Desi Parents: What Do You Know About Your Single 30 Something?
The previous post opened a can of worms for Desi Girl. She received few responses on the blog and many private emails. GGTS has been discussing about lives and the issues facing highly educated and significantly employed desi women. The comment by @anjugandhi made DG think about the purpose of the said post.
She writes:
…I do admit that we should be clear and firm in our thoughts as to what we want
but before taking any step a slight consideration for the feelings of parents will go long way in re supporting the hopes and dreams of parents.
I do not know who she is referring to, male children or female children. I am assuming as a parent she had both teem boys and girls in her mind. I wonder would the same standards apply to adult men and women. Do men care for feelings of their parents when they make passes on women, ogle at women or even when they rape them. The guy from the message board in the previous post is he thinking about his parents or just his libido? All those men who frequent the red light areas do they ever think about their parents? Do parents even have any standards and feeling about their sons’ sexuality or it is just on loose. Is it only for women to think about parents, family and culture? Why do they have to shoulder the honor of families and communities? Because they are the mothers. Then what about fathers? One sperm is enough to claim paternity and natural guardianship but not to save the culture by their own sexual conduct. I wanted to do a whole post on loco parentis and in-loco parents but I’ll save it for some other time.
The following poem (if it is one) is contributed by my dear friend S. S. She reserves the copy right to this piece. It is dedicated to our friends who face these dilemmas everyday.
Desi Parents: What Do You Know About Your Single 30 Something?
Desi parents,
What do you know about your single 30 something?
Your 30 something daughter
The daughter, you raised
With dreams of her happily ever after future.
The daughter, you raised
Indoctrinating, strive for happily ever after.
What do you know about your single 30 something?
Desi parents,
What do you know about your single 30 something?
She believed in your dreams
The dreams of prince charming,
The knight in shinning armor,
The happily ever afters…
What do you know about your single 30 something?
For Su
She has met her prince charming,
He doesn’t meet your standards
Of caste, religion, region or what not…
You make her choose between you
and her prince charming.
She picks you.
Your single 30 something is hurt
At least you are happy.
Desi parents,
What do you know about your single 30 something?
The prince charming you
Bought her
Hasn’t touched her in years
And every one is asking
Why she is averse to motherhood.
Is it her eggs or her womb?
Did you bother to think, it could be him?
What do you know about your single 30 something?
At 39 she is single again,
Learning to live again,
Feel again.
Your eyes probe her
When she comes home late,
Be assured she has not yet
Slept with anyone.
She wants to but she can’t.
She has no skills to approach
Anyone she likes
She is scared and is still hurting.
What do you know about your single 30 something?
For Amu & T
Desi parents,
What do you know about your single 30 something?
She tossed and turned
Every night on bed in a hope…
While the prince charming
You bought her, snoozed.
Those tricks,
She picked from the sleazy porno
He showed her
In those early days.
Didn’t work either.
How could it?
He was cheating with his ex girlfriend.
His parents rejected to
Serve her (Amu/T) on the platter.
How dare you ask her?
What did she do to turn him off?
What do you know about your single 30 something?
Desi parents,
What do you know about your single 30 something?
How she went to court by herself.
Ten people work under her.
She pays her bills and taxes.
Why do you have to chaperon?
You know why?
Be assured she won’t
Your guilt has worked overtime.
She knows the Desi culture
Rests on her tired shoulders.
What do you know about your single 30 something?
For Pre
Desi parents,
What do you know about your single 30 something?
You say I am jealous of my sister,
Her good marriage.
How lame, I want to protect her.
Her good hubby said to me
He understands my pain and
Could help me know what sex is…
Are you ready to digest this?
Can I complain?
You will accuse me because
I am the 30 something virgin.
What do you know about your single 30 something?
For SP
Desi parents,
What do you know about your single 30 something?
The days my child is with him, (shares child custody with ex)
I go on dates.
I meet them in bars.
We sit and chat.
We meet again.
He puts his hand on my knee.
I suck my breath and
Leave, saying I’ll call.
I never do. I want to
But I never do.
I hate it but what do I do?
I have a child and guilt to nurse.
What do you know about your single 30 something?
A Desi Girl's Guide to Relationship Survival 
Hello. Great post. By the way please visit my website
All the best !!!
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wow! have to say, hats off to you lady! amazing expression, so bold and so clear. amazing. keep going! we need ppl like u!
and thanks for ur comments and info on my blog.
http://myworldmyperception.blogspot.com
restless
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@restless,
Thanks. But still wondering what is so bold about it. Desi population is exceeding china’s this means people are having sex 🙂 . and yes a section is denied this right in the name of honor, shame and guilt.
