“I find dealing with my in-laws (my husband’s parents and sisters) very difficult, because they have to know about everything that’s happening in our lives. They have never really liked me or my family and have gone out of their way to cause trouble between my husband and myself. Trouble is, I feel that my husband never stands up for me…what should I do? If anyone has faced such things please do let me know what I can do… I’m desperate!!” www.desilot.com
This piece is the motivatation behind the creation of this page because the solutions offered did not sound peaceful. They were coming from a place of anger and bitterness. Here we believe bitterness begets bitterness. To claim happiness and joy one has to sow seeds of peace.
FACTS
- This is a clear case of boundary invasion. Your conjugal kin do not have a concept of boundaries and privacy of a married couple. For them participating in your life is may be in their understanding a gesture of love.
- It is your spouse’s duty to set boundaries with them but he is afraid of offending them. If he tries to set the boundaries his family is likely to accuse him excluding them from his life and disloyalty.
- If your in-laws reject you or dislike you they are likely to be disrespectful towards your family too.
- Their dislike has got nothing to do with you; no matter who he was with they would find some fault in that person.
- If they are waging verbal and emotional attacks at you ideally it is his responsibility to protect you from the attacks of his family because he has a history with them, he knows their whims, fancies and triggers. But the fact is he does not know how to stand for you because if he does he’ll not only be accused of disloyalty but a great drama will follow. He is afraid of facing this drama. For him his best option is to let you struggle with it. And also it is easier to blame you than stand up and confront his parents and siblings.
- It is easy for him to stay out of it by saying “it is between you women.” There are two kinds of dramas:
a) Dramas that happen in his presence, his mother and sisters may complain about you to him. Like you said something nasty to them in his absence.
b) Dramas that happen in his absence, his mother and sister will make snide remarks about you in his absence and act lovingly towards you in his presence or they’ll do nothing all day and when he is around they’ll act as if they have been working all day.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
- Focus your energy on improving your relationship with your spouse. Tell him you want to know what makes his family unhappy with you. Assert you do not want him to do the talking. You would like to speak to them directly in his presence. Never do this in his absence because it creates many opportunities for back biting and manipulations.
- Never have all his family members for such a conversation at the same place and same time. Deal with each member one at a time. If you have them as a collective they’ll fortify against you and your spouse inspite of his best intentions will not be able to help you, rather will turn against you.
- He’ll be reluctant to arrange such a meeting because he is equally afraid of his family and ensuing drama. Be prepared such a meeting can turn into drama and shouting match because you are asking the dominant party to change the terms of the game and give up some of their territorial control.
- Go with a nonjudgmental attitude and open mindedness. Begin with asking if you have offended them in any way. Basically, you’re asking what their problem is, in a gentle way. When you talk to them ask for three reasons they are not comfortable with you. Two reasons will be excuses and the third will be closer to the truth.
- Open mindedness mentioned in the previous point means do not expect them to change. People do not change unless they want to change. Do not expect one talk session will make them like you. Keep your expectations realistic. If they did not like you in the beginning they’ll not like you now. Aim this session towards small changes like you’ll call them once a week or you will not pick up the phone after 9pm.
- Be polite, but don’t try to win your in-laws by pleasing them or buying them gifts. Do not get sucked into that traditional wisdom “you can win over people by love and service (seva).”
People do not change because you want them to change. They change because they decide to change. Once you start trying to please their demands will becom unending and abusive. You’ll finish one task according to their fancies they’ll be ready with another. It will never be enough. Set limits for yourself. Such as, you will cook but will not stay up to serve each member when they come home. You will go to your room at Xpm. etc.
- Don’t ask your partner to choose between you and his family this will make him more resentful towards you. Rather tell him you deserve respect and you do not want to be somewhere you are not respected. It is your right to protect yourself from emotional attacks. Tell him “When you do not support me/ listen to me I feel as if I do not matter. It hurts my feelings/It makes me angry.” Focus on your feelings. Tell your partner as he respects his parents and family so you do. It hurts your feelings when his family insults your parents/family.
- Are you happy in this relationship? Decide can you live with this kind of resentment for rest of your life? If you are seriously upset or bothered by your-in-laws’ interference and accusations, and if it’s causing conflict in your relationship with your spouse, then you need to decide what you can do about it. Seek professional help.
Suggest your partner to seek couple’s counseling. If he does not want to come with you it is a choice he’ll make. You should go on your own. Before you can regain control over your life you have to heal yourself.
- Remember that you can’t change anyone but yourself. You have already changed you go around you life hurt and wounded, angry and resentful. Ask your self is this how you want to live rest of your life? If no, then don’t ask or expect your spouse and his parents to think differently.
Once you have expressed your feelings about how you are being treated/mistreated and after you have asked what you did to cause his family to treat you this way, you need to let it go. Let them be who they are.
If they are not ready to accept you for who you are for your own peace accept them for who they are even if they are bitter sad people.
GGTS is DG’s personal blog it is not a forum where other readers pitch in. Each comment is dealt with as sensitively as possible. DG is human. Join DG on FB.
A Desi Girl's Guide to Relationship Survival 
I was supposed to be married by next month and I decided to call off the wedding as it was my ex- fiance’s brother who made even the small decisions. Everything was left to be decided by his brother and mother while he procrastinated taking decisions or remains indecisive about almost everything. To him, his family is everything. And he wanted me to move in with his family and take care of his ailing mother. I suggested getting a home nurse or a maid, but that wouldn’t do. His mom needs special attention. So, I was to give up my future plans and act like a good desi bahu. I walked out of it. Though my parents were supportive of the decision; they kept worrying about me not being married at 28. You are supposed to be having babies at 22 in our place. Somehow parents think a girl should be married whether she likes it or not. But I do not want to be married for all the wrong reasons. When I reflected on my decision, I was wondering if what I did was right after all the advise sessions from friends and relatives. And now reading your blog makes me sure I took the right decision. Like you said in another post, a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. Thanks a lot.
@Sruthy,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Congratulations! for standing up for yourself. Just remember if you won’t stand up for yourself then who will? Don’t be pressured into doing anything you don’t want to. Come the presumed wedding date everyone will be sitting mourning you don’t need that. Take a break get away from family and friends so that you have some alone time to think clearly what to do next.
Stay strong and stay focused.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi
my dad died this year and i live with my inlaws, they havent given me any support, if anything, have made life really hard by telling me i need to do more housework. even though i do lots, its still not enough. my bil has bullied me for 6 years through comments and a couple of really nasty texts this year. my husband and i confronted him and his wife and they just sat there smirking. if my dad was stll alive they wouldnt have the guts to do this to me. i am considering suicide, life feels really hard.
@A Sandhu,
Welcomet to GGTS, a safe space.
Sorry for your loss. Don’t even know how you are dealing with your loss. DG sends you kind thoughts and lots of courage for that is what your dad would have wanted for you.
You are grieving so other problems are getting all mixed up.
So you are living with adult bullies. Is there are way you and husband can move out? At times it is difficult as you may be working for family business. Still there are ways out.
Start getting a voice six years to work as a draft animal is enough.
Make a list of all the work you do in a single day and see how much anyone will pay a hired help to do the same job. Pick and choose your battles and chores. I will do X and I will not do Y. Learn to be assertive.
So these bunch of morons are pushing you to end you life. Is that what your dad will like for you to do?
Tie your boots and get ready for the one big fight. Just remember “no one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you allow them to.”
We feel bad when someone says something mean and bad about us either because it is true or it is untrue. If it is untrue then where is the need to feel bad? Just say, “Oh that is what you think about me?” Good for you because you do not know who I am. I am more than you can see and define. I am a wonderful person who God created for a greater purpose than back biting and playing petty games.”
A lot is going on here. You have to separate issues.
Loss of parent is a life changing event and it is permanent. Deal with it one day at time.
Take care of yourself. Please pay attention to your diet and exercise. Please see a doctor you may be susceptible to clinical depression giving your circumstances and level of stress in your everyday life.
Also remember no parents of adult children live for ever they go when their time comes. You are not a minor that you need protection of your parent to fend off evil. You and your spouse are a team and your safety and mental well being is equally his responsibility.
Suicide is a long term solution to short term problems. At one or another time of our lives many of us have considered this short cut. DG is still here coz’ she did not make it through the short cut but came back half way.
Check these links and browse around GGTS to learn new skills
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
hey A sandhu! My wishes and kind thoughts out to you. i really admire your courage and bravery in dealing with such a stressful situation. not everyone is capable of dealing with it as bravely as you have done. Life my dear can be very hard at times and tests us in umpteen ways. just make sure you hang in there. your dad would want you to be happy and strong and not to buckle before pressure. i know it is easier said than done but dear we only get to live once. stay resolute and follow DG’s suggestions. I am a living embodiment of the benefits of her suggestions. so please hold fast to life and be brave. your troubles will be soon over by the will of Lord
LikeLike
Dear A Sandhu,
First of all, you are very brave, which not many are.
And, you don’t have to punish yourself for others’ fault.
It might sound too cliche yet it’s true that suicide is a permanent solution to temporary set of problems.
There’s gonna be a time when you would feel proud of having fought against the odds bravely and have resisted yourself from giving in to them 🙂
All the best. Keep rocking 🙂
LikeLike
What did you say a suicide? A sucide? Why, just because some how it is not as it should be. have you seen people without eyes, without legs and arms, without ears. And people who can not see, talk and hear. They live because out of all things life is beautiful. God has given it to you and let him only take it. Will your suicide end it all and end it for all. If yes then go ahead and if not then figh it out so that it does not happen to any one else.God has given you power to speak, power to think and power to express. Utilise these faculties better and come up.
I am right these days watching a mental palsy case, she can not move anything except her head. The lady is working, employed in a company. I am proud of her only because she has decided to live.
Do whatever you want , do whenever you desire remember no one can defeat you unless you want to be defeated.
You want to respect your father then be his daughter, dont let any one have guts to do anything non sense to you. Respect your father’s soul and give him happiness and not pain.His soul will be happy only when you have guts like him.
LikeLike
My name is Mrs Rymek, and i live in canada.I have been through hell and pain,When my husband turned against our marriage,and sent me away,and said that he never wanted to see me again,because he was having an affair outside with another woman.I was finally confused,and so many thoughts came to my mind,when a friend finally advice me to go and visit a spell caster.And as i was searching for a spell caster to help, until i found the real and great spell caster @yahoo.com who helped me,and solved all my problems concerning my husband who left me since six months.and after that a friend also complained of her husband too,So i linked her up with the same spell caster who helped me too,and the problem was also solved by the same spell caster @yahoo.com . Whao!! the real and great spell caster is here,all you need to do now is to contact this same address whenever you are in any problem related to spell casting.It took me a very long period of time,before i could get this real and great spell caster.So right now Dr. Zuma is here,and the best for you to solve your problems that is bothering your mind..
Finally,thanks to @yahoo.com for bringing joy to my family…
Long live Dr. Zuma
Thanks…..
@rymek,
Welcome GGTS, a safe place.
When the humanity is ready to step on Mars you are making round to voodoo doctors, you are really on the right path just keep treading. Just leave GGTS and readers alone. You think you are very smart to type the email id thrice in the body of the text will slip DG’s sight?
Anyway thank you for visiting and keep holding on to what you ever you have salvaged.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
PS. On buying the protection issue, I have always been the one who buys it. Whether it’s the pill or condoms, the husband is “too shy” and I have no shame when it comes to sourcing the things that protect me and offer me safety.
I wonder if this is common as well?
LikeLike
Yes, DG, I agree with you but we both know there’s no reasoning with an abuser who is also a narc (impossible combination, really).
There’s a lot of details that I have not included on my earlier post, those are very specific details regarding my current situation and I think DG would understand why details on the internet are not a good idea. However, I am safe and not currently living with the abuser, so there’s is little chance of him messing with pills etc., I’m independent and responsible for my own happiness which I enjoy.
There is stress, yes and a lot of things which I need to take care of, for myself. I know what I need to do, but I don’t want to pressurize myself into it. I’ve been pressured so much for every little thing in these past few years that that’s the one thing I don’t want to do to myself. It looks like inertia from the outside, but on the inside, I have greater clarity and detachment every day and for someone who has really cared for this man, it is important for me to completely detach before I leave or I will get sucked back in, as I have been several times in the past.
I’ve also been fortunate in that I found a lot of resources from Patricia Evans, Susan Forward and Lundy Bancroft including some great support groups and those have helped tremendously. But nothing is quite so Indian-ised and bang-on contextually as this place and for this too, I am grateful.
Thank you, for responding earlier.
LikeLike
I’ve been forced to reduce contact with my in-laws to barely a phone call every few weeks, at best. More than that, I see them for a day at best when I go to visit my parents on leave from work.
The fact is, the way they’ve behaved and acted, even this much contact is too much. And although, I’ve done everything to look at their better side and hope that age and wisdom will prevail, I’ve realized that in a dysfunctional family atmosphere, it is foolish to expect and hope for anything other than sheer dysfunction to show through.
Has it been easy? Well, no. Safe to say that most of the things that brought me to this point have been caused by MIL, SIL and husband himself. I’ve taken the step of letting him go ahead and enjoy his time with them, but without me. I cannot handle them for more than a few days together and have seen several examples which have proved time and time again that even though there may not be any reason at all for conflict, they will find a way to create unpleasantness.
Probably makes me a very bad and mal-adjusted wife but my peace of mind is far more valuable than their dramatic nonsense which, since they’re a dysfunctional lot in themselves is now directed at me as the new scapegoat.
I never really expected too much from them to feel disappointed but I am sickened by the sense of entitlement. Plus, I’m a firm believer in the fact that if staying away from each other and interacting in a limited manner keeps everyone happier as opposed to living together and ganging up on one person and making them utterly miserable, then it’s ok to choose that. Granted, it doesn’t solve the issue (I doubt at 60+ years of ingrained thoughts and orthodox beliefs will change by way of any discussion anyway) but it no longer remains a pain in the neck anymore either.
There is one thing though, that I am dealing with now and I could really use perspective on:
The husband wants to have children. I don’t. Simply because I don’t think our personal dynamic is good enough to bring a child into. I have other reasons but this is the fundamental reason that everything comes down to. I don’t want to raise a child in a dysfunctional family. To the husband family = parents and sister. They’re priority no. 1, he has to take care of them, look after them, etc., which is all also fine. The issue I have trouble with, is that, he claims HE will raise the child, I should just pop one out. And, his raising the child means his mom and sister will take care of our child, I can be damned, leave, work, do what I want, he won’t care. Secondary reason for having kids is that all his friends are having kids.
He has also proposed that we adopt or use a surrogate mother to have a child whom he can (surrogately have raised by his mother and sister) raise. I don’t get it. He has been abusive verbally and emotionally, is extremely vindictive and at some point I think narcissism runs in their family. WHY would I want to have children in this scenario? It’s not like I don’t want them but according to him at one time, I would make the world’s worst mother, there’s no better mom than his and if we ever had kids, he’d want not me, but her, to raise them. If we have kids, he didn’t want them to be like me at all and to only be like him. Also, I am not the kind of woman any man on this planet will ever want to have a family with.
Okay, so having seen and heard this crap and realized that I will be okay not having children, I GAVE UP on the idea of motherhood. Sure, like everyone else, I feel sad and deprived but I would rather spare the child than be so selfish as to bring a child in this world and put them through such traumatic childhood experiences. Part of me feels guilty sometimes that I am depriving him but then, I realize what my life will become if we have children and I don’t raise them as per his standards.
But the thing is, the MIL and husband are constant pushing me to have kids. It’s like they just don’t understand on the MIL’s part that this is not her issue to butt into. Honestly, she’s so far told me I need psychiatric help as well. WHY in the world would they want someone who they think is a stark raving lunatic to have their child/grandchild.
As for the husband, there’s such a huge disconnect between understanding that actions result in consequences that it’s frustrating and very scary.
I know this isn’t all the details but any perspective would be great.
Thanks!
@Far from ideal,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Glad you felt confident that DG or some reader would give you a perspective.
Here are DG’s 2 cents:
You said:
1. “To the husband family = parents and sister. They’re priority no. 1, he has to take care of them, look after them, etc.,”
Do not consider CAPS as yelling at you. DG is tech challenged and did not know how to color code her comment for differentiation.
WHY DOESN’T IT SURPRISE DG? OH THAT GOD FORSAKEN NOW EX SAID THE EXACT SAME WORDS. SO YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST TO HEAR THEM. HE ALSO SAID, “I WANT TO FULFILL MY MOTHER AND SISTER’S DESIRES.” SO DG WAS JUST THERE TO ASSUAGE HIS NEEDS AND ASSIST HIM IN HIS WORSHIP OF THESE GODDESSES.”
2. ” He has been abusive verbally and emotionally, is extremely vindictive…”
SO WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU STILL IN THIS SO CALLED MARRIAGE? WAITING FOR PHYSICAL VIOLENCE TO ENSUE?
Yours is not a unique situation DG has been there and done that. Use protection and buy it your self coz’ these vindictive guys will temper with it. To have a child with someone one (at least DG) ought to respect them enough to have them around her child for rest of her life. This is one reason she did not have a child in that marriage.
If this perspective is enough or you need more of DG’s brutal truth sista? You asked for it.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
ok so maybe my MIL is as bad a yours Far from ideal. But never the less , she is still annoying and distructive im my marraige .
she gets bouts of despressions and so therefore she is ILL !! today i was a bit busy , so was unable to take meals to her room , she came downstairs and started saying it is not enough to ask how I am you should make me something to eat . Which i would and have been doing for the last 6 years , but not anymore , firstly she is only ill when it suits her and somehow she will find the energy to shop for 5 hours even when she is supposed to be ill .
