In DG’s Less Than Perfect World

03/24/2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Yes, it is just three months and twenty three days late, did you forget about “better late than never.” Hope some of you are still continuing with your new year resolutions. DG didn’t make one, she gave up few years ago on resolutions because the pixels don’t match her drive just as the fish don’t ride the bikes. This post is not new it was penned few months ago when in a week three people told her they wanted a “life like yours” but did not make it here because other posts made it. So now why is it resurfacing? It is resurfacing because three more people within a week have wished for “a life like hers.”

DG finds a strange affinity with GGTS readers, some communicate through comments, some via private emails and yet few others ping her on gtalk or facebook. Many are curious to know what DG’s life is like. Then there are desi strangers beyond the virtual world who want to know about her every day living because they are in face to face situation they feel at liberty to ask many direct personal questions. Yes, her age is showing she is 30+ just few years shy of jumping the box. Usual conversation begins with “If she is married?” She answers, no she is single. Then the next question is she never got married or what? She wants to scream not your business be happy with the information you are given. She is neither interested in lives of inquisitive strangers  nor curious please leave her life alone let’s talk about politics and whatever… She’ll accept any and all information you give her about yourself without batting an eyelid. It is interesting in a minute these people commend DG for her life style and the very next minute they are envious, then pitiful followed by selling marriage to her. It is amazing how one person can entice so many emotions in others.

DG is pretty private person yet she shares a lot about herself and her experiences to break the isolation many desi women may be experiencing in their lives across the globe. DG’s world may seem perfect but the truth is it is pretty imperfect and less than exciting but it is her world and she loves it to pieces. There are good days and there are not so good days then there are days that cannot be defined. The everyday living she took for granted until two years ago is no longer the case. The routine she followed all her life as if on auto pilot no longer seems familiar, it often seems stranger than fiction.

An ordinary day begins with getting out of bed. Yes, it is for everyone but for DG it is important for DG because waking up at a decent hour and without pain is a biggie. There after day begins by the book and the buzzer. Yes, she has to use timer for ordinary things like bed, bath, breakfast, lunch and so on. She eats same breakfast day after day with exception to Sunday when IK takes her to Gurudwara for early morning meditation. Those people are good they not only feed you but give you take along bags too; as DG cannot be trusted around food she tries hard not to bring home any doggie bag. She loves see food; she sees food she eats food. She is a life member of overeater’s anonymous.

DG's Breakfast ready to eat

DG’s Breakfast

Due to her love for food and compulsion to eat she cooks once or twice a month and freezes portion sizes for reheating as needed but mostly survives on fruits, smoothies and saute veggies. It is not that she cannot cook she is prefers path of least resistance and labor.  Also it is safe because on numerous occasions she has managed to burn rice in rice cooker. She believes all behaviors are learned behaviors so all tastes are acquired tastes. According to her all cultures have special formula to destroy nutrition thus she prefers her food with bit of nutrition, raw, blanched or steamed is better for her. She is a one pot cooking person; less is better it is easier to clean after and most of all it is easier for her to manage on a difficult day. The fact is one pot cooking is easier to manage than multi step multi pot cooking for her.

DG's Dinner in making

DG's Dinner in making II

DG's Yummy Lunch

DG's Favorite Saute Zuccini

DG's Lunch Ready to Eat

It takes an expert to burn rice in rice cooker

A stitch in time saves nine is her motto. Everything in her world has an ascribed place, whatever you pick up from where ever kindly put it back in the same space and in same order. It not only keeps the place looking clean and organized but keeps the dust in order too. Also, it helps DG navigate on auto pilot or according to the picture (none of the pictures in this post are taken for GGTS, these are part of her cooking protocol).

Her clothes are placed in order of colors and in sets so she doesn’t have to think twice; to save the trouble most are white, anything and everything goes with one another.

With the help of her alarm clock and timer she is able to work through the list of chores she is supposed to do every day. Her talking timer tells her to get herself to gym or else she’ll be comfortable in her pajamas for days in row (it is a possibility when you work from home). Thrice a week she drags herself to gym; workout comes second to doing a crossword puzzle in the sauna. She may forget the traffic signals when crossing the road but she definitely remembers clues to the puzzles, now that is called a blessing.

Faith, family and friends are the constants and pillars of her life. Rest everything and everyone is welcome but will have to earn a place for themselves. GGTS has afforded her some very good friends who watch out for her even if it is virtually. She can count her friends on her finger tips and they do the best they can for her. Her in person interactions are very limited, thanks to technology she can lay on her couch and make her world go round. And for those who walked away she did not stop a single one of them because she believed they were there for a reason…

Yes, BFF dude DG will go on at least one date in 2012. Happy? She is making a public announcement. Sardar, now you know bahanji’s life is not for every one. It is hers and it works for her. Kid you have to make your own, there is no manual on how to live life it is live and learn but also learn from others’ mistakes you don’t have to make all the mistakes. You’ll have to get out there and take risks or else how will you know what could have been…  What ever you decide DG will support you but just be safe.

Her social filters are broken thus she has no qualms of calling out anyone on anything. That is not a very good thing but it works for her because she has the protection of creator.Yes, she rarely gets upset or loses her cool but when she does she means it. She dislikes inveterate complainants and few months ago she cursed one that they lived complaining and will die complaining. IK has been on DG’s case to take her words back but she is adamant because words once said cannot be taken back and when she said it she meant it.

Did she spoil her karma with this person? May be. How will she resolve it? As of now she has no plan when she is in that frame of mind she’ll think about it for now she’ll not fret about it; one task at a time. Yes, DG is just another person with same needs and wants she just knows the difference and she is best described in the words of Seemab Akbarabadi …

In Continuation… Happiness: A Work in Progress…

Happiness: A Work in Progress… 2

In continuation…

December 31st, 2011

To understand happiness we have to explore our relationship with unhappiness. Like everybody else DG’s relationship with unhappiness began very early in childhood. Out of the womb into the world of new faces what does a baby know? Poo, pee and scream for feed poor mum runs crazy to quite this little bundle of joy that it no longer is. So begins the regime to regulate feeding hours thus will follow the changing times and so on. Did the baby like it? How could baby tell? Baby could not talk so began the campaign to teach her how to talk. Once parents succeed in this they want to display their feat to the world. My baby can say “mommy,” “daddy,” “chocolate and what not. It became baby’s job to make them proud and happy in the world of parents to complete the sentence “my dog is better than…” or else baby was being difficult and a bad baby.

