @RD,

      Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
      It is good that you realize that in-laws are a secondary issue not your primary concern. Sometimes a time bound separation gives us that me time we need to know what our needs and wants from a relationship. Here are few tool you can use and they are for free for anyone to use. Please refer to comments too. A lot of time and effort has gone in putting out this information for all to use. Any personal support is nominally charged service.

      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/feeling-and-expressing-your-emotions/
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/lets-talk-communication-deadlock/

      It is great that you feel you can still make it work, if so then couple’s therapy will be a good idea. You are two people in marriage not one person can make it work.

      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/couples-counseling-faq/

      If he refuses to go if I were you I’ll still go for my sake to learn about me.
      Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Like

  23. Julie Patterson November 16, 2013 at p11 #

    I agree it’s hard dealing with some in-laws. my husband won’t stand up for our marriage and doesn’t agree there should be any boundaries. We start counselling soon but he may end up choosing his family over wanting any privacy or intimacy in our marriage . If he does, I wont fight it.

    @Julie Patterson,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Sorry it took DG sometime to get to pending comments. Hope you are doing good with your counseling sessions. Just remember it takes two to tango, marriage is a tango two people have to sync their steps one can only do as much. What ever the outcome do it for healing yourself and getting your closure that you tried all you could.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  24. desibahu September 19, 2013 at p09 #

    I think everyone here is dealing with the same problem.
    Solution?
    Raise your sons to be good husbands, and your daughters to be assertive and independent.
    Create programs in the communities geared towards the male population to make them aware of the situation.

    Like

  25. Ali September 12, 2013 at p09 #

    Anisah, you repeatedly call your boyfriend controlling, but then you want to settle down with him. Why? Just to defy your parents? That’s not a good reason to remain in an abusive relationship.

    Like

    • Anisah September 17, 2013 at p09 #

      Ali, He isn’t over the top controlling its just on some particular things. Its not to just defy my parents, i love him and i really do want to spend the rest of my life with him but im just not too sure on how to spill it to my parents after all thats happend and now them thinking we have no contact with one another. I appreciate your reply and understand where you are coming from but its not at all an abusive relationship

      Like

      • Sonakhi October 17, 2013 at p10 #

        hi Anisa ,
        Love is very important in life ..but it is not the only thing sufficient to live a happy life ….. self respect and a respecting spouse is equally important… a person who don’t respect you don’t love you for sure… now you have to decide whether he loves you or what if u marry him against ur parents will and he mis treat u in future ….. let me tell u 1 thing it is easy to get over a love affair but it’s not easy to get over a broken marriagge ..so thiink well before u marry him …. hope this helps …. all d best for whatevver decision u make 🙂

        @Sonakshi,
        Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
        Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
        Peace,
        Desi Girl

        Like

  26. Anisah September 8, 2013 at p09 #

    I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years now. Im 18 he is 21. Im muslim so as you already know it is not allowed for a boy and girl to date but anyways 2 years ago he used to control me, treat me with disrespect etc we got caught seeing each other both parents met up and decided we werent to get in contact but we still spoke and carried on seeing each other and the a year ago now we got caught again and this time the police got involved it was hectic! My parents now think we dont talk, but we do were still together. Hes still controlling.. Im not saying iv not made any mistakes or im not wrong either because i am aswel as him. Thing is its coming to a point where he wants go settle down which means for me to tell my parents but im really scared i just dont know how to tell them i dont want to hurt them or want them to hate me. I love my partner but im scared what should i do? Please help me and reply back to me ASAP DG

    @Anisah,
    welcome to GGTS, a safe space.

    If DG is reading it correct, you wrote to get DG’s opinion on how to tell your parents that you have been seeing your boyfriend against their wishes and now he wants to settle down with you.

    You are 18 congratulations you are officially an adult now you can legally make your own decisions.

    Before she makes suggestion about how to tell your parents that you have been seeing your boyfriend against their wishes behind their backs and now he wants to settle down with you. DG suggests you thoroughly read the following links and comments then draft a letter what and how you would like to break it to your parents and then DG will brush it up with you.

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/take-a-quiz-are-you-abused/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/signs-of-an-abuser/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/how-abuse-begins/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/emotional-abuse/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/cycle-of-violence/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/your-rights-in-a-relationship/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/08/07/signs-of-an-abuser/

    Hope this helps. Please feel free to write back if you have ay questions.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

    • Laila September 15, 2013 at p09 #

      Hey Anisah,
      After reading your story in short, I think you are indeed faced with two issues: one being whether you should tie your whole life with your bf and get married; and the other being your dealing with your parents who might be objective to the prospective marriage.
      I personally think you should focus on the first and worry about the second later. The way you told your story – mentioning him being controlling but you also at fault – seems to me that you are somehow irresolute about your decision to marry him. I’m not sure if your “decision” to marry is more a rebellion against your parents or it’s really a mature decision made on your end and your partner’s end.
      I am a 26 year old muslim woman and I got married last year. I still consider myself getting married too early. Why? I was yet to create a life/family with my young husband (he is one year younger) and I was faced with huge problems created by my inlaws. I somehow went through and still stuck together with my husband.
      I am not being judgmental here. Maturity means you are ready for any consequences incurred by your own decision, whether a right or a wrong one. Are you ready for a life time with him? Are you ready for any problems that might occur between you two or the two families? Are you guys strong enough together to conquer anything or could be parted because of some external factors? Ask yourself that.
      Indeed, inlaw problems can just be temporary if you guys decide to always stick together and act as one entity. Maybe you guys should discuss that first. Think your options through and the potential consequences of all.

      Like

      • Anisah September 17, 2013 at p09 #

        Hey Laila
        Reading what you replied has really made me feel much stronger. Yes i am mature hence why i want to tell my parents but i just dont know how i mean i dont want them to think any different of me or hate me for getting back in contact with him. I dont mean to get married straight away i just feel its right to tell my parents and if they want me to get engaged just now then thats completely fine. We are strong hence why we still are in contact after everything that has happend we have stuck by one another.Problems always occur and im 100% with him all the way. We have sat down and discussed this and he is saying the same as me.. I just need some help on how to break it to my parents.

        Like

    • Anisah September 17, 2013 at p09 #

      Hi DG, Thank you so much i have read through all the links and comments you linked above. Could you help me on how to tell my parents please?