I wouldnt ever want to reduce contact with her ever m no matter how bad things get, far from ideal> although i understand you may not have any other choice .
I want her to be a big part in my sons life , maybe jujst not a big part in my life … lol
any way , today as soon as my DH cam home, she somehow developes a violent cough, she has been fine all day ladies …
and she has done this before , as soon as my DH comes home she pretends to be ill. my DH doesnt see it , I think he has been emotionally damadged over the years , by seeing her mother been mistreated by her in laws.
I guess i dont really want to live with her any more , but what can i do.
LikeLike
Hi Sara,
I’m sorry to hear you’re having a hard time too. As far as my MIL is concerned, I really don’t know what she’s all about. I know she’s had an abusive husband too (FIL is two steps behind H in terms of vindictiveness and bad behavior, I couldn’t possibly begin to narrate tales of his craziness here) and at some point she mentioned to me that her husband treats her that way as well…I’ve always been a little fearless in terms of talking back so I told her that I’ve not seen my father treat my mother badly and neither would she take it from him (and she hasn’t) and that’s the example I will go with.
It is also surprising to me that the very same rules do not apply for the SIL and she had a bad marriage – her MIL said the same thing to her about treatment from her husband and that was utterly unacceptable.
I’ve had words with her. I would not live with them if it meant the husband divorcing me. There was something that felt odd from the moment that I stepped into their home after the doli. Something that felt changed from the times I had been there before and not been able to see. It was a shock, honestly.
I’ve been asked plenty of questions and made to feel small by a lot of people around me for not doing too much for them, etc., etc., but the truth is, like my MIL told me once, that I am her DIL, not her daughter. So, I’m not afraid to say in return, that yes, you are not my mother so don’t expect the same kind of love and affection and sense of belonging that I feel for my mom. As it is, it’s not as if their son has been a great husband and he feels like his attitude and behavior is acceptable because the entire family behaves the same way and his parents don’t see anything wrong with it. I’m the bad guy because unlike his mom (who now complains that FIL has completely driven her crazy after all these years – but the husband doesn’t think that’s a serious thing, it’s just one of those things that his mom says), I refuse to put up with his crazymaking tactics.
I hope your husband is a better man.
LikeLike
Also, I’m just not into the idea of having children with H. Even if we did, I’m sure you have your reasons but I would want my MIL to have as little contact with my kids as possible.
I’m living with the disaster called her son, I don’t need more proof of bad parenting and influence and I would certainly not want my children to grow up differentiated between genders and given preferential treatment etc., etc. I shudder to even consider the possibility. Not to mention the added pressure they would put on me to meet them and interact with them more often.
Perhaps, it is not fair to keep children from their grandparents. Once or twice a year for a couple of days is more than enough but really, their idea of raising children added to my husbands opinion of things, and my own ridiculously dramatic experiences of nothing turned into stormy skies have made me quite certain that distant is the way to be.
Many people have advised that they will accept me once I have kids and my bonds with them will grow stronger etc., but really? I find all of that a bunch of faf. At their age, I think they need to distinctively realize that if they’re incapable of behaving like sane adults, I’m not going to grovel and placate their senile egos.
Respect is about behavior, not age. Something that the husband and I will ALWAYS disagree on.
@Far from Ideal,
Same Pinch Sista. It doesn’t surprise DG an iota coz’ exactly same dialogues she heard and same response she gave to him. So just know you are not alone or the first one coming to this decision. Also remember apple doesn’t fall from the tree we become our own parents that has been DG’s bete noir. Just imagine your spouse becoming his own parent, what a disaster for a child. Follow your heart it will tell you what is right.
Peace,
DG
LikeLike
Help ! my MIL is driving me crazy ! i Have been married for 6 years now , for the first two years my DH and I lived in a house across the street from My MIL , so that we could look after her and be close to her , then in the second year we moved in to save the bills and costs of running two house holds,
It was fine for the first 5 years , up untill last year when i had a baby I just havent been able to cope with my MIL and her habits , she drives me crazy , I think i didnt notice or care much because i would be at work all day and 3 evenings out of a week i would be out with friend or my DH . but now I dont work and have a baby , i dont have the money or time to go out and I am at home all day with her , She rarely goes any where to stay so we spend a lot of time together in the house . Although she did go away to her sisters house for 3 months and it was bliss !!!! as soon as she cam back , it was hell again .
I dont know what to do any more , ihave tried many tactics , and nothing seems to help me be more positive about my life. I get so annoyed with her that I even have thoughts of leaving my husband and child just to get away from her .
I mainly get annoyed because of her habits and her sytem on everything !!! If im in the kitchen she will give me running commentry on everything im doing ! even if it something as trivial as cutting salad!! lol honestly im not joking !
Also she puts pressure on my relationship with my DH becuase of the way she is.
She will be fine all day , then when its time for my DH to come home , she will the most ill person on the planet , and as soon as he walks throught the door she will call him upstairs .
She pretands to be be ill, i know this for a fact becuase she is as strong as a fox when she wants to do something ,
Couple of years ago she said she was getting mini heart attacks, as soon as she has a endiogram and doc said she is fine, just a bit enjina , now her heart is fine !
Her system and her needs takes up so much of my and my Dhs time , that its makes me misareble .
I would like to move out , but we cant really afford it , and she will still need to live with us , so whats the point any way .
She makes comments on eveything , it drives me mad !!! does everything i do require intructions? Dont know what to do anymore becuase it is cuasing damage to our relationship .
Also she loves to help random ppl by letting them stay in the house , we live in a tiny 3 bed house , and just lets anyone stay who might help , i mean anyone , not reletives m just ppl she may have met last week, this causes so much upset in the house . the thing is she has depression and can not make proper desicions, but she also incharge of this house , eveen thougth we pay all the bills.we pay for the cars and of anything needs fixing , becuase she couldnt save money to save her life.
Ppl use her and she doesnt realise , the thing is i wouldnt care but when there are ppl living in the house it effects me too , im the one that as to cook and clean most of the time , although she does a lot too, but then she creates extra work cause she has ocd
When she has her bouts of derpression , it is really hard, once i came home from work and she had made 10 cakes , i kid you not , to be honest , im not bothered by that, but its me that has to clean up and taker her breakfats dinner and in bed when she exausts her self .why do something if its os going to make you ill ?
any advise anyone ?
@Sara123,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Just know you are not the 1st to go through this and won’t be the last. What traits of your MIL you described were exhibited by my mom’s MIL i.e., my paternal grandmother. Then DG’s MIL exhibited the same symptoms these are common traits of a disease called insecurity and manipulation and idiots like DHs rather D**k H**ds don’t understand them coz’ they are trained to treat them as death like situation.
Just browse around GGTS and you’ll find numerous posts on this issue and disease.
Now about her making comments read this
No matter what doctor you’ll take her to they’ll find nothing wrong with her coz’ it is in her head and a choice she is making. May be she is suffering from clinical depression and needs proper diagnosis and medication.
Just stay strong and tell her you know how to do the tasks or she can write the instructions for you and post them on the refrigerator for you to read and follow as you do not want her running commentary. That should get message across or if you need further help please write to DG it is a paid service.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
Desi girl … Thanks for the advise about the stickers on the fridge , but boy is that the wrong thing to do, my MIL would go mad !! he he not that is not going to work , i think i have finally convince my DH that we need to move out at some point !
I had a nice break away for a few days from my MIL , and next week might go and stay with my mum and dads house , I think we need a break away from each other lol , also ive been taking anti depression tablets .. dont stress , they are very small dose , but i think they are working, as i dont seem to be as tearfull and feel a lot more positive about my future , maybe its the placebo affect .
The things is my and my DH had a great marraige till i got pregant and had a baby, cause it was the first time in my married life im home all day with my MIL . I think she is basically a control freak , and that why me and DH are finding it difficult .
Also i have some issues about my self such as my weight , which all just builds up and I cant cope anymore , I joined weight watchers .. lets see . Ive been very slim all my life and cant stand been a bit fat .
Who ever put that post up about spell casters should be banned from this blog!! what a load of rubbish , they are trying to advertise their own company and exploiting women like us , who feel like we have no choice but to use spell casting .
LikeLike
Hi girls….
I want to say I understand you all, and what you are going through… I am going through similar issues with my mil, and it amazes me, how these women can treat other women in such a manner…
Like a lot of you here, my in-laws were super nice, but all that changed when we got engaged… there were a few times, when i doubted if this was a faily for me… but obviously… thought things would get better… it hasn’t….
they have double standards.. and thats what bothers me the most… and they are always ready to point fingers at me, or my mum…. i have since stopped talking to my in-laws.. and i guess this is only possible since we don’t live in the same house…
My husband at times feels torn, however, i have made it clear, that we all deserve some respect, and i am not asking to be treated like a princess, but treat me like a human being…. i am not below them, to be talked to in such a manner…
I just want to say…. keep your head held high.. know that you are right.. and if you are.. fight for what is right….
XO
@Janani,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Glad it worked out for you to stand up for your self. At times it is important we build a wall to protect ourselves, stop talking to aggressor is one way but it cannot be sustained for long though some people do stick to their resolve. It is a good idea to build strong sense of boundaries over time may be you’ll start talking to them again.
The truth is we teach people how to treat us.
Thank you for sharing and supporting other women.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
hello dg,
thanks for replying i was eagerly w8ng for ur reply……i knew my last post was hard to understand as i wrote it in the darkness ….n made so many mistakess…..sorry for cnsumng ur time…..dear dg,i have gone through many post of urs n i found solutions of sm of my problems…..n i have become regular visitor of your blog……”thumbs up” for ths blog….it’s really really making diffrence to sm suffering ladies here n mine too…….u have helped me n other people in many ways…..u have made me to understand situation n analyse the situations in many more ways…..thanks dg….
dg there is a problem of whch i still have nt found any solution…….plz help me to sort out ths…..
dg as i told u before…..bt i am mentioning again so tht u understand my situation well n can reach to a conclusion which is not biased….(i mean i don’t know if i am doing smthng wrong or taking things in a wrong way)
dg,we r 6 members in the family at my in laws side…..including me ,my husband,my father in law,mother in law,and 2 sister in laws……..dg 8 years before….my father in law got stuck in some official issue….with his senior officials so they messed up wth lot’s of things ending into my father in law filed case against their higher officials n the government organisation where he was working…..after that he was forced to take the voulantry retirment….and he took tht bt he didn’t take the retirment fund whch is gvn after the retirment and he didn’t take the salary n the pension…..due to the case…..he is still continueing wth the case n fighting for the judgment…..bt due to all ths thng his family went through from a financial crisis…due to whch my husband had to leave his studies even after gtng selected in the one of the top managment colleges of india……n he started wrkng hard n really hard to handle the situation…n due to ths crisis my sis in laws also didn’t get married….
dg one more thng i would like to mention here tht we have to home 1 in delhi whch has only two rooms(me,my husband and elder siter lives in delhi n rest in alwar) and 1 in alwar whch is really huge……
ths was the past now we cm tho the present….
dg,igot married 8 months before mine marg was love marg with the approval of my parents(dg i come from a family where my father is highly posted government officer n my mother is also a very active person in social wrk ….i was the princess of my family….initially my family had a prb wth ths marg as my husband was the only earning person in the family n he has the responsblity of two sisters who were unmarried…bt thn coz of my happiness n thn they were sure abt my bf sincerity towrds me n sincerity towards his job they decided us to get married)……….n my husband is really lvng really carng……bt dg now his family has started having issues with me…..n i have become very upset with it……i have all general problems which u have mentioned in dealing with in laws….but there is one more problem which is diff from them.
dear dg,my topmost problem is my eldest sister in law……..starting with she is the leading lady of our house…..firstly or mostly she interferes in everything when i got back from our honeymoon…she asked me to sleep in her room rather then asking me to sleep in my bedroom….she made me sleep in her room for more then a month….giving me so many excuses that inside the bed is small….now the panchaks r going on ….can’t shift the bed then vaastu n etc etc…..but then i decided to sleep in my bedroom n shifted in that….but then again she didn’t allowed us to shut the door,not even to pull the curtain…..n in early morning she used to enter in the room without knocking for some random work….while we kept sleeping(same thing with my younger sister in law n mother in law.they also used to enter in room early morning while we r sleeping)…n after my husband goes to office she used to remain in my room for whole day watching t.v n then sleeping there only in noon….watching t.v in evening again….she used to left the room in night only for sleep…n till now she is doing the same thing….SHE IS HIGHLY INTERFERING IN MY PRIVACY,
secondly the money matter ….my husband give the salary to her….for the daily expenses…..so if i need something i have to ask her …it’s she who will decide whether i need it or not if she feels i need it she will get that for me…if she don’t then she ignores…..dg i really feel bad about it….i have got a big self respect i really never liked to ask for anything….i told this my husband then he said u r all about”me”wat’s the problem in asking??????”….”ok if u don’t want to ask her.. u can ask me”….but here again the problem is same they treat me like some child who has to ask for small n big things……
thirdly….dg she is very orthodox…..when i was new i was told that they r very modern(as they knew i belong to a family which is very modern n very social n now i have realised that whole family other then my husband is really conservative they r not open to anyone they never socialise they just remain in their homes they never meet anyone in fact they say… if they can control my husband n if they have money… they will not let him do the job….no one of them wants to work n go outside the home…they r scared of so many illogical n unknown things…. they even never let us go for some party or dinner sometimes until n unless my husband has to fight for it…or if there is sm imp meeting or party….initially they used to say they r not orthodox…. u don’t need to take pallu, u talk to your father in law they will treat u like daughter…..n i followed them but then my mother in law….started complaining me for not taking pallu they accused me for not respecting them by not doing so…my mother in law is a nice person but in front of relatives she always accuse me for so many things(never in alone)…..sometimes they make the situation so untolerable which leaves me feeling very insulted in front of relatives…n my sister in law teaches her….and accompanies her.
dg my sister in law keep poisoning everybody including my husband against me on my back….my husband never said anything but when we get into some argument n the environment get heat up then he blame me u do this or that…then i got to know, that he is being told this…..when my parents came for the first time she poisoned her mother n sister against me for no reason ACTUALLY NO REASON!!!!!!!! leading to all of them(other then my husband) suddenly stopped talking to me n they made faces in front of my mom she didn’t she was clever enough to manipulate others… she remained or she pretended to be normal….my mom got really hurt with this….my in laws have visited “my home”so many times n every time my parents had treated them really really well….so this was not expected…..
dg all in all she does every bad thing that she can do…she is the directing one…. n the whole family follow her directions….. be it anyone…..if she says this is good everything becomes good in next instant if she says this is bad everything becomes bad…
dg she is big drama…when we 3 live alone in delhi then we together do all house hold work….. asa her younger sister arrives she gets ill leaving all work for her n me…..she creates emotional drama of being seriously ill….n every one becomes so concerned…i also get ill sometimes,, got burnt once too but no one was that much concerned other thn my husband……
dg all in all she is a real big problem to me in every ways…once i asked my husband can’t she live in alwar both denied saying she don’t like being in alwar….dg…does that mean she will keep doing this for whole life…..?????whole life they will treat me like a kid…..whole life i’ll not be given any rights….i have no rights….no privacy,no financial rights,no right for sleeping in my room without any interferance or anything personal,she has all the gold given by the in laws,i can’t do anything without her permission….she is 41 now dg i want her to get married n my younger sister in law too not only because they r troubling me…but also because everyone needs a partner in their later lives…..but then my father in law is not taking any interest…he is extremely careless person n very casual about everything…..he says they r not burden on you…..i have enough for them….but i say what he has for them my husband is the only earning person……he earns well but there r hell expenses the “heavy medical expenses “then the lawyers fees…..then every next week they keep travelling between alwar delhi….the train fares….n the household things..sending money to alwar for rest of them too to run the alwar house also…n lastly we left with no savings…..dg till what time i have to tolerate this…what is the solution for this….i even asked my papa to help us my parents r ready to help by helping them in selling some of their property so the we can get cash for both sister in laws wedding but again my father in law’s approach is casual ok haan we will do it….we will do….or smtimes panditji has asked for ths mch time have no muhrat…..
thn ….my parents even suggested some rishta but they denied with nonsense excuses that roads r not good in that city….water get fills in heavy rains…etcetc…as if they have to live on roads….i am fed up of every thing dg please help me out n tell me …how to cm out of this crap….my sister in law pretends to be very intelligent but i have seen her decision taking capability…..it is also nonsense…..n upto some extent she has some mental problem also….she lives in some fantasy world far from the reality she talks rubbish….orthodox,she is extremely superstitious with no logic…her superstition is also troubling me a lot…..her superstition are forced on us too…altogether she has made my life hell ….every next day she calls everyone then their relatives also join them leaving no space for me to even sleep in my room some time 10 to 12 members in 2 rooms….she never bothers abt me some time even i don’t get space to sit or sleep…..infact the more i talk about her is less….dg i want both the sisters to get married for their sake for me n my husband sake…..i am so troubled with this thing that i am compromising with every small n big thing….. i was treated like a princess in my home…here i am being treated like a child i have got no right n if i think about increasing my family or kids it’s a BIG NO NO HERE atleast i don’t want my child to suffer…i don’t want my child to compromise i don’t want my child to see the mom being treated like a child….dg i am by profession is a dentist n i want to study further n my husband is really motivating n is ready to help in every possible ways….but this kind of environment is not allowing me to study i don’t have peace of mind how can i study with so many realtives visiting n living in my room ever next day n if not then her watching t.v in my room….. where i go for my study….he is nt ready to understand tht…dg plz help… dg i want to get rid of my elder sister in law she is the main cause of every bad n wrong thing happening with me…..my whole life can’t go like ths….i love my husband a lot n he loves me too but then again because of her every next day we end up fighting…….dg this is some different problem plz help me out i don’t want my realtionshp with my husband to suffer…N I WANT ALL OF MY RIGHTS……
LikeLike
Thanks
Hey dear.i must say samepinch.when u told your pain in this blog.iy is like you are telling my story. Ism living with my in laws n they are msking my life hell.dometimes I thought of killing myself.but my sons love always stopped me.all I can say is that.may god help you.iam going through the same situation with my SIL n MIL.n its like its nvr going to end.but m just dealing with it wid a big smile on my face.coz I know my tears will make them happy.i sometimes call my friends at home to have good time with them.iam just trying to find small happiness in my life.i dance,do yoga n listen to my fav songs before sleeping.i know I cnt change them but atleast I cn change myself n have my own joy.god bless u.