Baby picked it early on the smile mommy gives depends on obeying the commands. The smart baby goes ahead and not only follows the commands but learns new tricks for treats (approval). Some tricks/behaviors especially those the baby used her brain to learn were detrimental to parental reputation and baby’s survival outside the home. First they taught her how to talk now she speaks the truth so they have to teach her how to shut up. Auntie is fat, uncle is not good, mommy said… Thus began the second campaign to teach the baby what is desirable and does not challenges the parental wisdom and authority. The “saam, daam, dand, bhed” (use all means- tricks, treats, spanking, grounding) were used to train and make the toddler an obedient doggie. Oh, this wicked baby came programmed with her creator’s secret code fixed deep within her soul and parents had a difficult task of decoding it or shutting the code off. This is child’s earliest encounter with happiness and unhappiness.

Lesson she learned was  happiness of significant people in her life is in her hands and key to her happiness is with the significant people in her life and any other person she considers worth. So our happiness is actually mortgaged to others and each is carrying the burden of keeping the other happy. But the fact is nobody can make anyone happy if they decide to be unhappy. Do you recall the story of “sad princess,” a spoilt brat of a princess one time became silent and sad  for years and she would not laugh. Her father, the king pledged half of his kingdom to anyone who could make her laugh. Thousands tried but she did not laugh and one day she laughed at a lousy freak show. Did it mean other shows weren’t good enough? It was a choice she made. May be she laughed when she understood the joke or she became tired of remaining silent and sad.

Truth is happiness because truth sets you free but all social energies are focused on declaring the truth a malady, an ailment in need of a cure or elimination. From early on children are taught how not to honor their inner voice, a voice kept there by their creator to keep them safe. Even a very young child knows who not to trust or get closer to but parents and caregivers negate child’s apprehension and make them vulnerable to abuse. It is true children need to be taught venturing out from the safety of homes and caregivers but they also need to trust their instincts. DG felt early in the courtship it wasn’t feeling right but her friends, family and media convinced her it is just a figment of her mind and she ought to take this risk. How is a person supposed to trust their instincts when there is no validation from those around them? But why did she need a validation? Because validation and approval was what she grew up for, when and where ever she used her instincts as a guide she got in trouble as it did not match the social conventions rather challenged the folk wisdom and authority.

That inner voice never dies the clutter we pile on it just makes it feeble. Reclaiming happiness is to de-clutter and start listening to that voice. The more you honor our body and its messages the more we get closer to happiness. This body we have was given to us at birth and will remain with us until our last breath but we chose to trust everyone else who’ll leave us at anytime unannounced. Why are they more important than our body that it has to yell, scream and fall sick for our attention? In previous post DG mentioned how her hormones went haywire. Connect with your body and its messages you’ll discover “YOU” and it will lead you to the path of happiness. If your spouse is being an idiot your body will tell you don’t fight it or try to justify his/her bad behavior just accept the truth. If in-laws are monster-in-law then accept it don’t try to win in a game they invented. If your parents and siblings are energy drain and drama junkies don’t deny it accept it and protect yourself from energy suckers. If your DIL or SonIL are difficult just give yourself a timeline how much time you want to spend in their company.

Happiness is a choice. Gone are the days when marriages were means of survival for women and they had to take all the nonsense or else they had to kill themselves (this sentence is directed towards GGTS readers- middle class, highly educated and gainfully employed women; DG is very much aware of hardships of abused married women who have no recourse as she was one of them). No matter what the circumstances there is always a way out if we become still and listen to our body and our inner voice. When we acknowledge worldly chaos and accept it as truth that is when we get lost in unhappiness. DG has lived in homeless shelters, faced hunger, bore social stigmatization, isolation, self doubt and what not but she always had one thing clear in her head no matter what she was created out of kindness for happiness and she’ll achieve it.

Just consider what is important for you happiness or winning medals of social approval? The day DG decided “if you don’t pay my rent and bills then what you think about me don’t matter” half her troubles were gone and the other half is constant work on SELF.

This is a short post and yes, it did cut corners because DG wanted to honor her word that she’ll post before the year end. She is moving on New Year’s Day so she’ll be little busy in coming week or so. But she promises she’ll share her journey in coming weeks and months. Please follow the links carefully because each link documents her journey on this path.

                         Experience is not what happened to you; it is what you do with what happens to you.

                                                                                                                                                                                           -Aldous Huxley.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Once Again Words Lost Meaning…

Every morning lazy DG rises, turns her computer on and goes to brush her teeth. Nothing great about it everyone does that but the only difference is her teeth take thirty minutes or more to brush. With brush in her mouth she reads her emails, check GGTS and news. She wants to hate gmail for it burned her day. She hates how gmail displays the content of the email by displaying the first line, then why do they have subject? Sunny Jaggi of The Browsing Corner had posted on face book “Rest In Peace Jagjit Singh Sahib. You will be remembered and missed sorely. RIP always.” And this one sentence was flashing in her gmail inbox, rest everything just vanished from her sight.

Is it for real, if yes then for a minute DG did not want to know it. Just the other day as soon as she was online Sum pinged to tell her Jagjit Singh had an emergency surgery, her first thoughts went for his wife Chitra Singh and then she broke it to Rinky and within few minutes they relived two decades, their youth, crushes, dreams, hurts and what not…

DG was introduced to the genre of ghazal as a tween, a brother sister duo of a very musical parents sang in school solo song competition Rafta rafta who meri hasti ka sama ho gaye… she appreciated the song but the high nosed singer told her off, it was a ghazal not song, what did silly goose DG know. Then came aa yeh barishon ka mausam hai…, aap jinke kareeb hote hein… things were pretty good until she heard hontho se chhoo lo tum… there it was and all of a sudden every nook and corner of the city echoed it be it All India Radio or street Romeos.  It wasn’t any different from songs (in rendition) and if this was ghazal (not exclusive) DG was good without it. She had almost given up on ghazal then she realized it was not mentioned in the Hindi Grammar course, there were dohas (two liners), chaupais (24 liners) Soraths etc. but not ghazals. If it is not in the course work then it is forbidden fruit she’ll go after it. Oh yes, she has to be there…  She had just turned a teen with lots of bickering, authority defiance, time outs and grounding for everything under the sun, nothing seemed good anymore until one sultry afternoon her neighbor blasted Mera sagar sambhal lo… that was one hell of a voice and lyrics. She had no clue what it meant but it remained itched in her soul… thanks to youtube that she rediscovered it two decades later.

