Desi Mothers: A Generation Lost in Translation

15 Nov

Desi Mothers: A Generation Lost in Translation

Readers are aware some half a decade ago DG was thrown out of desi married people’s club since then her interaction with them is very limited. Her life her obsession with karma and disinterest in other people’s business just makes her pretty more unfit to be part of any desi group. Couple of Saturdays ago she had wanted to attend a desi event and was looking for a ride. When she moved to this new location she had seen a senior Sikh couple around the corner. She was skeptical if she’ll make a courtesy call or she’ll let it be… Now her need to find a ride took her to their door steps. She greeted them in Punjabi and started her usual spiel. They speechlessly kept staring at her face as if she was an squeaking alien. They invited her in and offered a cup of tea.

As they walked in the lady just held DG’s hand and said “I still can’t believe you are real, and you are speaking Punjabi.” DG’s answer was, “please pinch me to make sure I am real and if you want I can talk in six other languages that I know.” The lady set the teapot on the stove and came to living room. She said before we go ahead tell me something, how long have you been living here? How old are you? Are you married or single? Where is your family? What do you do? DG was not prepared for this interrogation and for this reason she maintains distance from desis especially of a certain age group. DG has learned to be civilized and not throw the table so her responses were, less than a month, mid thirties, single, India, looking for work. Thank God the teapot started whistling. While the lady (now auntie ji) went to fetch tea DG examined the living room and kitchen.

The living room had very desi ambience, diwan like single beds in the living room with mismatched sheets and odd window treatments, an entertainment center with a TV and a music system, a load of religious CDs and DVDs, family pictures on the walls, a shoe rack near the main door, a kitchen full of mismatched things and pretty much disorder all around. With the tea began the conversation how DG knew the language and etc… Auntie ji began with a deep sigh:

They bought this house and moved in six months and eight days ago. (Wao, she knows exact days just like S who knows exactly how long it’s been her dry spell.) For a year they lived in a senior living. It was difficult coz’ they had just one bedroom and there was no freedom as such. (DG thought may be they needed their independence so preferred living there.) She pointed to the pictures on the walls and said, that is my son and his three kids, they live just on the south end of the town. Their daughter is in India married with kids. Then she started sobbing and narrating she was a teacher in one of the leading convent school in New Delhi and her husband was an engineer. She married her daughter pretty young and her son came abroad for studies and never went back so they packed their bags and came abroad to be with him. While he had a traveling job she and her husband found work to keep busy. They bought two homes across the boarder so that their son did not have to live in hotels (the parents made the down payments, they had sold land in des).

The son was reluctant to get married but parents (mother) kept pushing for a bahu. According to her she had almost checked out every medico desi girl in the US, Canada and Europe. The son would reject them or she would, this continued for ten years finally the son said find anyone I don’t care. She zeroed on a B.A. from a modest family for a bahu. The son did not like her coz’ she was not well read and lacked sociable skills according to him. Now the MIL (auntie ji) took it as her personal responsibility to make it right for the couple. She had promised herself she’ll bring in a daughter not bahu, so she’ll do every thing to make her feel accepted and settled in the new household. She’ll be exactly opposite of her MIL and show the world it is possible to be a kind MIL. She sent the new bahu to school to continue education, while she packed lunches for her and did the housekeeping.

In two years the couple had a baby; MIL immediately took off from work to take care of the baby and the new mother. Once the new mother was out of childbed things started to change, MIL’s work load increased, she was the one responsible for the baby and gradually two more children followed along with new dramas. Once bahu had a baby she became edgy, she started having problems with everything MIL did and she would not let her husband be alone with his parents even for a minute. Their son started acting up, yelling and screaming at the mother and often times not talking to the parents at all for days. After second child bahu asked MIL to give up her job for good as she wanted to work. MIL took it as a retirement bonus to be with the grand kids. Managing two homes across the border and three children under five became a full time job for MIL. Gradually the quarrels became so frequent that MIL felt she was a prisoner in her own home. It is then she asked her husband to move out.