@vandy,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Please know DG did not share her pain her. This is a glimpse into her past that was bad but is OVER. Now she uses it to support women who find it to be their present.
DG is glad you decided to live and live with a smile on your lips. It is okay to be sad sometime, it is human. Yes, it serves to develop one’s interests and find one’s joy beyond people, places and things.
Stay strong, feel supported.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
Hi All
I got married less than 2 years ago to whom I thought was my soul mate – we were best friends ad together for 8 years before we tied the knot. My wedding was a dream come true. There were a few incidents before the wedding, which made my family question is this right? But since he was the ideal person and the most caring and loving guy I had ever met, we swept these things under the carpet. I lived with his parents and 2 sisters and I knew this was the set up as he is the only son. He always said how it would be just like home from home and how is parents were like his friends and sisters so nice. Shortly after our honeymoon, my husband would always ask r u happy, I want you to be like you are at your mums, free and bossy and make this your home. It took me time as I was a bit shy, although not with him as we were best friends for so long, I just didn’t feel right being dominating or making my mark around the house. His mum was at home all day and would cook. When I get back from work I would either set the table for dinner or make the salad… try and contribute where possible. We had been married for a few months and I was accused or my sister was accused of hiding about an event at a high street fashion store? It didn’t make sense at all, but the issue went on for one whole month. They assumed that me and my sister knew about this event ages ago and didn’t tell his sisters about it. ( It’s a high street chain and I got to know on the internet on the day) so told my sis to go for me. My husband spoke to my mum, questioned me and my sister as his sister was confident that we knew and didn’t tell her. My husbands trust in me started to diminish.
Although there was not any direct issues between my husband and I , his family were not 100% warm towards me,I always was told by my parents this is your real family and always put them first. My husband just wanted there to be happiness all round, and with the right balance that would have worked. He wanted to see me hapy and his family. I never disrespected his parents, but If I did have a difference of opinion it was regarded as me responding back to my mother in law!! If this was home from home then I too would say the same to my own mum.
As I was recently married, and wanted to protect my new life, I requested my sister in laws to keep it limited with some extended members of my family ( who I wasn’t overtly close with) and in general just didn’t really want anyone prying in my married life or in my inlaws. I am a private person. But unfortunately my SIL’s didn’t listen and became close with the extended family girls and in a way were doing things deliberatly which I didn’t find nice or necessary to do. From their perspective they didn’t see anything wrong with my extended family girls and therefore didn’t want to limit and wanted to get closer and closer and closer. To ensure there was no impact on my relationship or any misunderstandings arising, my mother also informed my cousins to keep it limited for which they said they totally understand and in fact said since they were girls too they totally understood to avoid anything happening they understood to keep it cool. But things just got worse, so I let it be.
Then another designer event took place and I told my sis to pick up an item I knew my SIL liked. When I got home, my SIL had already bought it for herself and I said, oh I also got it for you. My other SIL didn’t believe me (Even though I have proof) and for 2 weeks was putting comments such as jealousy etc…. And horrible status comments directed at me. We stopped talking and then my husband said its best to clear the air with his sister so I tried but it ended up her going crazy at me ( oh but apparently I provoked her)! She said she doesn’t want anything to do with me. And my husband and FIL were there after, I told by husband that look at the way she is talking to me but he didn’t say anything then and my FIL said that I kept provoking is daughter ( Note no one is supporting me)
2 days later me and hubby are called into his parents room and they have said they havent slept etc and its impacting everyone.. How my MIL didn’t sleep all night and the best decision is for me to go back to my mums for a week!! My husband didn’t support me and I had to plead 10 times that this is an issue in this house, why do I need to go back to my mums?? I’ll stay in a hotel but am not going to my mums. My FIL said they had big business projects and he didn’t want this to impact his son. All the blame was on me. How its all my fault and his mum said what will happen when we are not around and what will happen to her daughters, then my hubby immediately spoke out and said nothing would happen to his sisters and no one would get in the way. So he kept quiet ( although when we are in our own room he would hug me so tightly and say he would protect me, how much he loves me etc) but when he would step out he wouldn’t even say a word!
He has never ever stood up for me and he says that how can he stand up for what is wrong ( if he sides with me he is not making me a better person).. So is his sister walking into my room with a list of items her and the family have given me over the last 2 years, demanding them all back – the right thing to do!! – she came into my room with a list of 12-15 items, said I want all these back, and my husband is watching me empty out my wallet and take the items out!!!! – He did not say what are you doing, u cant do that ( cos any normal person who is siding with whats right would do that)
5 months ago, while at work he messaged me to say to go to my mums after work and his family and him were coming round. That evening they insyulted me infront of my entire family. How I answer back to my MIL, I don’t say Good Night every night, I stare out the window when we are in the car. I have bought negativity into the house, I treat this place like a hotel ( I only hoover my room and clean my bathroom). Not once did my husband say anything nice to support me. They left me at my mums for a week he didn’t contact me ( only when I did), This is the same guy who would call me 10 times a day! He had changed completely. He was so rude to my parents and family. He refused to pick me up so my parents dropped me back. He said one more mistake and I am not taking her back. Then when it was just me and him that night in our room he cried and cried and cried and held me so tightly how much he missed me and wouldn’t let me go!!
Well the same thing has happened again 2 months back, he mesaged me at work saying me and my sister have a few things to discuss so go to your mums after work. This time it got heated and he said to my dad he would break his arm his sisters calling me LIAR LIAR, pushing me out of the car, my SIL telling me to call her in the morning to discuss with her, my husband telling me to get out of the car, my other SIL pushing me out!
When they left although I was shocked and amazed at their behaviour and how morally wrong it is I was actually in a sense of relief in a safer envt. This time I didn’t want to go running back, although I called him to meet he refuses to and is so confident I am a liar how my family are liars and intereferd, how mad we are, that’s all he has done insult me constantly. Not once said in the last 2 months he misses me or he wants me back. Just that he will divorce me one second and then following week says me and my family will help you!!!
I have consulted many people and I am going through abuse, and he think I need help.
I love him ( I don’t know why) but he is being brainwashed and I know his family want me out, they have won. Not once has his mum called me, if she cared for me and wanted her sons marriage to work she would be like beta, come on lets sort this out, but no its all been created by his family and the blame is on me.
Just wish people would lte everyone just get on with life. How would they like it if their daughters went through this. We were 2 best friends where now there is no trust. He is not bothered anymore and always said to me I was his world… One thing I have learnt don’t fall into the trap of sweet words. AcTIOns Speak Louder!
He is all for his family, and just pretended I was a part of it. I hope one day he realises.
LikeLike
DG’s blog contains all the information you need to understand abusive relationships and their basic analysis. Also there are ample of tips on how to handle such situations . It’s recommended that you first go through it and then if still need personalized attention you can send her a more structured and preferably grammatically correct email and pay for personalized services. This will save everyone’s time and energy .
LikeLike
I would like to leave a comment about all DIL’s as a husband that is going through difficulties in his own marriage. All relationships start off with great expectations from each other and when those expectations are not fulfilled then the battles begin. For many DIL’s, its a huge emotional change in their lives, they leave their comfortable life from their maternal home and marry a man whom she assumes he loves and respects her, to join his paternal family. When a couple gets married, the respective families get married too, however the expectations are jealously guarded and restraints begin in the forms of control. Who suffers? We ALL do!, DIL’s & MIL’s are on great ego trips and I have read many stories on this Desi Girl site and there are no husbands commenting. I will say one thing, DIL’s are a blessing to their in-laws, to join a family environment whom she has NO knowledge of and perform like a Goddess is nothing less than miraculous, God bless ALL DILs and MILs need to recognise that they were DILs too once…. were they Godesses????. Husbands pay heed, your mother is a Goddess to YOU not your wife, so take control of yourself and not your wife or WE husbands will loose the love of our lives, no-matter how many Desi girls we marry from India. Advise to husbands, take control of your finances and in this day and age MAAPE can look after themselves, let the Buri and Bura have their independence whilst you have yours! It’s the money issue that causes the problems for all of us, search in your hearts and you’ll come to the truth – MONEY!!!
@Raj,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Glad to here it from a man, it is all about MONEY. MAAPE often create this horror in the minds of their sons that they have nothing saved up for old age as they spent all of their provident funds in their education and making the house The truth is if one of them had a job and that too a governement job or a regular job they’ll have a good pension so it will be half of their previous living standards and the son will have to fetch in only 50% not 100% of their bills. Problem arises when he has to shell out 100% he is left nothing much for his wife and kids thus they become resentful and conjugal relationships go down.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
Hi @Sugar Brown,
I am passing through a similar phase which has broken me up. I know this is a very very late post, but I had to post it.
I was with my bf for 7 yrs, when we decided to tell at home. Everyone at my place knew him, but he is so fearful of his parents he never introduced me. They have this big business and he is the only Son after one daughter.
Finally our parents met. His parents asked me to leave my job, and also that they do not want me to work anywhere. NO WORKING. Not even helping in business. They do not want an Independent (financially) woman. They would want me to become a good housewife and DIL. They have cooks so I have to do least work but sit at home and follow his MIL and have fun with him and his SIL.
I am working currently and am very much normally independent. This was shocking for me but after some persuation, I agreed to everything.
Then suddenly my BF’s behaviour changed and he told me that he doesn’t want any fights in his house due to me or us, that I will have to follow his parents like he does.
I agreed to everything. But then after some days, his dad calls my dad and tell him that they don’t want to go ahead because I am not their type and they don’t like me and all that and to Not Contact anyone not even him.
He changed so much that he did not even contact me once after that. I left so many messages where he replied that He cannot go against them and this is over. I am shattered as to How can a 27 year old man become so much weak and not even speak a word.
It will be one month and he has blocked me everywhere, did not even give me full reasoning. His father insulted my dad, my uncle when they tried to explain that 7 years is a long time and not a joke.
I am shocked how a man can change suddenly after such a long time, who told me I an his world and He would do anything for me..We were best friends, and I did everything for us to be together, left my music ventures, did not go to study abroad(even to another city) and so much… I am left speechless and can relate to your story so much…
Thanks a lot DG for creating this site, I stumbled upon this and got to know so much! I am still shattered and don’t know what to do..
LikeLike
Niki,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
DG commiserates with you. If she could do it all over again, she’ll ask for what happened to you (dumped before the wedding) not how it happened to her dumped after 4yrs of courtship and 4yrs of marriage while she was still in the hospital. Yes, she knows it hurts and it hurts so bad that void within feels like a bottomless pit one that will never heal. But as an observer here are few things she noted:
There were red flags all along that your youthful hopefulness and desi social cultural scripts camouflaged for love.
1. 7yrs is too long of a courtship when the other person has denied your existences to his folks.
2. We manifest love and respect when we love and respect ourselves. Every time you, DG and many like us gave upon our core values in the name of love we disrespected ourselves. How could we expect others to respect us.
3. Never invest more than you can you can afford to lose- you gave upon opportunities even your financial freedom that you worked so hard for and he grabbed the one he could not afford to lose his livelihood and his family. Also, tomorrow he can throw it on their faces- “I gave up my love interest just for you folks.”
4. There are no victims just volunteers. You and DG and many like us are ignorant volunteers who have no clue when and how to call it quits even when our minds, bodies and souls are screaming- LEAVE.
5. The decisions we refuse to make, make us. You and DG did not want to make this decision so they made it for us.
6. People change not because we want to them to change they change because they want to change. Their current behavior either is no longer serving them or there is a better incentive for change.
7. Priorities and preferences change. He would have loved you but times change his cost effect analysis didn’t go the way you wanted it.
Please feel supported. Keep coming back there are many resources here and lots of support in comments just like you gave to @Sugar Brown. There will come a time you’ll bless him and set yourself free.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
sorry dg i have made so may typing and speliing n lot’s of silly mistakes while writing as first of all i am writing u in late hrs it’s morning now…..coz of darkness i made these mistakes…..hope u understand tht…..really sorry it will be difficult to read n understand bt plz help me out…i have share these thngs wth my mom coz she is the only best friend i have….i share everythng with her….like a friend bt she can’t do anythng in it…for her it’s “ur family matter”try to solve it ur own our interference ill nt be good….so can’t seek help frm my mummy….n my father doesn’t abt anythng he is really sensitive abt me….he will nt tolerate anythng bad caused to me…..he does nt have any slightest of idea wat m gng through……..on my marg time he used to get emotional every now n thn…n had the idea” my daughter is gng to suffer she has chosen her life in ths way how she is gonna adjust”bt still my father is satisfied by my husband n tryng help us in fixing her daughter marg…n in other ways…bt till thn my fil is nt gng take intrest wat can my father do…..???????dg i have tried to adjust more thn posbl i ws a princess in my home ab i am dng all kind of stuff as mch as posbl…….in delhi we have only two rooms generally me my husband n sil lives in delhi bt wen whole family we r 6……dg i am adjusting at the highest posbl comprmising wth everythng u call it privacy u call it financially u call it freedom,u call it anythng…i don’t any single right of being his wife or the dil….plz helpppppi am really seekng advice or else i will end up causing sm harm to me or to ths relationshp….i am a very emotional person……u may even call emotional fool…….i see hope nowhere…i can’t talk to my parents abt it…my husband is nt willing to understand n my sil is taking all the advantage…..wat shud i do..we live only3 bt she has all the interfernce in me n my husbands life….she is even ready to shft in alwar…..wen she is neede in alwar she calls everybody in delhi…..n thn i don’t get space to even sleep….privcacy if too far to ask for…..dg i don’t have the manipulative mind n i am nt smart enough to understand thm….plz help me out i want to cm out of it…….will be w8ng for ur reply……thank you….
LikeLike
hello DG,
i have been married for 8 months now…..n i am also in trouble…..i was constantly looking for smthng …..where i can put my issues….i was nt able to share my problem wth my family n frnds either…..n was looking for smthng whch is directly connected to me…..the reason for nt sharing my problem wth my family and frnds was…..i had a lv marg…..and after so many difficulties i have achieved it……
i had a realtionshp of two years…..it started wth so many talks thn one fine day he came to my place asking my parents for the marg thng….tht time my father asked him “do u even understand wat a marg thng actually is????? it cms wth gr8 responsbllts….the fantacy of lv remains for a yr or more n wen the reality shows u the face people r nt able to handle it…”bt thn he said yes anythng for her…..my father was sure of ths boy is nice bt thn there was so many issues
1)i come frm a family frm upper middle class n he belonged to nrml middle class family
2)i come frm a family where all r high government officials where he is private sector (he is doing really well in tht)so family had a issue abt government job n private job.
HERE COMES THE MAJOR PROBLEMS…..
3)HIS 2 ELDER SISTERS R UNMARRIED AGE 0F 41 AND 39….there is a reason….8 yrs back his father got sm serious problem in the job n thn he filed cases against his bosses n the sysytem…..he refused to take the salary thn…he was forced to take voulantry retirment…n thn he refused to take the pension also till the case solves…..tht means all the responsblity on my husband who was studying tht time got selected for FMS delhi wth 7th rank….bt had to leave the colg n started earning…..he got even selected for govt job in bank bt thn his father left the papers in his official cupboard…..so my husband had to look for job at the earliest posbl…..so financial problms were there….n sisters remained unmarried.
4)his whole family is dependent on him for everythng for every small big expenses including the daily thngs,paying lawyers for father in law’s case ,medical treatments n all.
5)ofcourse my family earns a lot lot more wat my husband earns to his earning was also a issue…..
6)my dad was aware of the thngs tht my daughter has been bought up like a princess…..i never did any household wrk,i jst did my syudies n all…we had servants n drives on jst one call…..to papa thought ki how she is gonna adjust wthout thess comforts…..
but thn my bf constantly kept trying he did everythng posbl faced so many interviews by our family n all….he kept cmng to my place,he made sure he did everythng posbl to make my parents understand ki their chil is nt gng to suffer wth ths thng she will be allowed to study further,she will be treated like a dughter,she will get all the respect n she will nt miss anythng…..
dg these thngs impressed me a lot tht how ths boy is suffering n wen people run away from the responsblities he is fulfilling all of thm he is a family oriented guy….n he lvs me a lot…..(my bf clearly told me tht i am nt forced for marg or smthng i am free to take any decision bt thn he is nt gng to marry anybody else….he will stay single)
thn me n my family realised his sincerity towards me….so they said yes…thn we happily got married to each other
initially everythng was gng fine all of the family members were extremely lvng towards me….they actually used to treat like a daughter…they made sure tht i don’t suffer wth anythng means anythng!!!!!!my mil used to treat me like daughter we hav a custom of pallu on head…so we have teo house one in alwar other in delhi to she said ki u don’t need to any pallu inside our house bt if u r out of the house keep it….n in delhi u really don’t need to as there is no jaati biradri wale n al….my fil used to talk to me….dscs nrml thngs….n sil were like sisters only….