In those two decades a lot happened, high school, crush, second crush, Rinky, second crush, MK, college, second crush, MK, university, disaster called love and love marriage. Ghazal did make an appearance in our lives in high school but it was just few Ghulam Ali classics then an impasse until we reached college in separate cities. It is then DG dragged in A Sound Affair, Live in Concert, Ecstasy… it is then she learned about Sudarshan Fakir, Nida Fazli, Bashir Badr, Gulzar… yes, there were others out there besides Ghalib, Meer, Faiz, Firaq. All of a sudden ghazal was humable. Ghazal, a genre of high culture, forte of the rich and famous was accessible to underdog; this did compromise the quality and technique. DG the underdog was little too much into ghazals, it freaked out her folks (just few weeks ago dad confessed he was wrong in reprimanding DG for her ghazal and naat addiction; he saw Ghulam Ali performing on TV and he asked his friend to call later because he had to listen as it was his daughter’s favorite, yes, times, dad and DG have changed).

In those dreamy years it was Someone Somewhere that shook something deep within, a loss this massive that person looses voice to never ever return to something it loved so much. Then those ugly rumors of Jagjit Chitra separating, did those evil journalists had any consciences? Slowly a voice returned alone to the stage to raise funds for charities, a voice that was no longer as tantalizing as youthful yet at times it turned the soul and sometimes pep the young hearts by experimenting with music videos. By then DG had reverted to her standard classics yet Rinky kept dragging her to these youthful illusions, yes her non classical spouse gave her a musical gift and DG’s DH (read ***k H**d) gave it to his daddy.

The voice had achieved all there was with all the time at hand now could be used to give a chance to new poets and new causes, create new dreams in numerous teen eyes… Yes, the voice will be missed for it was a companion of tumultuous teens, tough twenties… An era has come to an end and so did our youth, Rinks jumped the box two days ago.

DG’s all time favorite jagjit Singh Songs

Dono ke dil hein…

Main Kaise Kahoon…

PS: Keep an eye on this post DG will post few more links to her favorite Jagjit Singh numbers.

DG regularly posts her favorite and rare ghazals and songs on gbuzz, join her on gbuzz.

 

Desi Life: Log, Martyrs and Selfishness

We all are aware of faceless strangers called “log” we have debated and lamented their existence. We can point all fingers to this collective called log but at individual level we have no names and faces to point at. Have we done anything to identify and eliminate these nasty mites that control our lives? Guess not much. This locust called “log” swarm out of wood work when it is a matter of a woman’s body, sexuality and agency. A woman who refuses to commit suicide on being raped; one who is determined to file charges; one who is insistent on walking out of a bad marriage or one who is ready to step into male dominated work arena; one who is single or childless by choice or otherwise all let these tongues unleash their furry. These tongues also demonize anyone that does not match their definition of perfect, be it people with disabilities or health issues. These same tongues go dormant when men rape and abuse women, when men steal and rob banks. Why do these tongues selectively bark?

In the previous case women are exhibiting agency, they threaten the power and control of these tongues. They open venues for other women to follow the suit thus further weakening their control; where as in the later case wagging tongues fail to control male behavior because greater number of men fantasize and take pride in following the suit of abusers, rapists and dacoits.

Watch @7:35

For seven months none of the neighbors gossiped about these two sisters dealing with mental health issues, may be they did. Yes, wagging is their job, taking action is not. Now all of a sudden the media tongues along with the neighboring tongues are leashing out on each other and blaming on apathy on urbanization and vanishing joint family. Oh and now they have found the best scapegoat, a brother who got married and decided to move on. How easily the media has demonized and blamed the brother for the mental health issues of his sisters; indirectly they are pointing fingers towards his wife.

According to them the perfect world of Behl siblings fell apart once the brother got married and his spouse could not put up with the sisters-in-law dealing with mental health issues. These were two adult women endowed with agency who chose not to seek medical help for their mental illnesses what could a brother do in such a case? Had his spouse suggested clinical help and institutionalization of these two sisters she would have been demonized by “log” and parents in-laws if they were alive. Oh, some will be assuming if they were alive the Behl world would have been more than perfect. If the brother would have suggested the same, still his spouse would have been blamed for his choice of those words.

Desis are a codependent culture, where like the families of alcoholics we help maintain dysfunctional behaviors because it serves us as it makes us feel in control and gives us an illusion of being useful. (Families of addicts may present a desire to help them quit but their subtle behaviors support addiction because if the person was clean it would be difficult to face the personal demons and dealing with personal issues.) There are mothers who would refrain severing ties with their rogue sons just to keep them coming back home every night. There are mothers who give their stash of hidden money to their druggie sons so as not to deal with his withdrawal symptoms. There are parents who would send regular installments of dowry money or gifts because they do not want to deal with the issue for once and all. If someone was to call this bluff off and say, “Hey I am done, here on I am not going to be part of this game.” The “log” comes around admonishing them, calling names and ostracizing them because they set a new precedent and open doors for others to walk out on dysfunctional families and relatives.

The word we desis dread is being called “selfish.” We are a culture of martyrs without cause; women take nonsense from conjugal kin and spouses and call it a sacrifice for the sake of their children. Sacrifice by definition means a choice inherent, not choicelessness. Younger siblings are forced to delay getting married just to give the older a chance and then it is branded as a sacrifice. If the younger sibling gets married before the older one he/she is branded selfish. Parents choose to have children and then term their lives as a sacrifice. Does taking care of oneself and one’s needs qualify to be called “selfish?”