One cold evening they walked out just with two suitcases. This explained the mismatched stuff in the house, all came from thrift stores in the community. It broke DG’s heart but all she could say was, this is karma and we all are making a choice whether to resolve it this time or come back again. She didn’t find a ride coz’ this couple avoided going to any desi event as they could not show their faces in the community that they were thrown out by their son and bahu. But DG had to promise she’ll visit again.

DG did visit again within next ten days. This time auntie ji invited her for brunch. There she met another senior gentleman, a recent widower living in the same senior living they lived in. His wife died two years ago. He said, his younger son would throw tantrum at a drop of a hat, beat his kids, yell and scream at his father. Poor man could not stand the child abuse and he asked his son to stop. But when the son did not he asked his other son to come and get him. He left with the elder son the younger one created another scene that his elder brother was trying to make him look bad. He did not want his father to live with the elder brother he insisted his father should go back to India or live with him. The poor old man had sold the land and house in India and given the money to both of his sons. Thus his only option was to move to a senior living. Here he lives not in peace but in utter silence; he goes to the grocery store every day just for the sake of getting out of the house. Why doesn’t he work? Economy is so bad who is going to hire this engineer after ten years of retirement. His last words kept ringing in DG’s ears, “I kept changing diapers and did not realize how much the world changed outside the home.”

DG asked if there were other desis in that senior living. He said there are 15 desi couples, their ethnicity he mentioned was Sharma – Vermas (read north Indian Hindus or just Hindus). DG met this bunch on another occasion and everyone had similar stories. None of them goes out to greater desi community because they feel slighted and ashamed of their living situation. Most of these seniors were professionals who came to help their children raise their kids. They are beyond working age even if they found work it is much below what they are qualified for. Most MILs asserted they wanted to make a difference by being good MILs unlike the ones they had. They kept asking where they went wrong. Some said they gave too much freedom to the bahus so the things went wrong and others said the bahus came prepared to use and throw them out. Strangely none blamed the western culture and influence. None of the MILs blamed their sons rather shielded them by saying it is their wives who instigated them; in a way totally exonerating the sons of any responsibility for personal behavior.

It is not just here in pardes but DG personally knows handful of nice MILs in des who are being ill treated by their own sons and DILs. These women are first generation working women who decided to make a difference by raising efficient daughters and productive sons and treating DILs as daughters. Are these women lost in translation of making a difference? They wonder if they should have been drama queens like their MILs and created living hell for their bahus to beget space in the home. This bunch asked DG if she could do something about this problem of an angry generation. She can blog about it.

Another one asked DG how come she is still single and where was she all this time how come she never ran into her. Had she met DG just half a decade ago she would have taken her as her bahu because DG thinks so much like her. DG was not flattered with this complement. Her nonchalant response was thank you but it wouldn’t have worked because I could like you but I can guarantee your son couldn’t stand a chance.

DG is wondering:

Is it a good idea to leave one’s familiar territory to go and help raise grandkids in a foreign land? If not then aren’t we desis known for our family spirit? Then what is the family for?

Is it wise to give away every financial asset to children be it Baagban san Avatar style or use restrain?

If these good MILs raised DG like confused daughters then how come they didn’t get similar confused DILs? Who riased these bad DILs?

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25 Responses to “Desi Mothers: A Generation Lost in Translation”

  1. sioneve November 27, 2010 at p11 #

    Hi DG. Excellent Blog!
    I think that as humans we all need to love and be loved. Unfortunately, as humans some of us also put conditions on our love. If you love me, you will marry the right girl / boy, study the right subjects and make me proud. If you love me, you will give all your money / house / possessions to me and take care of my children while I pursue my career.
    If only we could learn to love each person because they exist – not because of what they can do for us. I know, I’m dreaming. The world is full of sociopaths who benefit at the cost of others. Who knows where they come from. I only hope that their karma runs over their dogma.
    Look forward to reading more of your work.
    S

