Happiness: A Work in Progress…
December 13th, 2011
Yes, DG has again done the Houdini act for no apparent reasons. She was gone for 3 months and three days. While she was gone GGTS turned two on October 16th and a week before that it hit the 100,000 hits mark. Few health debacles and travel trips later she is here. Lately she has been getting emails from some desi bahus combating psychological warfare waged by in-laws and few are asking, Is it possible to be happy when people are messing your life? This post was penned in Oct 2009 when GGTS came into existence but it never felt right time to post it until now.
A lot has been written about happiness, “It is in Your Head: Thinking your Way to Happiness,” “Happiness is an Inside Job,” “Baby Steps to Happiness,” “Happiness: How to Find it and Keep it” and so on. DG does not claim to devise a formula that will turn all unhappiness in one’s life into happiness. This is how she learned to claim her happiness. It was a slow journey, but it was worth it. She believes if it helped her then it will help anyone who wants to try it.
Few years ago, DG was in a situation where she was immensely unhappy and miserable. Those who loved her, asked her to be happy, and not bother herself about petty things people said to her or did to her. Someone suggested she should fake being happy, until she became happy and gradually she’ll start feeling happy all the time. That seemed so simple but it was not. How could she not be bothered when her spouse told her she was mean, because she could not keep his mother happy? She did not want harmony in the family. She was going to separate him from his family. She had no such intentions but was blamed for everything that went wrong between him and his family, to the extent of family dog running away…
She wondered what would make his mother happy. Her combing hair the way MIL wanted her to, covering her head when MIL had company or cooking the egg plant according to her recipe. She lived 11,000 miles away, but her one phone call was enough to ruin the weekend. She wanted to know what time DG woke up. What did she do all day, if somebody from her family or friends visited her, her son’s home without MIL’s permission? Who visited us, what we served them and what they brought as gifts all had to be reported to mummyji-in-law. It was like the saying “when they came, what they brought, and when they left what they gave.” She always had something to say about everything under the sun and so did her son. At times, DG thought they were more anal than anus because even rectum exhibits some control of place and time but their tongues had no bar (excuse the analogy this is a transliteration of a Hindi idiom [muhavra]).
All this was normal to them, a sign of affection. There was no concept of boundaries. At times, it felt we were three people sleeping in the bed. One time, past midnight MIL called during very intimate moments. He rolled DG aside to answer the phone, but it disconnected. His mother immediately called back, and chided him for hanging upon her. He cried, and begged her not to say that. He yelled, screamed and threw things, and went to the other room to sleep. DG stood there, like spectator not hurt, but bemused. At least this should have made a wife happy, but she felt pity for him, and wondered will she ever be happy in such an unhappy company.
At that time, DG was so overwhelmed by the emotional blackmail and manipulation in and around the relationship. The modesty taboos prevented her from disclosing it to anyone it was so humiliating to tell this is the marriage she had for love. Maybe that was the reason her well-wishers thought she was choosing to be unhappy. All that was visible to them was a big house, a husband with fat salary and the mother-in-law living in another city so why was she choosing to be unhappy. It started showing on her health. The ongoing stress messed her hormones, she suffered from insomnia, gained weight, and was unhappier than ever.
As a teenager DG spent my Rupees three diet allowance to buy her best friend a poster that read “better alone than in bad company.” She wanted to follow that quotation but felt helpless, as she could not find a way to change the situation or leave the bad company/marriage. What was humiliating then is entertaining today, it is fun to share it with the world. Why should DG be humiliated? She should have been humiliated, if she had chosen to stay in that company. DG knows, she is not alone all those who are reading this have their own share of amusing stories to tell. Yes, DG recalls Shannu telling how her MIL had the audacity to ask her if they had sex during the navratri. Nimi, DG owes it to you, remember one day you asked DG if she was so unhappy then why not leave him. DG was speechless and you said “I see you ten years latter still with him, miserably unhappy.” That sentence kept pounding in DG’s soul. Many nights she stayed awake just wondering if that was how she wanted to live rest of her life. You remember Rinky from the previous posts, she had almost given up. Her MIL created so many rifts between her and Pinku they are staying separate. Rinky has moved back with her parents and her bhabhi keeps making snide remarks. DG can go on and on we all have our unhappy tales to tell. You are aware SILs have their own agenda how to extract as much from their brother’s coiffures.