Selfish are people who refuse to take care of themselves. Selfish are those who portray a sorry picture of themselves in the name of doing favors. If an action we perform does not accord us a choice to back out then it is not a sacrifice it is a bonded labor (most desi women are in bonded labor in marriage and family). A parent has to change the dirty diaper because a child cannot but a parent cannot go around beating the kid all her life “I changed your diapers” (it is a favorite of desi mothers, “I slept in the wet and kept you dry”). A child did not have a choice to be born, as a parent you chose to have a child. Yes, you have a choice to mark an expiry date on parenting but you do not have a right to go around emotionally blackmailing your children.

It is high time we desis reconfigured definitions of family, community, shame, honor, sacrifice, and selfishness.

Desi Sex Ratio and Marriage: Nirmala* (1925) to 2011

This week the Census of India 2011 exposed our veneer of India shinning. More girl children are missing in a century. We need to be internationally rewarded for our extreme success in eliminating girl children in the 0-6 year age group. We are really very near to solving the problem of crime against women; simple formula no women no crime against women. Dear @IHM often poses a question about India’s faltering sex ratio, if it will ever improve. Then she finds the answer in the custom of dowry, mandatory nature of marriage for desi women and absurd inequalities for the bride’s family.   This video compliments what she says. But if marriage was the bane of desi woman kind then there ought not to be other crimes against women outside the homes and especially married women. Marriage as an explanation for failing sex ratio is too simplistic; oppression of women is complex and multifactorial phenomenon.

Few weeks ago DG made a comment on a post about if marriages are over rated. @IHM blogged about DG’s basic premise on desi marriages; that further lead to a marathon of posts by different women bloggers. Everyone worded their heartfelt grievances against the institution of marriage to their heart’s content. Understanding desi marriage is a bit complex. To marry is one of the favorite national hobbies besides feeding corruption in the desi world (read South Asia, our neighbors are no different than us; rather they compete to keep the tabs with us).

In her book “Dowry Murder: The Imperial Origins of a Cultural Crime,” Vina Talwar Oldenburg found in pre independent India dowry was essentially an upper caste class ritual that intermediary castes adopted to rise up in the caste/class hierarchy. Castes were pretty fluid** at the periphery but the Raj in its need to administer diverse desis tried to fix caste boundaries and duties. Marriages and death feasts became the deciding point. If one belonged to X caste they could/should spend X amount, if they failed that meant they belonged to the lower strata. To keep up one’s position in the caste/class hierarchy or climb up in the hierarchy people started spending exorbitant amounts on these two life rituals, even to the extent where they borrowed money or sold their lands. It is then a rise in female infanticide along with dowry was observed.

It is not to say that communities did not practice female infanticide before that rather there were communities that took pride in the fact they were the bride takers and not bride givers. Village Devra in Rajasthan did not marry a single daughter in 100 years and now again is in news for all the wrong reasons.

In a culture that worships women as Goddesses in the religious texts why there is inherent hatred for living women is something to ponder about. If it is such an oppressive system for fifty percent stake holder why couldn’t they ever topple it, even when they are 50 billion in number they are still slaving. What does a marriage has to offer that women and their families spend all their energies and monies to feed this oppressor? If women are oppressed by the inequalities inherent in marriage so are their natal families. Is marriage only oppressive to women? If marriage benefits men then do all men benefit from it? If not then who are these men who lose in marriage and why? The natal families do not just comprise of all women they do have male members, brothers, fathers and other kinsmen. Are they oppressed too? The answer comes from Sai Akhtar Lahori***, who asks the divine how easy it is to sit in heavens and judge and how difficult is it to be a father of a daughter and a brother of a sister.

Marriage is not the end goal but is the new beginning to sustain this monstrous system. Marriage is not one time expense on dowry and feeding the groomsmen, it is a life long drain on the woman’s natal family. On every festival her natal kin is expected to send gifts to her and her in-laws. On the occasion of her first pregnancy baby shower and child related other ceremonies are her parent’s responsibility. Come the birthdays of kids, weddings in her in-laws’ home every time it is her parents who have to consolidate her position in the household by giving timely and status appropriate gifts. Does it ever end? Guess no, at the time of her children’s wedding, even if her parents are dead her brother(s) ought to bring in rich trousseau for the bride/groom and gifts for other family members. Her reputation depends on these gifts.

A man who is burdened with marrying his sister(s) and daughters finds it easier to accept dowry and gifts from his wife’s family than stand up and say NO to this life long drama. May be he even feels entitled to preferential treatment and gifts because he filled in another man’s coffers. If he could raise a voice to stop this oppressive cycle he faces challenges from other men and women in the community because he challenges their share of privileges. DG recalls a rich uncle of a friend; he married his son to a lower economic class same caste young lady with no dowry. Instead of appreciating his effort and emulating it people in the community gossiped about his son, that he had some flaw (impotency) that he had to be sold for no dowry. His young daughter-in-law was discriminated by other women in the family because she came from poor family and often did not have lofty gifts from her parents to flaunt. After two years of this ongoing harassment DG heard this rich uncle saying he’ll marry his second son according to the caste customs and will accept the dowry too.

DG sees these H 1B visa holder young men living in ghetto like conditions to send money home for their sisters’ wedding and then themselves being sold to highest bidder in the marriage market. DG sees these young poets and writers struggling everyday between their choice to pursue a dream or meet the dictates of masculinity to provide for their sisters’ wedding and submit to their parents’ demands of arranged marriages.

What kind of a system is this where oppressed are vigilant in protecting and perpetuating it and more than willing to feed its gluttony by butchering their beloveds?

If you are a father of a daughter(s) and a brother of a sister(s) do you have the courage to stand up and say “I refuse to waste money on feeding 1000 people I never met and give useless gifts that my daughter or sister will never get to use?”

Or you are the kind like her God forsaken now ex who had the guts to say “I won’t ask for anything but I’ll not refuse if I am given anything by your parents.” Yes, DG did marry that blotch on humanity and she is not proud of it. Yeah, we were cutting costs on food and milk to save for a grand wedding of a pint size terror incarnate (his sister), until last year she was still at her parents’ home. May be the helicopter they saved for is not good enough to secure her a prince in shinning amour.

=========================================================================================

* In 1925 Munshi Premchand wrote this revolutionary story about a young girl from poor family. Herparents could not pay a dowry so they marry her to a widower with children her age. She struggles and gives birth to a daughter and dies. Her last words are, “do not make me a women in next birth.”

