Desi Cougars Vs Desi Wolves

8 Dec

Desi Cougars Vs Desi Wolves

This msn piece on relationships caught Desi Girl’s eye, she did not know what to make of it. The story as usual had mentions of few bollywood icons that dared to swim against the tide. These were all married couples where women were older than their spouses. The author in her over zealous attempt pulls in a psychiatrist to give his expert views on the issue (just wondering if he is qualified to even speak on this issue). He does mention it is not about feminism but about women and men making choices. Wao, it feels as if feminism was just a waste of time, we were all born with right to exercise choices, only we did not know it; caste, class, gender, religion etc. do not have a bearing on our choices. Then he goes about explaining daddy fixation in women looking for sugar daddies and mommy fixation in men leading them to sugar mommies. Coming back to the issue the author borrows the word “cougar” from the western media (along with pictures) and juxtaposes it on desi milieu, as if bollywood represents everyone living in Des.

If these ladies are cougars then we have had enough in the past be it political marriages of the royals or marriages in agrarian communities. For the royals it was a marriage of convenience with allies and for the agrarians it was marriage of labor; an older bride meant she was able to provide farm hand and progeny as soon as she came into the new home. Then there was the custom of “nata” (levirate) where older brother’s widow was married to his younger brother or cousin. None of these women really had any fun, it was just marriage and marriage in desi communities is an obligation not a choice. If you consider it a choice try staying single after certain age and hear rumors about your sexuality and sexual prowess in circulation. DG believes some people just get married because that is what everybody else is doing and few others try to shut up family and the faceless strangers called “log.” In her enthusiasm to write this author did forget explore the literary world and mention the name of Amrita Pritam, Manu Bhandari and many more that swam against the tide by choice in times much before these bollywood trinkets sprouted and nobody called them cougars.

The marriage, in patriarchal societies essentially rests on the shoulder of the woman who is younger than the man. A junior partner is easy to induct into the new household (at marriage women move to live with man and his family) and dominate (a senior partner can boast of more experience and earning power). Some will jump in with their evolutionary theories about female’s need for a strong father and provider for her progeny; it is another story that many strong and providing are wife beaters, child abusers and often found wasted in gutters. And few others would rather make good grandfathers to their kids than father. As women are younger to men at the time of marriage they are bound to loose on the fun part before marriage and once they are married there they are unlikely to have fun because remote controlling in-laws will make sure they have no girls’ night out. 🙂  The whole cougar concept becomes problematic if the woman marries the man, as fun is subtracted from the equation. In the west the cougar label is accepted as part of fun not just marriage, the end.

If women could have fun with younger men[1] and not get married then it could qualify for cougar label. It is not that it is not happening it is but there is so much stigma attached to women having fun with no strings attached  that it is concealed and where they can be in the open and out these pink chaddis march in. Could we call them “wolves,” the old men having fun with younger women? These young women are often called gold diggers. What would you call these young men who are willing to oblige some cougars with their masculinity for wads of notes?

[1] DG has strong objection to the word auntie (coz’ she is one to her niece) coz’ men in similar situations are not called uncles.

12 Responses to “Desi Cougars Vs Desi Wolves”

  1. Giribala December 10, 2010 at p12 #

    Interesting! Keep it up Desi Girl 🙂

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    I am glad you enjoyed it.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Desi Girl


  2. preeti dutta December 10, 2010 at p12 #

    I was discussing this with another friend of mine and she agrees to it ..why women are being called names all the time and are also blamed and also end up being at loss in such relationships be it with elder men or younger .

    i frankly think meaningful relations happpen only with ur own age group , with others u can relate or may experience a certain high because of new things they bring in relationship that u either no longer do or you have not done yet .

    Agree with you, meaningful and healthy relationships are with peers. I keep wondering if someone were 10yrs older than their partner they’ll be experience wise 10yrs ahead, they’ll already know most things and won’t be excited about the discoveries of younger partner. May be after certain age like in 30s-40s person is just a person they can make their decisions but 20s I feel is like sky is falling all the time. I am so glad I am no longer in that box.


  3. Smitha December 9, 2010 at p12 #

    DG, Brilliant post!

    ‘Could we call them “wolves,” the old men having fun with younger women? These young women are often called gold diggers. What would you call these young men who are willing to oblige some cougars with their masculinity for wads of notes?’

    Such a valid point! Infact, most of the derogatory words are reserved for women, aren’t they? It gets difficult to even find a male equivalent for so many swear words!