LikeLike
shikha 2
dg now the conditions have changed a lot the problems are …
wen i came i felt to share my husband responsblity n try to sort out thm the major prb i felt tht time was ki my sil’s were unmarried so my first target wat to a look for a rishta for thm n my mil also asked me to do….so i started looking n my parents too….came across many bt their delaying nature left wth none….my fil is nt at all serios abt daughter gtnd married if we force on him he directly says ki they r my responsblity u don’t have to worry abt thm….bt the fact is he is nt taking any responsblity……n my husband is the only earning person in the family….thn for one rishta i actually came in between n talked to the person who told me the person divorced wth mutual consent havng no child wth her first wife went for a custom called “pagfere” n never came back as she was nt able to adjust in tht area….n wanted the boy to shft in delhi thngs didn’t wrkd out n mutualconsent se divorce hua…..n still thry have gud terms wth the ex in laws……wen i came to know the whole story i said it’s wrth tryng bt thn my FIL rejected straightforward….gvng so many excuses….y she left n all….bt didn’t even tried to know more abt the boy….they come across sm other one bt thn no efforts were gvn….like ths we lft wth nthng…..my fil is nt intrested in supporting finacially he is nt worried abt daughters,nt abt the case…he is very casual abt everythng…..he forcefully n emotionally blackmailed my husband for the party for the communty people of abt 5000 to organise a prty for thm….bhleh hi for ths his son has to borrow money for tht…..bt he didn’t cared….he wanted to show off…..so my prb wth fil is so big he is actually nt bothered abt anythng……n very very casual abt evrythng…..he takes no particiaption wth any kind of responsblity….
thn cms my MIL,
she is nt actually tht bad…she is a real moody person sm times she makes comments on me n thn smtime she care for me…..coz of her i tried to fix their daughters marg bt thn i was gvn the tag tht she forcefully tryng to remove our daughters…..thn cms the pallu thng as per her sayngs i didn’t cared abt the pallu thn one fine day she says ki how can i talk abt others wen my very on bahu does nt take pallu thn how can i scold others…i don’t like it….alone she is nice bt wen sm relative cms she make sure she complains abt me…she does nt take pallu n all..she sleeps till late…..dg my prb is i keep awake tll late nt ….coz of wrk n small thngs….thn i sleep till 7:30 by thn everyone is awake other thn me n my husband…..they sleep early too….N AFTER THT THEY START ROAMING HERE N THERE…MY MIL N MY SIL DIRECTLY CMS IN THE ROOM WHERE WE R SLEEPING…N STARTS DOING THEIR STUFF….THEY DON’T EVEN REPSECT OUR PERSONAL SPACE…..THEY EVEN DONT LET US TO SHUT THE DOORS BY GVNG SO MANY EXCUSES THN WE HAVE TO SLEEP WTH DOORS OPEN N MORNING THE CM IN THE ROOM BHLE HI IN WATEVR STATE WE R SLEEPING…..MY SIL COMES DIRECTLY N ASK US TO GET AWAKE…..i told ths thng to my mother thn she told my mil ki it’s nt right to get into ur son’s room like ths in a gentle way….the she made lesser attempts bt sil conitnued n never stopped till date….my fil used to talk to me n nobody said no to him n i had to ans him bt once wen we were on trip to i got seated jst in front of my fil near by my husband my sil shouted on his father “papa aap idhr aa ke bauth jao”i didn’t understand ki he is kind my father type n we r in talking terms thn seatng in front…..y it was a issue for thm i asked my mil thn she said ki ur ur father in laws sister wth ue n in front of her it does nt look gud…i felt ok bt hn one day wen nobody was around n i got seated in the room where the whole family was again my sil shouted n asked her father to get out of the room….it was a sign for me…i stepped out of the room n went to the kitchen n ccried a lot….we have only two rooms there in delhi so coz to watch t.v everybody remains in our room at 11 at night they go out till tht time where shud i go…..i am nt allowed to gt into in my room….my privacy is affectng badly….
thn cms my sil….my elder sil is really manipulative ……it started wth gold the gold was gvn in marg by thm thn after reachng home their relatives did the munh dikhayi rsm….n they gave e gold too….thn she came t me u don’t have a almirah here…u gv it to me i’ll keep in safe n wen u’ll gt almirah i’ll hand it over to u….bt it’s 8 months now my almirah is there everythng is there my safe is there locker is there…..bt she didn’t gv my in laws gold back even after askng so many times everytime time she made excuse…..n she made clear ki the glod gvn by relatives will be gvn bk in thr functions…..so forget abt it….n she never showed wat my family has gvn to thm nt even to my husband she has kept all the gold…..my parents has given gold to al of thm bt she didn’t showed me till now…..
2)privacy…as mentioned before while we r sleeping she directly cms in the room….never bothered abt how we r sleepng n our privacy didn’t allowed to shut the doors be it winter or summer she always had a excuse n ths irritates me the most….she cmsin the room in morning n goes to her room in 11 at night….never bothered abt me n my privacy….
3)she is phycially weak by health n she had cyst in her ovary whch was removed years back by being operated bt till now she creates the drama as if she is ill wen we r alone means me n my husband n she thn she is totally fine n we together do all the wrk bt asa younger sil arrives she gets ill….leaving whole wrk on her n me….i took her to the dr to n he said she is totally fine can do all stuff bt she has to take care of the diet….(she was told ki she is suitable for the marg thng by her bhuaji n all…..tujhse shadi kaun krega n all)bt still she had made her mentality she is the most suffering person who is totally unfit….she maniputlated the medicine as per her wshs she never bothered abt the diet routine after even askng 100 times…
5)she manipulates my MIL agilnst her sister n her brother against me…..
6)she is very orthodox types ……snskaar religion customs n all she is orthodox more thn my mother in law surprisingly…..jbki i am very open minded n don’t have such beliefs….she does the pooja 4 to 5 hrs a day…..n talks total senseless thngs whch is nt practical at all….
7)she is nt intrested in marg n cms out wth hopeless excuses wth no relevance wth practical life…kind of tht city is nt gud…..the person is relative of ths nt person so he will nt be a gud person….she takes out excuses whch is really far from the reality…
8)she takes all the cash n runs the house…..she treats everybody like a kid n shouts be it her mother father or sister n now me…..i really feel bad wen for small small thngs i hav e to ask her….n it’s up to her wether she rejects or accepts…..
9)she is a nt practical person n she manipultes everyone wth everythng…..she asks the person do the thngs n if anythng wents wrong she blame n shout at the person itself..
10)wen i went out be for my home or for sm relatives she keeps a watch wat gold i am taking wth my self…..i don’t have their gold bt the gold gvn by my parents…she keeps a watch on thm also…..
bcozzz of theses thngs i am reallly iriitated as she also being elder only does the stupid thngs nt worried abt faters case,nt abt the marg,nt abt anythng…..n treats people as if they r fool n morove the thng whch hurted me the most wen my parents came for the first time for2 days she was ok bt thn she manipulated my mil n my sil n they made face in front of my mother jbki she remained nrml…..i was knewing it ki who is behind ths bt thn she made ths efforts wthout any reason coz of nofault of mine n i took it seriously n i stopped talking to everybody…i felt bad for my parents my inlaws has visited my place a lot n my parents everytime welcomed thn more thn anythng….n took care of all thngs b it sight sseing be it food be it clothes n treated them like daughters….i really didn’t liked the way they made faces…..wthout any reason.
i am very much irritated wth my eldest sil ….m amarried girl m a wife of his brother bt she doen’t gv me tht respect…she made me suffr for space my privacy my thngs,my room,my husband,,,,n even wth money…..
now my husband……
my husbad is really gud person he treats me really well he always motivated me for my further studies…he lvd me like anythng….i was so so happy wth him…bt coz of his family i got really suffers n i used to dscs wth him so he felt bad for his family….he didn’t understand wat m gng through ki wat they r dng is right in the matter of gold,if u will say smthng u will become bad in their view,,,,,wen i dscsd abt money…he told me how mch u want u aske me…i’ll gv u….i told his i don’t like to ask u fix a amount whch u’ll gv every month he accepted bt thn he only gvs wen i ask n i really don’t like to ask n being asked y u want n all….wen it came on the matter of pivacy he told me he can’t do anythng in tht the space is too small i said atleast ask thm nt to enter while sleeping bt he said i can’t say ths…so my only complaint to my husband is after knowing everythng he does nt do anythng abt it….n he has not gvn anyy right for any decisions,financially,for his family n everythng…..our relation is suffering badly coz of his family…..n the point has came he as started insulting me in front of his family n in alone too every night we end up fighting….my peace is gone….i really lv his n i don’t want to get seperate bt i can’t deal wth situation any longer…..plzzzzz help dg plz help me out
LikeLike
my in laws especially mil humiliated and hurt me emotionally when I could not bear a child. She called my parents cheats,liars and made me call my father a liar, that he had given them a infertile daughter otherwise she would throw me out of the house. She made me discuss my conjugal life with my brother in law. My husband actually does not want to come in between goes with the wishes of his bitchy mother as she has raised him
@emotionallyhurt,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
So she called you infertile and told your parents they gave a barren daughter as a bahu. Hmm are we talking about a woman a human being or a cattle? And your parents just sat there and listened to this nonsense? what does it tell you about your parents?
So you went ahead and discussed your conjugal life with your BIL while your spouse stayed indifferent. What does it tell you about your relationship? Is he even in the marriage or it is just you trying to keep it alive? What are you going to do about it?
Just know you are not the first and you are not the last but you are one for you. Only you can decide what you need in this marriage and relationship. If you are just making a statement or complaint here then it is fine too.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
Hi DG,
I have been married for 3 months and i knew married life was not going to be easy, However, my mother in law is a nightmare. I am generally a calm person and no matter what anyone says to me I take it on the chin. I have been put in a situation where my mother is very controlling/manipulative and passive aggressive.
It started off with the ‘gold’. I understand I am a new bride and my in laws would like me to look like a new bride. So I wore the gold out of respect. However, 3 months down the line she wants me to continue on wearing the gold after telling her a number of times (subtly) I don’t really wear gold jewellery, In reply she said ‘you’ll get use to it’. There were many nights where i cried myself to sleep and my husband would get very upset. He said he would have ‘words’ but never did. One day I was packing to go and visit my parents and i didn’t have my gold chain necklace. She shouted at me like a little child and told me to go upstairs and put my gold on. I was very angry and upset and kicked off with my husband.
After that scenario I told my husband i refuse to come back until you speak to your mother. After giving him that ultimatum he spoke to her and told her you cannot force her, in which she replied ‘ i thought she would wear it out of respect’. Gee, i thought that;s the reason i was wearing the gold for the last 3 months.
Anyway, gold aside there have been moments where my mother in law has made comments about going to visit my biological parents. I wanted to visit my sister and i asked my husband, whom was ok with it. As i live with my in laws i told my mother in law out of respect and that i’m going to visit my sister. She went silent, but 10 mins later said ‘ how come you’re all of a sudden going to meet your sister’ (it wasn’t what she said it was her tone that was shocking). Luckily my husband over heard her but did not say anything. My husband drove me to my sisters and during the journey i was very angry and i was snapping at my husband. He was silent the whole journey but once i arrived at my sisters he said ‘i’m sorry, i understand what you mean, she was being passive-aggressive’. i thought great my husband has finally seen what she can be like. However, couple of days later he still hadn’t spoken to her.
Money, money to me is not a big issue. However, I’ve grown up thinking that my husband will support me. My husband spends majority of his money on his family. Yes, i do not have an issue with him helping his family out, i respect what he is doing. However, surely his parents know that they bleed him dry either. I feel at times i’m supporting my husband financially when he should be supporting me. me and husband are in the process of buying a property and on the other hand his parents want to go away on holiday but want my husband to pay? this is fine if we had won the lottery. However, we are struggling to make ends meet but they continue to ask for more money.
Finally, odd comments have been made by MIL such as ‘ i cooked a huge meal for your family, and they didn’t eat much’, ‘ you’re going home, and the washing basket is full’, ‘you’re make-up or your hair didn’t look all that great on your wedding day’ and ‘you’ve ironed your clothes, and you couldn’t iron mine’
My own mother has never treated me like this that’s why i find her behaviour so odd. She is very sly and picks a time to say something when my husband is not around. Sometimes she is soooo nice- i have learnt to keep my distance from her even when she is nice,
I am so unhappy in my marriage, 3 months and all i’m thinking is i want to go home and go back to my life.
Am I making a mountain out of mole hill?
@GeordieGirl,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Yes, it took DG a while to approve this comment because it was too long and there are many similar personal emails sitting in her inbox.
DG”s question: Did you read the comments in this section carefully? Did you find any similarity?
If you read comments made by Mehak and DG’s response to her you’ll see gold is a common bone of contention, if you wear it will get stolen so don’t wear. If you don’t wear you are letting the family name down by not flashing the gold.
Why your husband is not able to stand up to his mother is mentioned in few of the posts about sons please refer archives.
How his family is bleeding him dry and you are yet to start your family is addressed in one of the responses DG made to Mehak in comment section of this post. Also, there is time you and spouse can go over the priorities in your marriage. https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/ask-before-marrying/ Focus on your marriage, draw some healthy boundaries both in marriage as well as with in-laws.
What you have mentioned in your comment here about passive aggressive behavior on the part of your MIL is dealt in detail in the posts related to MILs.
How to address the issue and the said person is addressed in this particular post did you start using that approach?
Everything is given on the blog along with skill development tools and is free for anyone to use. If you still need help with skill building the personalizes service is nominally charged please email DG. Her email id is in the comments in number of posts.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
I’m going through the exact same thing and I’m being tortured plz help
@Nisha,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
DG is glad you posted your comment in this particular post. Please read all the comments and you’ll realize you are not alone going through this. Most of the comment writers on this post are in similar situation and DG has answered each comment diligently now it is up to you to pick out what works for you.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
DG,
I thank you for your reply to my earlier comment. What you have said about abuse in your reply to youngdotcom and the control of the abusive is SO true. Also, in reply to Neha, you have said that the orthodox are hard to fight since the younger generation of today do not have the skills – this is true for me, I wasn’t raised like that and there are times when I regret having married into this family. I don’t understand their behavior or attitude, and certainly have no idea how to give it back to them.
@luv,
There is a whole generational agenda to raise emotionally dysfunctional children amongst Desis. Daughter are raised with the purpose of making obedient Bahus and sons’ are raised to be spineless squids with uncut umbilical chord. Following links will help you understand what happened with you.
Now about learning new skills, it is never too late, it takes time and requires persistence and patience. All answers are in the posts, pages and comments on GGTS, if you still need help please contact DG on gmail. Her id is in comments in numerous posts.
DG
LikeLike
Dear DG,
I almost cried when I came across your blog today. I have been in this kind of marriage(the facts of which you have outlined above) for 15 years now, and have been unable to understand how to tackle dirty politics and hypocrisy. My parents-in-law, and brother-in-law’s family lives with us – all in one house. It is torture.
Perhaps your articles here will be an inspiration. Wish me luck.
@luv,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
15 years is a long time yet better than a life time. It is never too late to start making changes in what you can realistically change. Please go through comments in this post there are many practical situations dealt with.
Here are more posts that will help. All the skill building tools are on the side bar on the right under All About Relationships.
LikeLike
hi, i have two and half year old marriage. i got very typical type of in-laws. they are very orthodox and specially my father in-laws is a very dominant and stubborn. he has curbed his two son’s personality so much, they can’t put their point of view, even if they are 100% sure that they are right. due to this my mother-in-law has a power to dominate over their daughter-in-laws. i am the younger daughter-in-law and staying with in-laws only. the bother-in-law and his family lives in other city. so, i have to bear her all tantrums and taunts. she is illiterate and i am a doctor (pursuing further studies). she is jealous because of this. i have appointed a full time servant for house cores, but she she wants me to do all the works despite of my exams….if i am paying the servant then why she is doing that….only she can tell!!! I HATE HER… i have never confronted my in-laws. but i am fade up now. although my husband understands my situation but can’t do anything because he is afraid of his father. “joint families can’t run with one sided efforts” i want to separate…but can’t..PLEASE HELP ME!!!!PLEASE
@neha,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Please know you are not the only Bahu going through this and you won’t be the last but you are the most important person for you.
First understand why this is happening, why are these dominant people are dominating so many- they are using social authority and concept of generational reverence to their advantage to oppress and abuse younger generation. Secondly, the younger people in this situation do not know how to resist this abuse because they have no skills to do so.
Please read the comments in this post carefully and then browse around GGTS to find meaningful posts that will answer many of your question.