**Refer concept of Sanskritization by M.N. Srinivas. It is still potent and functional go to Rajasthan and you’ll find Khati Rajputs, and Khati Brahmins and so on. More loyal than the crown…

***Sai Akhtar Lahori wrote two revolutionary poems about men’s oppression in patriarchy. Allah Mian Thalay Aa and Allah Mian Utte Raho.

Allah Mian Thalay Aa

Allah Mian thale aa              Allah Mian please come down

Apni duniya Venda ja           Come and see your world

Yah asmanon rizaq vara        or else shower riches from skies

Yah fer kar ja muk muka       or else have another dialogue

 

Tanon dhehi viyani pendi     If you were to marry a daughter

nanki chak banani paindi      If you were to give gifts to sister’s daughter at her wedding

rusi bhen manai paindi         If you were to appease an upset sister due your poor gifts

lath jande sab tare chah        All your charms would have left

Allah Mian thale aa               Allah Mian please come down

 

Dhiaan non to jamne daindon     You would have not let the daughters be born

kurman de to tane sahndon         If you were to listen to torments from their in-laws

nal shreekan kade na bahndon    You would not have sat with your kin who make snide

miti jandi kapre kha                  remarks for your daughter or sister is still unmarried

Allah Mian thale aa

tare gher na dane honde          If you were poor and had no food at home

pate leef purane honed            And every thing was old at home

kamle log seyane honed          The rich but insane would have given you a ride

pa dainde tanon ghbara         Allah Mian please come down

Allah Mian thale aa

Once Upon a Time There Lived a Happy Gal=HG

Often Desi Girl receives personal emails from readers seeking support and validation. These emails are all similar but these different writers suffer in isolation wondering as if they are the only ones going through this chaos. The truth is greater number of married Desi women are mired by psychological warfare by waged by in-laws and unsupportive spouses analogous to spineless squids with uncut umblical chords. All this happens in the name of generational reverance, lower position of women as ascribed in the great traditions of this great culture and over indulgence of faceless strangers called “log” in other people’s business. The problems are further exacerbated due to lack of personal boundaries and problem solving skills.

Most personal emails received by DG do not make it to GGTS. DG works with those writers one on one in identifying problems, creating a strategy to proceed and follow up with them time to time. Some write back a thank you note and some never return and DG assumes they are doing good. Today morning DG received this email with this attachement from Confused DIL.

All DG could do was smile and say THANK YOU.

On the request of Confused DIL the previous story board has been removed. It did not show case her talent that well. She wants it replaced by new story board.

 

 

Desi Girl storyboard

 

 

 

 

 

This is a great validation of the work Desi Girl is doing. Thanks to all reader, comment writers and supporters of GGTS.

Approach With Caution: Desi Women Calling Shots

Bless her friends Desi Girl has just returned from a trip abroad. She was a tag along with K, who was attending a conference. Since most of us are single and childless we friends have decided to be there for each other and make sure we meet when ever possible or else take trips together. Who ever can take off from work and pay for travel will tag along where ever the other is going. This is where air miles come handy sweet K used them to fly DG. While she attended the conference DG toured the town and amused herself. On two occasions she attended sessions open to public, a meet and greet event and the formal dinner.

Desis, like potatoes are staple and are found in bulk every where on the planet. There were handful desi men grinning ear to ear in every corner. While K was hobnobbing with peers DG was calculating points of menu items with her WW calculator. DG doesn’t mind being abandoned every now and then but all of a sudden K rushed to her, she seemed bit angry. Sensing her expressions best thing was to smile and wait for her to spit it. She said, “9 O’ clock, oh my I can’t stand it. Why do they even have to try? Don’t look that side.” Okay, then how am I supposed to know what is going on? Let us go to ladies room and then we can talk. Sure.

K: I am sick of these desi middle aged dudes.

DG: Yes, we always were. What is new about that?

K: When will they learn?

DG: Old dogs seldom learn new tricks but what do you want to teach them?

K: Just being desi does not mean I’ll be interested in talking to you, or even interested in establishing any remote affinity in this life time.

DG: Sure, so what happened?

K: I hate it when these men approach me with that grin.

DG: What grin?

K: you know it, that smirk on the face, like trying to strike a conversation and hang around you for no reason.

DG: That is what people are supposed to do at these gatherings. Strike conversations and make professional contacts.

K: don’t pretend you know exactly what I mean. I have to get back in there and I don’t want to bite anyone’s head off.

DG: Okay, will our regaining our composure and cooling off some of the steam change anything out there? So what is the plan?

K: Divide and conquer, you tackle some and I’ll distract others.

DG: How about we stick together and I listen to your pleasantries even though I’ll comprehend nothing and my fore head will wrinkle permanently as I’ll sham interest and comprehension.

K: That sounds like a plan, how about if you had to break ennui or we parted we’ll come to each other’s rescue.

DG: Good, works for me.

We headed back to the floor. Within seconds, we could see a middle aged desi guy (MDG) approaching us. Our divide and conquer and distraction tactics fell flat as his speed of charging was pretty admirable.

MDG: Hello, you are from India

K: Hello, yes we are…

DG (in her mind): wao, what a discovery congratulations, K is wearing a sari duhh.

Few pleasantries exchanged, DG while feigning interest had her eyes on baby keish being served. She was wondering what grooming rules are for such gatherings. Women dress in their best sometime in the national or ethnic wear while men are dressed all alike. There are few wall flowers and few wasps and butterflies in all corners and then there is DG following the food. Sensing K’s discomfort DG strategically coughed as roaming charges applied none of us could make that one important call that rescues one from a bad date. DG has no clue what they were talking but she was pretty bored and her game of calculating BMIs of those in the room was no more entertaining but taxing her mental mathematic skills. Guess it was some thing emcee said that saved us…

Once back in the room K was really charged up and vocal. DG skyped IK for intervention, for a minute imagine shapely K standing 5’3’’ tall in this gorgeous handloom sari with clenched fists and almost yelling in the screen. Here after this is the rule:

If you are pot bellied,

If you are half or full bald,

If you are married, If you have stained teeth,

If your breath stinks, If you are an unhealthy eater,

If you are an MCP, If you are a smoker

Don’t even come anywhere near me…

IK: Ok that is reasonable, but they are not asking you to marry them. It is their choice to be the way they live their life you need not judge them.