    @sioneve,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    That is so true for people of all colors and continents. I keep wondering what are the guarantees you’ll like the person next time around if you couldn’t stand them this time. Life could be so much easy and beautiful but some people just like the rush of drama. It reminds me of the saying that pig makes merry in the shit. They just love it and they still complain.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  2. desibahu November 24, 2010 at p11 #

    hi there!
    i think it’s sad. i’ve even seen kids who were raised here in the west who use their parents as babysitters, even tough they can afford babysitters/nannies (they’re doctors and lawyers).
    i’ve seen an old lady here who watches her grandkids because her dil has to work.
    it makes me angry because….have some respect for elders! it’s their time to relax, and people are using them.
    i don’t think it has anything to do with the mil being too nice that’s causing the dils to be “bad”.
    everyone’s story is different and so is the personality. if you have a narcissist witch mil, and a narcissist charmer dil, you can imagine the drama on both sides.
    if you have a people pleaser mil, and a people pleaser dil, things should be pretty calm and loving.
    if there are opposites in personalities between mil and dil, then one person is always going to be used and abused, and the other will be the abuser.
    same with parents and kids, relatives can be evil natured or good natured. how they treat you depends on their nature, and i’m talking any relative, kids, parents, spouses…….
    i think mils put the blame on dils because it is just like when a husband is abusive the wife blames his parents or mil for brainwashing him. she doesn’t see that it is him. he chooses to behave that way. the mil loves her son too, and cannot see that he is choosing to brhave that way.
    although sometimes a child can be mean to their parent and cry about it because it’s not in their nature because of a mean spouse. they might be afraid of the spouse.

    Like this

    • girlsguidetosurvival November 28, 2010 at p11 #

      Hey Desi Bahu, where have you been? Long time no see. Hope things are good with you.I guess it is time for your drama queens to return as scary winters are here :) .

      You are right about the differences in personalities dear, but questions remains what creates these distorted personalities be it narcissist charmer or people pleaser doormat? The faulty upbringing, where each is kept insecure and is trained to put the other down to emerge winner. IHM just did this post http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2010/11/28/a-woman-is-not-a-womans-worst-enemy-patriarchy-is/
      check it out.

      Parents do not want to take responsibility that they did a lousy job in raising an inefficient son. It is so much easier to blame the bahu for anything he does.

      Dear keep in touch, you were missed at GGTS.
      Love to kids,
      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Like this

  3. BlueHornbill November 24, 2010 at p11 #

    Hi DG, new to your blog and am loving it. keep writing.

    I think parents should stop supporting their children once the latter get employed. I am disgusted when people make plans of buying house etc eyeing their parent’s money. some parent’s are also to blame, because they ‘live for their children’.

    I made it a point for my parents to be financially independent. My father was going to spend most of his retirement savings on my wedding, I put my foot down, made a contribution and kept it simple. Even though my parents are not in need, myself and brother contribute to their kitty, I think there is a huge difference in giving without asking. Our philosophy is to remember their sacrifices and let them live their life happily.

    I find it very sad when grandparents are uprooted to nanny the children or child is sent to grandparents. As you said, what is the point in having a child if you cant take care or spend time with?

    @BlueHornbill,
    Welcome GGTS, a safe space.

    DG has sought help of her parents to get back on her feet. They gave a big part of their retirement to her to restart her life, that is yet to launch is another story. She is not very proud of it but her parents are very kind they never mention it.
    You are a one sensible person. Keep it up and talk about it coz’ it will get the word out that parents can’t be taken for a ride.
    Yes, the fault is in the whole concept of “living for the children” coz’ latter it becomes “living off the children.” There should be personal goals and hobbies beyond children. The lady, where this post began keeps crying all day long, she has enrolled in Ph.D. program but is no longer interested. DG said, your son doesn’t care what you give up. You are trying to play martyr but it won’t help. It is a choice she is making by mortgaging her happiness to the conduct of her son.
    Children do take parents for a ride. You are so right on that one. Have some guys in my own extended family. If parents have extra and they give you good but don’t push them to or look at their faces for.

    Take a look around and you’ll find something you can share with others.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  4. Deeps November 23, 2010 at p11 #

    Very disheartening! And whats even more depressing is that despite being treated so shabbily by their kin, the parents refuse to find faults with them and continue to put the entire blame on the daughters-in law/sons-inlaw :(

    Really sad!

    Like this

  5. gallas November 21, 2010 at p11 #

    There’s this old guy, a neighbor living right next to us. And his wife went to the US like 5 years back and never returned. His son tells him her visa expired so she cant risk returning else immigration would put her behind bars. No wonder she’s playing the role of a adjustable nanny and will most likely breathe her last in a foreign land without her husband by her side. Feels bad and hopeless thinking this could happen to us.

