Once Upon a Time There Lived a Happy Gal=HG

24 Mar

Often Desi Girl receives personal emails from readers seeking support and validation. These emails are all similar but these different writers suffer in isolation wondering as if they are the only ones going through this chaos. The truth is greater number of married Desi women are mired by psychological warfare by waged by in-laws and unsupportive spouses analogous to spineless squids with uncut umblical chords. All this happens in the name of generational reverance, lower position of women as ascribed in the great traditions of this great culture and over indulgence of faceless strangers called “log” in other people’s business. The problems are further exacerbated due to lack of personal boundaries and problem solving skills.

Most personal emails received by DG do not make it to GGTS. DG works with those writers one on one in identifying problems, creating a strategy to proceed and follow up with them time to time. Some write back a thank you note and some never return and DG assumes they are doing good. Today morning DG received this email with this attachement from Confused DIL.

All DG could do was smile and say THANK YOU.

On the request of Confused DIL the previous story board has been removed. It did not show case her talent that well. She wants it replaced by new story board.

 

 

Desi Girl storyboard

Desi Girl storyboard

 

 

 

 

 

This is a great validation of the work Desi Girl is doing. Thanks to all reader, comment writers and supporters of GGTS.

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15 Responses to “Once Upon a Time There Lived a Happy Gal=HG”

  1. Neha April 1, 2011 at p04 #

    Hi DG,

    This comment is nowhere relate dto your post. I hope you remember as me. You had replied to my comment on Phoenixritu’s Blog. I read your comment yesterday and even replied to you. Just dropped here to say Thanks for reaching out to me! Hope you read my reponse there!

    Thanks
    Neha


    @Neha,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Yes, DG does remember you and was wondering if you ever got to read her comment.
    She is glad you did. Now few things:
    1. That was past and in your present you are committed and sincere. That is all that counts. He is no saint, he knew what he was getting into, you did not sham him. Abusers purposefully pick up people with so called flaws or low self estemm so that they can control and manipulate them and then feel big about themselves. Abusers essentially have toput down others to feel better about themselves.

    2. One mistake or mistakes (rape, murder, abetment to murder and collective harm excluded) do not warrant a life sentence. You have punished your self enough, may be you have some more stamina left for it. But remember every one deserves to be happy without hurting other people, places or things, planet earth included.

    3. Who are the people you are seeking counsel from? They are the same people who make and break people’s lives with their opinions. They are the same people we complain about all the time, in crowd they make faceless strangers and in face to face interaction they become well wishers. It is these people who proclaim such sentences on women and even justify rape, that she invited it.

    According to their logic, if someone is raped once, the victim can be raped again and again becuase she was raped earlier.

    Did these people place any such “lucky person” tabs on men who had multiple sexual partners and are now happily married to ignorant wives?
    Please seek professional help.

    Think about it logically. You are a smart woman. You know where to seek help, GGTS is a safe space you are always welcome here.
    There is help available no one needs to suffer in isolation.

    No matter what your choice/decision be GGTS and Desi Girl will support you in staying safe and taking charge of your life.

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

    • Neha April 2, 2011 at p04 #

      Thanks Once again. But its still difficult for me to see him as a abuser. I know I have punished myself enough but does that mean that I should overlook all the good points he has? I take care of my parents and he supports me…I have bought a house for them as my brother has severed all his connections from my parents. My husband just does not help me but infact takes the responsibility on him to see that they looked after well, financially and emotionally. But you are right that he wants to see me as an extension to himself, but is that not normal for a person to want their partners to be like them and understand them. I would want that too. May be then even I’m flawed. Is that not normal for a husband to want his wife protected from the bad world out there and see that she is appropriately dressed. Is it not normal to guide your partner if they do not see the bigger picture in life. If he controls my dressing…may be he wants me to see that I’m inviting attention otherwise. Does that make him an abuser? I’m asking you all these questions because i ask them myself and dont get an answer. Am I not being too selfish just to think about myself all the time?
      He loves me…really he does but yes on his own terms. But everybody has their own idea about love..isn’t it? I just feels its normal to want him to be an important part of my life and wants me to involve him in all my activities. Does he becomes an abuser for wanting me to tell him that I’m going to beauty parlour…What if he an opinion about about everything in my life and he feels that I look better without any makeup…or wants me to see that I’m wasting my time trying to groom myself externally ….infact I should spend my time reading or whatever is making my mind and soul healthy? He wants me to see the importance of simple living and high thinking. May be I do need guidance and I am just resisting because its new to me….I had a different lifestyle earlier…may be that was wrong…what’s the harm in accepting his style of living…may be it’s much better than what I am used to…I have endless questions in mind. I do’nt want and have to be Mother Teresa, but the least I can do is try to see the other side of the coin.
      I have been taking counseling from a friend who I’m secretly in touch with. She helped me to understand that may be I’m presenting him as a demon but infact there may be a point that I’m missing or may be failing to see. I have written a long reply…hope you don’t get bored…I know you have tried to clear my doubts and may be you are right…..but do I have the courage left to leave him…I just cant hurt him …its not possible for me!