DG: (in her head why did you forget sweaty stained shirt guys, those that eat loudly…)

K: Doesn’t matter, they just want to have the pleasure of talking to me and I don’t want to.

IK: This has happened almost all our lives. Is there a better way to deal with it? What can you do about it? Could you be just little kinder and remove your self from the situation?

K: I am sorry I just loose it when I see these losers rushing towards me.

IK: How do you know he was a loser? He was at an international conference just like you.

K: Anyone who fails to take care of themselves is a loser for me. If he was at the international conference I was there too. I have done everything to keep me healthy and agile and I don’t even have a wife to cook and clean for me. I don’t run to talk to any handsome guy I see on the floor. Oh, you are not desi so you have no clue what these middle aged desi guys have in their mind…

IK: I may not be desi but I am definitely middle aged.

K: Have you seen you’re self in the mirror lady? You look younger than us and you work hard to keep healthy and well groomed. I haven’t seen you charging like a bull towards any cute guy.

IK: That is true but this is just spoiling your aura, can you do some heart breath and look where all this coming from.

Ah, sweet IK is doing her therapy thing on a charged bull :) . To diffuse the tension, DG turned the conversation to IK. So what has happened with you lately? IK’s roommate has set up a facebook and twitter account for her and since then she is getting these Fraaandship requests non stop. That is a good thing when you are single. Guys are popping up from wood work. I was in your high school class, I met you at X, …. And then there is this one particular guy he is bit older just in 60 brackets. They were in some class together almost a decade ago. She was impressed with his work and hanged around with him and nothing in particular, she didn’t like him as such. He has been sending IK emails, “you know that I love you, we both could practice together and travel the world.” Then he wrote “I am on few spiritual dating sites, I don’t have much time you know so I want to know what you think about what I said…” Sweet IK is feeling the pressure since he sent her this email, where he wants her to complete a sentence she is literally freaked out, she is really irritated (DG is glad she has no personal FB or twitter accounts rather no one’ll be interested in knowing how many calories she ate). While we were at it T logged in. She has her own melt down, six years of singlehood and 100s of scumbags from matrimonial sites yet no future in sight… She said if she kept her expectations at this rate she’ll never find anyone. She wondered if it is ok to lower our expectations in the prospective partner or settle for something less than we deserve. Then it is said no one is perfect, only yesterday someone asked if one should prefer to live alone or compromise?

After mulling over all the facts and fiction DG concluded:

The fact is if you didn’t like someone when they were young then you are not going to like him now either (a plain Jane transforms into hottie in movies but in real life it is the package that matters not just looks but how person conducts themselves and treats others). If you liked someone then and now they are no longer single stay away you’ll mess it because fantasy is very lethal…  IK think it, why would you like to be with someone older that you’ll have to care for. Yes we are looking for companionship not caretaking… a peer will be a better choice.

Answer to sentence completing exercise: I am too dumb to fill in could you please enlighten me or I am not into such games or I am too old for such games…

It is a good idea to express what one is looking for but it is a bad practice to put pressure on the other person. Drawing timelines is a good practice but expecting the other person to abide by your timeline is not so good. Best way to handle such a situation is to politely tell the person they are great but you are not yet there, at this time your priorities and needs are different. They’ll be wondering what is wrong with them, they deserve an explanation but you need to be firm in what you want and need from a relationship and life. It is not a matter of few hours or days, it is a life time commitment we are talking about.

T, first time we settled because that is what our folk wisdom told us, no one is perfect and you have to get married or else you’ll end up alone. We did compromise and then too ended up alone. Just because of fear of dying alone you cannot marry anyone. Just because your biological clock is ticking you can’t make babies with anyone. You have to respect them enough to keep them around children for all their lives.

Guys, no offense just take a look at where you are in life and in shape. Women have sixth sense to know why you are even striking a conversation with them. Ok it may not be the sixth sense but your body language definitely gives it away. These 30-40 something women are not looking for meal tickets, they are not afraid of dying alone, they have brains and they make healthy choices now on just step up…

What should I say about my friends, they are treasures of my life.

When ever they give me they give me a new headache, how stead fast are they…

Desi Ex Files

The shrilling phone woke DG, it wasn’t early but any hour before noon on Saturday is technically early. It was T* hauling her heart out,

T: Are you up?

DG: Yeah sort of, tell me what’s up?

T: Baw, baw, baw….world is an unfair place, there is no God, there is no justice.”

DG: Um (yawning), oh my, what happened? Are you ok? Tell me what happened?

T: You know he is getting married to her today.

DG: Oh, how do you know?

T: I saw they have posted for registry, I saw it on their wall and you know what, I told it to my dad and he had the audacity to ask, “we could not understand what went wrong between you two?” what part he couldn’t understand that he was cheating on me with his ex-girl friend and he married her.

DG: Yeah, that is really insensitive. After all your dad is a man and he is from a generation that thinks woman is responsible for all marital debacles. But why did you go to their wall?

T: All our friends are common so I can see other people’s comments. It is injustice; he ruined my life and now is enjoying himself with her. I wish they should never be happy. What did I do to deserve this? Did I ask anything outrageous, just a marriage, a home and a family life, is it too much to ask?

DG: I can understand your feelings, but it is beyond you and me to ensure their unhappily ever after… This will hurt until you get what you want and move on… Yes, it’s been years since you enlisted on shaadi.com and encountered numerous scum bags. Each time you face an MCP you are back to square one… Give it a break and may be that will make a difference for now…

T: You know that medico I told you about, she filed for divorce because he could not get it up. She has been cursing every one now even she is married and pregnant. When such a negative and jealous person can get remarried within two years why not me? What is wrong with me? I feel like cursing him and his folks…

DG: Love, I do not know what to tell you. If you want to curse him then do it and get over it there after we are not going back there ever again.

Little more crying and sobbing and life went back to normal until another hurt. When ever we so called desi divorcees struggle with life and face social discrimination, it brings back all the bad memories and all the hurts back to life. Life for many of us just stopped (in desi sense) the day we were kicked out of married people’s club. We are not invited to desi gatherings; if we ever get an invite then dirty looks welcome us and keep an eye on us all evening. When some married woman is kind to us her well-wishers especially other women run to pre-warn her of our evil gaze and designs. God forbid if one of their men exchange customary greetings with us they make 100 meter sprint record to stand in between.