DG has read on so many desi blogs and otherwise how in-laws are the cause of most unhappiness in a desi bahu’s life. Those providing suggestions usually recommend tit for tat passive aggressive tactics. DG keeps wondering is that how we’ll live our youth fighting these old unhappy souls who are frustrated with their sexless mundane lives. Most of all DG wonder if after certain age all causes of our unhappiness are limited to our spouses and in-laws. Remember those days in the hostel we use to be unhappy about that khadus warden, unavailable thesis supervisor, that girl in the corner room who spread rumors about everyone. Guess we were unhappy all along our lives other than the time we spent in the company of our girl friends. There was something about friends when we were together we forgot about our unhappiness. When we were away we were secretly jealous of each other’s lives. Some where deep inside we thought the other was happier and I deserved what the other had (2 months ago Rinky disclosed on our 25 years together she was secretly jealous of DG coz’ she could do anything, yes, DG was Rajani of her times 🙂 . And DG told her how at one time in her life she was jealous of her good marks, oh Atiya too has confessed she envied DG’s guts and DG was jealous of her intelligence). It felt the people we knew owed us our happiness. Together we agreed that inside can make you happy…..but fact remained that it is the outside world that makes us unhappy!!!!
Journey to happiness
Along the journey DG learned unhappiness is a sign from the universe/God to us to change something. If we don’t then, universe/God makes us even unhappier in a hope that we will change something. Even then, if we fail to change something to revert to a state of balance (happiness) then it has to take some drastic measures. Like for DG the universe had to break her legs and put her in the bed so that it could fix the things that she failed to.
DG remained unhappily in an unfulfilling relationship for a very long time. She followed whatever anybody suggested about how to create happiness. She thought buying harmony and peace by doing what her spouse or MIL/SIL wanted her to would create happiness. It was never enough within few days there was some other cause of their unhappiness. The list of causes increased in geometric progression but the principal participants remained the same. DG faked happiness in a hope it will become her reality. Yes, she did change something that was herself. She could not recognize herself anymore. She was unhappy and bitter. She exhausted her emotional resources but nothing changed about her situation.
In the second stage of her unhappiness she even lost motivation to try to create happiness. Her energies were invested in maintaining status quo. She did not want the unhappiness to increase so her best practice was to do nothing about it and wish it will go away. Go away how? May be he’ll be killed while crossing the road. His mother will have food poisoning or our plane will crash. Nothing of that sort happened rather physical abuse ensued because her not reacting made him feel he was losing control over her and the situation. Every inch in her body screamed this is not what she wants. The more she focused on the unhappiness the more it emerged in her life. She wanted out but did not know how. She was in a foreign country on a dependent visa with no job and money. That was not all her worst fear was what if she fell sick how will she care for herself, what will people say if she broke up, who will stand by her, is she even allowed to break up a love marriage etc. On and on went the list of her “what ifs….” The T-map she drew of pros and cons of leaving or staying just increased her confusion. She didn’t want to even think anymore.
Her core screamed it wants peace. She was created to be happy she married this person to be happy then how come she is unhappy. She felt cheated, used and ashamed. She lived in relationship ambivalence to leave or not to leave and most of all how to leave. Everyone around her asked me to leave and nobody suggested how. She did not want to take any action. She was tired and exhausted of fighting this unending war with someone who claimed to love her. Guess it was time the universe/God stepped in. One day she reported the abuse. She became homeless. The so called well-wishers came forward and showed sympathy and asked why she didn’t tell them they would have talked to him. For some she just became invisible and few others chose to chastise her for bringing a bad name to the community and creating legal hardships for him. All of a sudden DG felt she was socially invisible rather dead.
One day DG took a leap of faith and decided she should explore resources how to become free of him. She begged the universe/God for one chance to help her get back on her feet. She promised she’ll honor her life. She made this promise but she did not know how she’ll keep it. The same evening she was hit by a car while walking. She woke up in the hospital with no cognition of what happened. All she remembers saying was thank you lord for the gift of life. She had asked for another chance and this is what she got, as if being homeless, without money and a pariah was not enough…
Rest in the next post. Yes, DG promises it will be posted in 2011.
A Desi Girl's Guide to Relationship Survival 
Happiness is difficult when you don’t have freedom and are not independent to do what you think/say is right – Can happen in marriage and outside even when single. Happens more for Desi women because we are taught to be subservient and please others – the moment we realize how much of sacrifice goes into this and how much we lose ourselves we need to be prepared for a fight.
Great that you have come out of your struggle and with such a blog that inspires others to be bold.
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yes, so…………………
why would you want to get divorced?
are you crazy?
he’s such a decent guy.
there’s no reason for you to be depressed. what kind of depression would you have?
you have a house, he makes good money, you have everything.
just try not to make problem in your family, just don’t say anything (hello, there already is a problem, and I’m already trying to make it better)
let him enjoy life (this is said to a daughter whose husband shows interest in another woman)
whatever the case, your in-laws are your elders, and elders are elders.
just don’t purchase anything in front of your mil (well, that actually is the problem here, that i can’t buy the things i need or want freely b cuz of mil. such as the day i bought plastic containers and hid them in my purse and mil opened my purse!)
all in-laws are like this (thanks, that really helps me feel better-that’s the best emotional support i ever got. i’m using sarcasm here.)
i can go on n on about such nonsense comments to minimize the woman’s situation by others, especially by her own parents since they can’t have this burden (the girl) back on their heads, and they can’t suffer the humiliation of having a divorced daughter.
actually, i have the best one…after another human being treats the daughter who you gave birth to like garbage, you talk to them like they are holy people or something, you suck-up to them, because you don’t want that burden that you gave birth to back on your heads.
interesting how on the surface you had a rich husband, a house, a mother in law who lived away………………………………but what a woman needs the most is love, the emotional support…………………………..and bcuz of the way mil and her wonderful greatest man in the world beta behaved, you had pain.
