Signs of an Abuser

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Here are classic Signs of an Abuser:

Pushes for Quick Involvement:

Soon after meeting he starts talking about exclusive commitment and wants to take the relationship to next level be it physical intimacy or engagement or not seeing other people. In case of Mahajan, agreed he was on the show exclusively for marriage but both of them could have asked for more time to know each other than be surprised after marriage.

 Jealous:

Excessively possessive; calls constantly; crashes on you; is always suspicious either you are looking at someone or someone is looking at you. He feels insecure all the time. Mahajan insisted in the middle of the night his wife tell him who sent her an SMS. If it was urgent she would have told him but he could not wait because he was jealous and insecure.

 

Controlling:

Calls you constantly and too much or asks too many questions and cross questions about your day such as, where were you? Who was with you? Why did it take so much time etc? If you named a person you were with he may even call them to confirm if you are telling the truth. He may monitor your phone calls, may visit your work unexpectedly Don’t be surprised if he keep a tab on your car/scooter mileage. Makes most of the decisions in the relationship, you don’t voice your opinion because you are afraid of upsetting him. 

Another dimension of control is manipulation. Often abusers in the beginning of the relationship are readily available to meet all your fancies. They’ll go far and beyond to meet your expectations in a way that you’ll feel obligated to meet their requests.

Unrealistic Expectations:

Wants you too meet all his needs be it of affection or releasing anger. You should be perfect woman, ideal wife, girlfriend etc.

 Isolation:

Prevents you from meeting your family and friends or people who do not approve of him. He accuses your supporters or his detractors as “trouble makers,” or “causing trouble in the relationship.” Checks or insists on checking your purse, diary, phone. Prevents you from meeting your friends. All this doesn’t have to be direct.It can be done very lovingly like, “I want to spend all my time with you,” “I feel lost when you are not around.” “I miss you when you go away.” It is a way of controlling your every wake moment and isolating you from people. He can even go to an extent to jeopardize your job by delaying you from reporting on time, showing up at your work, calling you too many times at work. If this continues either you’ll quit or you’ll be fired. 

Blame it on the World:

The angry young man of 70s and 80s is still around. Every thing wrong is someone’s fault. You made me angry by not following what I said. He cut me on the road that made me loose my temper. It is always someone’s fault.

 You can Save Me or I Die:

Never takes responsibility for his actions and behavior. You made me angry, you made me do X. I am unhappy because you won’t do X for me. I am sulking because you did not agree with me. It is your job to keep me calm and happy. Devdas is drunk and dying of cirrhosis because Paro won’t forgive him. To save him from cruel death is her job.

Hypersensitivity/Drama Junkie:

Every thing is about the abuser. He/she is easily insulted, feels hurt a about minor things. People are looking at me. I know what you are thinking. Rants about divine injustice meted out to him, as if the whole world is after him/her. The universe is out to get him.

His relationship be it with his parents and siblings are pretty dramatic regular fights, pouting and make up.

Cruelty to Animals and Children:

Yells at, beats or kills animals. Expects little children to perform beyond their age. May tease children to such an extent that they start crying. 65% abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

Insensitivity:

Is rude and abusive to those with less power than him/her. Feels entitled to the services of those with less power and prestige. May yell at beggar; be rude to waiter or porter. Look out for these signs they can blow away a very polished exterior.

Verbal Abuse:

Uses foul language, curses, degrades, calls names, and says cruel and mean things.

Rigid Gender Roles:

Believes in stereotypical gender roles, expectations and entitlements. Example, house keeping is a woman’s job; if a man helps he is doing her a favor. Man is the head of the household etc.

Unexplained Mood Swings:

Switches from sweet nothings to violent verbal berating or physical violence. Breaks things and plays rough while still talking sweet nothings. In all desi languages there is a saying “his/her anger is like boiling milk,” it is a way of endorsing and minimizing abusive behavior. Someone just released their pent up anger at another person for no reason or someone just released their displaced anger on a wrong person. After a release they are normal and the recipient is dealing with the after effects and confusion.

Past Battering:

Reluctantly admits battering previous partner but blames it on her for instigating him. “She made me do it.” Mr. Mahajan has classic history of partner battering. Had Ms Ganguly paid attention she could have saved the heartache. Past behavior is the mirror of future behavior. It is very hard for abusers to keep up the façade, sooner or later their true colors show. Yes, people can change only if they take responsibility of their behavior and realize there is a problem. None had happened here.

Makes Threats of Violence:

Threatens to use force if you do not submit to his demands. “I’ll beat you.” Then immediately denies it. “I was just joking.” “Do X or I’ll kill my self.” “If you try to leave I’ll kill you or I’ll spread rumors about you.” In a way he’ll blackmail you. You are affraid of his threats because you know he is capable of executing them. You are afraid of breaking up the relationship. May be you do not know how to break up.

Violent Sexual Fantasies:

Playful use of force during sex. Finds rape exciting. Throws or pins you down during sex.

An average middle class dating scene will some thing like this click to read…

Read How Abuse Begins…

PS: Attributes of an abuser mentioned here are based on Conflict Tactics Scale 1 & 2, used across the world for more than 70,000 times. Some readers may feel they qualify as an abuser that means there is something in their behavior towards their partner that is not right. They may take inventory of their conduct and work on their relationship. That is a choice they have to make Desi Girl do not judge anyone but she definitely does not condone violence in any form.