      Like

  27. Farhana July 29, 2013 at p07 #

    I loved reading your posts and it arouses some doubts in my mind. I am getting married in 6 months. I kind of dont like my in laws. I belong to a muslim family and so cloths have always been a problem. I want an independent life with my partner. But it seems impossible now. As the elder brother of my partner had left them after marriage and they are sort of disconnected. So there is a lot of pressure on my partner and me too. Already everyone in the family taunts him saying he would follow his brother and leave his parents. But i somehow dont want this unnecessary in laws tension. Mine is a love marriage.
    My partner says to trust him and that he will be on.my side if any problem persists. He is very nice but at the same time very attached to family. I asked if we could go abroad. But he refused for his family. My family is quite outgoing as compared to his. But he is not ready to get separated from his family. I dont want my decision to be wrong in future. And i have heard it so much that husband and bfs are different persons i am scared. I dont know what to do. I have seen my sister not being happy after loving her in laws so much. They hate her. I have it in mind in laws are always.demanding. I.dont want a sacrificing life. I have discussed this with my partner. He just asks me to trust him. I am very confused, if i should take this relation to next level. The thing is everyone in both our family has accepted us. Now stepping back would creat alot of problem. But i am not yet convinced to stay with in laws. How to make my partner understand about it?

    @Farhana,
    Welcoem to GGTS, a safe space.
    If you have read GGTS posts and comments then you know DG has clearly answered this question numerous times. Though you have answered your own question.

    …The thing is everyone in both our family has accepted us. Now stepping back would creat alot of problem. But i am not yet convinced to stay with in laws…

    What does that tell you?
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2011/12/31/1272/

    …Already everyone in the family taunts him saying he would follow his brother and leave his parents.
    So the elder brother bailed out at the first opportunity and the younger is being challenged that he’ll follow the suit but now he’ll divert all his energies to prove them wrong, so the aim of life will be to please the dumped parental egos by a sibling. Also have you thought how long can he keep fighting for you? What if Someday he’ll get tired and say why can’t you adjust? Why do you have to be so demanding?

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/ask-before-marrying/

    Hope this helps.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

    • Laila September 15, 2013 at p09 #

      Farhana,
      I’m speaking from my personal experiences. DO NOT live with inlaws if the situation is already like this. You can feel free to trust your husband to be but I’d like to tell you from my personal experiences that even if he sticks up for you, things can still be VERY ugly. The root problem is not him sticking up for you or not, it’s a matter of whether people can change because of you and whether people can really respect you because they are respectful to begin with (assume you do no wrong) – and the answer is, sadly, NO.
      I lived with my inlaws right after marriage for a good 8 months and the 8 months were the most depressing and miserable period in my whole life. My husband sticks up for me every single time they instigate, backmouth, create drama, attack, or emotionally and verbally abuse me. However, things change right after each episode for like a week and everything returns back to normal. My inlaws family consist of one narcissistic, selfish, and manipulative mother, a spineless quid like father, and two brainwashed younger brothers.
      You are going to live in THEIR house and play THEIR rules. They will not change their rules against there interests or pleasure from abuse just because they care that you’re a young newly wed girl. I am not sure how your inlaws are like but things with me got really ugly. I had no choice but to write all of them off from my life. I am happy and peaceful right now but the 8 months of torture has certainly got into me – deep depression, weight loss, panic attack, destructed self confidence. All those are unnecessary. It’s a bad experience for a young girl although you can argue that I have learned a lesson out of it.
      My suggestion for you is that you should talk again with your husband. “Trust me” is not a good enough answer. If your husband cannot think of multiple option, you might want to help him think by asking him the pros and cons of different living scenarios. You should definitely ask your husband how he sees his family and the good or bad of your addition into the family. That way, you can see if he is really giving you a mature yes or just a random bullshitting.
      Last advice, do not be misled by other people’s stories. People handle things differently. Just because your sister suffered does not mean you are going to suffer. In the end, it all depends on how you and your husband handle and act as one unity.
      I personally suggest you to live independently unless you are super confident that you and your husband will always act in unison under whatever circumstances and you can survive any humiliation, dramas, and any other psychotic experiences. If not, then just get out before you run into it – short pain is better than long pain.

      Like

  28. Yasmin June 26, 2013 at p06 #

    I feel bad for all the girls on here that are having to deal with possesive, messed up in laws. My own story is that I fell in love a few years ago with a man that I thought would stick up for me and my feelings in front of his family once we were married. Instead he has let me down over and over again and we are now seperated. MIL is a complete witch and cannot let go of her son, constantly treats him like a little husband even though we do not live with them. MIL refused to let me in their house when my own house was burgled, they have ignored me when I have gone to hospital for surgery and treated me like an outcast. It all started when me and my husband decided to get engaged and they turned on me like I was taking away their prized possession. Years on and now married, my husband goes to his family’s house behind my back and does not involve me in the family life. He too is at fault for treating his own wife like an outsider. I feel so lost, confused and unhappy that this is where my life has ended up. I am an independent and ambitous woman who works hard for everything in life, whereas hubby has had everything done for him – a proper mummys boy. When his parents grow old I will never look after them after the way they have treated me. I would never wish this feeling upon anyone.

    @Yasmin,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    So empteen kisses did not turn that green frog into a charming prince rather the charming prince became the proverbial frog. Tell DG about it, she was married to one. If she could redo one thing in her life it will be to go back and dump the creature at the first instance when it felt it was costing her intergrity to keep this person in her life.
    It wasn’t that this all started at or after engagement, it was already happening but we either ignored the signs or we did not know those were red flags and we took the relationship to next level, engagement. Why did we short change ourself and thought engagement will make it better or marriage will cure it all. Why were we so afraid of breaking up or why were we so confident that seal of committment will cure it all? The problem was never in the in-laws it was the spineless squid we chose that was proverbial bad apple.

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/desi-parenting-raising-devoted-sons/

    When a spouse goes behind the back of the other to do something they like or feel obligated to that is the litmus test to rate your relationship. How long do you plan to continue like this? DG hears you talking about an expectation that you’ll care for your tormentors in old gae. Please talk it now or else you’ll only perpetuate the ugly cycle of women treating other women badly based on tit for tat; MIL treated me badly so when I have my turn I’ll treat her badly.

    If DG was you and if she had an opportunity she would have sought professional help and ask her spouse to start saving for his parents’ oldage care for she will have nothing to do with them. She had made her intent clear that is when the hell broke loose but that made things only more clear where she stood in the marriage.

