An Ode to Mothering Desi Sons

5 Mar

An Ode to Mothering Desi Sons

 

Please watch from 5.03 mins onwards. I am still learning how to edit this video.

 

I just loved this punch line:

His individuality utterly stifled by a suffocating blanket of maternal protectiveness that has rendered him unable to do anything except …

 

This video was removed as it came to my notice some people were posting comments on various HBD and PUA blogs and forums using www.girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com URL as their moniker. This may have brougt in some trafic to GGTS but that is not the purpose of this blog. This blog is dedicated to healthy relationships and respect for all. Due to popular demand I have reinstalled this video. Enjoy…

28 Responses to “An Ode to Mothering Desi Sons”

  1. Chaphanda May 16, 2010 at p05 #

    Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
    I’ve been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!

    Thumbs up, and keep it going!

    Cheers
    Christian

    Like

  2. desibahu March 19, 2010 at p03 #

    I remember more books. Most of these I read to understand people (please excuse any grammatical errors; I left school a long time ago for my family. I was an excellent writer back in the days. I was doing a double major, Psychology and Social Work. Part of the reason for my interest in such books):

    Who’s Pulling Your Strings? How to break the cycle of manipulation and regain control of life by Harriett B. Baker

    Dealing With Difficult People: 24 lessons for bringing out the best in everyone by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner.

    And the thing I found most helpful was to visit them as rarely as possible. But when they do come over to stay this time I’m really thinking I should cook and freeze a bunch of food and go to my mom’s house which again isn’t any better. But I’ve learned one thing. No matter how bad your parents are, in-laws can cause way more damage. Especially desi in-laws, they affect the husband and wife relationship very negatively, especially if your husband spent most of his life in India/Pakistan or whatever country they are from. So for now I don’t care if they dislike me or not for doing this, but I’ve got to for the sake of sanity and my marriage. Before, even tough SIL, MIL, FIL were bullying me when I would go visit, I would still go because I thought if I don’t go they will think bad of me. I was trying to please these people. Not anymore. And I would never ever leave my kids with any of these people. I had a fatal medical condition, and had to go to the hospital, and mistakenly left my kids with my SIL. Seeing how scared my son was of her when I came back, and how my little baby girl( who couldn’t go downstairs) was upstairs repeating mama mama for who knows how long till I came back while she is sitting downstairs calmly feeding her son. And my Mil and FIL I need not go into detail into what they have or could do. Anyway kids are hungry, bye. Point is don’t ever trust these crazy people to take care of your kids. Did you know: my mother actually told my baby sister that I moved away cuz I hated her when I got married. So don’t trust crazy people with your kids.

    Like

    • girlsguidetosurvival March 19, 2010 at p03 #

      Desi Bahu,

      Please accept my sympathies for your health. I’ll keep you in my thoughts. Hope you feel better.

      I am impressed how well read you are. You are doing good, just marveling if you have considered writing again. Desi Girl could help you, you can pick a topic of your choice matching the theme of this blog and Desi Girl would help with editing and filling in details.

      I am wondering have you given a thought that you are so well read and informed still feeling so much resentment. Where is this anger and hurt coming from? Yes, it is over whelming when you are in the situation. When you are constantly being judged and barraged with nasty remarks it is obvious to feel agitated. Think is there anything you can change in your situation that will make you feel better and in control. It is true you cannot control what your MIL, FIL and SILs say to you but can choose how you want to react to that information. I was in the similar situation and it shook my core. Then I started working on my spiritual core and strengthened it to an extent where my presence became disturbing for them. Its my belief, that if a person is weak on their spiritual core they’ll feel a need to react to every thing around them. And this cycle of reaction and counter reaction further weakens the person.

      You are dealing with too many problems: over bearing in-laws, natal family, a spouse who is not very helpful and small children. Handle one problem at a time.

      1. How does it matter to you what your MIL tells your baby sitter?
      Even if it is true it is not your baby sitter’s business.

      2. Shuttling from one dysfunctional situation to another is never a
      solution it is like choosing between bad and worse.

      3. Have numbers of few pre screened and reliable on call baby
      sitters who you can call on if you have to go to a doctor due to
      an emergency. Use them even if your in-laws offer to baby sit
      your children. This will send a strong message.