      @Neha,

      If it is hurting then it is NOT LOVE.
      If it is forcing you to be what you are not then it is NOT LOVE.
      is always on guard and walking on eggs, then it is NOT LOVE.
      If every thing your partner does for you seems like a favor then it is NOT LOVE.

      If one Children irrespective of their gender should take care of their aging parents. If you are caring for your parents then it is the right thing to do not a favor by and from anyone. If you brother is not caring for them then it is a choice he is making. Your spouse is really very generous tolet you buy a house for your parents with your money the money you earned from the education they paid for but does not want you to talk to them. That kind of generosity is beyond DG. No one can and should prevent anyone from contacting their family be it husband or wife.

      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/02/23/desi-son-obligated-to-take-care-of-mother/

      You said:…May be I do need guidance and I am just resisting because its new to me….I had a different lifestyle earlier…may be that was wrong…what’s the harm in accepting his style of living…may be it’s much better than what I am used to…

      You are not a five year old or a teenager who needs guidance from a spouse turned parent. In marriage both partners are peers, equal. Sometimes partners do something together that they both enjoy and other times they do things they enjoy individually. In a relationship they grow together but they are not an extention of each other but are individuals in their own sense who have decided to share their lives together. NOT CONTROL EACH OTHER’S LIVES. Are you a horse that needs to be broken into new coral?

      You said:… What if he an opinion about about everything in my life…making my mind and soul healthy?

      A healthy soul lives only a healthy and presentable body. It is beyond DG how personal grooming makes mind and soul unhealthy. Simple living doesn’nt mean shabby living or severed ties with friends and family (that is definitely unhealthy). You may give thousand and ten reasons from your book, it is a choice you have to make.

      DG NEVER ASKED YOU TO DIVORCE HIM. PLEASE READ COMMENTS CAREFULLY.
      If you are talking divorce then it is already in your head and you want to validate it from external sources.

      If you are happy with your life good for you. If you are not then change something or stop expecting different results with what you are already doing.

      The friend you are seeking counseling from is she a qualified to counsel. Is she liscenced with a professional regulating body? If every other person is providing counseling then it feels we wasted years in school and practice for nothing. :) And most of all why do you have to keep in touch with your friends in secret from your spouse? Is that a sign of healthy relationship/marriage?

      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/how-abuse-begins/

      ……I just cant hurt him

      Who asked you to hurt him? If protecting yourself from more harm without raising a finger is going to hurt him then there is already a big problem. Person has no concept of healthy personal boundaries and is slighted by anything another does.

      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/emotional-abuse/

      There is nothing impossible something are only hard sometimes very hard to accomplish but never impossible. :)

      Please consider where is this neediness coming from. Unless it is addressed moving forward is difficult.
      These are your rights in a relationship and they are universal in nature applicable toeveryone in any part of the world irrespective of their cultural background.

      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/your-rights-in-a-relationship/

      Good Luck,
      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Like this

      • Neha April 13, 2011 at p04 #

        Hi DG,

        I took time to read carefully all the links you had send me and also all your older posts.

        I had been out of country for past few days and now mostly evaluating my own behaviour first. I need changes in my attitude too. Else as I can see a pattern in my relationships, I will either go back to him or worse get into a similar abusive relationship.

        DG please dont get me wrong, I know you have never ever asked me to leave my spouse or Divorce him. Yes i have been thinking about Divorce since 7 days after my wedding. Its been 4 years now and I have been giving all kinds of excuses to myself to stay in this relationship. I know now that I’m addicted to this person and actually afraid of the unknown. But the most important progress is I have realised what I’m going through and also that I like playing victim.

        I still cant snap out of this relationship, but now I’m more informed to take a decision and atleast will stop worrying that I have done something wrong. If things improve and if he sees my point of view, which I know is a rare possibility, I will continue else I will move out.