    Sorry, DG has no clue if you are seeking her opinion or just making a comment but anyway she has made her two cents worth here. GGTS is also a safe space for DG to get a perspective.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  29. Sei June 13, 2013 at p06 #

    Thank you. My in-laws hated me from the moment they met me. They are the only people I know to date that find me rude and offensive. After being with my husband 11 years (married for one..they had convinced him it was impossible to marry in this economy…he unofficially proposed to me 10 years ago) my point is…I tried everything to please them. And guess what, the abuse got exponentially worse. I wrote this today in hopes people won’t fall in this pit fall. You cannot make them love you with kindness…they will trample you. I’ve been dealing with horrible anxiety that I never suffered before….I have headaches, heart palpitations, numbness in my left arm and finally last year during the holiday season my anxiety was so high it masqueraded as a food allergy. My throat would almost shut and my face filled with hives every time I ate.

    All these years my husband sided with them not knowing he was doing it…and I allowed the abuse. I haven’t seen them in months as I start having a panic attack when we are about to leave. This article has perhaps helped me bolster myself and maybe I will be able to see them for Father’s Day. And perhaps I can finally ask why they hate me so much.

    Like

    • girlsguidetosurvival July 6, 2013 at p07 #

      Sei,

      Hope the father’s day encounter went by fine. Hope you are doing good. Did you get your answer, why they hate you?
      Please take care of your health let them do what they do the best, “to hate.”

      Keep us posted.
      Peace,
      DG

      Like

  30. Parvathy May 22, 2013 at p05 #

    Hi,

    My husband is not respecting my parents. His mother & 2 sisters are using bad words & scolding me. He is not ready to stand up for me. He is listening only to their words & troubling me. He is hiding things from me. This is my second marriage. It is his second marriage too. Dont know how to handle. He is not willing to talk anything on this. Even if i take him to counselling, he is very much sure that he and his family is right. He never speaks anything with logic. He can never understand. Pls offer your advice.

    Thank You.

    @Parvathy,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.

    In the west if first marriages have 50% chance of ending in divorce then second marriages have 75% chances of meeting the similar fate. They say the higher failure rate of second marriages can be attribute to the fact that people just repeat the mistakes they made in the first marriage with more confidence and walk away more easily as the inhibitions are lower second time around. But that is not the case in desi communities, if someone is able to walk away from first marriage and get hitched second time their whole life purpose become to guard the longevity of this second marriage irrespective of the quality of the union.

    Just reading your less than ten sentences gives an impression your spouse has done this in the past and he is confident he can continue this same behavior second time around and you are hell bent on making it work because it is your second marriage and you are here to wash away the stigma of first divorce and prove it to the world first time it wasn’t your mistake. THINK. It is relationship of unequals to begin with he has no incentive to change, why should he change?

    DG doesn’t give any advice she only makes her opinion known. Her only question is how long are you planning to put up with this nonsense and how do you plan to do so?
    When that God forsaken now ex refused to go for counselling DG went alone for her sake, though she could not afford more than three sessions but it gave her a lot of perspective and in future that helped her in making a choice.

    Here on GGTS there are numerous posts and tools for anyone to use for free. Please use and share with others. Please understand her personal attention to emails is nominally charged service.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  31. Richa May 5, 2013 at p05 #

    hi dear, My hubbi left me with 2 littel angels …3 months back… really i m alone now …n my in laws r mentally irritates me … they indirectly hurts me … they want me to go from here… nut dear y i ll go to my parents house… what can i do… they do every thing indirectly … my kids r too small … one is of 5years n sec one is of 1 year only … i ve nothing … plz sugesst me… police complaint … parents ko batu… what can i do

    @Richa,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Sorry it took DG a long time to get back to you due to her personal stuff.

    Just wondering why haven’t you told your parents yet? Please inform about your situation to your immediate family and friends clearly. The children are too young but that should not deter you from seeking appropriate help.
    You are entitled to child support and residence in marital home and that to without repercussions and threats of violence.

    DG is assuming you are based in India. Please write to her and she’ll help you find needful resources.
    Please stay strong, read GGTS posts and comments carefully you’ll find lots of useful information for free.

    Sending you kind thoughts and courage.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  32. caty April 2, 2013 at p04 #

    I was reading through various posts.If a girl says “No” to her in-laws then she is being criticized more and it depends on the in-laws as to how much abusive they are and it may lead to even physical abuse by husbands on refusal and saying “NO” by a bahu then what becomes the next alternative for a desi girl?

    Like

  33. unhappy wife, March 29, 2013 at p03 #

    I married a man supported him from time of our engagement to seven years after our marriage. He never spent any money on me from day one. Now that he is finally earning his MOM thinks we should send them gifts Well what happened to all the debt we have from when he wasn’t working his family never stepped in to help us then. So now they appear to get the benefits. What about our debts, my dreams.
    Never marry a small town boy. He will just take you for granted.

    @unhappy wife,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe sapce.
    It is not about small town boy or big town boy. Marriage is about a man and a woman. Boys should not marry.
    What happned to you is called reaping male privilege by his natal family. They were awaiting for their poot (son) to turn into kamaoo poot (earning son). Your loans and debts are not their problem, it is your problem and that of your spouse, it was you guys who took out those loans.
    You both need a plan how you’ll pay back those debts and loans. These are things one ought to discuss before marrying or before/during getting addmission in the school. It is not a one time communication it has to be sustained every time one pays the tution. here is something you can use as reference./

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/ask-before-marrying
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/feeling-and-expressing-your-emotions/

    If it doesn’t work then

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/lets-talk-communication-deadlock/
    then

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/couples-counseling-faq/

    Please refer posts, pages and comments all tools on GGTS are free for readers to use.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  34. desibahu February 28, 2013 at p02 #

    you know what the desi problem is?
    crazy families.
    crazy in laws.
    crazy people.
    lack of boundaries. emotional manipulation. financial manipulation.
    end of story.
    girl comes from a kookoo house with a kookoo narcisist mama who treats her brothers like princes. marries the man who is supposed to save her in her imaginery fairytale. man comes with desi style baggage=kookoo desi family with a mother who worships her son and lets every type of disgusting and morally wrong thing take place in her family. her children and herself and her husband, like typical desis, are the idols for anti-moral behavior. in comes this little innocent girl who is trying to please everyone. to please the toilet of southeast asia. she just doesnt realize it yet. and now the games begin.
    the mother cannot let this little flower steal her prized possesion spoilt brat son. his brothers wife and his sisters cannot let her be seen as anything worthy in front of mr hero’s eyes.
    im done.
    this is the story of every girl on this page.