      4. Make friends, befriending other parents in the vicinity is a good
      idea. That way your kids can have play dates.

      5. Try some meditation techniques that will help you build your
      spiritual core. I use Kundalini Yoga meditations from
      http://www.kriteachings.com .

      I hope this response makes you feel better.
      Sending you warm thoughts and love,

      Desi Girl

      Like

      • desibahu March 20, 2010 at p03 #

        Hey thanks for all the advice. Well honestly, it is only very very recently that I have come into the world again. When all this crap was going on in the begining, I had nothing and nobody. Yes, I had lost myself, I had lost who I was, I had lost normal thinking, I was a zombie. Now I’m starting to find myself again, starting to feel again, starting to feel free, starting to explore and go out in the world and do what makes me unique and happy. And one of those things is reading. I always loved the idea of writing a book/aricle/novel. I was a very creative person. I was writing songs, I had taken different writing classes, I was desiging and stuff. But bet I can’t write anymore. I’ve lost a lot of my brain. And there’s no time, I’ve got little kids. They’re sleeping right now. I can’t even think anymore! I don’t know what I like or not like.
        I agree with you about spirituality. I was a very spiritual person. But slowly and piece by piece, I broke till I was not the same person anymore. But you know what? I’m building myself again.
        And I guess you misunderstood my sentence. I don’t have a babysitter. Unfortunately from what I’ve seen growing up, I don’t like to trust my kids with any one. It was not my MIL, it was the mother who gave birth to me who told my little 6-7 year old sister that I had moved away because I hated her (my little sister) when I got married and moved away. I guess I was tring to say be careful who you leave your kids with. If you know this person has issues, better not leave your kids with them.
        As of my health, I have recovered from that heart/lung condition.
        I don’t have as much anger as I had before. It was so much anger, it controlled my life. Yes, I still have anger, but I can tell you it’s not controlling my life any more. I’m controlling it now. I don’t give details of everything that was done to me by these people/ everything that I allowed them to do actually. No it wasn’t as bad as what some other people had gone through. But I know if some one else had gone through it, only then could they understand why I changed. I used to be a very caring person, always thinking of others before me. Crying/worring bout other people’s probems/situations. I wanted to help people. I cannot believe who I became. A mean person. My fault! Because I was so concerned about pleasing mean people. The only way to live with them is to become mean yourself. Become cold so you can not feel. Become cold so you can accept this as normal. Become mean to vent out your anger. This mean/cold person that I became is still in the process of exiting………

        Like

  3. desibahu March 19, 2010 at p03 #

    Here’s some good reads:

    Forced to Be Family: A Guide for Living with Sinister Sisters, Drama Mamas, and Infuriating In-Laws by Cheryl Dellasega.

    I’m currently reading some Dr. Phil books. I’ve got Relationship Rescue, Family First, and Self Matters.

    I am also going to the library today to get Susan Forward’s book Toxic Parents. I just looked at the list of books she’s written online, most of them seem very interesting.

    Any other books I can’t remember. I’ve been reading a lot recently. (kinda reading- I’ve got little ones)

    Like

    • girlsguidetosurvival March 19, 2010 at p03 #

      Yes, they are indeed good books. I have read them all. The Relationship rescue has a companion workbook try that too.

      I’ll also recommend books on codependency- Pia Melody or Pia Beattie either one.

      Susan Forward’s Emotional Blackmail is the core book I like the most.

      Reading is always good it opens up a whole world of knowledge and it also breaks the isolation we are foreced to live in the name of pretending to be normal and be accepted.
      Thank you, Desi Bahu.

      Keept it up,

      Peace

      Like

      • desibahu March 20, 2010 at p03 #

        Hmmmm………….I’ll see if they have them in my larbaby (as my daughter calls it). Larbaby means library. Peace to you too.

        Like

  4. Turqouise Clouds March 14, 2010 at p03 #

    Have you seen this site?

    http://motherinlawhell. com/

    If you scroll down to “choose a topic” there’s a whole section for “Indian Daughter In Laws” and their stories are REALLY INTENSE!!!