        Thanks you once again for your support and most important for educating me about my rights.

        Love
        Astha

        Dear Neha,

        It is a new dawn, its new day its a new life for you… :)

        In Hindustani we say, “Jab jago tabhi savera.”
        Stay strong and informed and things will start getting better if you let them. See if you can seek professional counseling. Any kind of addiction (person addiction included) is very disabling and it controls you. Only professional help can help us out from addictions coz’ on our own we have tried everything and their is no nicotine patch like devise available that we could paste on our arm and get over the person. :)
        Browse around GGTS and check out the books DG mentions.

        Keep coming back to GGTS coz’ it works and work it because you are worth it. :)

        DG is glad she could help.

        Peace,
        Desi Girl

        Like this

  2. intercultured March 30, 2011 at p03 #

    You must have many haters here on this blog considering how openly you talk about problems which many married Indian women face. Your views are at least unpopular if not sabotaged by not only men but also MILs, aunties and who else.

    I think you’re doing a great job rasing awareness and confidence. :)

    @intercultured,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    “You know you’re doing something right when some people begin to hate you.” That hasn’t happened yet :)

    Every now and then a detractor may show up but who cares :) .
    Thanks for the encouragement. :)
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefitt.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  3. Confused DIL March 27, 2011 at p03 #

    And thanks DG for your help and also for this great platform for ‘confused’ gals like me, who sometimes need direction. Lots of love to you.
    Thanks to IHM too. You know why :)

    You are welcome. Stay Happy Gal.
    Find a meditation you like and build your practice it will strengthen your core and clear your energy.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    DG

    Like this

  4. Confused DIL March 27, 2011 at p03 #

    Thank you all for the appreciation and the comments. Have been sad lately, but the comments made me feel good.
    I do blog, but not anonymously. And ‘confused DIL’ is not the identity I want associated with my blog :)

    Comic Blog? Sounds like a nice idea. Thanks Julia!

    Like this

  5. Shail March 27, 2011 at p03 #

    That is a very good proposal by Julia. A blog with with comics is going to put across things better.
    Out of the mantras, the 1st and 5th saw me through… The 3rd came later.

    Like this

  6. Julia March 25, 2011 at p03 #

    Confused DIL, I enjoyed this! Have you thought of starting your own daily blog with comics like this? I’m sure you would bring laughs (and relief) to many!

    @Julia,
    That is an awesome idea. She should definitely have a comic series. It will give desi bahus something to laugh about.

    @Confused DIL,
    Now you know you are talented and you do not need validation from untalented and tasteless in-laws.
    DG

    Like this

    • Sex And The Indian Cities March 25, 2011 at p03 #

      DG : she is very telented and I agree to Julia that she should start her own blog with comic strip .. :):)

      Like this

  7. Indian Homemaker March 25, 2011 at p03 #

    YES. “This is a great validation of the work Desi Girl is doing.” Hugs DG.

    Thank you.

    Like this

  8. Indian Homemaker March 25, 2011 at p03 #

    Loved it!!! Let me tweet this :)

    Like this

  9. Bhavia March 25, 2011 at p03 #

    Good Work DG :)
    Keep it up..
    now I feel nice to have you around me..

    Oh, Bhavia was DG a pain in the neck earlier :)
    Thank you. Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.

    Like this

  10. BlueHornbill March 25, 2011 at p03 #

    :) loved the little sketch.
    Keep up the good work DG, your posts are thought provoking indeed. Thank you!

    You are welcome. Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.

    Like this

  11. Phoenixritu March 25, 2011 at p03 #

    Loved the story board. Kudos to you for doing providing stellar service to women in need.

    Thank you. Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.

    Like this

  12. Sex And The Indian Cities March 25, 2011 at p03 #

    It made me smile as well … story with a happy beginning :).. It indeed shows the talent of the Happy gal and the fact that she has found her happiness back ( she even got the kiss from the GB ).

    GGTS is a support system , a ready referal for many problems people face in relationships… good work DG

    Thank you. Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.

    Like this

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Kafila

media | politics | dissent

"कुरुक्षेत्र"

मेरे विचारो का

समाजवादी जनपरिषद

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Own your relationships. Don't let them own you.

A Desi Girl's Guide to Relationship Survival

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Women's Studies Student Association @ University of Windsor, Ontario

संजीव तिवारी . . Sanjeeva Tiwari .. Chhattisgarh

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