    Like

  35. Renu February 12, 2013 at p02 #

    Will somebody please help me.
    Mine is an arranged marriage, two months back. Was engaged for 6 months. My parents and in-laws have been on uncertain terms all through the engagement and on the day of marriage there were several ugly scenes. In laws have presented facts to their son such that he thinks that everything is my parents fault (maybe in part, but he does not see that his parents are also to blame in part). After marriage, i am not in regular contact with parents. But husband says that if i respect him and to prove my trustworthiness, i must get my parents to apologise to his parents. What do i do?

    @Renu,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Sorry it took me sometime to get back to writing. If you had read the comments you would have known there is no one here but DG to answer the questions.

    Don’t know if I should congratulate you or not on your getting married but definitely feel like giving your parents a gold medal for pushing you into this. Engagements are basically a trail period where you see if the prospective relationship is workable. A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage coz’ a lot goes into a wedding and then the marriage.

    DG just knows one thing WHAT YOU ALLOW CONTINUES…

    Here are my two cents- you both married each other not your parents. Stop fighting their fights.
    He wants you to prove your loyalty by making you beg your parents to apologize to his parents to bolster their ego. He asked you to do this shows how much he respects you as a human being and a wife. If you go ahead and ask your parents to fulfill their fancies do you think you’ll be able to respect this man and live with him for rest of your life?

    Once you are married it is you two who have to deal with your own parents coz’ you have history with them and build your relationship. If this man had stood by you he would have earned your loyalty now he is trying to extract loyalty from you. It will not work because there is no respect for one another. Even if your parents do fulfill their fancies next time it will be something else and gradually they’ll stop entertaining you coz’ you’ll have a sob story every time.

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/emotional-abuse/

    It will work only if you both work it. Seek professional counseling and talk to your spouse how this marriage and his behavior has made you feel. How it will impact your future. You both are married to each other not to one another’s parents.

    Hope this helps. https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/feeling-and-expressing-your-emotions/

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

    • Ali February 28, 2013 at p02 #

      I completely agree with DG. Tell your husband (and possibly his parents) that their fight has nothing to do with you, and also that you can’t *make* your parents do anything they don’t want to. If you feel like it you could even say you don’t feel your parents owe them an apology, so there’s no way you’re going to get involved.

      If your husband doesn’t back you up, see if you can get him to agree to counselling to help him see your point of view. If he doesn’t start treating you with some respect, leave him because it will only get worse as time goes on.

      Like

    • Shruti March 1, 2013 at p03 #

      Dear Renu,

      Ugly scenes on the day of marriage is a thing I have very commonly seen in Indian arranged marriages. Usually there’s some arrogant brother-in-law or bua who will always be dissatisfied or upset by something or the other.
      Since you are only two months in your marriage, you have to first develop a good bonding with your husband. Say, you love him very much, and give him reasons why you love him and tell him that you a lot of respect for him and his family. You have to be extremely kind, loving and understanding to him. Mostly, given he is a nice guy, he should reciprocate the love and understanding.
      In this situation you may try to solve this problem in these steps:

      1. Acknowledge – tell him you understand how he is feeling, empathize with him, validate his feeling.
      2. Express – then tell him how you feel about the situation.
      3. Discuss – How do you feel this situation should be tackled. May be if parents form both sides are at fault, then they should sort out things by talking to each other.

      Remember this: Always talk to his parents directly, and don’t let them communicate through their son to you. Tell your in laws that you have to live with them for the rest your life, more than you have lived with your parents, and it is important that you understand each other.

      As suggested by DG and Ali, it is best you seek professional help.

      Hope this helps,
      All the best.

      Like

      • girlsguidetosurvival March 3, 2013 at p03 #

        @Shruti, Shruti,

        DG is so proud of you. You gave such a wonderful suggestions based on all the posts DG has done in the past.
        Thank you, and keep supporting GGTS, DG needs to take it slow for some time.
        Peace,
        Desi Girl

        Like

      • Shruti March 3, 2013 at p03 #

        Renu,

        Be loving and understanding, but it is really important to always be assertive to your husband. I learnt how to be assertive from of DG’s posts. Link: https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/assertiveness-learn-to-say-no/
        I have read this post a number of times, and it has helped me a lot. I have been assertive to my husband and in laws, and it has worked in my favour.

        Like

  36. miraculin February 6, 2013 at p02 #

    thank you very much for your reply DG!!

    i was not trying to be rude with my previous comment, (asking why you do not post) i do not think you owe me a reply. i just thought if you would post it, others can see and reply.

    Glad DG could help. If you read GGTS, you very well know hardly anyone comments unless it is about an issue they are facing. GGTS is not a popular place, people visit it in secret. It is for DG to respond to each comment and query. Lately it feels like a thankless job, especially with what happened yesterday.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  37. Shruti February 5, 2013 at p02 #

    It is quite upsetting to know that some woman is bullying you so much.
    DG, your posts are quite well researched, detailed and very well written. Your posts have helped me fix many problems in my life and I have helped many of friends by guiding them to some of your posts. I am very very thankful and grateful to you for being the agent of change in my life.
    I can understand how difficult it must be for you to reply to the comments on the blog. It must be taking so much thought, dedication, time, and commitment. You are being too generous to offer women personal advice. I know many women who need counseling, but are either not fine with the idea of going to a counselor or won’t take so much effort to go to one. It is very kind of you to offer such service. I believe it is a good thing to charge people; otherwise the advice is not taken seriously. People have to take effort, financially, physically and emotionally to sort out their issue.
    If, instead of appreciating you for the fantastic work you are doing, some woman is being abusive to you, she should be ashamed of herself. If she is abusing the person who is try to help her, then she is always going to be sad.

    Like

  38. Milky Chai February 4, 2013 at p02 #

    DG,
    Your invaluable advice and encouragement has its weight in gold. You are not obligated by any means to help anyone. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Your time is precious and it is not at all unreasonable to offer your time and advice for a fee. Keep it up DG, you are amazing.

    @Milky Chai,

    Thank you for your kind support. You have known DG long enough to stand by her, it really means a lot at this tough hour.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  39. Ali February 4, 2013 at p02 #

    DG, you are so brave to speak out and provide people with the things you learned from your personal experiences. I see lots of comments on your posts about how much you’ve helped people work through their own troubles.

    It’s too bad so many demand personalised advice and then become angry when you don’t devote all your attention to them. You only have so much time and energy, and you get so many e-mails from women asking you personally to rescue them. If these women get angry with you because you don’t fix their lives for them, that’s their problem. You just provide general advice here, and it’s up to them to seek out professional help if they want one-on-one service. There are plenty of life coaches around who do not have professional degrees, but who charge for their services. Your services are no different.