    Like

    • girlsguidetosurvival March 14, 2010 at p03 #

      Yes, I did visit that site before I started this blog. I saw that most comments were filled with tit for tat tactics. I personally do not subscribe to such passive aggressive behaviors because there is no end to it. I wanted to create a safe space where constructive solutions could be explored and academically sound research based information on taboo topics and not so commonly discussed topics could be shared.

      Thanks for visiting and sharing the information.

      Hey, I heard Torqouise is the color for coming spring.

      Peace

      Like

  5. Attn: Milky Chai March 13, 2010 at p03 #

    I was unable to post at your blog but have you heard of “co-wash”? It’s a Black technique. You wash your hair ONLY with conditioner. I’m not Black but I’ve tried it and love it. So just this week, forego the oil and when you wash, wash only with a good thick conditioner.

    Like

    • Milky Chai March 13, 2010 at p03 #

      Thank you whoever posted about the co-wash. Sorry you couldn’t post a comment on my blog. I tried it not being signed in and got an error as well. I tried it a second time and it worked. I’ll send a message so hopefully they can get it fixed.
      Thanks!

      Like

  6. desibahu March 12, 2010 at p03 #

    so wat to do wen mil/fil curse at your kids? how to answer/react? wat about sil/devraani putting your kids down? how to handle them? do with me what you want but i swear i did not want to let any of these susralees in my house after an extremely mean remark about my preschooler, not that their other curses or put-downs are not mean towards my kids. but u can only imagine how mean it was if they are already saying mean things about your kids. then they complain iève only thought them english. yeahj cuz i donèt want them to understand yall.
    ….i mean are they just ill-educated about kids or what????????????are they trying to prove to me they don’t like me. yeah, my man choose me on his own. yeah, i have to hear from my mil about how beautiful and “educated”(funny) the other prospects were. i mean who does this to kids

    Like

    • MilkyChai March 12, 2010 at p03 #

      desibahu:
      Exactly why my husbands’ parents are never allowed to come around me or our child. Even my husband refuses to let them around. You have to protect your childs spirit. Once a family member breaks their spirit/confidence it will be nearly impossible to get it back. Set limits desibahu. It sadens me that desi in-laws think it’s appropriate to abuse family memebers.

      Like

    • girlsguidetosurvival March 13, 2010 at p03 #

      Desi Bahu,

      Welcome to GGTS, this is safe space. I commiserate with you. If you are a desi then it is little difficult but not impossible. If you are a gori or a non-desi just snap them out of your life, if you are accused of selfishness or what ever just use the stereotypes (like non desi bahus are selfish, can’t expect loyalty from non desi bahu etc.) strategically to your advantage. Every thing is fair in love and war. This is both, love for your children and war to protect your children.

      Please read the page of Self Confidence as it explains its process. Parents’, caregivers and other significant people’s love, encouragement and acceptance of children’s mistakes leads them towards self reliance and they learn to accept themselves thus develop self confidence. As a parent it is your duty to protect your child from these evil attacks because children cannot protect themselves. I’ll narrate my experience- I remember I was about six or seven years old. We were visiting my maternal grandparents. My parents had to go to another town to visit an ailing relative. They took my baby brother along and left me with my granny and uncle’s family because it was a long journey in public transports (we didn’t have a car then). While my parents were gone I played with cousins but I would ask every few hours when my parents are coming back. My uncle teasingly said they have left me, they have taken my brother along and they are not coming back for me. I kept insisting they’ll come back in the evning as they said the more he kept teasing me. My faith started faltering my heart was sinking. As soon as it started getting dark I grew concerned. I was afraid I wanted to cry but I was pretending to put a brave face. Now it was pitch dark and uncle repeated his statement number of times and my fear of abandonment had no bounds. I didn’t want to go to sleep as I didn’t want his words to come true. My parents came back around midnight and I started crying. I told them what mom’s brother said. My parents were very tired, they asked me to stop crying and go to bed. They just told me it was nonsense and how could I be so stupid to believe that they’ll abandon me.