At times we pity these so called happily married women who think we’ll be designing to entice their pot bellied, half bald husbands. We may be looking for companionship but definitely not a married man who is straying on his marriage. Those of us with children (especially young or teen kids) see their exes introducing new girl friends to their children as flavor of the month prefer to stay single so that children have at least on stable household.

Dear ladies, if you are so insecure in our presence, then something is definitely wrong in your relationship kindly work on it than painting us black. Some of us still have it in us and getting a guy is not a problem. Yes, we know there are numerous desi scum bags who want to oblige but the ball is in our court. We can get what we want and we’ll not settle for anything less and why should we? One time compromise is enough we do not believe in second and third…

Such are the times when one wants to blame someone or curse the one who put us through this; who could be better than a spineless squid we now call ex.  All these feelings are normal but our desi upbringing often makes us feel guilty and then divine wrath scares us, wishing bad on someone begets bad karma.

Ah karma, isn’t it good we are done with it in this life time?

*Amu wants to be called T now on.

Of Men, Masculinity and God: Men’s God Kills Men or God’s Men Kill Men

Few weeks ago DG invoked the women of the world to rise and invent a new God who will love them and not discriminate against them. As the readers are aware of recent stampede in Sabarimala shrine hills; it is the same shrine that forbids entry of women. The entry to shrine is an annual event on various occasions during the year. Every believer is expected to make a pilgrimage to Sabarimala at least once in a life time, like Hajj is for Muslims. This pilgrimage requires men to fast for 41 days (vratham); abstain from meat, fish, alcohol, and tobacco, sex, using foul words, hair-cuts and shaving (borrowed from wikipedia). There after take an arduous 45km trek to the shrine through dense forests and hills to see the bachelor God.

DG assumes usually most shrines are at inaccessible heights not because it makes them near to God(s) as some assume God(s) live in the skies; but only committed few will ascend those heights. Taking an arduous journey would give a person an opportunity to contemplate their each step as a misstep could be fatal. In other words such a journey would be a conscious one where one would ponder about the purpose of their life, its direction and their actions. With the advancements in the technology and shortage of time some people are making part of the journey by vehicles through an alternative route before they can climb the hills. If according God(s) user manual do taking short cuts qualify to claim prayer benefits is not known to DG.* It was jeep full of devotees that ran over pedestrian devotees and then other devotees stampede the other devotees (can we blame women here?? May be a lustful thought of a woman distracted the jeep driver). There are many other shrines where even choppers are used to expedite the pilgrimage and those the children of lesser God(s) ride donkey or walk their way to the hearts of God(s). If fasting could be outsourced to the poor, they would jump to the opportunity to make little money to eat after fasting but they’ll die of starvation and no one can be blamed but God(s). It seems like a foolproof way of eliminating the poverty, eliminate the poor but that is already in practice since 1947 by the state economic policies.

If 41 days of fasting and 45 Km arduous hike did not bring out humility and kindness in a person then DG wonders what else could. May be she is wrong may be religiously charged masculinities ought to be immune to humility and kindness, they ought to be courageous and fearsome.** Resources suggest it all started with foul words. May be foul words are proscribed only until one sees the God(s) seated in the temple, on the way back they can revert back to their usual behavior ASAP. Women be happy that you are proscribed entry or you would have been mince meat in this stampede. If you still have suicide ideation there is no dearth of religious opportunities you don’t have to wait for next Kumbh Mela just check these place and visit them; you’ll die religiously and families will be compensated.

Different devotees perform different rituals for different purposes depending on their need and relationship with the God(s)/divine. All those thousands of men making this pilgrimage had some intention best known to them. Some in them would have even assumed taking this pilgrimage would ensure their seat in the heavens near God(s). Those killed in the stampede made it to heaven DG is not sure, but those they left behind (families) will definitely live a living hell for rest of their lives as they’ll miss them dearly. May be the loss will be lessened by the tax payer paid compensations that local government is announcing and opposition is demanding to make it up to Rs. 1 million from Rs. 500,000 knowing there are no funds available in bankrupt coffers. It is just like using the credit card in the Great Americas; you buy the stuff you don’t need with the money you don’t have. These are just announcements will the monies reach the deserving hands is questionable, but it will definitely boost the parallel economy of bribe takers. The shrine management has Rs.100,000 (1 USD= Rs. 45.00) accident insurance policy for the pilgrims and that is it. It has not uttered a word about giving anything to the injured and the dead. Why should they it was all between the men and God(s), those in need should directly approach the God(s), management refuses to broker this sacred relationship between men and God(s).

It is known the Sabarimala shrine receives millions and millions of dollars in offerings every year. Few dissident voices are challenging the maintenance of shrine camp grounds and the services provided to the visitors. What ever arrangements are made for the devotees are inadequate and definitely not safe. The shrine management has Rs.100,000 (1 USD= Rs. 45.00) accident insurance policy for the pilgrims and that is it. It has not uttered a word about giving anything to the injured and the dead. Why should they it was all between the men and God(s), those in need should directly approach the God(s), management refuses to broker this sacred relationship between men and God(s).

Then there are some pointing fingers at the government for not doing enough for the devotees and not providing enough security forces. DG wonders why it should be the responsibility of the state to provide services and workforce for religious functions. India is a secular state, if any religious group thinks they need state services and workforce to help them efficiently run the show then they should pay up. That is how events take place in here, if a community fears there could a trouble at the event it hires private security and even pays the city to send police guards and paramedics. It should be the responsibility of the event organizers that they make sure they do not break the traffic or other laws. It seems the religious fervor is pain in the neck of the tax payer.

Did the God(s) play any role in this self-aggrandizement show of masculinity or they just sat silent to let the men, masculinity and murder play on its own. Then there will be some who’ll own the God…

*Some people think God(s) is like a car. It has to be used according to the user manual (following the rituals) in order to claim insurance benefits (prayers being answered) or the failure to follow the manufacturer’s instructions will lead to denial of claims (prayers unanswered).

A co blogger is still upset in 2011 coz’ she thinks her life is in mess as God(s) are not listening to her. DG has been wondering if God(s) she thinks are her employees on wager (prayers) so they ought to perform the job to her satisfaction.

