A New Fatwa: Does it Matter?

The ringing phone woke me up. I am not a morning person, though I want to be one because it would help with my sadhana. It is not my thing. I did not want to get out of the bed but the phone would not stop ringing (I keep phone and alarm clock on the other side of the room just a technique to help me from sinking back into the bed). I picked the phone; it was Begum, my Pakistani friend. I mumbled “Ah, Begum so early whatz up?” Begum was pretty charged up. She was up in arms, “Did you see that on the ndtv, did you see it.” I was still sleepy and Begum was literally screaming in my ears. She asked me to turn on my computer and take a look at the email she sent me. I wanted little time but she was on my way or high way. I abided by what she said.

Her email read “watch this and write something.” I am one lazy dog who refuses to write about current topics because I know many bloggers will do that every morning so why do I need to reinvent the wheel. Rather I prefer writing comments on other people’s posts. Here Begum was on my case. She was calling me 11,000 miles away at an uncomfortable time to tell me what she thinks about this new fatwa on working women. Her voice was tense and high pitched all charged up. Here is what she said:

“Ask this attention seeking juvenile who is going to pay my rent and bills. Is he going to send me a check to cover my daughter’s school fee because her father washed off his hands after returning my mehar (dower)? Is he going to make sure my old parents are taken care off when I work in a sweat shop because it is one place where only women work and have no interaction with unrelated men. He doesn’t have to work his rent money comes from the zakat (tithe) other people make. How much is he willing to send me? Where should I send my budget? Begum’s voice was rising and I was now almost awake. She continued, “He is talking about the divine career or carrier like the cycle carrier, on the day of judgment why doesn’t he say anything about my present. Yeh, kill my present career to make my divine career, good advice.” “Why is he concerned about my journey on the pul-e-siraat I’ll manage it on my own, I make an honest living and I am raising my daughter all by myself. Does he have anything to say to the father of my child? Why can’t he mind his own business, attention seeker?

 I had to say something before her voice rose even higher. I said, “Begum, this guy is in India and you are in Pakistan on vacation why are you so charged up and what is this with attention seeking thing?” I was amused at her explanation, “Your Khaps have seized all the attention in the last month and there is nothing for this guy to do these days. In order to feel he exists and to make others known that he is still alive he has to make such absurd comments every now and then. Do you think we educated women are going to follow what he says? Be assured we are not, he is just barking at the wrong tree. Will your Sania Mirza stop playing or Shabana Azmi quit acting. But he is definitely making it hard for the poor uneducated masses especially women and pushing them into cycle of poverty generation after generation. I asked again, “He is in India how does it bother you?” Her response was, “As a sensible person it bothers me. It encourages other guys in the third world to come up with such absurd ideas and make women’s already hard lives harder.”

 Begum was equally mad at the moderates and liberals. She said the moderates were buying peace from such fundamentalist at any cost forgetting peace at any cost is no peace where as, liberals are hiding because they are scared to face the fundamentalists. She had few other personal and not so personal things to vent out and I am all ears. Isn’t that what friends are for. I have eliminated all the expletives from this talk. I love her Urdu spiced with Punjabi and before saying Allah Hafiz I asked her to narrate Ustad Daman’s my favorite couplet:

Anna mare anni noo, ghasun pain dhammi noo,

A blindman in his bid to hit the blind woman hits a pillar but is thinking he is hitting the blindwoman.

 Keep bribing and corrupting the system as much you can, keep biting on what ever you can but still keep screaming it is evil system.

Jinni jinni paindi ay oni oni paayi jao, whichon wich khayee jao, utton utton rola payi jao.

Do what ever works as always thus continue your old ways (contribute to towards the corruption of the system ) but keep crying wolf (keep complaining like always).  This was the best interpretation I could provide.

Aren’t You the Curry n’ Rice Girl?

Technically Aren’t You the Curry n’ Rice Girl?

 “Aren’t You the Curry and Rice Girl? My best foody who happens to be also my best friend for ever (BFF) posed this question on Skype during our weekly catching up session. It took me off guard. I blurted, “You know that I seldom eat rice and my relationship with curry is not very good either? Then why do you ask?” I was bit confused how could he ask such a lame question. The next thing I see on the screen is this youtube link. I almost fell off my chair I was laughing so violently.