    It is truly ironic that women who come to you asking how to end abusive relationships often end up being abusive to you. They need to accept responsibility for their own decisions!

    @Ali,

    Thank you for supporting and standing by DG against the detractors. It is readers like you who help DG do the work she is doing or else it won’t be possible for a person with limited resources and disability to keep up GGTS.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  40. Janedoe February 3, 2013 at p02 #

    No I tried everything. Even talking to them backfired. I even tried their approach and brought it up to my husband. Which he responded with emotional abuse to control me which I finally faced as a fact about him because when u r in love u don’t wanna see of the other person can do such a thing.
    Basically his parents want him to control me. Or keep me under control. And on anything else we handle great but about his parents he turns into someone else. Because f that I don’t know how I feel about him. We have a small baby. I have been trying to confront his parents. He is not letting me. Because he will look weak and they will lose control over the situation. But I hit rock bottom in this family. Btw I am not desi.

    @Janedoe,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Why do you confront your in-laws when you cannot even successfully talk to your spouse? Do you think confronting a bunch of bullies will solve anything or you’ll win.
    Work on your relationship for get everybody else. If he fears looking week then you both can pay an act that when you both go to them you can act “yes” woman and once you are back home he can apologize to you and make you dinner.
    Read through the comments you’ll find useful information any individualized personal response is a paid service. You may contact DG on her gmail and it is within the comments some where.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  41. miraculin January 29, 2013 at p01 #

    why do you not post any of my comment? i am trying to seek help.

    @miraculin,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    There is nothing against you or your comments that DG is not approving them. Lately she has been dealing with her own stuff and long comments take a lots of thinking and then typing. You are seeking help and all help is provided here for free for anyone to use. Had you browsed GGTS and read through the comments you would have known you are just another DG. All answers and required tools are provided here and are free of cost for all to use.

    Just know you are not the first one to have an intercaste interreligion marriage going sour.

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/emotional-blackmail/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/desi-parenting-raising-devoted-sons/

    Your spouse is going through guilt of marrying on his own and he is asserting weight on you coz’ he changed his faith for you. Faith is something very private and personal and when a person changes it for an ulterior reason (to beget some material gain, here it was marriage to you not personal connection with God(s)). It is bound to carry lots of resentment against both marriage and you. You have to talk this out with him and it is not one time talk you have to talk regularly and consistently, how you can talk is shown here

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/feeling-and-expressing-your-emotions/

    If the talk is going some where or not you’ll know from this

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/lets-talk-communication-deadlock/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/07/03/desi-choices-or-else/

    Bottom line is WHAT YOU ALLOW CONTINUES.

    Today it is wearing X outfits and tomorrow it will be going to temple and by the year end it will be performing the rituals. You both had your own doubts about each other and the relationship (it is DG’s story just read around) but you took a leap in a fit of rage to prove something and here you are facing your own doubts manifest into reality.

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/assertiveness-learn-to-say-no/

    What are the two things you need to change in your relationship to make it better? Focus on them. Relationships are complex and require lots of work but they don’t have to be life sentence. They (his family) want this to end just like that of DG’s that God forsaken now ex. Their aim is to create a chasm between you two so that you’ll walk away and they can claim to their son “we told you so…” Now it is up to you to play this game or put an end to it. Work on your

    primary relationship, your marriage. Have some relationship goals and work towards them.

    This is how it will play out

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/cycle-of-violence/

    and you two will be like puppies chasing their tail. You need external help, seek professional counseling. DG provides one on one support on nominal charges contact her through her gmail the id is here in the comments somewhere. You can join DG and friends on FB too.

    Hope this helps.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  42. chandrima Mukherjee January 28, 2013 at p01 #

    Thank u soooooo much for helping us.Ur suggetions r realistic and thoughtful.I m also suffering with same problem.I think ur thought will hlp me a lot to get out of this stressful situation.Thanks…

    @chandrima Mukherjee,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Glad DG could help. Just knowing that you are not alone and only one going through the mess is in itself a great booster. Please browse GGTS thoroughly greater information is in the comments. Stay positive, focused and exercise you’ll be fine.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  43. miraculin January 18, 2013 at p01 #

    i am married for 6 months now and it is a love marriage. here’s one situation that i faced today. my husband and me planned to attend a function. later, his uncle asks my husband to take his wife to that function. when my husband replied that we are going in a bike, that man is telling, your wife has got to work know, so why don’t you to accompany my wife! and then my husband tells me he will take his aunt and go!!

    i am feel so weird here. first of all, i am totally angry that his uncle intrudes in our family stuff. who is he to say that i have work? don’t i know that?!? and second of all, i am jaw-dropped at my husband decision on this! i don’t know what to do.

    ours was love marriage. i am christian and he is hindu but he got converted to Christianity during marriage(when we made the decision, i was not willing to change so he said he will convert). His family did not approve of us. We are not welcome in his house. Though his family did not accept us even before marriage, he stood with his decision. My husband was so very loving to me and is a nice man. But i kinda took him for granted for few months(happened unknowingly. i didn’t mean to hurt him.) Later i realized my mistake(i feel terrible now for having done that) and now i am trying to be good. But after marriage, problems started and he always sides with his family and does not stand up for me. i feel bad. i cry. Whenever there is a small fight, he goes without talking to the maximum up to a week. It really hurts. I have told him that but he repeats it always. I even told him that i would leave him if he goes without talking to me, but he repeats it. we work in different shifts (mine is day and his is night) and mostly we don’t find time to talk to each other during weekdays. i am confused. mostly, i feel it is my fault. because i took him for granted maybe he doesn’t love me anymore.. help me please.

    @miraculin,

    I have answered your questions in another comment here I am just adding more. Hope this helps.

    He knows you won’t leave him coz’ you married him against all odds and now your threats have no teeth.
    So he is inflicting emotional abuse on you coz’ right now he can’t inflict physical violence it won’t be very far…

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/emotional-abuse/
    This is how it all happened

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/how-abuse-begins/

    About that uncle, he knows he can dictate coz’ his nephew is all ears. It is you and your spouse who have to stand a joint front against everyone else but he won’t do it coz’ he is guilt ridden for marrying out of his choice so his only way to make it right to his family is to break you into their mold or punish you for not doing so. Work on your marriage. WHAT YOU ALLOW WILL CONTINUE. Put your foot down and stand your ground or else these people will walk all over you. As live-in is not an option for most desis people end up marrying and wake up to the reality the spouse has changed over night. But marriage should not be a life sentence or death do us apart or till one of us kills the other. Work with a goal in mind.