@Gori Auntie,
Your innocense amazes me. 🙂 We desis live in constant fear of faceless strangers called Log. What will people say. We try to impress upon the people we don’t like with the money we don’t have. 🙂
Do you think she has it in her to go out and find a place on her own. she could not even dare to come and meet us friends after work hours. She is suppose to take college students on trips but father would insist she take her female cousin or mother with her. The argument would be mommy gets worried or mommy too needs and outing. 40 yrs off chipping of self esteem results in this.
Then another factor that works against single women more so with (once married) people don’t rent them places. Even if they manage to find a place, the owner and neighbors act like in loco parentis. Then there are scoundrels who bother them either making passes or just breaking in or spreading rumors. Check out movie Dev D. The scene where the lady refuses the advances of the servent. The bitter man goes and tells her lover that she slpet with him. This is how our desi lives are.
Hope that explains it.
Peace,
Desi Girl
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Do Desi parents really expect their adult children to be virgins into their mid-20s and beyond? Do they believe it or are they just lying to themselves?
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Good question.
I guess for adult male children no such expectations arise. It is assumed they have so called needs and they’ll find if not legitimate then definitely the other way to fulfill them. All rules apply for women. A lecturer friend is turning 40 coming Nov. her father still stands with a watch on the door waiting for her to return from college.
Oh! believe me ignorance is bliss. They’ll boast how virtuous their daughters are as compared to neighbors’ loose daughters. God in only knows if they believe it or are lying to themselves but it is definitely working for them.
🙂 Until married desi men and women remain boys and girls no matter even if they are in their 40s. 🙂 Check matrimonials in any desi newspaper.
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A 40 year old lecturer/professor living with her father who waits at the door for her to come home from her job? Why doesn’t she just get her own place?
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@Astatine,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
You are right here check this out:
Desi Girl and friends laugh that they are their parents’ claim to modernity. 🙂
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit from it.
@Anjugandhi,
Sorry, it made you sad but that is the reality of many single young women that parents often prefer to ignore or do not acknowledge.
Peace,
Desi Girl
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Desi Parents..wht do you know about your 30 something single daughter..the one you brought uo “like a boy”…giving complete freedom and independence… do you realise how it has backfired? Do you know how her “modern upbringing” repels “good boys” from “good families? Do you realise it is almost impossible to find Desi boys who are “understanding?” and even more difficult desi boys parents who are “understanding”.? Desi parents… dont try to be like western parents when living in India… remain as desi as you want..Because one day ..your single 30 something..will become a single 40 something…
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the words brought tears in my eyes.
and they were so very close to reality.
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@IHM,
Thanks for your support.
@Manas Khatri & @jrams512,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
The poem is by a friend. 🙂 Sad part about it is according to another poet friend it lacks use of literary devices, layers and it is prosaic than a poem. It is what it means there is no subtlety.
Will extend your good wishes to all the people mentioned in the so called poem.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
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Your poems were beautiful and made me tear up. I think you captured the isolation people can feel even when they are with others. I hope that all the women whom these poems were written for find peace and happiness in themselves and in love.
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Really very nice poem..good work done…Nice message..Compliments…
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Loved your response to Bikram. I admire the carity with which you give your point of view DG.
And I agree with you men are also subjected to emotional abuse from mothers, and physical and emotional abuse from fathers.
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@Phoenixritu, @Pradeep,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
Ritu, you are right desis have made their lives miserable by trying to control each other be it family members or community members. It is more like “neither live in peace nor let live in peace.”
Pradeep,
BRAVO for what? World was always changing since the earth was turning… .
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
@Themilkychai,
You are right my friend. The external locus of identity of desi parents is the root of problem. It ancient times it would have started with communal living but in last two centuries it is essentially people pleasing parade.
Marriage was always an economic exchange between families around the world including west. Marriage for love is only a 150 yr old concept. Desi parents basically choose a bride for themselves and their convenience they are not concerned with spousal compatibility for the sake of their son. Your MIL is a piece of work. It is good your Milky Chai guy chose to control his life. But he is still hurting from keeping you and your daughter a secret from his cousins and community.
It is not so much of loosing face in the community but personal control. She is a control freak her own kids resent her so it is not about you being white. It would be same even if it were a desi bahu or one she picked. She wants every one under her thumb. I could not find the right video but enjoy this one- so much for saving face in the community…
@preetidutta,
Good for you. If that is what you want then that is it. You are taking responsibility of your actions is an adult thing to do. One does not need to demonize the other partner if things don’t work out. Sometimes people grow apart and if their needs are not met in the relationship they should just move on. Why should it be anybody else’s business? You don’t need to explain it to anyone. Atiya is contemplating divorce and her father was like, “You had a love marriage. He doesn’t abuse you or philander so what is your problem?” How does she explain him they are different people and want different things in life? They discovered this only after they started living together after marriage.