      For a seven year old this was a question of life and death. It wasn’t logic or illogic. This was my first lesson that my feelings and fears do not matter. I have to act brave no matter how scared I was. To feel brave I had to tell others they were cowards and act foolhardy. The fear of abandonment got so deeply rooted in my heart that it took me five long years to break free from an abusive relationship. I discovered this link between my childhood fears of abandonment and stay in abusive situation while I was talking to my friend Atiya as she is having second thoughts about walking out on her dead marriage due to abandonment fears.

      To my parents it was just a small incident but it changed the direction of my life. My parents unconditionally have supported me through my good and bad decisions. But that one incident just remained intact in my subconscious. So what I am suggesting is as a parent please keep reassuring your children that you love them and you are there for them. No matter what these evil people say to them, it is not true. It is your right to put your foot down. Disciplining children is the job of parents not grandparents. Grandparents have done their job by raising their own children. If you are letting them have access to your children it is a privilege it is not their right.

      These ILs are manipulating your children and are getting back at you through them. Some of them are very sweet to the kids then they start poisoning the kids against the mother by saying mean things about her. Either way the innocent children are scarred for life. Please feel supported, your children deserve better. Talk to your spouse, if he supports you good if not then seek counseling how to empower and equip your self to deal with this vicious cycle. For counseling- if you are out of India find information about local non-profits in the yellow pages. If you are in India then please talk to your doctor or look for service in the nearest medical college.

      About the devrani jethani problem I’ll have to write a whole post. It will follow over this weekend.

      Please feel supported and loved,

      Desi Girl😉

      Like

      • desibahu March 15, 2010 at p03 #

        thanx for everyone’s replies. it was hard when i thought i was the only one in the world. when i found out in-laws are like this, it helped a lot. i’m not the only one. funny thing is, i was happy to be out of my parents house. i thought they were so bad. i was out of hell. but once my mil, sil, fil came into the picture, once i went back home to visit, once i read some other people’s stories i realized my mom n dad were not bad, this is just how many people are back home. fortunatly my aunts and uncles have been the sweetest “normalest” people in my life when i was growing up. and before i saw anything bad from them, we had moved to usa.

        I have been reading a few books to help me understand these people, i love psychology. and this website is like nothing else that i have seen, it’s like desi psychology. i’m understanding so much. no my mil is not disciplining my kids when she curses n stuff. she just does it. i’ve seen this look on her face as if she loves what she’s saying when she makes a hurtful comment about my kids to me. why is she doing this? to show me that she don’t like me? then why not direct it at me? cuz she knows this hurts more? i dunno. i mean i dunno her heart.

        I never knew they can poison a kid about their mother. i’ve seen all evil by now, trust me. and all thse people have improved very much, maybe cuz i’m seeing them less and and less, maybe cuz they have changed, maybe cuz i was so sick the doctors said i can die any time and they had some heart. some of it is i think, and i emphazise the word think because i’m really not sure, that they are from a village, almost uneducated. their environment is different. they don’t really know how to deal with kids. maybe lack of understanding. the first time i saw my mil cursing at my kids i was extremely shocked. then i thought she is uneducated that’s why. but i didn’t know how to react. i would just keep quiet. or somethimes pick him up and take him to the kitchen with me. luckily my son doesn’t understand them yet, and they only come around for a few weeks/months t visit every year. kids can sense stuff. when she talks to him normal, he says, “she’s being mad at me”.

        I will later post names of some good books i’ve read relating to these topics. as for my sil, i don’t get her. but all i sense is that she might be exteremely jealous. that’s why its necessary for her to involve innocent little kids in HER game of who wins the in-laws affection. and i don’t need to tell you what kinds of things people do and say when jealousy gets out of hand. or she might have also been raised in a semi-uneducated environment. because i have never ever from any of my family( my mom n dad excluded) seen anyone that comments negatively about kids, compares them, tries to get others to think negatively/badly about my kids