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Hi DG,
De-lurking for the first time! Strange, how all bad desi marriages are clones of one another, with the m-i-l factor being a major destructive influence. In my short lived first so-called marriage, the ex’s mother too had this disgusting and sick obsession in the sex life of her son. Last week, I was (rather disinterestedly) socializing with some Desi women in the city I live in now. There I learnt that this sick interest of certain women of a certain vintage is something pan-Indian and all to common.
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I have to commend you on writing so clearly, it is always a pleasure to read your posts.
Overprotective, manuipulative parents, dysfunctional marriages, interfering inlaws and
mama’s boys are mjaor characteristics of desis – I’m not sure why this effects desis more
than other races, we are brought up thinking sacrifice is the way of life but nobody tells
us it will eventually destroy you.
It seems desis are not meant to be happy, they are meant to be codependent, clingy &
self sacrificing. Our entire existence revolves around guilt, obligation and fear. We first
live for our parents, then our spouses and then our children. Everybody talks about
what someone did for someone else, in old age desis become crippled, toxic and project
imaginary obligation to the ones around them. Not for a single moment we live for our
own lives – we live for others and die for others. God is just used to justify their insanity.
There is nothing worse than these conglomerate of old fools projecting their wisdom on
others. They have no lives, no travel, no money, no health, no sex, no faith .. nothing it
is just them, their obligation, manipulation and probably their stupid biryanis. To hell with
all of them and their nonsense.
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yes , its a parasitic behavior ..we dwell on the sacrifices .You are respected on not what you achieved or how you are striving to live in this world but how many sacrifices you have made .. you married for love ..ah you are a kalank , you sacrificed your love for parents ..YOu are the hero .. and when people have nothing else to boast of this psedo -heroism is the sole medal on their otherwise lifeless life.. Zindagi main kya kiya …sacrifices ke medak ikathe kiye 🙂
bTW what about Biryani offend you so much :):) i was just wondering are you among hydrabadis ..I think You were just referring to how we cling to our great Indian food and refuse to try any other cuisine and pretend to puke even at the sight of it . typical esi guy will always miss his mom’s khana and typical desi DIL is not perfect unless she spend her life time plaesing the guy with khana he prefers ..and still be always be aware of the fact that mIL is the best .
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@preetidutta,
I am actually from Karachi, Pakistan now living in Canada for the last ten years. The biryani reference was from my father’s obsession with desi food – his sole concern in life was to cook food, eat it and plan what to cook the next day. In between he used to sleep and spread his intense toxicity through constant personal interference and attempts to control me.
I got nothing against biryani, yes you are right, desis cling to their own like moths to a flame. To wander, explore, discover and conquer does not touch their puny heads, all they do is follow the previous generation and attempt to control the next with the same poison.
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Glacier-If you don’t mind, I’m sharing your post on my new blog.
Thanks.
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@Glacier,
…I’m not sure why this effects desis more
than other races, we are brought up thinking sacrifice is the way of life but nobody tells
us it will eventually destroy you…
…It seems desis are not meant to be happy, they are meant to be codependent, clingy &
self sacrificing. Our entire existence revolves around guilt, obligation and fear…
DG has answered your questions in few posts here are the links:
Peace,
Desi Girl
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Wanted to share my own experience about “journey to happiness”. I feel happiness is not something you work towards per se. Happiness is more like the default state. If you look at little kids who are less than 2-3 years old, they are happy, joyful, smiling, laughing in the absence of any major stress. So unless they have some major discomfort like they are hungry or want to sleep etc they are happy. Thus, I feel happiness is the default state. Unless external stressors are present, ideally speaking, we should be happy.
Growing up, I feel at some point we get socially conditioned to believe that the default state is not one of happiness, and that we need to do stuff in order to be happy, like buy that new dress, or go have that drink with your buddies etc.
We let every small thing take us out from this default state. Read newspaper and get worried about random stuff, get worried if our house is not super clean, about log kya kahenge if I wear a short skirt etc. If you do not fret the small stuff, you will be happy.
So be in the moment, do what you want to do and don’t let the small things in life worry you.