LikeLike
Need ur advice,my in laws do not care about my husband,my Mil got divorced when my husband was 2,my MiL had the custody of my husbnd and his sister but she kinda abandoned them.my husband spent all his childhood years in boarding schools and at aunts’s home during holidays.now that we hav two kids she’s absent frm her grandchildrn’s lives too,no surprise.she lives abroad,never calls,never sent any birthdays gifts,eid gifts,never even acknowledged my son’s birth.my daughtr is 4,ystrday she came to me askng who is her paternal grandmother.what does she look like,where is she. I just said she isnt here. Frankly,i feel quite resentful towrds her,the little time she spent with us she caused issues.(if u hav read the sophie kinsella shopaholic series she was just like luke’s mother,and the exact same relationship my husband has with his mother) Now hubby and i just had a fight he thinks i should hav painted a loving picture,which i am nt willing to. What should i do in this case?? Please help
@Bina,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Please know not everyone is cut out for parenthood. Some people become parents because they did not know they had a choice not to become one. Marriage and children are a package deal for desi women and often they try to be the parent once they have had children and often those attempts are halfhearted or laden with martyr complex.
DG doesn’t know what sophie kinsella’s mother of Luke is like. She isn’t interested either coz’ there are enough drama queens in Desi world.
Parenting is a duty and grand parenting is a privilege and one has to earn it. If grandparents don’t behave like grown ups in the company of your children you can recall their audience with your children. DG has no clue who asked you “who your children’s paternal grandmother was” and what prompted you to give the response you gave.
Now about your spouse he has this fantasy of the parent he never had and he wants to live that story. It is never going to happen coz’ what he did not get as a child he is not going to get as an adult. He wanting you to join him in creating a different parenting story for him is not gelling with you. Just say it out ALOUD. But also tell him you understand his pain of having an absentee parent.
Please focus on your primary relationship, your marriage. Absentee parent and MIL is peacefully in her nest and here you two are fighting does it make any sense?
Your spouse needs a closure from her on his childhood, that he may not get unless he discovers or learns this truth and deals with it he’ll keep doing this dance with her. There is need for lots of unlearning of dysfunctional behavioral processes and learning of new behaviors that will take him or you both as a couple to desired goal.
DG provides individual support with skill building it is a paid service nominally charged to meet the costs of upkeep of time commitments. For that please contact her on gmail.
LikeLike
Thanks very much for this post DG. The suggestions you have given in this post are really useful.I have read about ninety percent of your blog, and I learnt a lot from it. I have been married for three years. In the first and the second year, I had some “in-laws” problems, but now I dealt with them with the help of counseling, and by reading some of the posts from your blog. And now, those problems are solved, and the in-laws don’t bother me.
I see most of my girlfriends and cousins in the same situation, and try to tell them, but only some of them understand and try to come out of it. They just are too lazy or too afraid (they think their marriage will break or something, if they assert) to do anything about their problems.
It breaks my heart if I see my loved ones suffering so much, but what can we do, people have to work on things themselves, we can just help them.
You are doing great work DG, hats off to you. My best wishes are always with you.
@Sakshi,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Glad DG was able to help. More glad to know that you now have a handle on the botheration from your in-laws.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
Hello DG, such good points you’ve got about coping in relationships and the SIL thing. I have been through alot with my inlaws. It wasn’t easy I must confess. The stuggle still exist, but I got hold of myself after I searched for help and so importantly, when I came across your blog. I have read your posts over and over again. It’s so full of advice. Thank you. But if you won’t mind, I am about to get in contact with another difficult moment and I am so afraid of what may happen.
My sister inlaw will be spending a week at our place with her 2 kids (1.5 and 3 years). My fiancé told me she was going to sleep with me on our bed in the bedroom with the kids and he will sleep in the living room on the air bed. I really don’t like this idea because i am 5months pregnant and its a long time to be separated since we both work during the day and nights sometimes. i don’t know how to tell him because I don’t have a solution. Please help in a peaceful way :)…. I don’t know what to do In this situation.
@Young,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Since DG started blogging she has almost answered every possible question about what desi women might be dealing with their in-laws. Here is the answer to your question how to deal with your visiting SIL (please click the hyperlink).
Desi hospitality and modesty is beyond DG. Married people live together and they essentially (or not) have sex too so why is there every effort to disguise this fact. You are pregnant and your fiance is thinking of letting his sister and kids into your bedroom. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW or else you’ll set a wrong precedence for future.
Just tell him what you told DG, that you want your time together after a long day. If he wants his sister and kid to have a bed he can go and get a new one but a 5month pregnant woman will neither sleep on the floor nor leave her bedroom. keep bedroom off limits. PERIOD.
What do you mean by
and a smiley??
What gave you an impression that DG would suggest something violent or nonsensical? GGTS is committed to serious contemplation to find solution to everyday problems faced in desi relationships.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
@ DG, thank u somuch for your response. And am sorry if the “peaceful way” i mentioned did upset you. I have read through all your suggestions and non did seem violent or nonsensetical at all. All I meant Was, I would wish to do or say something to my fiance in regatds to this situation in a peaceful way. Such that it won’t upset anyone. though sometimes, the best is not good enough. Thanks again for your advise.
There is nothing to be upset about, if DG was to get upset about comments she’ll be in a hard place believe her. Now you want a change in the rules of the game and you don’t want the winner to get upset, that is not happening. Why are you so afraid of disturbing the status quo where you are the underdog? Here are few links that will help you say what you want to say in assertive manner.
Remember: This is not pertaining to your case but this how human interactions manifest when change in power structure is asked. Your fear are all natural but you are suffering so you have to do something about it, neither power holder nor outsiders can help you.
DG
When you initially question the abuser’ s behavior they placate the situation with affection and gifts and soon they revert to their old behavior. But when you question few more times they intensify abuse (giving you silent treatment, yelling, screaming, breaking things, hurting themselves or hurting you etc.) to prevent you from asking for a change in the relationship. And you learn to keep peace by not ruffling the feathers. Abuser is basically teaching you how to remain abused and give up your power.
DG
LikeLike
Hello all,
Saw this blog and was really relieved reading it.
After 6 years of marriage, finally one fine day, with a trip to India, realized what double knife my MIL and SIL are and also how much they have changed and fed my husband all negative ideas about me.
I felt – and was really proud – a person who can take good care of his parents and family(well pre marriage) will be a good husband and father.
Just didn’t know that I have to be a smart ass and protect my marriage.
Still not able to come out of the thought that my MIL was playing with me.
When she told him directly things didn’t work. In front of him, she tried to show her power and my husband protected me. Lucky me!!! buri nazaar na legeyy kaaley kavvey ki… forgot I should keep and eye on that.
It took her a while to lay down a plan and enforce it. 2-3 years of cold phone calls.
I just can’t understand, doesn’t my MIL know that if her son talks to her on phone (we are in US) – 4-5 hrs on weekends and daily 1-2 hrs in the night when would he get time to spend with his toddler and wife. He has a full time job. All these phone calls – I would have been happy if they were about themselves. The talks go on about someone else – what happened in this party and that party; how did someone react to someone else – what would their opinions be; what would someone else’s opinion be; and ofcourse how bad my parents are and that they don’t know formalities…..
It is so true – every MIL forgets she was once a DIL.
She couldn’t tolerate that my husband appreciates and values my opinion (well, this doesn’t make one henpecked but ofcourse in MIL and SIL’s opinion – it sure is being henpecked).
But over a period of time when someone is feeding us – be it good or bad, they make an impression and at times, effects our thought as well.
I grew up in joint family – well my grand parents were with my parents or the other way, my parents were with my grandparents.
I have seen, my grand mother say that her MIL never treated her fair – well question is – did she treat her DIL fairly. Nope – worst.
Like the life cycle, this is also so very true – DIL comes into house – abused and harassed by MIL – yes, there are exceptions with everything.
Ladies, this is life. Time and patience works. It took my mom 25 years and my aunt almost 28 yrs of patience.
Lets’ live in reality and enjoy our lives.
Unless and until we want to be happy no one can make us happy.
trust yourself and be true to yourself.
Keep faith in yourself and demand your right to happiness.
A good support system always works – atleast I need it and am happy with it.
Adios for now,
cheli
@Cheli,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Your spouse has problems with personal boundaries with references to his parental family. Yes, his mother has to report minutest detail of her mundane life to him coz’ she has to prevent him from bonding with his wife and toddler. It is a very calculated move. He has to be all ears because he is made to feel guilty that he is abroad and mommy dear is deprived of his company and care. Nothing new about it.
Enough is enough just put your foot down. Like you set a bed time for your toddler make one for yourself and if he wants to join in good or let him hang on the phone just don’t relax him on his spousal duties. High time these spineless squids with uncut umbilical chords learned boundaries and spousal responsibilities.
About the generational cycle of every DIL turning into her MIL follow the links.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
Dis is related to my case, all my sister_inlaw gang up against me my husband cant talk to them they stay in their father’s house their father is late infact am tired tell me wat to do
@Favor,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
In the following link all the supporting information is give please read it carefully along with comments in the respective posts.
If your safety is in question or you need one on one skill building coaching then contact DG on her gmail id.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
Hi DesiGirl, firstly its great to see such an awesome blog for so many women who need empowering. I have been reading and getting alot of gyan from youand truly its helping the non manipulative me learn how to be smart. But i still need some more personalised one from you if you dont mind.
I am in a situation where my in laws dont like me. They are sweet on the face and negative at the back and very very difficult to deal with. I come from a metro and they from a small town. So there is difference of thoughts, lifestyle, language etc etc. they didnt like from the word go and dont trust me at all no matter how hard i have tried. My husband is 50 – 50 by my side. We both are non manipulative style and live away from the family who completly ignore our existence. the worse part is my younger bro in law just had a love marriage and my in laws are now totally mesmerised by the new bride. My in laws are extremely unfair to me and ignore me and illtreat me by passing weird remarks, making me and my family feel useless and always misjudguing me. I have tried to seek help from my hubby but as much as he wants he is not able to change their opinion about me. To make matters worse they are being extra partial to their younger son, and treating his wife like a queen and me like a maid. HELP PLs. I am a independent confident loving and caring person who is being disrespected.
Desi girl, i am looking for some guidance: a) Do i be a part of this RAT RACE between 2 bahu’s trying to please her in laws.. b) Leave my in laws to the mercy of the 2nd bahu which is my younger bro in laws wife c) Fight it hard (i have tried talking several times to my inlaws which has failed as they blame my thinking and just defend themselves) d) You tell me !!
i am far away abroad away from my inlaws but still havent been spared by a controlling in laws hold. my life is being judged every min and i feel choked. SOS PLS HELP. Need some real guidance.. Girl Power pls guide how to deal with this wrath
@Sonia,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
DG is glad she could help and thanks for the compliment.
If it is any consolation you are not the first to go through this and you won’t be the last. So everything you said in your comment is addressed on this blog in different posts and comments section of those posts. It would have helped you if you had read the comments made on this page because everything you said is actually addressed there.
DG now addresses personal queries on need basis and mostly in life and death safety situations due to her personal reasons. If your safety is in question or you need one on one coaching then please get in touch with her on gmail.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
Never marry an Indian man or a British Indian man, they end up being all the same. White men are more respectful.
@Ely,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Wao that is a news to DG that white men are more respectful, to whom? Women, sexual minorities, non Caucasian ethnicities… Oh did we forget the ‘white man’s burden?” Thanks to women’s movement that in the west white men parted with bit of their white privilege or else they are just men like all others around the world refusing to treat women as humans.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
I think what Ely means is that gender roles are more fluid with Western men or Westernized men, whatever the color of skin. That white men, by virtue of where most of them are born (the post-feminist western countries) would believe in and practice gender equality more than non-white men of pre-feminist or just now becoming feminist eastern countries is an assumption based on history and culture. I’d say its in the correct ball park.
Not that there is something inherently dysfunctional in non-western men, they can also be trained in gender equality, but their cultures don’t support or reinforce that in a big way at this current point.
@Yogini,
That is sweet attempt to qualify another person’s opinion. DG has lived in both the continents and is aware how post-feminist is the west, thanks to conservative governments women are being pushed back into middle ages. Yes, women are considered humans but implications of their gender are excused though greater number of offenses are committed against women and greater number of women are primary caregivers.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
The best solution is to: avoid seeing them at any cost. Don’t share any secrets with them, don’t let them stay at your house( they might steal your gold)
@Tumhare Radha,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Now that is little too extreme it is though it has happened to DG too. But the fact remains if there is no trust what is even the use of continuing the relationship be it in-laws or spouse.
About the secrets, if you can’t guard your own secret why do you think another person will or should?
If there is so much dislike where you don’t even want to see them (DG has been there and done that) the whole marriage seems fake as your partner is half absent how long are we suppose to take it. DG just gave up. She could not do with 50%.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
Hi Dg,
I love the advice, but I have a question what do you do if you have done all this and they still don’t like you and you believe they talk bad about you. Do you allow your children to be around them? I have a friend who’s in laws bad mouthed her around her child and it caused him to be confused and have mixed emotions about her. Do I chance this? And if no how do I deal with the hubby and this issue?
@deja,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
DG gives no advice she just shares what she experiences and observes. 🙂
… if you have done all this and they still don’t like you and you believe they talk bad about you…
Is it true what they are saying about you. Definitely NO then does it matter? Can you sue them? Of course not because there is no clause for defamation here though you can make one.
Go with a nonjudgmental attitude and open mindedness. Begin with asking if you have offended them in any way. Basically, you’re asking what their problem is, in a gentle way. When you talk to them ask for three reasons they are not comfortable with you. Two reasons will be excuses and the third will be closer to the truth.
…Do you allow your children to be around them?…
NO, grandparenting is a privilege not a right and people have to earn it. It is your duty to protect your child from all this toxicity and instill in them a sense of right and wrong. Children are impressionable they need not live in confusion about their parents. Please reassure them you love them and are their for them no matter what grandparents say. Don’t badmouth them in front of your kids. Just tell them to STOP. Tell your partner this is not acceptable and you do not want children exposed to this toxicity, if his parents have a problem with you then they tell “me” not our kids.
Use this as a guide.
It is not that you did not know you’ll not have kids in the marriage all you did not know was how you’ll raise them as partners. Like was it was not that DG did not know abuse was non negotiable in her marriage but she did not know how to make it stop or what to do. We don’t think through before making life time commitment and then we suffer.
Please be assured no matter what you do your in-laws will not like you because they have made a choice of not liking you no matter what. So why waste time instead focus on your truth that you are a kind nurturing happy person. Are you? If yes, good if no, then work on it.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
Hi DG,
Thank you for pointing out the articles to me. And yes I am pondering on what you mentioned “I left my parents so now it is your duty to take my nonsense” etc… I hope things go well in future and we are happy as we were before the whole marriage. When i sit back and think i realize that there were so many thing that I could have done smartly and differently.
I have read most of your articles and feel sad but agree to most women competition at home , fearful and spineless husband , emotional emptiness, discrimination on wealth spend and many more. The truth is we all know it but why are we so scared to accept it , talk about it and change it? When i tried to speak and point out the bad behavior I was told that i am a ill mannered person. any way.. i want to move on….
I would also like to add, its not only the man , inlaws etc but us as women n wife become somehow a part of this dirty game and play it. I wouldn’t say that I did not do any mistake but i am ready to accept and own up and change but if they think they r going to put every thing on me then I am sorry i m not taking it anymore…
Well i have understood a few things:
Be yourself and dont bother if people are pulling you down
Be Assertive – very important
Learn to say no Gracefully
Don’t overdo anything at your own expense
Do not ask for justification as he will not understand
Do not limit your life
Wish me luck and i hope i keep getting guidance from the universe as it guided me to u.
Looking forward to read more and let me know if you need me to help for this cause.
Much Love
Grateful
LikeLike
HI DG,
I am so glad to read your post, but i only wish i had read it a year back. I have gone through most of it. Did all pleasing , stretching my self to no extent, reasoning wid my husband , complaining, crying… things went so ugly that we separated from his family in the most ugly way. Then I believe the abusive streak got into me and he left me to go back to his parents. I couldn’t handle all that but my close ones kept me rooted. I guess the 2 month long isolation helped and today he has proposed that we stay separately and we are now finally hunting apartments , discussing finances and I have begun to learn the trick of ignoring what bothers me.
It was a long, difficult and dream shattering journey. But I think I am ready to start again.
Looking fwd to read your blog.
Grateful.
LikeLike
living with my in laws and 3 sister in laws HELP, husband doesnt see what they are really like!
LikeLike
I am an Indian Canadian female from Vancouver BC Canada. I’m 38 my husband 42, we’ve been married 7 years have 2 boys ages 5 and 3. My husband has basically cut me off emotionally for the past 6 years. He stopped sleeping in bed with me when I was 6 months pregnant with our first child. We’ve had ongoing issues for many years that I tried talking to him about and go no where. He refuses to be initimate with me completely we haven’t made love in 8 months but the longest has been well over a year. Today I found out that he’s turned off of me because I am not close to his sister. She was mainly the mother figure as she practically raised him while they’re mother worked as a cook in a hotel in Fiji. This was shocking for me to take that he would reject me for her. I went through so much pain to give him 2 beautiful children and that doesn’t matter. His sister is just trying to bully me. I’m considering giving in to her for the sake of getting my husband back and saving my marriage.
LikeLike
Seriously…what is it with Indian in-laws??? Why do they have to be so difficult. I was born and raised in the U.S., both of my other sisters married non-Indians and I alway knew that I wanted to marry Indian because I do think it has a great impact on how much of the culture you can preserve. I have known my husband for 7 years and one of the main reasons I married him was because I felt like we had the same philosophies in life and more importantly had a good balance between eastern and western culture. He wasn’t the type of guy that just expected I be the wife that does and acts as she is told and that he was actually an independent person outside of his family. And of course we got along. have the same interests…all the other things that matter when you find your spouse.