        Like

  7. desibahu March 12, 2010 at p03 #

    i mean at one point i thought she was after him, but what does she want? the whole family knows she “loves her devaar so much”. i mean is this innocent love? is it normal in desi culture? the only thing my hubby did for her is to defend her when there was some family turmoil betwwen her and my in-laws. it was me who told my husband to defend her BECAUSE I HAD NOT MET HER AT THE TIME AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS BEING MISTREATED BY HER HUSBAND AND IN-LAWS. which ofcourse was somewhat true cuz of the nature of desi in-laws and my in-laws especially but she ain’t no innocent cinderella. i mean i don’t want to say something bad. i’ve said enough. she told me things about her brother and his wife which showed me her negative character, and she didn’t think it bad. and ofcourse i have the ability to zero in on people’s personalities. how can you complain of injustice by in-laws when u yourself are like that? u treat your brother’s wife like s——- and want him to treat her like that too? u scream at your husband and want people to feel sorry for him screaming at you? all i sense is “fake” from her. o the oher thing my husband did for her is that she begged for a house and ofcourse my hubby did majotr contributions towards this project. what i don’t get is this lovey dovey that seems out of line for him. i mean men are men. they don’t see it nor get it. but when it gets to the point where he can’t heaer anything bad about her even if it’s true and when my saas or anyone says something cruel he is silemnt. if it were about her, he could not bear to remain silent. she called me something extremely cruel in front of him. he said nothing ofcourse. then years later i mention it, and he says well u keep thinking bad things abpout her and my mom and dont say them, atleast she said whats in her heart. dude i had the most respect for your mom until i saw hr character in my house. and i defended your brother;s wife until i saw her character.

    Like

    • girlsguidetosurvival March 16, 2010 at p03 #

      Desi Bahu,

      Desi Girls is glad she could help. It is always a great relife to know that one is not alone and odd one out. We are taught to feel ashamed about our lives and happenings in our families by making suggestions that all others are normal except us because we are questioning the conventions. Thus we make futile attempts to become that “normal” that is not there in reality. Here is a good example of famous women taking abuse, and also note how their children are turned against them by the extended family.

      http://www.indianexpress.com/ie/daily/19980512/13250344.html

      You may say it is just one or two cases but remember this news came out because they were famous people. All those who are ordinary and are not in position to report go unaccounted for. For more details on intimate partner and familial abuse and children becoming abusive to mothers in educated and affluent Indians please refer Bhattacharya (2004). Rinki Bhattacharya was wife of film director Basu Bhattacharya. She publically walked out of her violent marriage in 1984.

      Children are perceptive and they imbibe vibes. As a parent you are in position to monitor who has access to your child.

      Please read the relationship patterns for more details on how repeat the dysfunctional behaviors we have learned at home in the outside world and especially in intimate relationships.

      I am sorry for not being able to post the dewrani-jethani post as you would have noticed I was dealing with imposters malgning the name of GGTS. I assure you as soon as I have little more time on my hands the post will follow.

      Your suggestions and recommendations about books and other tips are always welcome.

      Please share this message of hope with others who may benefit from it.

      Peace,

      Desi Girl

      Reference:

      Bhattacharya, Rinki (2004) Behind Close Doors: Domestic Violence in India, New Delhi: Sage Publications.

      Like

  8. desibahu March 12, 2010 at p03 #

    very interesting. funny. does anyone has experience from husband’s brother’s wife? i mean, is it normal for them to competetive to the point that they make cruel remarks to put you and your children down? why in the world would they act loving/kind/dutiful towards your husband while being nasty with everyone else? why would they say that they like your husband very much? who by the way is elder of two brothers. and the money tree of the whole family. to the point that yoyr husband is blind to her games and sees her as an angel. defends her. not you? she has improved a lot. but im still suspicious of this woman. this ain’t your normal everyday desi woman that you meet. this is quit an interesting character. bully. clever. shrewd. thinks she’s all that. very jealous. never heard anything nice about her husband from her mouth-trying to make him look bad and feels happy doing so. her stories don’t make sense. liar. has to be the hero-“i did this for so and so, i did that, blah, blah, blah…”. even doesn’t leave kids alone. who is she to threaten my kids that she will beat them, they were 3 or 4 years old at the time. why does she after my husband?

    Like

  9. Freudian Slip March 11, 2010 at p03 #

    Does PIMIL mean Pakistani-Indian-Mother-in-law? What does PAFIL mean?