If we evolve according to the needs of the time we survive or we just burn out and perish. Or we become mal adjusted unhappy people who only exude unhappiness. So is the case with desi parents. Some have evolved and some are frozen in time. The desire to control adults even if they are your children shows how incomplete their lives are. How much they live vicariously than living their own lives. I feel for this person http://malaysianincanada.blogspot.com/
T often dreams of going back to des. Though she has told her parents she’ll not stay with them but her father keeps repeating, Koi baat nahin mommy tumhare saath reh lengi (don’t worry mommy will come and stay with you). She keeps wondering she didn’t need anyone to accompany her to court during that brutal divorce but she’ll need company to live in her own home. It is just keeping an eye on her and keeping men who harass single women at bay.
Be safe and happy.
Peace,
Desi Girl
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Desi Girl !! and there we were talking about guilt free sex..:)
I am going to be thirty …am paaka desi (inspite of my love for italian food and wine) divorced ..and no i till date dont give people any raeson for my divorce than we wanted diffrent things from life ..we had issues but my ex was not a monster ..we never even had an argument in front of third person.. and now that i am single and living alone ..earning and love to spend on myslef kinda girl ..with 100s of frends and no guilt . can you imagine all kind of questions ??
my parents wanted to come here and stay with me ..I told them to come and take their own flat .i explained my mom about it , i party , dress the way i like and have frends whom they will not approve , but then at 30 i dont seek approvals and moreover i would not apprecaite if they boss around me in my house ..yes this litle rented apartment is my territory ..and i wont take any unwanted moral lectures ..I be a good girl for 10 days you are here ..lets pretend all is well and u happily go home ..
I told her hat I might not marry again, but I wont be living without sex, love or partners all my life ..and as such i dont want kids , but if one day I wish to , i will give birth or adopt whatever i want to ..I dont care for so called society as in last 6 years , no one called me , no one is really concerned about me except gossiping abot me ..so I dont give a damn!!
they know they cant control me ..but i know of parents who have been warning thier girls not to befriend me as i might influence their minds and they also try to live happily and single ..single is thier concern :happy or not is not :).
I have been fighting with my parents from some 15 years ..I dont agree to norms , coz its my life ..and no one else has a right to live it for me 🙂
love your articles and this poem was spot on!!
Girls go out and have fun ..guilt free ..but with protection .your sexuality is your biz and noone elses ..
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This was interesting, and I loved the poem. Honestly, I can’t imagine being a 30 something, single desi girl. The societal expectations, eyes always watching. Being the non-desi half of our union, I can definitely understand desi-parental pressures and expectations… my in-laws as you know are an extreme example of this. If had known then what I know now, I would have definitely ran very fast, which was my husbands worst fear leading him to decide we should be a secret during dating. His mother made him choose, he chose me (not that he doesn’t love his mother, just that he wanted to be in control of his own happiness). I think that is a VERY rare occurance, don’t you? Most desi kids choose their parents.
How do desi children choose? They make their parents happy by letting them purchase a spouse for them who chances are will end up just going through the motions of marriage and probably be miserable, or choose for yourself leading your parents to hate you but live free and happy.
Sometimes we have to think outside the box, leading me to ask the question I asked you yesterday. If you limit yourself to what your family will choose for you or what they expect you to choose on your own, then you might not be willing to jump. You never know, there may be a “Milky Chai” kind of a guy out there somewhere and that glass slipper would be a perfect fit. It is my opinion that most desi parents feel the need to control marriage decisions b/c they are most concerned about how they look, their well-being…NOT what is best for their son/daughter, even though that is what they want them to believe. They should trust their children that they will make a good decision and take care of their parents on their own. My mother-in-law has never once cared about how her son or granddaughter are doing, her primary concern is what will people think, how will I look??? There needs to be total reform of desi parental self-absorption.
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well first of all the poem you ahve written is really beautiful and says the truth..
one thing of concern almost all are like MEN bashing.. dont get me wrong.. the same can be said about women too..
she promises to love only him
she promised to take care of him
she promises to be his only
she promises not to cheat
she promises to live her life with him
Her paretns call him son
her parents are organising for the next step
her parents want them to marry
She has other plans
She sees another guy.. and suddenly all the promises are directed to HIM
she used the person for money
she used the person for LUST
I am not good in poems so cud not write one but this is also a hard fact of life .. that all the above comments that you have made in the poem are equally referred to women tooo…
and its wrong to say only women face it .. men do tooo HECK i faced them why you not married, why this , why that, something wrong with you blah blah blah…
THe thing is if a relation breaks it is assumed in our world that its probably the MAN who is at fault .. You will be surprised to hear this Domestic abuse Women are equally bad as men.. H ave been to place where men have been abused.. the problem now for them i that because of our society no one is ready to beleive them … This is one advatage that is taken by Some..