However, his family has more drama than anyone needs to have in one life time and as all family dramas go it is over the most stupid, asinine issues you could even imagine. You look at someone the wrong way and all of a sudden you have disrespected them and a war breaks out. My family on the other hand couldn’t be more laid back and carefree, which makes it that much harder for me to accept and understand the way his family behaves.
So, here is my big problem. My husband’s mother expects us to draw family loyalties based on who she is getting along with at the moment. So if she has argument with one of her brothers, then we are expected to not speak to his kids (even though the kid (cousins)) had nothing to do with anything, nor have any problems with one another. I have a big problem with this because now the other generation’s problems are causing issues among the kids and I don’t agree with it. My husband and I get into fights about this because he wants to appease his mom for the sake of not disrespecting her and will often side with her on these issues. and I can’t understand why he can’t just explain to his mom that at the age of 34 he can take care of managing his own family relationships. It makes my blood boil just thinking about how easily he listens to her when it comes to this type of family stuff. My dilemma is I don’t know how much of a stand I need to take and when i just need to back off and say fine do what you want….which is hard because at the end it still impacts me since I have to still see and talk to these people. It is his family and my goal is preserve relationships but if he doesn’t care, then why should I get so stressed out over it?? Part of it too, is just my philosophy and me not wanting to have to make sacrifices on my own personal philosophies.
Sorry….we just had a big blowout and I came across this blog and just started venting. Indian in-laws infuriate me. They get involved when they shouldn’t, they have opinions on things that don’t even make sense, and why they can’t understand that when they behave this way they only drive people away I will never understand. i am a very loving person. and more importantly drama-free person and want nothing more than to have a great relationship with my MIL, but stuff like this makes it so hard.
LikeLike
Hi DG,
I sent in a comment a while ago, thankfully, I am blessed with a great MIL, my sister is not. This is her story:
She lives with her in-laws under the same roof, her MIL actually cannot accept the fact that my sister gets to sleep with her son and not her (!!), she literally asked my sister not to close the door of their bedroom, can you believe that?? her husband promptly wets his pants if he sees a glare from his mom. He is a spineless, na marad ass hole.
One night, my parents and uncles and aunties barged into their home and asked my sister to pack her bags and leave, my sis refused meekly and chose to stay with them. Now, we have all accepted that her life will be like this. It is up to her to take a stand and she is soo afraid of the goddamn society that she lives in that she prefers to stay with those monsters. Sorry for hogging your comment space, Can I ask her to reach out to you? Please let me know.
Take care
Deepa
LikeLike
Thanks for your thoughtful reply DG. Yes, we spoke to their in-laws, her husband in a peaceful manner. Nothing worked. Yes, my sis wants a peaceful life without her MIL. I actually even suggested her to start poisoning her MIL’s food with tiny bits of arsenic so that she would die a slow death. I am sorry, I am really mad at my sister’s situation. Her husband “loves” her I believe, but cannot say anything to his mom when she treats my sis as crap. Again, sorry for taking up your comment space, I will ask her to get in touch with you soon.
Thanks for really taking the time to reply.
Deepa
LikeLike
HI everyone,
I really feel sad being a part of the society which is male dominant but none of the males really want to accept that. My situation is similar but little different but equally painful to DILs who are suffering silently.
Sometime before our marriage my MIL passed away and I think now no one is there to guide the family. Initially I thought everyone is heart broken with the incident and they are not yet ready to accept me. Its almost 2 years now and no one really likes me. They hardly care about me but keep telling my husband, ur wife shud do this and not that, her family shud do this and blaw blaw…. and keep poking my husband that “I” am not interested in keeping relation with them. I accept I do not call them very frequently but I do call them, send emails, ecards which they never revert on. Every festival if any of his family member is here it just ends up in a dramatic painful scene where I get all the blame even after trying hard to make them happy and satisfied.
Earlier everyone used to complain I do not cook properly and now recently her sister was at our place for a festival I tried to cook different dishes,honestly to please her because she is the one who is real kakayee (sorry to say that) in our family and will tell everyone in the family. she talks all negative about everyones back. I hv noticed these all brothers (including my husband) and siters talk negatives about each other in the absence of that person just like my FIL, this habit I think I can never change. what shud I do to make them stop disturbing our married life which is otherwise Happy normally?
I was a working girl in my country and now when I am here I am at his disposal 😦 till I become independent again and start supporting him. This is also a big issue in our relationship as all of them studied abroad and are doing fine and I have done double masters in India (MSc and MBA) and doing another MBA in US now for which my husband is paying and keeps making me realize that he is doing a big favor on me….. I feel depressed sometime. The worst part is I never talk about our tensions with anyone in his or my family but he had been complaining to all his family members in my absence which I over heard 100s of times and when he realised that I heard the conversation he lies openly and in recent past he had called my family twice to complain about me. when my parents told me this I feel completely lost bcoz I don’t want to give them any kind of tension. never ever 😦
LikeLike
This is so comforting, Thankyou 🙂
I just don’t want his family to interfere in our matter which he always prefers and he knows that I don’t lie and also that his family members lie alot, even I have caught them many times but never ever mentioned it to anyone. Now he wants to involve my family also but I don’t want to give any kind of tension to them for whihc my husband said, “why only my family should be in tension, why not yours”? I told him you wanted to involve them but I dont, I want everything to start and finish between us without any word going out. Its really hard to convince proudy, arrogant and egoistic males.
I will try to make all possible changes which I have been doing continuously since last 2 years. Thankyou for your advises.
One additional thought, With modernization we all have chnaged a lot but the ultimate Indian mentality is stil dominating and it has brought so many desis living abroad in such a messy situation bcoz we are neither pure Indians, nor Americans and don’t know where r we heading to.
LikeLike
Hi DG,
My heart breaks every time, I see the same stories being repeated time and time again. I think our Indian culture is very narcissistic which benefits only men. It is made by men for the gratification of men. Why else is being born as a girl considered a burden to her parents, why else are little girls killed before they even have a chance to be born in India? Indian parents think that if they have a son, they have won a lottery, so they have to make the most of it (my ex in laws are a perfect living example) – by making the poor bloke so messed up in the head that all he can respond to are their commands, a sad little robot. These poor and sad men know only to show their arrogance only towards their life partner and her family.
I recently came across the laws of the Manusmriti, the foundation of Indian soceity for ages. It definitely explains a lot of narcissitic behaviour of men in Indian soceity and mothers with sons and sisters with brothers. I think the movie Lajja best describes the state of the Indian women.
I hope we the women writing in these blogs, do not turn into our mothers in law when it is our turn to get our sons married. Let go and let live.
Something I had heard on a religious family radio program recently – said Parents are stewards of their children in this world, Parents DO NOT own their children, because God created all his children as individuals, with free will. So no one, not even a parent has the right to take the God given free will of their child away and control their life using emotional blackmail like “we raised you and sacrificed our life for you so you are indebted to us for life”. It is every parent’s god given duty to nurture and love their child and do what it takes to raise them well, but never use that as a way to control their child.
Likewise, we need to take care of our parents. But our Indian soceity does nothing to care for seniors, like the benefits that seniors have in the US, a much more dignified life I think. So it is no wonder, parents with sons are very insecure for their old age. And insecurity is one of the reasons that leads to control.
I got my divorce DG. It did not take him long to go find anothe after he filed for divorce to find someone on match.com. And now after the divorce he tells me, he never loved her. He wished he had appreciated me when he had me. But in the same breath, he will not admit that what he did, by sleeping around was wrong. There are always excuses. I asked him, why did I not sleep with the first man I saw. His answer to me another excuse, is because he is a man.
I for one am done with those excuses. He does not define my self worth. Mt self worth is defined by what I am in God’s eyes. Went for mass the other day and heard the priest preach .. Let Go and Let God.. that helps.
I wish all the desi bahus out there a lot of love and strength to endure and value themselves, because God did not create you to be abused.
LikeLike
Hi DG,
Yes I would love to be a part of the gmail group. Please add me.
It is hard to let go and let god. I worked for 4 days, trying to get back to it.
It should be easy to let go of a man who has been adulterous, still has his parents in his head and does not think that wanting to abort his own child was wrong, that he was being God deciding that.
But this love thing is very complicated, try to tell myself I deserve better. One of those low days 😦
LikeLike
Hi “broken_no_more”.
You are a brave girl. Hats off…
Wish you happiness and fulfillment of dreams in the future.
LikeLike
Beats me why in MIL’s and FIL’s don’t accept the DIL as their own daughter and why DIL’s don’t oversee smaller things as they would with their own parents!
Human relations and this constant urge for one-up-man-ship ruins simplest of the situations.
LikeLike
I wanted to thank you for believing me about my MIL and not questioning if I’m lying. I can tell you that most people who such topics come up with just don’t get it. They either straightforward ask, “what have you done to make your in-laws like this?” or “you don’t look like that type of girl”, meaning that I must have done something to deserve such treatment. Even if I had done something, that’s no excuse to treat someone like that.
Some people say how could so and so be like that?, or I know so and so, they are————– (opposite positive behavior), meaning that I must be stupid or lying.
I don’t blame anyone for misjudging me because I never told the whole story to anyone except my aunt, everyone else just got it in bits and pieces because I was ashamed of sharing bad things about people.
The pain that I felt from my SIL’s games and mean comments at that time, and the way it broke me, the way I believed what she said, the way my marriage was affected because of all that crap. I know there are many many girls going through the very same thing right now and I want them to know it’s not them, it’s the other person.
And as you said for #1-focus your energy to improve your relationship with your spouse, because everything these in-laws do will break your marriage apart. Don’t let that happen.
LikeLike
Desi bahu,
Victim blaming in our Indian culture is very sad. I can completely relate to you enduring re-victimizing comments such as “What did you do to make your mother in law so upset?” The truth is the abused victim is desperately trying to please the abuser! The more you please, the more they think they can walk all over you.
I know some of us want instant validation and comfort, but we must be careful about who we disclose to. It’s important to talk about our issues, but only with people that are compassionate, supportive and won’t blame us.
LikeLike
brokendesigirl-Thanks so much for referring my blog. I’m not at the point where I can take comments from others, but it means a lot to me!
When I started my blog, I had no idea girlsguidetosurvival.com existed. Kudos to you desi girl for starting this.
LikeLike
DG .. I think it is time to change my username from broken desi girl to something else .. will try.. just to avoid the confusion :). Should have been more original 🙂
LikeLike
Desi girl, it’s me Lurker and I took your advice on moving my blog to wordpress.com. The old blog is gone, but I made a new one. I still have a lot of work to do though!
http://nolongeraslave.wordpress.com/
LikeLike
Pretty good points. Loved it. As you had put exactly, dont ffollow traditional wisdom – win by love. yes, and the more you try to bribe them , they start to feel that you are compensating your guilt with gifts and start to demand more.
I am loving your blog , need to read all the posts:)
LikeLike
BDG….I understand what you are saying and I appreciate your openness.
It is really sad that human relationships are so complex. Again we have our own frames of reference; maybe I have not come across any severe case as people are discussing here.
Everyone should be happy, there should be co-existence and respect for each others values.
One thing I may add here though – as far as possible, newly married couples should avoid staying with in-laws, at least initially because there has to be an unadultrated bonding between them that ought to last a lifetime.
All other points need more consideration and deliberation than a poor wizard can ever offer 🙂
I wish you the best ….always.
LikeLike
BDG = Broken DesiGirl
Simple 🙂
Frankly, I meant for my post to go to her but got confused while replying so it landed in your basket, methinks…lol.
I do not wish to counter every argument here because the subject is vast and one can discuss endlessly. I have put forth my views to which I got some replies and suggestions that I appreciate.
Will be visiting your blog often :)…just to see the other side of the fence 🙂
I am leaving this post ( not blog ) … with one take-away ( and the SAME give-away …LOL ) and that is- ” Listen to what the other person is saying, evaluate without putting your own frames of reference, and respect the other persons ideas, however outlandish, or stupid or contrary to your own they may appear to be ”
Peace n Happiness always …
🙂
LikeLike
I think there is a mismatch here 🙂
Desi Bahus DO NOT have problems with in-laws or husbands. It is the educated, working, shahari or (in thought) videshi bahus that have more issues.
More so, if their husbands too are desi – and its not about education or awareness level but in their attitude and behavior.
LikeLike
Education and social awareness of the injustice only expedites the process of elimination of desi bahus, who are only trying to live with their god given human dignity. People like these in laws only know the language of manipulation. But these educated desi bahus would rather a real life in love. Does not matter if you are educated or uneducated, as a daughter in law you are an object ONLY.
This wizard post person sounds like my soon to be ex father in law, who blamed my husbands extra marital excursions of sleeping with prostitutes on me his daughter in law. Sad to see how an educated person can come up with a thought like that.
LikeLike
Look…I did agree to the points brought forth by so many people here but merely said that things are changing for the better. Look around and you will know they are.
I think this is an open forum where we can discuss without bringing in personal issues; if you have them with your husband or FIL it is not my fault :)…
I for one would love a fiery daughter in law like you…
Sigh! But then you only wish to here resonance to your own thoughts!
There are numerous women bloggers who regularly blog about issues that marr desi marriages and there are even greater number of readers and comment writers who endorse what they are writing. Those who do not blog or are not educated or shahari according to you are also making their discontent known. Leigh Minturn’s Sita’s Daughters Revisited will be a very good first hand source to observe social change in everyday life.
http://books.google.ca/books?id=qkchsdDYXbcC&printsec=frontcover&dq=Sita's+daughters+Revisited+minturn&source=bl&ots=9hCcqL31Zs&sig=tm8NCTlY37XaoAfK6cvBxVUvY8Q&hl=en&ei=O-spTbvkCoG6sQOX5emnBw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&sqi=2&ved=0CBkQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false
DG
LikeLike
I did get a little carried away there. Sorry. Yes this is an open forum and we can express our thoughts without shutting down the other person. I do not mean to be pessimistic, but I do not believe things are really changing. I feel this is a generational thing and women need to emphatize with other women who are going through the same issues, instead of being the perpetrators of the abuse.
For example, I see my sister in law, who has had the same issues with her husband – only son and 3 sisters. They are both educated, in the US, but the guy should have married mommy dearest. Sadly, my own sister in law, does not feel the need to not interfere in our life, she has to control her brother…who is unfortunately at the bottom of the food chain in this family.
The way I look at it is my husband is so fearful of his family’s disapproval, that he has dedicated his life to pleasing everyone else while sacrificing his own marriage. They know that the slightest hint of their disapproval of him, they can have him running around them in circles. Difficult for a sane person to keep up with manipulative games like that. I guess one has to be just like them to deal with them. I for one could not keep up with the mind games..I wish i knew what the solution was, other than get exhausted and lose my sanity.
LikeLike
a girl has not only to deal with in-laws but with the desi husband as well. i’m sure you know so much you can make a list of behaviors of saas, fil, bhabis, and husband. bad relationship is meant to happen. no matter how much you love your hubby, his behavior, especially his family’s, creates a distance between the couple. you cannot love and respect the person the same way you did in the beginning no matter what. your hubby might change years later, but trust is gone.
thanx for letting us know we are not alone. it’s only when i read on your site that i realized i wasn’t the only one with such such in-laws. but what is wrong with the husbands? why do they marry if they are only bringing in a thing? why don’t they marry their family, or mother, geez? why even “love” marriage, when it is not a love marriage? is our definition of love different from theirs? they think love is, “i don’t cheat on you, i spend money on you, i’m honest with you.”
LikeLike
Yes you are correct, I do need to sit with him and tell him what my needs are, and he should do the same as well. I might not love him as before, unless he can show me that I can trust him, but I love my spineless squid. There is a reason for men being on earth, and a reason for women being on earth. We’re same, but unique. We need each other. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be born with boobs and uterus and they wouldn’t be born different physically (handsome and muscular). Men are not perfect, neither are women. There are bad men out there, as there are women.
Our desi men definately have issues, as do mils, fils, sils, wives/bahus, the whole system is screwed up. If people are open-minded, if they are willing to change for the better, if they are not evil beings, they can be changed. To bring change into society, we need to educate people and the women have to start standing up.
LikeLike
i meant women have to start standing up for themselves.
In our culture, people think you have to scare the girl into being kind and subservient. What they don’t understand is that if you love the bahu and treat her kindly, if you are kind to your son’s wife, your brother’s wife, your wife, naturally(because I believe women are more forgiving and sacrificing in nature)the girl will give that love back. But the problem is the girls from there as well. I’ve heard of girls abusing the in-laws. IT ALL STEMS FROM GREED, POVERTY, UNEDUCATION.
LikeLike
did ur squid (ahem!..hubby) have serious relationships b4 marriage. u c another reason is boys n girls here don’t get liberty to understand their youthful needs n take care of each other until they land in d marriage trap.
LikeLike
correct, nobody can change anybody. i have learned this by now as well as read it again and again.the person themselves have to change.