    Like

    • girlsguidetosurvival March 11, 2010 at p03 #

      PIMIL is an accronym created by the milky chai life (http://themilkychailife.blogspot.com/). It stands for psychotic Indian mother in-law. It can be equally applied to any psychotic mil around the world. PIFIL is the male equivalent of PIFIL. For explanation of term “desi” refer http://www.sepiamutiny.com .

      Psychotic attributes are not just copyright of MILs of the world even some FILs are drama queens. It is basically attention seeking behavior deviced to manipulate and control those who are directly related to these people, especially sons and their wives. Daughters are not immune to such manipulation but their staying at their marital homes away from parents gives them some immunity.

      Usually the children of such drama junkie parents learn early on that drama is an effective tool to control people and seek attention hence they deploy it strategically when ever and where ever needed.

      Like

    • MilkyChai March 12, 2010 at p03 #

      Freudian Slip:
      girlsguidetosurvival answered correctly. My acronym for PIMIL is psychotic Indian mother-in-law. PAFIL is passive-agressive father-in-law. I know not all Indian parents are like this but mine are exceptionally psychotic. In all seriousness, my PIMIL’s sister is schizophrenic so I seriously do think she may also have real psychosis. But it is also true that mothers in the Indian culture are far more dramatic, unreasonable and just not in touch with reality more so than westerners.
      And girlsguidetosurvival is the most experienced and knowledgable ‘person’ I know who has dealt with PIMIL’s and PAFIL’s. She has a PhD equivalent dealing with it😉

      Like

      • girlsguidetosurvival March 12, 2010 at p03 #

        Milky Chai,

        Thank you for your support and encouragement. Yes, I do have an advanced degree in social relationships but it did not teach me a thing about how to protect my self from in-laws. I learned all this in the game but could not use it until I was totally out of “the game.” For this reason alone I started this blog. There are many women like me, highly educated, professionally competent and have had the so called “love marriages” and are dealing with the same ugly problems that any assumingly less educated, home maker in an arragnged marriage would face. Read more in “Desi Parenting: Raising Confused Daughters.”

        Advanced degree did teach me what was unjust (even non literate women around the world know that) and it was artificial thus could be changed (this was good information). But it failed to tell me how to change it (this was total waste of all the knowledge I gained because now I was stuck and more frustrated as I could do nothing, it almost pushed me to the edge of bitterness). This blog is about the “how to” part. This “how to” is my “project me,” it began five years ago and continues. Could not have done it without my 3Fs- my faith, family and friends.

        Once again thanks for your support and encouragement. Please do share this message of hope with all those who may benefit from it.

        Like

  10. Freud March 9, 2010 at p03 #

    Why do you think it is that Desi moms appear more emotionally and even romantically attached to their sons than their own husbands?

    Also, what does PIMIL and PAFIL.

    Like

    • girlsguidetosurvival March 11, 2010 at p03 #

      00Rate This

      The answer is simple their husbands are their oppressors hence are incapable of providing their wives with companionship and emotional support. The reason for their oppressive behavior is the so called ideals of masculinity prevelant in the desi culture- men must not show emotions, a man should not let a woman know how he feels or she’ll start treating him as a weakling, to be a man he has to keep a woman in her place by abusing her/or being indifferent to her. Most of all inorder to be a man he ought to treat a woman as his unequal and not as his peer. Thus most FILs have never been emotionally available to these PIMILs, so they have harped all their hopes of emotional fulfilment from their sons.

      Sons are like an investment- one can manipulate them and they cannot escape away because a mother can always pull out her best weapon- “I gave you birth,” “I had been through so much for your sake,” “I took all the nonsense from your father and his family for you or else I could have committed suicide, now this is how you are paying me back” etc.

      Also, sons are like a power tool, pride of the possesser. A desi man is unwilling to treat a desi woman as his peer and cohort but only as inferior (superior case is only as mother and women in mother’s generation) in such circumstances to feel powerful and excercise control over men becoming the mother of son/s is the only option. Even if the woman is professionaly powerful over numerous men it doesn’t matter as this power is impersonal. Personal power is so much more thrilling (also, most of these PIMILs are not in professional leadership postions).