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/your-rights-in-a-relationship/

    Peace,
    DG

    Like

  44. cary December 21, 2012 at p12 #

    hello DG,

    i am married for 5 months now. i am a christian and my husband was a Hindu (converted as christian during marriage.) Before marriage, while deciding on the style (Hindu or christian or register marriage) of marriage, my husband said he will convert (but hesitated initially) and i believe in my religion. Their parents were totally against it. They were not ready to accept us even when we said we will do register marriage. They did not speak to him and there were usually great fights because of christian marriage(before wedding). But my husband went through all this and said he wanted to do christian marriage. They even tried convincing me.

    His parents did not come for our wedding.

    we are staying in a separate house. Now when i go to visit my in laws, they are forcing me to keep ‘bindi’. i actually like keeping bindi, but as they are forcing on it, now i really dont like to keep it. My husband thinks if he speaks against it, they might avoid us forever. My husband wants me to wear only traditional dress (sari or salwar) when i visit them. i work in a school and i wear sari everyday. So i like to wear other dress on weekends but it does not happen. i dont know where to draw a line. i was brought up in a house where we can make our independent choice for our personal life.

    My husband wants to spend almost all the free time with his family. Me and my husband work in different shifts(he is in night shift) and we hardly get to see each other on weekdays. So i wait eagerly for weekends to spend time with him but he always wants to go to his house.

    i dont like my in-laws because they are so nosey in others life and backbite about their own relatives. But still, they act nice in front of their relatives. My husband also backbites after visiting any of their relative. i tell him to avoid visiting them, if he doesnt like them but he says relatives are meant to be together.

    my husband wants us to stay with his parents. but i am not for it. Their house is under construction. once it is built, he wants us to be with them. i don’t think i can that. i dont know what to do..

    Another problem:
    My husband loved me so much. But i think i took him for granted during few months before our marriage. i did not understand him that time. My fault. And now i feel he is ignoring me because he does not want to spend time with me and after every small fight, he avoids talking to me for a week minimum.

    i am confused. i feel guilty for taking him granted during those months before marriage. i am depressed during those days when he is not talking to me(this happen every other week).

    i am trying to be patient.

    i want us to live in a separate house happily!

    help me. should i change my attitude?

    @cary,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    I hope writing this response was cathartic. If you browse around GGTS, you’ll find the answers to your questions. Individualized personal responses are a paid service for that please contact DG on her gmail id that is somewhere within the comments.
    Hope this helps.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  45. athom30 November 21, 2012 at p11 #

    Honestly in this case, for me anyway is the fact his Father is ill and has not got long to live. That should be the focus, not a job, or should we get married, that will all work it’s self out. If truly you are having doubts about a marriage when you are long distance that is an issue to look at. It is about balance and doing what is needed in the here and now whatever that is for you personally. DG makes a very good point flip the situation what if it was your loved one who were ill. Any way just my thoughts on this

    @athom30,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Thank you for your input and supporting GGTS.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  46. SuperMiracle November 21, 2012 at p11 #

    Hi..My case is a bit different from some of the posts that I read here but need some advise as my mind is sorta blocked in taking the call….I live in London since last 3 years and working here….I like my job, like the country and want to be here for long term if I can. I am career oriented and have worked hard last few years to make things happen for my career. I have a fiance and we have been going around since about 6-7 years. We both were in London but for job purposes he moved to India about 1 year back. So a distance relationship these days:)…that said…we both wanted to move together…aspirations were for international career so earlier this year we made a decision to get married and both stay in London for long term (the guy to find a job here and only if it takes a very long time we then give but atleast try once for two reasons that I had put lot of hard work and this is something we really wanted from past)…but now 5 months back….my father in law (to be) is diagnosed with cancer and docs say that its terminal and he has about 18 months. Whatever, I am not giving away hopes…now the marriage has not happened so far though there is a pressure on us to do that asap..more than that the guy is himself stressed about his dad and wants to be with him which makes sense to me. But when said that I should leave everything and move back to India….i am not able to decide….is that the only option? There has been so much hard work put by myself and its also about my career, our aspirations and our future….that what comes to my mind. Cannot say if not getting married now is an option….getting married and staying apart is a realistic options…distance is a pain but then what to do….i am not able to decide who is right and who is wrong….me for my career or he for his family. I will say i can feel the stress around him…we do not want to loose each other…i do not want to loose the career and still somewhere think about ourselves though the guy is not really thinking himself at present. (atleast that’s what i feel that he is himself putting a responsibility & expectation pressure on himself)….i know this might sound one sided but the honestly speaking one should in a situation like this esp when you aspired for international career and life and have the present built on that but then you do not want to do bad for your family. All thoughts welcome!

    @SuperMiracle,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.

    Why do you create a this or that situation? What if you were already married what would have been the choices then?- move or have a long distance marriage. In a 6-7 year long relationship a piece of paper (marriage license) will decide what you’ll do or do what is expected from a married desi woman, move with her spouse what ever part of the world he goes to. If that is what a marriage is going to do to you then do you really get married?

    Just for a minute keep your self in your partner’s place and think what he is going through? He is preparing for a loss of a parent and would like to spend as much time with him he can. What is wrong in that? If it were your parent what would have been your choices move with your parent or work on your international career. What if you were married to this same guy and had a terminally ill parent then what would have been your choices? Would your guy support you if you were in similar situation and how he would have supported you. Either way it would have been your and his choices depending on each of your priorities and world views and that in turn will define your relationship.

    Relationships are more than living together and exchanging bodily fluids. Relationships are about supporting one another in both good and bad times. Helping one another in making difficult decisions and bringing about best in each other to grow together.

    None can put a date on when someone is going to breath last but partners ought to prepare for loss of parents doesn’t matter if it is before or after marriage. DG volunteers at a hospice so she has seen people both pre-pone and postpone weddings and other important life events with exception to births (yes these westerns are not into designer/auspicious date and time for c-sections yet) If you are dealing with such a big question isn’t it time you reexamined why you want to get married.

    Any other advice/opinion is via email and it is a paid service. All tools are given on this blog and free for anyone to use.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/ask-before-marrying/

    Like

  47. failure at all fronts November 2, 2012 at p11 #

    Hi,

    I recently got married. It is a love marriage and a difficult one. Our parents didn’t agree initially but somehow said yes.