 He continued, “I mean do these men stand a chance with you?” I was again taken aback how my BFF could ask me such a question when he knows I am not in this game. I don’t cook, clean or you know what… I camp, boogie board, meditate and have decided not to have any biological children hope he remembers I laugh like a devil on high. Oh yeh, I don’t drink, smoke or date either. I am pretty boring in a conventional sense. What is he thinking? I don’t fit any where in the desi box. Since I initiated project ME after homelessness and hit and run, I realized I am not any longer a relationship person, my priorities are different. I have recently started running after five years. I want to run marathons, climb Kilimanjaro. Yes, Papy we are going to Kili in 2012 on your big year. Nurse your back and get ready. Ok conditions apply- if I manage to stay alive till then. I had to repeat all of the above to him and remind him how lame it was to ask me such a question. He did not give up and continued “ok, then do they stand a chance with your friends?”

 Yeh, that is a different question I can’t speak for my friends but I have known them well for eons. I don’t think they’ll differ with me. Who knows their priorities might have changed like mine. Then I recalled Amu was still on shaadi.com and Atiya still hopeful to find someone to share her life with. Ah, this thing called hope and hope to find that one true “Love.” I roped in Amu on the Skype conference and asked her the same question. There was a silence for a minute and then follows what she said, he said and I said.

 Amu: Good video.

Desi Girl: BFF is asking if these guys stand a chance with you? Awaiting your expert comments…

Amu: Are you out of your mind?

Desi Girl: Why? Don’t you wanna find someone and have a family?

Amu: That is true, but I have never seen you putting me on the spot like this.

Desi Girl: I am just asking a question. What is the problem there?

Amu: Why do you have to hear every word from me when you know the answer?

Desi Girl: Yes, that is true. This BFF wont take my word so I want to you tell him what I already know.

Amu: A (we call him A for short), that is ridiculous.

BFF: Hi! Thanks, But why?

Amu: Do I have to explain that.

BFF: Yes, it will help my understanding of Indian culture (he is African American male big into diversity, cultural sensitivity and exploring racism in diverse locations, has made few documentaries in the Latin America)

Amu: Look dude I am in my early thirties, divorced desi woman who has a professional degree and a well paying job. I don’t cook or clean unless I want to. I exercise at least 5 times a week and I go dancing at least twice a month.

BFF: So it that a problem?

Amu: What have you then learned about desi culture? Oh my, DG you need to give him a 101 on Desi Gender Relations and gender expectations for desi women.

BFF: You just give me a yes and no answer.

Amu: Ok if that is what you want, NO in caps. Happy now?

BFF: But why?

Amu: Oh my God I never thought I’ll have to spell it out aloud.

BFF: Is there a problem?

Amu: You won’t let it go then take it. I don’t find any of them attractive to even go out with.

BFF: Isn’t that little shallow. I thought you would see beyond the exteriors. Isn’t that what we are suppose to do, give another person a chance and get to know someone before we write them off?

Amu: Thanks for judging me you Freud. Say what you wish but that is it for me. Also, I am not into these theatrics. Ask Atiya, she is the one with a degree in cinema studies. And you DG, don’t you do this again.

 Still refusing to let it go BFF stuck to his guns, I had to call Atiya on my crisis call three ring code (it means get on Skype or gmail, need to talk NOW). She had just returned from the college. She logged in and saw me haggling with BFF. I explained her issue at hand and sent her the link to take a peek. Here is what follows:

 Desi Girl: A wants to know if any of these guys stand a chance with any of us and you in particular.

Atiya: Interesting, you pinged me for this. Couldn’t this wait? I thought there was some existential crisis at your end.

Desi Girl: I implore you please do not log out on me this A, is driving me nuts.

Atiya: Interesting video, it is hilarious. But A why do you ask this?

BFF: I just wanted to know what kind of men do highly educated professional desi women prefer.

Atiya: It is not that simple. One takes many factors in consideration. You have to sort of know the other person…

BFF: You think like me, so this means you’ll go out with one of these guys.

Atiya: No I don’t think so.

BFF: Why not?

Atiya: Do I have to tell you?

BFF: Yes please, it will help me improve my understanding of desi culture more so of desi women.