** The feminine nature of women (kind, delicate temperament, frail gait and fearfulness) is used against them to forbid entry to the shrine.

Women of the world rise it is time to invent a new God(s)

In all religions followers are the subordinates serving the all mighty God(s). They carry forward God’s divine will be it to eliminate the defectors or propagate the followers. There is an unspoken hierarchy between the Gods and the followers. Just as some animals are more equal the followers have their own preferred club for selected few be it caste, class, gender or degree of loyalty based. Most patriarchal religions ordain a subordinate position to women just because they are women. Even the mother Goddesses in the patriarchal religions prefer male devotees over the female or they forbid them during their moon cycle. In patriarchy religion corroborates with other institutions to legitimize oppression of women; seek a change in any law some one will run to fetch a scripture to see if Gods permit it or not (as if Gods’ granted them permission to land on moon and drive cars).

In the colonial times the clergy banded together to prevent women from attaining formal education, they argued the great culture of this mighty land will be erased from the face of earth and most of all the education will divert the much-needed blood supply in the uterus to women’s brains rendering them infertile. When the later argument could not be substantiated it came and rested on the fear “if the educated women will cook and scrounge dishes;” so we have convent educated homely girl clause in the matrimonials. [Similar arguments emerged in the west and many other parts of the world so this was nothing unique to Des, to argue, read the references below this post and we’ll have a good discussion.] It is interesting to observe religions oppress women publicly, intimately and spiritually but still women are its most ardent followers. They not only religiously follow the rituals even those that oppress them but also make sure other women follow the suit; a MIL will insist the DIL carry on the family tradition and perform fasts and rituals that will ensure longevity of the male kin (both women are praying for the longevity of the same man as their social/financial survival depends upon him).

One may wonder why women do not question this oppression or give upon the religion or oppressive rituals. Religion not only scares its followers of divine wrath for individual failures but also makes sure followers monitor each other. In this process of co-monitoring it creates a space for agency and social status for the most oppressed. A woman who is prevented from stepping outside the homes by her in-laws can easily navigate the wider world if she is to perform a religious ritual or pilgrimage that will ensure longevity of their son or grandchildren or welfare of the kinsmen. Those women who cannot utter a word in the presence of family elders or have to keep their heads covered find an opportunity to sing and dance in public amongst the strangers during mata ki chowki; it is one occasion when the great family honor is enhanced not maligned. If one is a true devotee they can get possessed and the Goddess can play through them to beget what ever they want or get even with someone you don’t like or have a grudge against; beat them black and blue no questions asked rather one is worshipped and offered gifts. Then some can do a scary dance and show off their powers to create a fear and reverence in the hearts of their detractors. The important thing to note is that the woman possessed is always the one who is either lowest in the female familial hierarchy or otherwise oppressed young mother. If it were to be a childless woman then she would be dakin, a possesser of evil powers (property was always in the root).

The idea to evoke women to find their own God has been tossing and turning in DG’s head for quite sometime because she read the fear in a co blogger’s post and in many other women’s writing but it was finally nailed in by this post. DG is sure the Gods’ (especially the bachelor God) were okay with Jayamala’s visit twenty-four years ago because no curse befell on her, she had a thriving career. Not Gods but the male followers felt violated because she escaped their scrutiny. Now when they have found out her folly the sheepish few have to subject her to penance (fines/imprisonment) and commit them and Gods to purification forgetting a lots of water has been under the bridges… Both Gods and these men had numerous baths in last 24 years. How imposing fines will purify the impure is beyond comprehension it just brings to mind this couplet in Urdu.

Is shehar e tijarat main har cheez moyassar hai      

(In this business world every thing has a price)

kitney ka nabi lo gay , kitney ka khuda logay             

(how much will you pay for a demi God and how much for a God)

The multiplicity of Gods raises too much confusion, to each their own.

If someone was to question the existence of God, will it offend the God? Could one describe God? If one could then it won’t be God, it will be just another thing within human comprehension.

The over emphasis on HE God (yes, some believe he has little bit of she in him) tilts the whole balance. Women constitute half the population they can demand an unattached (single) SHE God (Goddesses won’t do as they are wives and mothers tied to male Gods for status; each Goddess is subordinate to a corresponding a male deity).

SHE God who’ll not be upset with women’s moon cycles she’ll not feel polluted by the touch of a menstruating woman. If they were to become impure that will imply a woman in her periods has more power than Gods. Will have to wonder what kind of God is it that fears a menstruating woman.

At times it seems working with Gods is like walking on egg shells. Do X or Gods’ wrath will befall on you. Don’t do X or Gods’ will be offended. They appear to be pretty angry and vengeful easily offended by minor ritual failures. Is HE a God or a neighbor’s kid who believes in tit for tat; you slapped me so I’ll kick you.

On another level it seems it’s not God(s) but a Car that one has to use according to the manufacturer’s user manual (rituals) or the insurance claim (prayers) will be denied (prayers not answered) hence loss (may be curse).

There has to be a mutual relationship with scope of negotiations and play like Moshsin naqvi says:

Har zara chamakta hai anwar e ilahi se

(every particle shines due to God’s grace)

Har saans yeh kehti hai hum hein to khuda bhi hai

(every breath says, if I am then God is)

How about a kind and benevolent God, who’ll not discriminate against anyone; not even non believers. Who’ll work with us in bringing out the best in us humanity, kindness and compassion? Who’ll accept us for who we are irrespective of our doubts and weaknesses and help us in being human.

DG has one such kind and benevolent God that was, is and will be always be there for her. Who does not scare her with fear of hell or entice her with promises of heavens. She is willing to share it with you or you can find your own God.

 

 

For Good Reading:

Padma Anagol, The emergence of Feminism in India, 1850-1920.

Gena Corea, The Mother Machine: Reproductive Technologies from Artificial Insemination to Artificial Wombs.

 Charu Gupta, Sexuality, Obscenity, Community: Women, Muslims, and the Hindu Public in Colonial India.

Mery Keller, The hammer and the Flute: Women, Power, and Spirit Possession.

Bibliography on Witch Hunting in India

The references are purposefully incomplete to keep GGTS a non academic space.