LikeLike
Why are things like this so predominant in our Indian soceity. How can we change it. I come from 12 years of oppression, a Catholic married to a Punjabi Hindu. Love marriage obviously. My in laws never gave me a chance. They made him feel like he had let them down by marrying out of religion and the guilt affected him. He was emotionally abusive still is..with me, arrogant with my parents. All this started right after marriage. His father has made statements like “Is this why we sacrificed for you ?”, threaten abandonment..all along my husband would say that I was not doing enough to adjust to them and make them like me. My sis in law would taunt me. They would emotionally blackmail him and play crazy mind games I could never keep up with. I was tired, went through depression, found my faith bounced back. Got pregnant, my husband wanted me to abort our baby because he could not deal with his father’s backlash if we planned to do anything christian with the child..had a miscarriage..our baby never had a chance to survive. He made a scene at my sisters wedding, again because his parents made him feel guilty for spending time with his wife.. he had slept with a prostitute..which i found out about over the phone..(there is a god).. After that I woke up.. no one could take me for granted anymore. Then I found out about Narcissism and it made me realize that I had been living with a Narcissist for the last 12 years, and Narcissitic in laws. I think there was a period in between where he was seriously trying to change, but his parents came to visit us and that was the end of the relationship..lot of drama..because I did not back down. Sadly, our Indian culture is very Narcisstic, with the way sons and men are treated in soceity..when will it change.. even the educated.. lawyers .. doctors..subscribe to this way of thinking. My husband saya that Lord Ganesha has taught him to worship his parents.. but what about his wife ??
LikeLike
@Broken Girl,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
You are not alone, we sailed in the same boat sista…
You asked, How can we change it?
By being informed. How our social system works and how even the so called educated doctors and engineers subscribe to it without any qualms. GGTS is committed to expose the salient mechanizations of social desi system that oppressed people not only subscribe to it but also become its gatekeepers. Please read the following:
Sorry for your loss. If any consolation that you are not alone, Desi Girl was kicked in the belly eight weeks pregnant. It is a relife coz’ it shows what awaited the baby.
Same pinch at my cousin’s wedding we had our drama queen acting out of his inferiority complex. And his God foresaken mother had a trip to emergency room and they found nothing wrong with her just high BP. How can one immdediately get high BP? Very easy disolve lots of salt in water and drink BINGO you are in ER.
Desi Girl is so glad you found your faith. Your faith never gave upon you, just you did. 🙂 It pays to stick to something greater than all of us.
Did Lord Ganesha ask him to marry outside his religion and caste? Oh my, did he tell him to have a love marriage and not an arranged. I am sorry you did not know that lord Ganesha had two wives. I guess he married the first one on his own and the mommy dear brought in the second one 🙂 (No offences to anyone just a speculation or why else one have two wives.)
You asked,… the way sons and men are treated in soceity..when will it change…
The minute women as mothers, sisters, wives,girlfriends realize they are human just like men so they do not need to put these mortals on the pedestle. Women have to start treating themseleves as humans first (not as slaves to men) before they can expect to be treated like one by men.
Keep coming back
It works if you work it.
Work it because you are worth it.
Please don’t be broken anymore. Desi Girl is proud of you. You are memded and you set example for many more.
Sorry for delay in response. DG has no good excuse, she is just little lazy. One comment at a time 🙂
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Sending you love & Peace,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
Thank you desigirl for your heart warming support and revelations. That song is beautiful and so are your words. Looking at the way you are giving others inspiration and hope is refreshing. I wish I can too someday. That will make 12 years of my life trying to be loved.. mean something. i still believe in love though 🙂
LikeLike
I do empathize with you and believe me, i do understand what you would be going though…since i deal with similar cases on regular basis.
I do not know whether you have had children ( despite the abortion that your hubby wanted you to have ) but if things are really this bad i wonder if you would be contemplating legal action or simply moving out! More so, as no end seems to be in sight. After all, even if you can change the hubby’s attitude ( remember, he did once love you )…the in laws will always ensure he remains the same.
I don’t even know how many years have you been married; so my suggestion for any specific course of action would be a bit out of the way, maybe.
Do write to me if you need any suggestions and help or just a good friend, maybe based on some more input; i could help. Its reikidoc@gmail.com and please go thru my other blog http://healings.weebly.com/ for more details.
Its been nice knowing you.
Thanks and God Bless
LikeLike
Hi DG,
Decided to go with the name change from Broken Desi Girl to broken_no_more, because I really do not feel broken anymore. I mean it. Sometimes one has to drown, to get a new breath of life, and that is what I feel I have done. So yes, I moved on, got a fresh new perspective at life, I have been into counseling and prayed a hell of a lot. I would pray to the Lord for healing him, making him realize.. but then, realized that maybe God wanted me to heal myself first.
There are times when I feel sad, for what my husband has become. I still pray for him, because I feel sad for him, and I guess I still love him. I have come to realize that his fear of his parents, especially of his father never really allowed him to know selfless love. His father has had such a hold over him, that it makes me sad and angry at God sometimes for allowing parents to manipulate and emotionally blackmail their own children. As a child, we cannot walk away from abuse or even recognize abuse, and find ways to cope with it, even if it means becoming spineless squids with their parents master manipulators with their wife and her family. His father has made sure that he his son know, how he let the father down, by not marrying a Punjabi. That has been a sword hanging over our marriage. His father has been key to causing stress in our marriage and my husband was really spineless before his father. He could not bear his father’s dissapproval..and those are the mind games these parents play.
Sometimes if one parent is bad you could get so relief from another, here my mil too was quite a terror. I think she herself has lost it after trying to please an authoritarian husband, and the only way she herself has survived is because of her dominating personality. So you can only imagine how powerful my father – in – law really is in this family. He told his son , it was OK that he slept with a prostitute, he told me that it was my fault. It makes me sick, to know that father’s who are supposed to be good role models for their sons, don’t do their jobs, end up creating monsters like themselves… But the same man FIL will bend over backwards to make sure his damaad is happy… He has gone to lengths to please his daughters in laws , but when it came to our marriage, he jumped at getting rid of me at the first opportunity he got. I think I gave him that opportunity, because I was living in hell, with my husband always fearing his father. So after I moved out, they all swooped in FIL, MIL and my SILs (2).
Within a month of my moving out, my husband was already on match.com and shaadi.com looking for a replacement..I was not surprised, but I was relieved that I was dealing with dysfunction for 12 years of my life. That helped me wake up and realize that these people had my their own son and brother so cripled emotionally, that he really did not have the tools to deal with stress. A dysfuntional mess FIL, MIL and SIls included.
My husband has an uncle, whose wives left him because he was so controlled by his mother. He is lonely in his old age now. He has wives and an son somewhere..cursing him for ruining their lives. I guess when one does not have good role models in the family you grew up in, there is nothing much one can do. This has been a family of dog eat dog, and my husband was really at the bottom of the food chain. The only one he controlled and abused was me. Till I woke up, divine intervention had a big part to play in it. I called my husband up one day, and he instead of turning the phone off, kept it on and I heard all his stories of him boasting to a friend of how he slept with a prostitutes, did all the cool stuff the strip clubs etc… That was divine intervention and miracle and the beginning of my journey to accept abuse no more. I only have my dear sweet Lord Jesus to thank for it. Or else I still would have been living with a narcissist and continued to believe his lies, of how the relationship was all wrong because of me.
I know I probably must have gone one and on..but DG just letting it out helps so much. I hope someone else reading this, just learns to say no to abuse.
Peace 🙂
LikeLike
Hi GGTS,
It was great conversing with you yesterday. Thanks a tonne for your support and encouragement.
Mehak
LikeLike
Thanks GGTS.
I soaked in a lot of good ideas from your reply. I will definitely implement them. I have a supportive group of people back home. And I make sure that I keep my sister and parents informed about what is happening here and at my in laws’ end.
I know I have to become a very strong person and I am getting ready for it. Hope my in laws’ get a piece of “new” me this time.
Thanks a tonne
Mehak
LikeLike
Mehak,
I am glad you find peace here at GGTS. I want you to know that it is very important where you come from. Any effort you make it should come from kindness and compassion be it for your self or others but firmly. Just be aware of feelings of angst, anger and setting the score straight, that is where we loose sight of what we want.
Kindness and compassion are like salt and pepper in our life, there moderation makes the meal tasty or it is hard to swallow. Keep us posted. Have a safe trip to Desh,
Good luck,
Desi Girl
LikeLike
@ girlsguidetosurvival: Thanks a lot for replying to my comments. I really appreciate the pain you have taken to explain to me that I am not a jerk to expect decency from my husband and his family.. and that, unfortunately, I am not the only girl who is facing such issues.
There are so many issues that I can’t even state them here.. because the space will fall short!! It’s been more than a year since I got married. I went to India last year and my husband was here because of his job. I went to my in-laws’ house where I was bombed with thier nasty comments.. and they had a gala time, because I was alone. So they would talk to me privately and would say all sorts of rubbish. They kept on repeating ,” humaare bete ke liye to itne rishte aaye the… koi car de raha tha.. koi 1 crore rupees de raha tha.. humaare pundit se humaari baat nahin ho paayi nahin to ye shaadi nahin hoti.” I felt totally worthless.. I had a permanent job in Delhi at one of the best companies in the world.. and I have more degrees than my husband. I have a masters degree and my husband has his bachelors.. I left my job because of marriage and there has never been any appreciation on that part from them.
My SILs are no better. Where I live right now, it snows heavily. She keeps on saying,” tumhaare to maze aa gaye.. tere to armaan poore ho rahe hain.. tune sapno mein jaisa dekha hoga waisa hi lagta hoga tujhe wahaan par.. ” Recently she asked about the weather here and it was raining very heavily those days so I told her about it. She instantly remarked,” waah jao fir baahar saawan ke maze lo.” I am growing weary of such remarks . I don’t know what to say to them. What should I do?
When I went to India last year, all sorts of “gift requests” started poring in. We had a rough time last year and I didn’t even have a bed in my apartment. We used to sleep on a mattress. Forget about sofa or anything. And still, when we informed them about my plan to come to India, my mother in law asked me to bring stuff even for their neighbours… perfums, cosmetics,video games and what not. My husband spent nearly 2000 $ just on gifts. When we ( my husband and I) were coming back from India, it was his birthday the following day. But no one gave him even a penny. This is his family.
What can you say about this?
LikeLike
Dear Mehak,
We are sailing in the same boat sister. Been there and done that. My assurance to you at this moment does not matter much because you are in the situation and it is over whelming. I am guessing you are situated somewhere in the north east or Midwest U.S.A. living in a suburb near your spouse’s work place. All the people you know are his friends or wives of his colleagues who may not even share your profession or educational background. You guys have one car and he takes it to the work. You are on a dependent visa H4 or L2; if it is H4 you are totally dependent on your spouse as you cannot have a work permit or social security number. Even if you have an EAD the job market is really bad so nothing much is coming forth. If we begin from here I know you feel stranded and both emotionally and physically isolated and on the top of it the remote controlling from 11,000 miles.
So what can you do about this whole ongoing drama piled on you? Let us begin with things you can control. Are you in any position to control any of your material conditions? Make a list of things you can change like you can take the car and go out on your own. Are you able to join any organization? Are you able to meet people who are not known to your spouse? If yes, then begin doing that.
Getting Busy
Go to the nearest university or community college and enroll in some classes. Yes, I know it is expensive because you have not yet established your residency so got to nearest Regional Occupational Center or adult education center and find out about hobby classes. This way you’ll not only be busy but you’ll meet new people. If even that is not possible then go and learn ice skating it is fun. I wobble but I still have lots of fun. You do not even have to buy skates you can rent them and take a lesson. Go you local YWCA or YMCA. Staying indoors and lack of sun can make even a healthy person depressed. Do some kind of physical exercise. Your health is your best friend, keep it with you.
Making Dependable Friends
Personally I am not very interested in desi aa bahen chugali karen karyakram nor do I like to talk about other people’s kids so I prefer meeting people who are from different cultures and share my interests. Also remember, desi women friends are able to help you only as much you will be able to help them if a need arise. Like you these women are also dependent on their spouses and will do as they are told. So develop your own friendships and support circle.
Find the nearest American Association of University Women chapter and join it. That way you’ll meet some very supportive and strong women. Be part of something greater, go and volunteer in the near by school or library. Yes, many of my clients joined Mandir, Gurudwara groups and when things went south in their marriages they were dropped like hot potatoes by these very groups.
Take Responsibility
Yes, it is very difficult to be idle, isolated and be dependent on the spouse for all your needs that too after you had had a successful career. You made a conscious choice to quit your successful job and join your spouse abroad. I agree there is a social and cultural expectation from a woman that she’ll follow her spouse and make the marriage work. But you cannot expect his family to appreciate your sacrifice because to them it was your duty. I was in the same situation.
When you got married you knew your spouse’s qualifications. Again you made a choice now you cannot retract. I was more qualified and professionally experienced but I made a choice to marry him and later follow him abroad. Even he did not consider it not even aate mein namak barabar. This thought of lack in the partner comes to mind when the partner is not able to meet our emotional needs. Or when his family starts belittling you and you want to prove your worth.
Giving Your Power Away
Now, coming to remarks by the SIL, “tumhaare to maze aa gaye.. tere to armaan poore ho rahe hain.. tune sapno mein jaisa dekha hoga waisa hi lagta hoga tujhe wahaan par…” It is bothering you because this was not the life you dreamt of. Next time if she says that please tell her “yes, you are right just as my dreams have come true I wish all your dreams come true too.” His sister use to constantly tell me how lucky I was that her brother is my husband. I told her in the presence of her brother “yes, indeed I am lucky and I want her to have exactly a husband like mine.” Believe me he started crying and accusing me that I cursed his sister because he knew how bad a husband he was. Don’t give away your power to people unnecessarily. For “waah jao fir baahar saawan ke maze lo.” Tell her aapke bhaya ke bine maze kaise, he is working hard to payoff last India trip? But do not ever even think of inviting her abroad. About the Pundit thing next time suggest them they can consult the pundit now or tell them now it is too late. I am here to stay. Be assertive; inform your parents and some supportive friends who’ll be able to speak up for you about these remarks.
Basically there is no end to this exchange of filmy dialogues. Every week you can write to me and I’ll suggest some crisp counter dialogues because I have a stock of unsaid dialogues. Do you think is it worth your time and energy? Keep the conversation to minimum with people who are disrespectful. Just be pleasant and exchange pleasantries. You can’t expect anything better from bitter people. When you’ll have your own friends and hobbies you’ll not have much time to engage with this dysfunctional lot.
After these many years I have come to understand what is meant by “Nobody can make you feel bad without your consent.” You are feeling bad because what ever the people on the other continent (including your family and girl friends) are assuming about your life abroad is not true and you are putting up a façade that things are great. You are feeling bad because none of your dreams about the life in foreign have come true. One feels cheated because one made so many compromises and the resulatant was sub zero. But that is not the end of the world. You can and only you can find your peace, nobody can give it to you.
Be Proactive
I am guessing yours was an arranged marriage and it is a new marriage. Did you guys talk about finances and your future goals? I was exactly in the same situation. We went to India and he spent $4000 just on gifts and then transferred $4000 to his mom’s account. They gave us nothing. Believe me not even a sari for holi rather his mother stole my stuff. Where as my parents gave me and him not only dresses, gold but stuff for every day use. So what is happening to you is not unusual, it is very common practice. Those sitting in India think the money grows on the trees abroad. So make a date for taking about your future financial goals. Make a budget. How much you guys plan to save this year and how will you invest that money. Do you have any assets together other than car? Do you guys have a joint account? Do you have a credit card in your name? If yes, good. If no, then work on getting it done. Be proactive don’t do like I did. I gave up because it was physically abusive marriage. Also, I felt it was not worth my time and energy, eight years of misery was all I could take.
About quality of life and standard of living, it is your basic right to have minimum required furniture and nutrition. In India families save for months and years to buy a piece of furniture and an electronic gadget but here you can buy things in a month’s salary. Get on craigslist and get what you want; look in the free stuff category too. If he has money for gifts for neighbors he should definitely have money for basic needs. What does this tell you? He can not stand up for himself and tell his folks (with whom he has lived all his life) “I don’t have money it was a tough year” but he expects you (he is been with you for less than a year) to be understanding and non-demanding. Just because understanding and compromise comes with the job profile of a wife.
I suggested in the previous response think about getting professional counseling. You are feeling hurt, isolated and are over whelmed by constant bombardment of nasty comments. Make your self immune to external influences through some form of meditation and spiritual practice. I was introduced to Kundalini yoga by my roommates. It really helped me resolve my issues and made me a better person.
I want you to know you’ll be fine just keep your heart in the right place. Believe me you are loved and valued not only by your parents and siblings but by GGTS because I see myself in you. Most of all you have to love and value your self before you can expect others to do the same.
GGTS sends you warm thoughts, lots of love and hugs
LikeLike
Hi GGTS,
Thank you so much for your encouraging reply. Whenever I feel low, I come back to your blog and your reply to my problems. This does console me a lot.
Yes I live on the north east coast here in states. My personal experiences have been “not good” and that’s why I keep missing India. My husband is kind of authoritative for me, but for his parents, he is their “PET.” If I tell him about any comments that his parents pass, which I don’t like, he tells me that he will talk to them about it and that he will “fix” everything. But this never happens.. It’s been almost one and a half years since we got married and I’m sure he has never raised any concern regarding how bad I feel about those nasty comments. He probably thinks that I will forget once an issue is old, but it is very difficult to not to think about what they say because they make sure that they give me a full lecture on everything and unfortunately, when anything else comes up, my husband confronts me by saying,” tujhe to har cheez se problem hoti hai.. tujhe to har kisi se problem hai.” Is that the kind of support I deserve? NO !!