Atiya: I don’t find that amusing. So keep a lid.

BFF: I just asked a simple question why you women have to be so uptight about it.

Atiya: Ok, No, I’ll not go out with someone I don’t find attractive.

BFF: That is too shallow?

Atiya: Yes, I know it is shallow but will it be right to go out and find out you like them and still are not attracted to them. Then it will be even harder to break it to them.

BFF: But aren’t you the fair and slimmmm girl!

Atiya: Yes, I may be but I am a healthy person who takes care of herself and is not interested in caring for another person who chooses to live an unhealthy life style.

BFF: How can you tell that looking at the person in the video? Isn’t the love supposed to motivate the partner to strive for good things. Isn’t the love about accepting the people for who they are?

Atiya: Enough, you Freud. Why can’t desi men accept us for who we are? Why is it that it is always desi women accepting not just men but their families too.  

BFF: I donno…

 Atiya: DG tell him about still fair and slim, mother of two and project manager Anu, who fakes it as if she is with someone else when she can’t stand now fat and ugly Ramesh.

Desi Girl: Uh!!! I didn’t need to know that…

Atiya: DG you owe me a good one. Get ready for that…

Desi Girl: Hoy, Hoy … I am not in this game. You guys need to sort it out on your own.

Atiya: Loged off

Desi Girl: Dude you are in trouble and you have put me in a big trouble with my girls.

BFF: Why? I thought your friends would be more accepting.

Desi Girl: Dude, I don’t disagree with you but I don’t disagree with them either. These are successful women who are competent enough to take care of themselves. They are looking for partners not chaperons. Also, why would they stick around with someone who is callous about their appearance and health? I guess they are accepting the fact what they need in a partner. I guess good job and reputed family are no longer sufficient conditions for an eligible desi bachelor…

BFF: I donno…

 It is for the readers to decide and make their mind about our Curry n’ Rice Girl…

 Enjoy Singing:

 Few times I checked the magazine ads,

I even tried the Indian chats,

Cos I really wanna find the right girl

I want a curry n rice girl!

I asked my dad and I asked my mum

To put my biodata on shaadi.com

Cos they want to find the right girl

They really don’t want a white girl!

O0o0o shes too dark shes too big!

O0o0o shes too short shes too thin!

O0o0o shes too small shes too light!

O0o0o0o OH MY GOD look shes so WHITE!

I looked thru the mags

Thru the county ads

Cos I was looking for my future wife

So an ad in the back I really liked

For a girl that was fair and slimmmm!

So I went to the house

And to my surprise

I saw the girl in front of me

And couldn’t tell if it was a her or him!

Few times I checked the magazine ads,

I even tried the Indian chats,

Cos I really wanna find the right girl

I want a curry n rice girl!

I asked my dad and I asked my mum

To put my biodata on shaadi.com

Cos they want to find the right girl

They really don’t want a white girl!

O0o0o shes too dark shes too big!

O0o0o shes too short shes too thin!

O0o0o shes too small shes too light!

O0o0o0o OH MY GOD look shes so WHITE!

Hey what is ur birthday

Hey what is your screename

Larki are u on friendster too?

Cos if u are then put ur picture up

And you’ll know ill holler at you

If you want to meet

We can go to eat

We will share some lassis and some ladoos,

If this doesn’t work out ill stop chasing girls

and let my parents choose!

Few times I checked the magazine ads,

I even tried the Indian chats,

Cos I really wanna find the right girl

I want a curry n rice girl!

I asked my dad and I asked my mum

To put my biodata on shaadi.com

Cos they want to find the right girl

They really don’t want a white girl!

O0o0o shes too dark shes too big!

O0o0o shes too short shes too thin!

O0o0o shes too small shes too light!

O0o0o0o OH MY GOD look shes so WHITE!

U like my biodata?

B-I-O-D-A-T-A!

U like my biodata?

B-I-O-D-A-T-A!

U like my biodata?

B-I-O-D-A-T-A!

U like my biodata?

B-I-O-D-A-T-A!

Few times I checked the magazine ads,

I even tried the Indian chats,

Cos I really wanna find the right girl

I want a curry n rice girl!

I asked my dad and I asked my mum

To put my biodata on shaadi.com

Cos they want to find the right girl

They really don’t want a white girl!