    @gallas,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    It is a sad situation that her son let her visa expire for what ever reason. DG is guessing he had sponsored her or was financially responsible for her stay there. This lady can definetly return to her home country. She needs to make an appointment with an immigration attorney and explore her options, there is also the ICE Self Deporation Program.
    Staying without status in a foreign country is illegal and very stressfull. But they are making a choice.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  6. usha November 20, 2010 at p11 #

    it’s very disheartening, DG. I guess it all boils down to ineffective boundaries. Relationships are taken for granted here. Well defined boundaries could have reduced so much of this dysfunction.. but we always have this crutch of an excuse we call ‘culture’ to get away with all this.

    @usha,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Yes, it is definitely a matter of ever changing boundaries and taking parents for granted. Desi Girl has mentioned it in comments in several other posts. She has observed that first generation working mothers have raised independent daughters and dependent sons. So there lies the imbalance, your daughter is someone’s DIL and their son is just like your son who runs to mommy for every thing and the other way round your DIL is independent and son is momma’s boys. What ever, either way not a good situation…
    Yes, culture and tradition are good shields to get away with bad behavior. For west we could say they are from individualistic culture so their “not my business” is killing them and for we orients we can say we are family oriented so our “your nose in my business is killing us.” :)

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,

    Desi Girl

    Like this

  7. Alka November 19, 2010 at p11 #

    Thought provoking post. Life comes full circle…children see how parents are treating their own parents…What goes around comes around. But this fact does not act as a deterrent.Sad..

    @Alka,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Yes its true, what goes around comes around but sometimes it doesn’t in this life time. Desi Girl have personally known some women who had bad MILs even then they tried to be good but they still got bad DILs. May be Karma from previous life times or how else do we explain it. May be this serves as incentive for bad behavior
    … that so and so was bad but they had it good so I can be bad too.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  8. cheesychic30 November 18, 2010 at p11 #

    DG nice new look to the blog :-)
    Dysfunction is so rampant in our society, be it des or pardes and it just doesnt seem to make any sense. I despair the more I read about these things. I have had my own share of fights with my parents but have ensured they know I love them. But I have never understood how normal fights transform into abusive interactions.
    The generation problem is also because of a haphazard adaptation of the western culture, I feel. Its the not the western culture so to say but our selective adaptation of it that is the real culprit. Dysfunction was always there in every society, India had its own share, but the problem is that while we are adopting the dysfunctions from there, we are not adopting the positivity and the way the Westerners try to adapt to changing times. We are only interested in the Mcdonaldisation not in the enterprise and upliftment and that is where the trouble is. Also we use our traditional values as some sort of buffer or safety blanket. The moment it is time to take responsibility, we find some obscure desi rule and sneak out of it, till the time comes to take responsibility, we are modern but at the nick of time we become desi.

    @cheesychic30,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    You are so right about selective appropriation of western values. Take what is convenient and criticize or abstain from everything that will force you out of your comfort zone. It is so easy to blame something that cannot even be seen, like culture instead of taking responsibilty for personal actions. All those who blame the west have not even seen the face of west :) . Anyway, Desi Girl discussed your comment with a friend and that is what he had to say:

    अहम् ब्रह्मचारी अहम् ब्रह्मचारी, जहाँ देखी नारी वहाँ आँख मारी,
    पट गयी तो ठीक है, नहीं तो अहम् ब्रह्मचारी.

    (I am a celebate, I am a celebate, I see a woman I wink) ;)
    (If she reciprocates then great or I am a celebate)

    Please share this message with anyone who may benefit from it.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  9. sm November 17, 2010 at p11 #

    happens everywhere
    help each other but one should not become beggar while giving other
    applies to both kids and parents.

    Exactly, teach the other person you are not to be taken for granted and a ride.

    Like this

  10. Jubeee November 16, 2010 at p11 #

    Hey DG,
    I just posted a blog here http://myusalife.wordpress.com/2010/11/16/in-treatment-sunil/
    Its about an HBO drama program that is dealing with just these questions. It might be fictional but I think you would find the story has many similarities between the character and the people you’ve recently met.