If a woman dies it is assumed the in-laws or the hubby did it but is it really true…
if a guy end his life does anyone go and ask his ex GF or wife or anyone usually it is said GROW UP.. MOVE ON…
oooops I have taken a lot of space 🙂
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@Bikram,
Desi Girl commiserates with you for you are hurting so much. May you feeling the healing and joy; through the kindness and compassion of the creator.
You have been reading GGTS for some time now. GGTS insists and re-insists abuse is a learned behavior. Both men and women can be abusers. People abuse others because they know they can get away with it. Though more women are abused by men and the system supports men be it in the name of honor killing or wife beating. At the same time men experience more emotional abuse from their mothers and physical abuse from their fathers. Men hardly ever question parental abuse especially the one from mother because it is loaded with love. Mother’s sacrifices and debt of birth shut their mouth even when they want to protest against the emotional manipulation and verbal assaults. This proves not all women are powerless at all times, some women depending on their relationship accord more power over men. The same system has on the one hand given power to women as mothers, to emotionally and physically abuse children and yet on the other hand it has taken away this power to resist emotional and physical abuse from their male partners (ghar ki izzat, aadmi ka maan).
The post did not mention a word about men. Wondering how did you made a conclusion that it is male bashing? It is a collective experience of women’s lives being monitored and controlled by social censure and parental manipulation. How women can not even experience their sexuality without guilt and fear. And you are enumerating your personal hurts.
In this system called patriarchy men are also oppressed. Yes, if a man is not married by certain age they are probed, a question is raised about their sexuality. If a man is hurt and wants to cry his right to cry is taken away from him by calling him names like sissy etc. If he wants to cook a meal and help is wife he is called Joru Ka Gulam. At every step he is prevented from experiencing so many natural emotions just in the name of being man and manly. But still a man can go out at night not fearing that he may be sexually assaulted by both women and men. He may fear being mugged but definitely not sexually assaulted. Greater numbers of women live in fear of being assaulted even during the day. Men do not have to worry someone will feel them up in a public commute. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kk6Bi23Q7-E&feature=PlayList&p=37C7EDBDACE5767C&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=11
There is greater pressure and responsibility on women to keep the relationship going even if it is abusive. You are basing you judgment on just one or countable few experiences. More women are harassed or killed by their husbands and in-laws for dowry. How many news items showed the reverse? More married women commit suicide to escape daily torture. If they had an option of leaving and living on their own; believe me they’ll choose life over death. The lives of single woman are open books for anyone to character assassinate. Many women prefer death as sometimes even their parents don’t want them coming back. Did you or any man you know had to choose between life and death because there was so much social censure on the break up of a marriage? Man would have ended his life because he felt slighted or his ego was hurt and he could not endure the shame of defeat. It was definitely not interpersonal reason. It would have been his bruised ego.
So where is this hurt coming from? Let us change the system that is dehumanizing us and is preventing us from experiencing a wide range of emotions just in the name of being a man or a woman. Let’s claim our humanity and enjoy the full human experience instead of fragmented male or female.
Sending you love and peace,
Desi Girl
PS: DG’s responses are becoming posts size 🙂 .
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clap clap clap….. BRAVO BRAVO !!!
hope the world around us is changing for the better… hope we make it better 🙂
cheers
pradeep
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Heart rending. Things are pretty bad in India, but I think the people abroad have it harder, since they havent eased the controls even a bit.
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Bhagwad Jal Park,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
What you mentioned is absolutely right. The caring practices of caregivers and their approval lays the foundation of future relationships especially intimate relationships. If parents are overtly critical and controlling it can go to the extent of creating external locus of identity for the child and he/she starts seeking approval from even strangers to feel accepted and loved.
This post was basically about how desi women’s sexuality is community business and how they are treated if they are single. According to what you are said it means men have to face similar scrutiny of their sexuality. That we both no is not true. There are more social and cultural impediments attached to women’s sexuality and control over it.
This self monitoring of desire by desi women mentioned in the post is not just the resultant of caring practices of parents but also of societal scrutiny of their movements- when she came, where she went, who was with her etc… Women constantly feel they are under observation and are judged. I guess that is not the case with men with exception to police survilance.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
Desi Girl hopes this explains the post.
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I think parental and societal expectations generally ruin the lives of not just women, but men too. IHM’s tag on “Sins against gender stereotypes” for example, showed us that it’s cool for women to have some “manly” attributes, but totally uncool for men to do the reverse – as demonstrated by the remarkably poor participation of men in the tag 🙂
So if I were to direct anger at anyone, it would be less on men and rather more on the parents – of whom the mother is hardly less guilty than the father and just as complicit.
Incidentally, it’s not a feature unique to India. Even a cursory reading of Samuel Butler’s “The way of all flesh” gives us an idea of the devastating effects that parents can have on children – male or female. Sometimes more on the male because he’s expected to live up to expectations.
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