    Yes, male equivalents of male cuss words will be good. Pay them back in their coin but sad truth is two wrongs will not make a right. DG did try it. It was some 10 years back she was traveling in a bus in Des, two young men talking were talking loudly; one was using MF and SF words at least thrice in a sentence. Kept waiting them to stop and couldn’t wait long. Jumped in, asked the guy if he’ll stop or not. He said no, then DG asked how about father F***er and bro***er coz’ mom and sister are not even aware what is happening to them. They were in shock and got down at the next stop and men sitting on the women’s seats made room for DG and rest of the trip was pin drop silence in the bus. 🙂


    • preeti dutta December 10, 2010 at p12 #

      DG i have done that as well …but then i wonder why should parents / siblings male or female get to hear it ..why not just F the person.


    • Smitha December 16, 2010 at p12 #

      Well done, DG! It takes courage to do that! And they so deserve it!


  4. Vivek December 8, 2010 at p12 #

    //The marriage, in patriarchal societies essentially….

    This paragraph is so true. I have seen it happen in front of my eyes so many times in my Life.


  5. anjugandhi December 8, 2010 at p12 #

    once again a brilliant post DG. you really have a fertile mind, a small piece of news and you converted it into an amazing post.
    never thought in those terms
    now u have given a new perspective

    Thank you, mine is an idle mind… 🙂

    Here is little more to think. The author posted picture of Amrita Singh and mentioned she was 12 yrs senior to her ex partner, so she was a cougar. But she failed to mention that her ex is now with a woman 10 years his junior, so what is he now?
    Help us find terms for male gold diggers and men who leap out for younger women.


  6. cheesychic30 December 8, 2010 at p12 #

    I love the auntie comment LOL.


  7. Indian Homemaker December 8, 2010 at p12 #

    Brilliant post. Yesterday I was looking for another post on the subject of women being younger than their spouses – and this being seen as ‘natural’ by Ageless Bonding (to link to my post).

    In Rajasthan women could be ‘married’ to little boys if they were terminally ill to provide them a care giver. Or old men could choose young wives for the same purpose.

    You are so right, a young woman is a ‘gold digger’, and old woman is a ‘cougar’ – where are the wolves and… there should be a term for male ‘gold diggers’ too.

    Lets make a word for “male gold diggers.” Did you notice in the aaj tak report these young men had an element of pride in what they were going to do- a favor to an unloved middleaged single woman money to them was extra bonus.

    The link to your post is not working. Could you please post it again.


  8. Bikram December 8, 2010 at p12 #

    Well dont know what to say

    where do i find these cougars 🙂

    Contact aaj tak now they have good cache’ 🙂


  9. BlueHornbill December 8, 2010 at p12 #

    If the relationship is more than ‘just sex’ or ‘ego boasting’, then they are not ‘cougar’ or ‘wolves’.

    Dear DG, You do mix up ‘he’ and ‘she’ and its confusing! I dont see enough arguments about ‘wolves’ to merit the title.

    Yes, DG felt she didn’t need to say much about desi uncles/wolves they lurk in every nook and corner in society, history is full of them. For this reason DG did not balance it out. About relationship being more than “just sex” or “ego boasting” makes DG spkeptical as a 80 old J.Howard Marshall II definitely could not perform so there was no sex (then they did not have that little blue pill), so was it good/healthy relationship God only knows. If people are sorting out their mommy/daddy fixations in intimate relationships then nothing more needs to be said… DG keeps wondering what kind of a meaningful relationship can 52 year old professional have with a 20 year old high school dropout. Did you check out the link for Kunku/Duniya Na Mane. It was V. Shantaram film from 1937 on the subject of age disparity in marriages.


    • BlueHornbill December 9, 2010 at p12 #

      wow, that movie was made in 1937??? Unbelievable! I guess in those days women were portrayed either as very good or as very bad, anyways loads better then the over objectification of today’s main stream media!

      There may not be a meaningful relationship between an older professional and a high school drop out, but then who are we to judge? Of course the society does judge, specially if the older partner is female. even though my Hindi is not good, I didnt like the tone of aaj-tak report about gigolos. I say, what’s wrong with women having a little pleasure? It is not like those guys were kidnapped, raped, abused and then forced into the profession!

      Yes, even I do not like how aaj tak reports important issues in a titlating manner but it is the only channel that does some investigative work on such socialization. Calling those women “aunties” was so outrageous. I saw that movie in mid 80s when I just turned a teen. It impacted me a lot. I would like to watch it again, the symbolizm and the use of that grandfather clock was awesome.


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