When I joined my husband here last year, the apartment he was living in, was BAD. It was infested with mice and cockroaches and what not. there was no dishwasher at home, no washer/dryer.. no nothing.. And my husband does not even know how to make tea and maggi.. though he has been living here for almost 6 years now.. so the whole cooking thing has been my responsibility. When I was in my in laws’ house just after marriage, my MIL used to say that my rotis were uncooked. And I don’t know what did she say to my husband, but I really had a hard time when I came here. My husband used to make me cook 4-5 rotis and then he would “choose” the best .. which, according to him, was the one properly cooked, and thus he could eat that 1 out of th 4-5 I made.. And so eventually, I would end up making 9-10 rotis out of which he would choose the best 2/3 to eat. All the cleaning stuff and all.. washing utensils, vacuum cleaning the apartment, everything was my duty. And it didn’t take long for my body to react to this. I started having constant pain in my right hand. This was last april. When I mentioned my pain condition to my in laws, they said that probably it is nothing and that I don’t need to see a doctor… Imagine! But fortunately, my husband saw that my pain was getting worse and he took me to a doctor. I was diagnosed with elbow tendonitis and rotator cuff tendonitis in my right hand. I was even tested for cervical cancer. Can you imagine my state of mind when I was being tested for cancer?? Now I have pain in my right hand since a year now. It just doesn’t go. I have been going for physiotherapy here ( and you can imagine how expensive medical expenses are in states) I feel like I am handicapped now. Dealing with constant pain in my arm( from my fingers right up to my neck) has brought down my moral and self esteem. Tears roll down my eyes as I write about this to you. I have never heard my in laws asking my husband to help me in house hold work. But yes, They do ask me, “aaj kya bana rahi hai khaane mein fir?” I don’t know if they even consider me a human being. When we brought furniture for our apartment a few months ago, my sister in law told me, ” chal achha hai tum logon ne furniture le liya.. aur kuch karne ko nahin ho to dusting hi kar liyo.” And here I am, cooking and doing everything my self.. They somehow feel that life here is a piece of cake and that I am living like a princess here. And one very frequent question is:” fir tu saara din ghar mein kya karti rehti hai?” I don’t know if they are that stupid to not understand things once, twice or even thrice… I always tell them that even cleaning the kitchen takes time because I do it alone and I don’t have any domestic help here.. But somehow, this doesn’t seem to pacify them. I am certain,, that when I go to India, they are going to ask me the same question again and again( unfortunately.) What should I say to them??
I am going to India next week and you wouldn’t believe what they are doing now. My sister in law rang us up and said” mere bachhe to bas apni mami se baat karna chahte hain.. ” and then she handed the phone to them and I heard her saying in the background, ” haan haan bolo mami ko kya chahiye tumhe wahaan se.” Now they are asking their kids to talk to us and get them gifts…. How cheap… My husband was more than glad to run to the nearest stores to get video game CDs for as much as $ 30… and colors for kids and pens and what not.. greedy people. And these demands were coming from families who are filthy rich! Nowadays we get everything in India, but they still are crazy for stuff from “foreign” on which I see nothing but “made in China” tags… which we are able to get in India aswell.. But greed has no end..
My jewellery and expensive saarees everything is with my mother in law and I know they are misusing them. I don’t know what to do to save my own personal stuff.. specially my jewellery.
This leaves me completely drained.. Looking forward to your reply on my situation.
Thanks
Mehal
LikeLike
Dear Mehak,
Desi Girl feels good that she is making some difference to someone. She commiserates with you. You remind her so much of herself, she was another Mehak just a few fateful years ago. After eleven months of stay abroad when I was leaving for desh for four weeks it was exactly the same story. We were to fly in the morning at night he started acting up and throwing things at me because he was so freaked out about facing his mother and sister. At that time I told him I don’t want to die but I want our plane to crash because I do not know how else to end this misery. So now you can imagine how desperate I would have been.
I felt so powerless that I wanted someone to just fix my problems or tell me what to do. I tried every thing in my power doing exactly what they wanted, even giving more of my self and at one point it became I had nothing left to give other than my silence, my distant and removed look. Even that was not acceptable, “yeh kisi cheez mein interest he nahin leti,” “ghamandi hai,” “apane aapko kya samjhati hai” etc. In those days I did not even know how to use computer or I could have sought some kind of support from some forum etc. So the point is make a plan how you will deal with this situation. But I developed my spiritual core where nobody could reach me or hurt me. Violence could physically hurt my body but could not break my spirit. But violence impacts your self esteem. Please arrest it before it escalates.
As we discussed in the previous response what you can do. First thing stop giving away your power. Develop some thick skin. You know everyday over the phone they are going to ask you “tu saara din ghar mein kya karti rehti hai?” Prepare a befitting answer or give the same answer every time so that after sometime you can say “I guess by now you know the answer by heart.” You can also try answering in mono syllables- yes, no, kuchh nahin, pata nahin etc. Keep talking to the minimum. You don’t have to give details of every thing- kya khaya, kya piya. Yes, I understand you want to talk to someone in Hindi and feel as a part of that family. But why keep knocking the door that you know the other person is unwilling to open for your entry. I love talking in Hindi too so you can imagine how it would have been for me. You remember Rinki, you met her in previous posts, and she just gave up.
Mehak, I have similar problems with my hand and you would have read I was physically in pieces, put together with pins and needles. So I can understand. Pay attention to your health. Your health is important for you because it is your body. Even if your parents love you they cannot take your pain away. They can pray for you but it is you who has to bear the pain; so your health in not any one’s business besides you. Division of labor at home is always a bone of contention with new couples and especially where the woman is not working outside the home. As men think they entitled to services from wives for they bring home the money. About making chapattis for your husband according to his whims and fancies is ridiculous. Just ask him to show you what a good chapatti looks like and then just follow the directions. I am good cook because I am fond of eating so he had to find faults with the color of the curry. You guys are still getting to know each other so try to do some hobby together other than watching T.V. or movies. Ask your family physician for referral for counseling. I’ll recommend couple’s counseling. I am guessing you are physically and emotionally isolated and you are at a verge of slipping into clinical depression. Please seek professional help. It is a smart thing to do, to be proactive about your health and life.
Your in-laws are trying to prevent you guys from saving anything. That is a very common tactic. Take to your spouse and set a target how much you guys are going to save every year and what major expenditures you’ll make every year. Usually our families have every thing back in India and our parents have retirement and pensions so they do not need any big financial support from. But guys think they have to pay back to their parents because they spent money on their education. Forgetting that even our parents spent on our education and then on our weddings. These parents do not ask for a certain amount but look for expensive gifts or meaningless gifts to impress the people they do not like such as, neighbors, colleagues. Thus the money spent by the couple goes unaccounted for even if it is in thousands. So be insistent on making this financial date with your spouse.
You are not as powerless as you think. I thought not doing anything was my only option but that too was a choice I was making I did not know that until I came out of it. This time when you go home make your parents aware of your situation. God forbid things go further south in your marriage at least someone will be aware and be there for you. Or else every one will say “O, you didn’t tell us earlier. It surprised us. Had we known earlier we could have done something” etc. Though, people other than your parents rarely do anything because they do not know what to do. But this way you at least know who is genuinely helpful there after you can access your resources and supporters. I did not tell my parents but I told my three girl friends. When things became worse my girl friends spoke for me and convinced my parents about my decision. Remember, I had invested a great deal in these friendships. Even if they do not call me or write to me I make sure I regularly communicate with them. All were married (all were working except for me) even then they made sure they had enough courage to speak up for a friend.
About your saries and jewelry, they did the same thing to me. My MIL made me remove every piece of jewelry at the airport. She even wanted me to remove the mangalsutra. I was so bugged that I even gave away the sets my parents gave me, there at the airport. I had no ornaments to wear when I was abroad but when I came back to desh she wanted me to wear ornaments because it reflected poorly on her “bahu bina gehno ke ghoom rahi hai.” Please start wearing your jewelry and good saries in everyday life because this is the time and these things are not going to lay eggs and hatch tiny saries and ornaments as we say in desh. Once you start wearing them in everyday life it will be lot easier to move few things to the locker. I did not even get to open most of my saries from the gift wrappings.
Also, once you are in desh try to research job opportunities. That way you’ll see how much skill you have lost and how much you retain. It will also help you assess where you stand in the job market. May be on your return you can think of going to school as now you have established your residency.
Desi girl wishes she had a magic wand to wipe of your troubles. Believe her she would have done that but Mehak this is your battle and you have to fight it. You cannot keep looking at others to give you answers. Please seek professional intervention like counseling. I mention number of books in my posts, please refer them. You are always welcome here at GGTS. Even when you are in Desh try to make time for GGTS that way you’ll have some support. You can even do a chat with Desi Girl. Or just visit us to keep us posted about your end.
Desi Girl sends you lots of warm thoughts and support.
Peace
LikeLike
hi
i must say your response is very practical and correct
i am actually from Pakistan and the male dominated society in Pakistan gives the male side of a marriage a lot of importance
i am a physician and my husband is a physician too but i have been the victim of mental abuse from my inlaws.
LikeLike
Dear Mehak,
My warmest wishes to you. I will pray to God that you find yourself in a comfortable situation, as you must have seen in your sapne, very soon 🙂
Best,
Sonali
LikeLike
Hi,
I have been reading this blog for a few days now..nd I must say.. I feel as if I am reading my own story… My husband says he loves me..spends money on me… but his mother/father/sisters keep passing rude comments on me.. I am living in a different country at the moment.. but it doesn’t stop them from treating me like a thing.. rather than a person.. and I am fed up of this as whenever I tell him about the remarks they make, he ends up explaining to me how concerned his parents are , for him…and that I am too egoistic to take their remarks positively.. and what not… The fact is..They make rude remarks!! They are using my clothes, jewellery and everything at my back..!! I have not told my husband about it because of the fear of being called selfish again.. 😦 😦 They have such a strong influence on my husband that he is totally blinded by what they say…. Can you imagine… my father in law told me that marriage is not about having sex.. How could he be so cheap! And when I told my husband about it, he said nothing!!!!! He just started smiling… how cheap ..again… what do I do??
LikeLike
Welcome to GGTS safe space. Now you know that you are not alone there are many desi women in the same boat. The problem here is lack of personal boundaries. He and his family have no concept of boundaries. Their boundaries come in to existence when “you mehak” asks for something; some behavior in particular to stop.
Desi marriages are basically induction of a woman into man’s family, where to prove her loyalty and establish herself she is to give up her personal boundaries. In many communities this begins with the ceremonies related to “peti khulayi,” opening of the bridal trousseaus. In this ceremony women from the conjugal family ask the new bride to open her trousseaus and then the sisters-in-law pick up what ever they want. The aim is to teach the new bride that what she owns is not her personal; her conjugal kin has a right to not only use it but to take it all together. To a foreigner this would seem like a very good way of bonding with the new family but in reality such ceremonial omission of boundaries sets the precedence of more violations in the coming time. The new bride out of so called humility (she is not selfish), honor (she has to protect the honor of her natal family- what did they teach her) and need to please and be accepted into the new family remains silent. Gradually this is taken for granted and she finds out the conjugal kind is walking all over her. In some other communities the new bride and man’s sister are given identical outfit as a bonding gesture that they both will be treated equally by the family members. The problem arises when this sister starts competing against the new bride and her brother starts buying identical stuff for both and forgets that wife deserves different treatment than sister.
You don’t have to tell your Sharvan Kumar that his mother and sisters are using your personal effects and jewelry he already knows that. He has a history with them he knows them inside out and what they are up to. It serves him to act ignorant of it because he does not know how to handle them either. I have personally experienced this. His mother was a school teacher and loved wearing different clothes to work; basically competing with other teachers. Before I left the country I paid Rs. 700.00 to get each of my saries and cardigans dry cleaned. On my return she told her son in my presence that she has washed all my clothes and ironed them for me. When we were alone I told him do you think I am an idiot that I don’t see that she used my stuff in my absence and then ruined it by washing it at home. He knew pretty much that was true because I am a very organized and clean person and I had the receipt for dry cleaning in my possession. But the thought of confronting his mother made his pants wet.
One of the ways to manipulate adult children is to assure them that parents have their best interest in their mind and they know the best. When adult children start questioning second stage of manipulation ensues by guilt induction followed by dramas various kinds. He is using the same tactics in maintaining status quo by manipulating you. He says he loves you and spends money on you. Ask yourself: Do his words match his actions? Is spending money on the lawfully wedded wife symbolic of love? Love is definitely more than that. Please read the Lets Talk: Communication Deadlock. In your relationship you can’t even talk about your legitimate concerns because you are afraid of being accused of selfishness and name calling that you are egotistic. Is that really love?
What your father in-law told you, his mother said to me. It is a very common tactic to upset the woman because our modesty taboos proscribe us from talking back. Most of all how do you even tell this to your spouse that his parent(s) is anal and has no boundaries. I learned early on in the marriage “if you are in love and sex is not good it doesn’t matter but if you are not in love and sex is not good it is a big problem.” Next time if you don’t feel like having sex, quote your FIL to your spouse then you don’t have to fake a headache.
I am adding my personal details here so that you know how common it is. Amu, Simmi, Shanu all have more stories to share. Now the issue is what to do about it? For a change how about being called selfish because no matter what you do you will still be accused of being selfish at some point. You have a greater duty to yourself; if you keep simmering like this you’ll develop bitterness towards life and that is not the purpose of life. You are in a different country so you have no control over what they do with your stuff, so for now let it go. It is just stuff, when you reach there just give it away to a homeless person or donate it and buy new stuff; this could send a strong message.
There is no set formula or decoction that would rid you of his family’s nasty attitude because it is not about you but them and you have no control over them. I have learned identifying the purpose of one’s life and practicing assertiveness skills help in dealing with dysfunctional people.
Healing and protecting your self is not only your human right but your sacred duty too. I am guessing you have not yet thought about seeking professional help regarding your situation. Most of all we do not even know how to phrase the problem that “my in-laws make snide remarks and I feel hurt,” so something is wrong with me. Yes, something is definitely wrong with me that I am over whelmed by these psychological attacks may be I too sensitive; I am unable to protect myself and my partner won’t support me. The other common reasons for not seeking help are- it is not that serious, it is very common problem in desi families or only troubled people seek help. The fact is only smart people seek help because they understand they are not able to manage the situation on their own. Speak to your partner about seeking professional counseling. To him this is more of your problem as he is not the one dealing with snide remarks so chances are he’ll be resistant to this idea. If he refuses to come with you, go by yourself. You can also speak to your doctor and ask for referrals to marriage and family therapists for couple’s counseling or just counseling for self.
Where ever you are I am guessing you have access to more resources than India. Pick up the yellow pages or google for information on local non-profits working with women and children. If you can then offer to volunteer, if not then join the self help groups they offer. There are groups like codependent anonymous, adult children of alcoholic’s anonymous, divorce anonymous, overeater’s anonymous etc. You don’t have to be contemplating divorce or coming from alcoholic family, these support groups are based on 12 step programs that give participants tools to understand their behavior patterns and change their situation.
Always remember you are not alone, there are many women in the same boat; if we all start speaking up things will change. You don’t have to be ashamed of other’s behavior.
GGTS is a safe place you can always come here for support.
LikeLike
I am going through a devastating emotional turmoil where in once I feel to go back and the other time I refute to be associated with his family any more. The point is I don’t want to loose him as my husband. I sternly believe that he is my husband and would remain so in future. He himself has never caused me any kind of physical or moral harm. I am trying to fight against his greatest weakness of throwing his ears and judgmental capacity under the control of his mom and sisters. Basically its inter caste, inter religion, interstate marriage. We live in a joint household with his mother and two sisters his father died before our marriage. Our marriage from the start was bad. There is too much interference from his mother and sisters. We cannot go out anywhere by ourselves the mother has to accompany us at all times. I have a job and I am responsible for all chores at home. His mother and sisters do not help me with cooking or cleaning. He does not support me when ever I try to talk to him he says his aim in life is to keep his mother and sisters happy. I asked him why he married me. For which he got annoyed and started complaining about me that I am not adjusting with them and everything is wrong with me.
I just want to get rid of my mom-in-law and sis- in -laws for some period of time so that I can prove to my husband my respect and regard for him which I could not do earlier. That’s the reason I want him to give me a separate house which he is unwilling on the grounds that he is the only son and needs to remain with parents. I don’t know how much I have been able to express myself properly so that you can help me out. I just want to know how to talk or communicate with him so that he just listens to me not to his people. There are many other things which I would like to put in a more organized way.
My brother is negotiating with my hubby and on the other hand I have asked the church group to intervene only hoping that something will work out in my favor.
Looking forward to remaining in touch and thanking you very much for your kind help and support.
LikeLike
It is not that simple. It is tough but not impossible. Not all advice will benefit all people at all times. If you have any suggestions please do make them. I am preparing another draft on living with the Desi in-laws.
Indian families take good care of killing woman’s sense of self so that she may accept what ever her lot is and serve the family. But that doesn’t mean women take it lying down, they resist as much they can and create their own space even within the most isolating confines.
I have seen if we stays connected to our core that is with the universal power that created us all then nothing can touch us. Accepting others for who they are and respecting who I am is the remaining part of that corollary. Unless we respect and ourselves we can’t expect others to do it for us. This love and respect has to come from our connection with the divine/universe that created us not from ego. I practiced respecting myself as a creation of the almighty creator only then I could free myself from all the negativity people around me were throwing at me. Been there done that. Took me years to reach here, but here I am.
LikeLike
Yeah but I don’t see how this advice helps a DIL who is living in the same house as her in-laws. “accept them for who they are” would translate into “do what they say” to the typical desi DIL who does not have a strong sense of self and independence. She will just think, “it’s my kismet to get such in-laws so I have to accept it and ‘adjust'”.
LikeLike