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True DG..if we are unhappy about a state we have to do something about it , just wishing will not solve things on their own . But most of the time we go through many stages , like you mentioned denial , try to persuade ourself that we are happy , sometimes we think its just a passing phase and with time things will be better . First step to change is to know that things are wrong soemwhere , thanks to our social conditioning it takes lot of time and real bad incident to get there .
waiting for part 2 :):)
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Hi DG,
I could not finish reading the entire thing after reading the second stage of unhappiness.I can somewhat relate to that state.Ur blog is the right place to know urself or the situation u r in.Coz DG has been through a lot and has read many desi bahus who have similar problems. I’m glad I stepped in here today.
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Great and inspiring post, DG. Something that resonates what I was struggling with.
It’s me, the former nolongeraslave, who now has a new blog up. The old blog was hastily taken down, but I then realized that I needed it back up.
http://www.empoweredagain.wordpress.com
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Sorry DG, but there’s no way I can put the blog back up. I even tried using the same adress, but it won’t register. I lost all of my content.
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Yes, I’m safe. I was just reacting to someone’s guilt, but it was an impulsive move on my part. I will contact wordpress.com to see if they have old content.
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Hi thrivingindianwoman,
I used to read your blog regularly and was wondering why you had deleted it. It was perhaps one of the few Desi blogs which covered neglected, but important, issues like child abuse and narcissism in the Desi World.
I’m replying here because comments are closed on your blog (and I totally understand why. Desis love playing ostrich about issues like this and feel uncomfortable if someone,especially a Desi woman, points out at things which have been very carefully brushed away under the carpet!)
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Thanks, Mandooka. I’m glad you enjoyed my old blog. Desi girl is doing wonderful work here too!
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Its been a depressing few days for me and I am wondering Am I happy? Am I going to be?
so the title of your post on my blogroll was enticing!
Feeling resentful towards the institution of marriage and all we/they do in the name of love!
Thank you for this post!
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Freedom is the right of all sentient beings. It takes guts to acquire and keep it.
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I must say that till we avoid taking a decision we are just closing the door to opportunities. If it is here and now it must be so. Nature has brought us all to this world to be joyous, to be in an ecastic state.Truly enough when I will die the moon and the sun will not rise any longer for me, they may rise even, does it mean anything?Living in a state of desperation is living in a state of terror and this faceless terror must be met with in its face and must be put down. Now how to put it down? I beleive that a diamond no longer cuts a diamond. One must find his own way. Freedom is the answer. Your freedom within you and claiming it within yourself. Not the freedom that someone else will guarantee to me. The freedom that tells me here and now enough is enough. Right or wrong I no longer live it because I have to because I am destined to and I am meant to live and live a life of my choice.It is my experience and thus the beleif that no one can defeat me unless I want to get defeated.
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Thank you so much DG, for speaking the What-Is on the process of returning to Love, and separating from an abusive relationship (which oh so many modern ladies have had). Your writings ring so pure and true.
In fact, they have ministered to my womanly soul.
“The modesty taboos prevented her from disclosing it to anyone it was so humiliating to tell this is the marriage she had for love.” Ah, this – the marriage she had for love. The stupid things we do for love (even the unmarried loving and sex of the typical modern woman, before she gets smart). I am now smart, and it’s still challenging in this world.
A quote of yours from a previous post bears repeating: “The day she said her creator is her provider not her spouse it set her free from all fear in a foreign land and a new chapter opened in her life.” It set you FREE. And your words helped me remember my vow to the Creator recently, when navigating scary moments of divorced-woman survival (an ardent but ignorant suitor tryin to get me hooked, and an unexpected short-notice apartment move due to no fault of my own, but a huge upheaval with questionable finances). I remembered your words during that time, they are words that make sense to me, and remind me I am a holy and wholesome woman – and other people’s ideas of my life are really not my concern.
This blog is a major empowerment for DGs and GGs, and anybody who has a heart. ❤
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“She felt cheated, used and ashamed.”
That feeling of shame that women have been instilled to feel is their undoing. As if all that is happening to them is somehow their fault. If only girls were not brought up to feel ashamed for things going wrong in marriage!
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hmmm.Was it my exact story…I am guessing, do you know me. Only thing that my Husband had realised because I finally told it to many people , specially people who thought he has a good repo. Things are changing and also Truly found that happiness is inside.
First I started making a resolution to myself : I will do my duties to my child and all the things in life with “Self Respect”. If my husband is ready to change then he is responsible , I am not going to hit my head there.I started lifting up my low self esteem.Also what people do they do whatever they are capable of …. So I should not blame myself or go in depression. I also started watching Brahmakumaris Soul Connections..It thought me self respect , not self critising and and blaming self. I am happy . My husband also got astonished and stopped listening to his parents nonsense. Rest he lives with his deeds , I am not part of it. I live with only my deeds.
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Welcome back.
Read your story.
I can understand you better now.
I hope and pray that you have found peace and happiness.
Regards
GV
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