      About the romantic attachment that is little more complicated. PIMILs not only suffer from emotional starvation from their husbands but are also romantically challenged because without emotional intimacy romance is not possible. Thus they are jealous of women who have that connection with any men and most of all their sons. Competing with the DILs in attire and jewelery, creating scenes whenever the son and DIL are enjoying are their favorite hobbies.

      I feel sorry for PIMILs for they know their worth only through manipulation and are incapable of enjoying the wonders of life. I feel sorry for desi FILs and men for they missout so much in life for just proving they are “men” as defined by their culture and tradition. I hope this answers your question.

      Like

      • MilkyChai March 12, 2010 at p03 #

        Great answer girlsguidetosurvival! I also wondered what the Indian mother’s romantic attachment to their sons was all about. I’ve joked with my husband about the whole ‘Macbeth’ thing going on and he doesn’t see it (of course). But it’s real. My PIMIL acts like a scorned woman, whose son cheated on her with his new wife. Soooooooo weird! I just can’t wrap my head around that concept, especially since I am also a parent.
        Again, I can’t get enough of your wealth of knowledge dealing with PIMIL’s and PAFIL’s. You are a PhD equivalent in dealing with it (see my response above to Freudian Slip). Thank you for your awesome blog!

        Like

  11. MilkyChai March 8, 2010 at p03 #

    *meant to say… they made their beds, they shall lie in it.*

    Like

  12. MilkyChai March 8, 2010 at p03 #

    LOVE THE VIDEO!!! And the youtube video link was hilarious!
    One of the rantings that my PIMIL harped on during our recent infamous phone call was did I know that her son was “obligated to take care of” PIMIL. I told her that I would have been more than happy to have taken care of her in her old age had she just been decent to me and since she hasn’t been, she can FORGET COMING TO MY HOME!!! I seriously don’t know what my husband will do at that time (poor guy) but I can tell you I will not bend on that horrible creature being permitting into our home. Period. Can you blame me? I say, there are great retirement homes here in the states!!! LOL! If she steps foot into our home we’ll all suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. Besides, PIMIL and PAFIL have enough $ to buy the finest retirement living in the U.S. They made their, they shall lie in it!
    I am a faithful follower of your blog girlsguidetosurvival! Reading your blog is helping me to survive my own nightmare😉

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    • girlsguidetosurvival March 11, 2010 at p03 #

      I guess you are lucky being a gori, you can say, my home is off limits and I have the right to deny old age care services. I was stuck in the horrible mess and PIMIL had a new drama every week. PIMIL would call overseas to cry to her son “nobody will care for her in her old age.” and he in fear of this prophacy becoming true accuse me and then abuse me.

      Imagine the plight of all these young desi women being illtreated by these PIMIls. The worse part is they cannot even say I’m not going to serve this evil creature because she ill treated me as their spouses “are obligated to take care of their mothers.” The obligation part is absurd, it is the right thing to do for any adult child. The problematic part is the “care” as it becomes the DIL’s responsibility. If these sons are so bent on doing the right thing then they should take the responsibility of feeding, cleaning and entertaining their mothers. Why bugg their wives who are already taking care of the kids? A desi DIL cannot even say I have the right to deny services. If she does the insults are poured on her and her family extending to seven generations behind her and those coming in future.

      If these PIMILs are to live in a retirement homes will they be able to blabble their tongues so freely as they lash out on the DILs? They’ll pay a fee and happily keep their mouths shut.

      If PIMILS are so concerened with old age care why don’t they start being respectful and kind to their DILs? In Punjabi/hindi there is a idiom- “ji kaho aur ji kahlao.” Say kind and respectful words and beget kind and respectful words.

      Just tell your guy, you love him and feel for him but don’t ever offer to invite PIMIL over. I did that and she started bossing me around in my home and her son became party to it. Person should know their boundaries and some desi mils who become PIMILs have difficulty understanding the word boundary.

      I feel this whole scene is so pathetic. These are unhappy people who exude extreme unhappiness where ever they go. They may be ill treated by their PIMILs and they feel they are entitled to do the same forgetting how they treated their mils. They miss out so much even their own sons don’t want to be around them forget the DILs and grandkids. What a waste of human potential.

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From the wet market

Mostly vegetarian meals from Asia

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