    Like this

    • girlsguidetosurvival November 18, 2010 at p11 #

      @jubeee,
      Thanks for the suggestion. Here I am posting the link to whole episode of In Treatment from the youtube.
      It is interesting to note how the dying woman’s desire to see her partner is taken care of after she is gone has bearing on the man.
      He is still young, while he is grieving he is uprooted and brought to a new location. In grief counselling we recommend people postpone major decisions for sometime after loss of an intimate.
      The DIL wants to haste his grieving process. …Its already been six months… Grieving can’t be on a time table but if someone is showing signs of depression has that to be addressed.
      It is difficult to make room for another adult in one’s home and heart when personal space is treated as absolute. There are lot many issues that even desi DILs face in similar situations. I wonder why is it so difficult to see that the other person is you like seeing God in the other person and making space for one another. Why does it have to be my way or high way…

      Peace,
      DG

      Like this

  11. Smitha November 16, 2010 at p11 #

    It is so sad to read this, DG. I certainly think that no parent must give up his/her financial independence and sacrifice everything just because their children expect it. Infact, the fact that the children accept all this from the parents should be the first indicator that the children are yet to grow a backbone of their own. The way I look at it, our parents have made us what we are today. Now it is our turn to look after them – both girl’s parents as well as boy’s parents.

    It is sad to read about children who are so selfish ans self absorbed.

    Like this

    • girlsguidetosurvival November 18, 2010 at p11 #

      @Smitha,
      You are so right in saying…no parent must give up his/her financial independence and sacrifice everything just because their children expect it…

      It is not just that children expect it is hammered into their psyche – good parents will do anything for their children. As if the barometer of goodness is giving up on self. This gentleman told me how his sons created so much chaos and drama about his land and house in India that he thought buying peace by selling them off. One of the son’s even went ahead and said, is he going to take it with him when he is dead. If he wants to be taken care of in old age isn’t it his duty to help his son buy a house etc…
      The language these young men used was so dirty, if parents did teach them wives can’t be blamed for husband’s ugly language coz’ he is making a choice to use his tongue.
      It is hight times we desis learned about personal boundaries and space.
      Peace,
      DG

      Like this

      • Smitha November 23, 2010 at p11 #

        Goodness! Those son’s need to be given sound tongue lashing! Are they looking after their parents in exchange of property? And even that they don’t do!

        ‘It is hight times we desis learned about personal boundaries and space.’ – That is very very true!

        Like this

  12. preetidutta November 16, 2010 at p11 #

    Desi Relationships are very complx and there is no this way or that …what someone call care is often intrusion in privicy for other .

    its true for all relations , if you keep on giving selflessly , people will keep on taking selfishly …there has to be a limit to do things on the name of being ideal MIL/ DIL/ SON/ Daughter ..help children to be able to support themselves and help parents when they are old and need you , but then keep your own earnings to urself . also have kids when u can take care of them ..and dont pressurize ur kids to have kids .KIDs are resposibilty of parents not grand parents …

    if both sides are clear on their part there will be lesser problems . lets manage our own money and our own kids . and when we are not getting paid or paying someone’s bills lets keep our mouth shut and not give n take unnrccessary advices.

    it does sound a bit harsh at time , but a polite and firm no within a family regarding dealing with money / house / kids will save relationships in long run

    Like this

    • mayborn gemini November 16, 2010 at p11 #

      my thoughts exactly..My mom and dad are one of those people who do everything at home from buying grocerise, cooking, taking care of the grand child …all in the name of love.Luckily it is their house that everybody lives in ..But I keep telling my parents to be finacially independent like they are and forget signing things over till they are gone..and not to spoil people in the name of love, you can do things to help out but love should be aout making others successful in leading their lives not making them dependent on you..

      @mayborn gemini,

      Welcome to GGTS, safe space.
      Desi Girl at times wonders the concept of desi love, blurring all personal boundaries. May be it comes from our oriental phylosophies where love of divine means merging into the divine “other.” At interpersonal level it seems more of

    • addiction than love
    • .