    We were dating for 3 years and he knew nothing is more important to me than my ehtics and I stand strongly against dowry which I have mentioned millions of times in our talks, and so strongly that I will out of a relationship if ever asked for a dowry. My family is well off but are totally against dowry.

    Some days before the engagement, his dad asked my dad about so-and-so amount of dowry that he politely refused saying we are against dowry. We will make the best possible arrangements for the wedding, but won’t give dowry and I stood by it (and I will always stand by it). It plucked a nerve and his dad started to make all the trouble in the wedding. He started to insult him and my family and be and harass us emotionally. He called me once saying he has cut-off from his brothers and sisters and won’t take a moment to get rid of another person (i.e. his son) from his life. I was taken aback by this and called my husband (boyfriend at that time) and he was so furious about it that he said lets drop engagement and lets get married now itself.

    In all the hustle, we happen to get married in a span of 3 days and its been 3 months now. Before getting married, we never had an argument but the past couple of days are getting real tough. Whenever his dad calls up,he again talks disrespectfully towards me and my family in my husband’s absence and acts saint in front of him and the world.

    Recently it happened so, that while talking to him i put the call on speaker and he realized that he was truly not being respectful. We had an argument in which he said that it was not such a huge sum of money(dowry) and your dad could have given that just to avoid all this. This broke my heart totally. This is not the person I fell in love with and if he is then may be he is mistaken by me being a totally different person. I walked out of my family, against everyone with my faith on just one person and that faith and trust shattered entirely. I have nowhere to go now and its been just 3 months. I know he is not greedy but I am sure now, that everytime in future when I will be correct, he will not be standing for me against his dad.

    Totally shattered and heart broken.

    @failure at all fronts,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    If it is any consolation then just know you are not the first and you are not the last.
    DG’s was four years of courtship and since the day of engagement it was ask your parents to agree to my parents just coz’ they are “ladke wale” and I am depriving them of their choice of bahu.” DG was a chicken to break the engagement and she thought it is pressure of wedding once the ceremony is done life will continue. Life did continue but not happily ever after that is why you are reading this blog.

    Yes, they make 180 turn as soon as their parents start acting up. Yes, you are heart broken and something changed and it will never be the same, now you know he’ll not stand up for you today, tomorrow or… You have basically lost respect for your spouse and lost respect for your self coz’ you chose him. DG will say it is still too soon to give up. It will hurt and it will hurt a lot even after you get it out. DG believes you have to communicate how you are feeling about your partner and your relationship in order to keep your sanity. You are no longer 100% there and is that how you want to live in this relationship? Here are few links read the posts carefully and comments too. PLEASE READ CAREFULLY.

    Stay strong, it is not the end of the world. Your sanity if not retained will soon start showing on your health. Keeping quite and hurting will only hurt you and your marriage. What he said is illogical coz’ he thinks if you and your parents would have fulfilled his father’s one fancy but he forgets soon they would have been ready with some other demand.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/feeling-and-expressing-your-emotions/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/lets-talk-communication-deadlock/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/assertiveness-learn-to-say-no/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/emotional-blackmail/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/07/03/desi-choices-or-else/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/how-abuse-begins/

    Like

  48. caty October 31, 2012 at p10 #

    Can you please tell how to handle husband’s brother’s wife, that is elder sister-in-law of family. She finds fault in me and complains regarding the same to my husband and rest of my in-laws. Then they all start fighting with me including my husband who blindly takes the sides of his sister-in-law. My husband told me since very first day that his elder brother and his wife has done so much for him as being elders so now we have to do only for them. Also he finds that his sister-in-law is always right and I am always wrong. Hence he takes sides of his sister-in-law who has a fault finding behavior. I am alone against five of my in-laws who fight (including mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law and his abusive wife and of course my husband). All of my in-laws take the side of elder brother’s wife?

    @caty,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Glad you felt comfortable to seek help here. Just know there is no one here besides DG who’ll answer your question. Did you read the comments in this post or browse GGTS? If you had then you would have found the answer.
    Please follow these links and read the comments carefully.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,

    Desi Girl

    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/03/24/401/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/11/28/desi-in-laws-wedging-a-psychological-warfare-against-bahus/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/desi-parenting-raising-devoted-sons/
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/12/07/desi-mothers-in-law/

    Like

    • caty November 1, 2012 at p11 #

      Thanks DG. I went through the links and it is very well said. But I am confused regarding what reply to give to my in-laws in order to overcome it. Also what to say to my elder co-sister-in-law and to my husband.

      Good. dealing with a dominating co sister is dealt in comments addressed to Desi Bahu in this post. There are enough tools provided on GGTS free of cost for anyone to use. If you still need DG’s personal opinion and learn skills to handle the adult bullies please contact her on gmail and please know it is a paid service.
      DG

      Like

      • caty November 3, 2012 at p11 #

        Hi Desi Girl, It is also very well commented that no matter how much I do for in-laws but they will still find faults in me and they will never be satisfied. Even if I blindly obey them to whatsoever fault they find in me still they will find more and more faults in the same very issue. So its a never ending process. And when their turn comes they are free to do whatever they want to do without caring for others. Like my co-sister complains about me that I do not talk to her, call her kids, telephoned her, dress in my casuals etc. to my in-laws and husband who in turn fight with me.My co-sister is very watchful to find out any fault in me. I always reply that I try to do my best in whatever I can every time. On hearing this my husband says that I did not do anything for his elder brother and co-sister. Further on I keep quite and when I am quite they take my silence as my acceptance. I do not know what to say or what to do. Also my co-sister has damaged the relationship with my husband to such an extent that it is at the point of no return. I even try to make my husband understand but my co-sister has hypnotized everyone in the house even my husband who trusts her. And they all say that she is always right.

        Like

    • desibahu February 28, 2013 at p02 #

      i thought i was reading my own post lol.
      i was where you are few years back.
      first thing is to find a way to live away from those people.
      i had to fight with my husband, and it was hard at first, but it was worth it.
      it is better to be away from that lady than to waste your whole life trying to be a good wife/daughter in law/please those people who will continue to misbehave with you. i tried. i loved my husband. i was an easy target for my husbands brothers wife. i was young, naive, trying to please my husband and in laws and she played the same game with me. she picked on me and turned everyone against me.
      once you have children, she will pick on your children, be jealous of them, turn everyone against them.
      in my experience, once a man starts admiring a woman for any reason, do whatever you want to open his eyes about her true character, it will never work. hewill continue to be under her charm/spell. since he admires his brother and his wife for watever crap exaggerated sacrifices, his behavior is showing that. in my case it was painful because she would put on one act in front of my husband and treat me differently and my own husband would not believe me about her but say that she could not do or say such a thing. it was very painful to reveal something about her to my husband at a time when the doctors were telling me that i could die any minute, and my own husband saying that it could not be true. she cannot do that.
      get away from them. and convince your husband for couselling. it might cost money, but it might also save you years of future pain.i know you are crying, you are hurt, and you are in pain. don’t let her garbage take over her life. thats her game, let her play it. you need to get counseling, get away from her, and think about your life and what you want to acheive with it. if you dont have kids yet, there is no hurry in such a situation. dont bring kids into a mess. take time to think about what you want in life, and fix the mess before bringing kids into it. if you cannot help yourself right now, how will you help your babies? and if you have babies, then move away. do what you have to but move away.