      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/is-it-love-or-addiction/

      Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
      Peace,

      Desi Girl

      Like this

    • girlsguidetosurvival November 18, 2010 at p11 #

      @preetidutta,

      The concept of ideal parent, son, daughter, sibling, spouse, DIL etc. are like a carrot on the stick no matter how hard you try you can never get reach it. It is exhausting to chase this carrot called ideal type. Only if people could learn to respect each other and their space.

      What you said is work able in families that don’t live together (nuclear) but in families where three generations are living under one roof, a lot more understanding is required. How do we address the question of child abuse, where the parent is abusing his children and grandparent can’t say anything. Forget about reporting to the authorities. How to handle money business in a family business it is so complex. I keep wondering…
      May be if people started seeing God in each other or start treating each other as equal human beings then things may change.
      Peace,

      Desi Girl

      Like this

      • preetidutta November 21, 2010 at p11 #

        as i said DG there is no definite path , no direct rule ..no straight answer to adress this …it need a change from all at various levels ..I totally agree when we start treating each other as equal human being , only then things can change ..

        Like this

  13. Milky Chai November 15, 2010 at p11 #

    Hi DG,
    This is an interesting topic (and I love your sense of humor, especially in the 1st paragraph, and referring to yourself in the 3rd person ;-)
    Before I met my darling hubby (DH), I was friends with a desi girl in college who was Gujarati and her father had passed away in India when she was about 10 yrs old. Her mother brought her and her brother to the US and purchased a small motel and put them in public school, they were about 13 and 15 yrs old. By the time I met her she was about 23 yrs old. She invited me over once after class b/c her mom was making kitchadi and kadhi (which is one of my fav’s) and I loved watching her mom cook, so I could learn. She had visiting elder relatives that day and I was absolutely SHOCKED at how she treated them! They were asking her questions about the English language, wanting to learn and her response to them was yelling abusively at them, that she didn’t have time to teach them that. I was horrified.
    I think b/c of the difference in generations, there are always going to be conflicts, especially when sharing the home. But there is always a tactful, dignified way of handling issues, being abusive to an elder (or anyone for that matter), is just not acceptable.
    It’s unfortunate that they had to leave the son’s home as a result. I don’t think it is a good idea to sell everything, give it to your children and completely rely on them unless you are to the point where you are completely incapable of caring for yourself and there is no other option. But then, I am not desi and I realize a lot of desi parents do that. Some adult children are just not as responsible toward their parents. Another thought, especially given my own horrible MIL, I’ll bet a lot of these DIL’s are aniticipating living in pure hell when parents move in due to desi MIL reputations… so there may be animosity to start off with.

    Like this

  14. anjugandhi November 15, 2010 at p11 #

    HI DG it pains me to read such things. even i know of one lady who left her husband and her son who has been suffering from heart ailments since birth to go to USA to look after her daughter’s children leaving the husband and son at the mercy of maids. and now even the husband has gone there and he is working in some store and mother looks after the kids while daughter and her husband are busy in their careers.

    You have no clue what this woman might be going through. May be she needed a break from her household for sometime. It is easy to see that it was hard on her husband and son while she was gone. What about her? May be they decided as a family that they should help the daughter as she’ll help them in old age…
    …leaving the husband and son at the mercy of maids…
    Is very judgemental. Now when they are abroad what is happening with the son?

    this is a very old yet common story. and it is not only a case with children settled abroad, even in our own des, children do the samething, they call their parents to look after their children and the parents being typical Indian parents will do any thing for their children, leaving their egos and self respect behind. but then we Indians are known for our family values, for keeping others before self, . family support, family strength and respect for elders is still there.

    DG strongly suggests, please don’t have kids if you can’t raise and care for them. Grandparenting is a favor not duty just as grandparenting is a privilge not right. If parents are so keen at helping then they should lay some ground rules- what is acceptable or not and what will be the consequences. Without consequences nothing works.

    but what disgusts me the most is that it is always the bahu or daughter in law who is blamed for every thing. why don’t the sons take a stand in favour of their parents.the funny part is the so called shravan kumars or the joru ke gulam of our society have no back bone only. they dont know how to strike a balance between the parents and the wife.for them it is either the parents ( in that case the wife is the sufferer or it is the wife the the parents are subjected to illtreatment.

    i dont find it derogatory for the parents to take care of their grand children but it is upto the sons and their wives to give due respect and credit to the parents and if the bahus are to be blamed then she should just put her parents in the place of her inlaws and her bhabhi in her place.
    I am sure most of the problems will be solved.

    You are giving my words back to me from our gchat :) Good. Yes, it is easier to blame the bahu than accepting the fact that parents did a lousy job of raising spineless sons. They often say, he was all good until the bahu came… Until he was single he had no responsibilities now he has a wife to attend :) .
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/02/23/desi-son-obligated-to-take-care-of-mother/

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  15. desigheeandcoffee November 15, 2010 at p11 #

    Every family and every relation is different. But one should always exercise caution and use restraint. I do not like the idea of giving up everything for your kids. It’s the quintessential Indian tradition, but it’s always good to have something in the background for a rainy day or as in these cases, many rainy days.

    @Tbg,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space (Yes, you are here for the first time since you joined wordpress).

    Yes, the quintessential Indian tradition is becoming nemesis of many seniors. It seems the younger generation feels it is entitled to their parents’ services and assets. The widower gentleman I mentioned, he told me how his sons made him sell the land and house in India even his Inidra vikas patras through constant fights on the issue. Finally the poor old man sold every thing to buy peace. What kind of generation is this… they are forgetting that they’ll end up in assisted living…

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

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  16. Bikram November 15, 2010 at p11 #

    Yes DG sad state .. but eh hun ghar ghar di kahani ho gayi hai.. I hope and prey that GOD gives me the strength and the Heart and patience to look after my parents as they looked after me …

    My dad is no more but i hope i did not let him think the way oldies think..

    I sometimes walk on Soho road here and in front of the gurudwara or on the high street I see all these old people LEFT to go through the day .. and I am sure they are there cause they probably dont have a house to go to till there kids return home..

    I remember a few weeks back, a old sikh gentleman with a walking stick, his eyesight was more like BLIND, walking and banging in people, asking for a bus stop., We went up to him, and took him to the bus stop, where he told us he had to go to sally oak which was like at least 3 BUS CHANGES..

    HOW-WHY would any sane SON/DAUGHTER let there parent in that condition.. I asked the guy if he wanted to report this , thats when he realised I was not jsut a man on the road.. I could see he backed off immediately and did not say anything .. Luckily one of my mates was coming out the Gurudwara sahib, I hailed him and made him take the gentleman home..

    BUT WHAT LIFE IS THAT …. Jihna maapiya ne apni khushiyaan chadh ke saade lai pata nahin kiniyan chothi chothi kurbaaniyan kar ke sannu IS joga banaiya ki , sanu jithe asin haan uthe pahunchaiya.. Uhna de naal eho jiha vateera .. sharam waali gal hai…

    So true when they say MAPE KUMAPE nahin ho sakde , PUT KAPUT ho jaande ne ..

    Bikram’s

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    • girlsguidetosurvival November 15, 2010 at p11 #

      @Bikram,
      It is really disgusting how things are truning between the generations.
      This old gentle man may have insisted on taking the bus trip coz’ I saying so cause I have seen old people acting stubornly and I have also seen nasty young people. In one of the links in the post the old parent had dementia and no one knew of it unless he ended up in the emergency.

      About parental sacrifices for their children; they were making a choice. They could have supported their children and not enabled them and their dysfunctional life styles. I have also seen KUMAPE, I was dealing with a set that I received in marriage. That God forsaken man use to cry in sleep coz’ his parents wouldn’t let him rest in peace and I know of a bunch more.

      Even the widower I mentioned in my post did not want to report the child abuse. The fear of authorities, and notion of shaming the family is just too much. The faceless strangers (log) becomes so important for desis, as everybody has their nose in others business. These log do not challenge the abusers but stigmatize the abused.

      The only way to deal with this whole drama according to DG is to treat life and relationships as resolving Karma with one another. Our choices are to: do it happily with kindness for good or with anger and bitterness and leave some for next life time. Being cognizant of the fact if you did not like someone this time there are no guarantees you’ll like them next time around.
      So finish it this time.</

      strong>
      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Like this

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