      Like

      • desibahu February 28, 2013 at p02 #

        i meant dont let her garbage take over your life.

        Like

  49. miel mutuelle October 23, 2012 at p10 #

    Bonjour et bravo pour ce que vous faites

    @miel mutuelle,

    Bienvenue sur GGTS, un espace de sécurité,
    S’il vous plaît partagez ce message d’espoir à tous ceux qui peuvent en bénéficier.
    Paix,
    Desi Girl

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

From the wet market

Mostly vegetarian meals from Asia

****आयुर्वेद : आयुष**** ई०टी०जी० आयुर्वेदास्कैन ****AYURVEDA : E.T.G. AyurvedaScan **** ****आयुष आविष्कार**** ई० एच० जी० ****होम्योपैथीस्कैन **** E.H.G. Homoeopathy Scan

AYUSH means A.Y.U.S.H. य़ानी Ayurveda + Yoga & Nature Cure + Unani +Sidhdha + Homoeopathy ; आयुष पान्च चिकित्सा विधियो को मिलाकर एक टर्म बना दिया गया है , जिसका मतलब [१] A word से आयुर्वेद [२] Y word से योग और प्राकृतिक चिकित्सा [३] U word से यूनानी चिकित्सा [४] S word से सिध्ध चिकित्सा [५] H word से होम्योपैथी चिकित्सा ; आयुर्वेद के अलावा भारत में आविष्कार की गयी और भारत सरकार द्वारा परीक्षित की जा चुकी मान्यता प्राप्त विश्व की पहली और अकेली आयुर्वेद की शत-प्रतिशत पूर्णतया स्वदेशी तकनीक "इलेक्ट्रो त्रिदोष ग्राफी : ई०टी०जी० आयुर्वेदास्कैन " , जिसका आविष्कार जून, १९८६ में कानपुर शहर, उत्तर प्रदेश, भारत के आयुष चिकित्सा वैग्यानिक डा० देश बन्धु बाजपेयी - मोबाइल: 09336238994 - e.mail : drdbbajpai@gmail.com द्वारा किया गया और जिसका लगातार विकास कार्य जारी है / E.T.G.A.S. तकनीक द्वारा (1) आयुर्वेद के मौलिक सिध्धान्तों का स्टेटस क्वान्टीफाई करने और इसी तकनीक द्वारा (2) शरीर के सभी अन्गों और प्रत्यन्गॊ में व्याप्त समस्त रोगों के निदान ग्यान की वैग्यानिक aproach की जानकारी कराने और सबसे नवीन दूसरी आविष्कार की गयी निदान और रोग ग्यान तक्नीक आयुर्वेदा थर्मों ग्राफी ; आयुर्वेदा ऊष्मा-स्कैन ; आयुर्वेदा थेर्मल मैपिन्ग एवम स्कैनिन्ग के अलावा आयुर्वेद की अन्य की गयी खोजों में तीसरी खोज ”आयुर्वेद हीमो-मीटर मशीन” द्वारा रोगी के रक्त का परीक्षण करके आयुर्वेद के सिध्ध्न्तों का मूल्यान्कन तथा चौथी खोज रोगी के पेशाब / मूत्र का ”आयुर्वेद यूरीनो-मीटर” द्वारा परीक्षण करके आयुर्वेद के सिध्धान्तो की उपस्तिथि के अलावा मूत्र के अन्दर पाये जाने वाले पदार्थों का विष्लेषण करके रोग निदान की विधियों की खोज रिसर्च सेन्टर द्वारा कर ली गयी है और रोगियों के लिये उपलब्ध करा दी गयी है ...आयुष AYUSH चिकित्सा विधियों के बारे में विश्वसनीय और सटीक और अचूक और सही जानकारी और शोध पूर्ण और शोध युक्त ग्यान बोध कराने वाला द्विभाषीय चिठ्ठा ...................................Ayurveda and AYUSH Therapies including Chines Accupunctur, Magnet Therapy,Physiotherapy etc and with this in June, 1986, invented by KANPUR, Uttar Pradesh State, INDIA based AYUSH Medical Scientist Dr. Desh Bandhu Bajpai - Mobile : 09336238994 - e.mail: drdbbajpai@gmail.com , completely indeginous AYURVEDA SCANNING Technology - "Electro Tridosha Graphy ; E.T.G.AyurvedaScan " system, EXAMINED & APPROVED BY GOVERNMENT OF INDIA , by which (a) status of Ayurvedic Fundamentals are quantified and (b) examinaton of whole body for diagnosis of presence of anomalies and ailments , Second scanning system of Ayurveda Discovered and Invented by Dr. D.B.Bajpai ; Ayurveda Thermal Mapping and Scanning , Other research in Ayurveda is Third one which analysis Blood by AYURVEDA HEAMO-METER devise and Fourth one is AYURVEDA URINO-METER for analysing the contents of urine and status quantification of Ayurveda Principles and is avalable for patient in our research center...... provides information about Research and Developments technology provider , authenticated subject material publisher, Bilingual Hindi and English informer Blog

LOKSANGHARSHA

जनसंघर्ष को समर्पित

Talking to the Wall

Posting about this and that :)

Surviving Traumatic Brain Injury

TBI - Survivors, Caregivers, Family, and Friends

The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

My life and everything that touches it....

"कुरुक्षेत्र"

मेरे विचारो का

समाजवादी जनपरिषद

वैश्वीकरण विरोध हेतु

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

W.S.S.A @ UWindsor

Women's Studies Student Association @ University of Windsor, Ontario

Shafiq Ur Rahman Khan

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Beyond The Second Sex (स्त्रीविमर्श)

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

नारी , NAARI

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Sparsh

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

Zerqa Abid

Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

%d bloggers like this: