Is it Love or Person Addiction?


Is it love or person addiction?

We are aware of substance addictions numerous people face. Some people face person addiction. Substance abusers are addicted to drugs and are aware of the bad effects but find it difficult to give up. Like wise, some people know certain relationship is bad for them but they find it hard to break away from it. Every relationship goes through usual periods of disagreement and disenchantment. It is inevitable as two people from different backgrounds come together. But a bad relationship involves continual frustration; there seems to be a potential in the relationship rather that potential is always out of reach (it can get better if I try little harder, it can get better if he/she give me a little more attention/affection).We feel we are attached to someone who is “unattainable,” maybe, the person is not aware of our affection for them (one sided love), the object of our affection is committed to someone else (love triangle) or is not capable of having a committed relationship with anyone at all (we love the person more than they love us).  In such relationships the basic relationship needs of one or both partners are not met. Bad relationships destroy self-esteem and prevent us from moving on in our personal lives. They breed loneliness, rage, and frustrations, as there are not many common grounds of communication and enjoyment.

Staying in a bad relationship not only causes emotional distress, but can also be physically harmful. The continuous stress leads to metabolic (chemical/hormonal) changes in the body that drain energy and lowers our resistance to physical illnesses. This can often lead to unhealthy escape mechanisms, like alcohol or drug abuse, even attempts to commit suicide. We all are aware of people who are in unfulfilling relationships who have fallen sick, are all the time angry, sad or depressed and even some who are abusing alcohol or drugs or have attempted to commit suicide. 

In such a relationship you feel unappreciated, worthless, and you lose your their freedom to be your best selves in the relationship. You love the other person, not out of choice, but dependency because you have believed you cannot live or function without them.  You feel you lack the freedom to leave this destructive situation even when you want to.

You are not alone, many people struggle with similar choices. Even people with strong personalities find it hard to break free. Your stronger self will advocate breaking the relationship and stop feeling helpless but the vulnerable self will refuse to take action or will become clingier. You’ll feel going in circles with these emotions, it is in this sense this relationship is addictive.

 Are You Addicted to a Person/Relationship?

 

  • You are aware this relationship is bad for you even others have told you so but you have taken no steps to end it. In your heart you know it is not working but it is your comfort zone so you do not want to break it.
  •  Your reasons to stay in the relationship are not strong enough to counteract the harmful effects of the relationship. The cost of staying in the relationship is more than the benefits of the relationship itself. You are mostly sad or unhappy but you do not want to explore any other possibilities beyond this relationship. 
  • The thought of ending the relationship gives you terrible anxiety, and fear that makes you clingier. “I feel how I will ever live without him/her.”
  • When you take steps to end the relationship you experience, painful withdrawal symptoms, including physical discomfort that is only relieved by re-establishing contact. When ever you have decided you’ll not make that phone call you have felt the stronger urge to call. You may even make repeated phone calls to just hear his/her voice. Once you heard the voice you felt a great relief.

 

If most of these signs apply to you, you are addicted to that person and have lost control to direct your own life. To free your self from this addiction accept it you are in an addictive relationship. Now work on finding the root of this addiction that will help explore if the relationship can be rescued or you need to quit.

 The Basis of Addiction

 The decision to remain in a bad relationship is influenced by many factors. At the superficial level the practical considerations appear like financial dependence, lack of alternative living arrangements, welfare of children, social disapproval (saving the face, what will people say), and disruption in career or academic progress.

At a deeper level our beliefs about relationships in general and ourselves in particular that hold us back. These beliefs are social messages we have picked from all around us like the hit boolywood songs “janam janam ka saath hai” (love is for ever), “woh tere pyar ka ghum ik bahana tha sanam yeh na hota to koi doosra ghum ho jaata” (life is worthless without love), “tum bin jiya jaye kaise” (what is life without you?), “pyar kiya to nibhana” (fulfill the promises made in love), “it is wrong to break someone’s heart.” Also relevant are beliefs about ourselves like “Tum gagan ke chandrama mein dhara ki dhool hoon” (you are the moon in the sky and I am the dust on the floor), “I am not attractive or smart enough,” or “I should try harder to save this relationship.”

These deep seated feelings and ideals often keep us stuck in bad relationships. Such feelings make home in our mind and soul very early in the childhood and impact our adult lives without our knowledge. Children need love, nurturance and encouragement to become independent. If parents are successful in giving a loving, nurturing and encouraging childhood, the children will feel secure as adults and will be able to negotiate relationships successfully. If the needs of unconditional love, healthy nurturance and encouragement are not met in the childhood, children are left “needy” as adults and thus are more vulnerable to codependent relationships.

 Overcoming Relationship Addictions

 

Following are ten steps are recommended by authors Howard Halpern and Robin Norwood. They have worked extensively on the dynamics of various types of relationships and their works are recognized in the field.

 

  1. Accept it is not love but a person addiction.
  2. Make your “recovery” your first priority.
  3. Have courage to face your own problems and shortcomings.
  4. Identify your needs especially those gaps that make you feel undeserving or bad about your self.
  5. Focus on your needs instead of controlling and managing other people. Once you focus your attention on your needs and feelings you’ll discover you no longer need others to make you feel good or secure.
  6. Find out what brings you peace and serenity then practice that task. You can practice meditating or some exercises that will connect you to your core and the greater universe.
  7. Live your life with consciousness. Be aware of relationship games and traps that can get you “hooked” like trying to “rescue” (helper) some one even when they are capable of handing their problems, “prosecutor” (blamer) so and so is a bad person or is a cheater etc., and “victim” (acting helpless even when you can find ways to address your problems).
  8. Seek support from people/friends who understand what you are trying to change.
  9. Share this knowledge and what you have experienced reading this page with others.
  10. Consider getting professional counseling.

 Time to Seek Professional Help 

  1. You are unhappy in the relationship but are not sure if you want to work on improving it or leaving it.
  2. You have made up your mind to break-up but are unable to take steps and feel stuck.
  3. You suspect you are in the relationship for all the wrong reasons but feelings of guilt and fear of loneliness are paralyzing you from taking an action.
  4. You recognize that you have a pattern of staying in dysfunctional relationships and you have not been able to change it all by yourself.

 For additional help refer:

Halpern, H.M. (1982). How to break your addiction to a person, New York, NY: MJF Books.

Norwood, R. (1985). Women who love too much. Los Angles, CA: Jeremy P. Tarcher, Inc.

Scheffer, B. (1987). Is it love or is it addiction? Brenda. USA: hazelden.    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

20 Responses to “Is it Love or Person Addiction?”

  1. Deb April 25, 2014 at p04 #

    Dear Desi Girl,

    I fear that I have a pattern of being in dysfunctional relationships that time and time again break down my self defence and self esteem. I live in Bangalore and am an independent working woman. Since you advised professional help in the above case, I would like to know of some options that are available. Would you be able to help me out?

    Thanks in advance.

    @Deb,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Congratulations! you recognise a pattern in your relationships, that is the first step towards reclaiming your life. Please email DG at girlsguidetosurvival at gamil dot com with an email id that DG can write back to. We can discuss other details there.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  2. Kelly February 13, 2014 at p02 #

    I have been in a relationship with someone for 2 years. For one and a half years he has been a heroin addict. I have lived with him and stood by him all this time and he has failed to contribute financially to our house. He has lied to me and let me down repeatedly. I’ll admit that occasionally we get on well; we can be affectionate and laugh together. But the bad times far outweigh the good times. Yet I have always found it difficult to break away from him. It has taken the police to raid my house for drugs and my sister to find out what’s going on for me to kick him out. I’m in agony at losing him. I’ve now realised tha I’m addicted to him. I know he is bad for me and everyone tells me he is, but I can’t bear the thought of being without him

    @Kelly,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Now you know he is addicted to cocaine and you are addicted to him. Same rules will apply as those in a substance addiction treatment. You need a complete detox. The only difference with person addiction is to know where your addictive dependence on this person is coming from. Usually it is rested deep somewhere in our childhood experiences. There are many tools here on GGTS in posts, pages and comments free for anyone to use. Any personalized support is nominally charged.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  3. Stephen December 4, 2013 at p12 #

    Thank you for this information! I have been in a rather destructive relationship for a year and a half and every one of the signs are there. “I am addicted to this girl!” We just don’t see the world the same way much less relationships. She is a liar and a cheat and I have been hurt almost on a daily basis. Depression and anxiety have been my close friends. She physically is the girl of my dreams and we share many similar interests but how we view a “relationship” just never matched at all. It is a difficult fight and the facts are hard to let sink in. The truth is, I have been used and I let it happen. hanging on the hope that she would change. This has been the greatest struggle of my life but at least the realization has been set in my head. I feel I still have a way to go yet, therefore I thank you for this information.

    @Stephen,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Glad DG could help.
    You said: …hanging on the hope that she would change…
    Just think is there any reward for changing or any punishment for not changing? If the answer is “no” then why should a person change anything about themselves.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  4. zmack August 20, 2013 at p08 #

    I am an individual of strong personality. I always knew to be on the look-out for the most obvious things like, physical abuse or verbal attacks. But, so many elements of person addiction are highly inconspicuous!

    @zmack,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Yes, addictions are inconspicuous as we are too aware of the negatives so we assume we’ll be immune to toxicity. Detox we know entails severe and painful withdrawls so it scares us.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  5. priyanka June 2, 2013 at p06 #

    nyc post…….will try to follow it :)

    @priyanka,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Try it, only then you’ll know how nice it is :) .
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  6. Santulan February 27, 2013 at p02 #

    Thank you DeeGee. A friend of mine is going through a relationship like this, which I keep telling her is not good for her. Maybe reading this will help. I am forwarding the link to her

    Like

  7. Ltaylor October 28, 2012 at p10 #

    I just left my BF of eighteen months house in a rage. We have been having issues and I have been putting my best foot forward taking whatever I can and hoping things will get better. He is a pill addict and pot head. He promises me things will get better but they do not. His daughter snaps his fingers and he does whatever and whenever she wants to do it even it is coming home from her mothers in the middle of the night. Today was supposed to our day but his daughter requested she spend the night again and he said yes without even asking how I felt. As the day went on and she did not leave to go to her mothers I had to askk if she was going to her mom’s and that is when he imformed me she was staying yet another night. He goes from treating me like a queen and making me feel like the only woman on earth to his least priority. I am very hurt but after reading these post I am learning that this is not love it is me being addicted to be accepted by him. There are so many problems with drugs, motivation and drive that I dont want to work them out. I know it will be hard to leave this relationship as he has help me several times financially and I have to pay that money back. I am going to mail back payments as to avoid having face to face contact with him. When I conforted him with the problems, he had nothing to say and just said she he would talk to me later. The cycle is make me mad, call in a few days promise it will be different and it does not change but for a few days leaving me hope. He tells me never wants to marry again but I do, So I guess I keep lowering my wants and needs to be with him. I realized today there is only so far I can lower myself to try and be with him.

    @Ltaylor,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Glad you came to the realization of the nature of your relationship.
    Hope you see a pattern in your interactions with your partners. Here this link will explain it better. Though your relationship is not violent but it boarders on abusive pattern.

    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/cycle-of-violence/

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  8. Haresh Patel July 2, 2012 at p07 #

    I’m glad to have read the above post. It’s long-enough to include everything from knowing yourself to taking steps to (try to) come out of the addiction (or love!).

    When a relationship is not working well and you are trying hard to save it, there is something wrong somewhere. Probably you are addicted. I wonder if there is really anything called love.

    Thank you DG for writing all mature posts that are informative, that doesn’t preach unnecessary gyan but provide comprehensive list of steps that can actually be taken by the person in need for their better mental, physical, social and psychological health :-)

    I’m glad that I came in touch with you and this blog and your advice helped me in a very big way to move on. I’m obliged and will always be :-)

    Thanks a lot again.

    @Haresh Patel,

    DG learned early on preachy unnecessary gyan never helped but how to do something step by step always worked.

    You asked: I wonder if there is really anything called love.

    Don’t know, it is for each one of us to find our own definition now when we know the definitions of love given to us have failed us miserably. :)

    Glad DG could help. She could help because you had the courage of accepting there was a problem and you needed help to correct it.

    You need not be obliged just share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Muskan khan June 5, 2012 at p06 #

    Hello!
    dis is muskan here.
    I wanna share my story.
    About a year ago i made a fb a/c. Added my school, colg frnz n cousins. All the cousins (even those who i nvr talked to)
    I chattd wid frnz,sumtyms wid cousins too. Bt it was all restrictd to hi hello wassup n bye. I was an irregular user, nt a huge fan of fb.
    Until few months ago i wud seldom visit fb.
    Bt then this summer-
    When i went for admission at my college, i came 2 knw that my aunt-uncle n their family visiting our village. Jus 20mins short frm my colg

    @Muskan khan,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Guess you are at a wrong blog. Please spend sometime on improving your language than wasting space on GGTS.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  10. Lucy Rum April 3, 2012 at p04 #

    Hi I’m Lucy and I am a love addict.First of all I’m loving this blog and the comfortable space it creates for people like me.I’m particularly grateful for posts related to soulsearching root causes of one’s love addiction.I agree that childhood traumas,be they sexual,neglect or physical,parental divorce or loss,are major causes of love addiction.Just to add I also found about highly intellectual people as love addicts.I’ve been reading about how ‘gifted/talented people’,as they are commonly referred to in psycology,are often ‘highly sensitive’ and as a result tend to form addictive relationships with people.

    Like

  11. Lucy Rum April 3, 2012 at p04 #

    Hi I’m Lucy and I am a love addict.I agree that childhood traumas,be they sexual,neglect or physical,are root causes of love addiction.I also found out that some intellectually gifted people who have problems with social interactions usually love become addicts.I’ve been reading a lot around ‘gifted people’,as they are commonly referred to in psycology,and their ‘over sensitivity’ as a contributing factor to becoming ‘person’ addicts.I’m loving this blog!Thanks

    @Lucy Rum,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Acknowledging there is a problem is the first step towards resolving it. Congratulations you have taken the most important step of your reclamation journey.
    Over sensitivity is a result of extreme extrapolation of consequences on to ordinary situations; the inability to realistically comprehend the causes and consequences.
    Glad DG could help.

    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  12. Fritz December 30, 2011 at p12 #

    Hi my name is Fritz and for one year I’m going through a Person/relationship addiction.

    The high I get when I’m with her is out of this world, I have never done drugs in my life but now I know what an addict feels like, it completely overwhelms my senses and thwarts your ability to make sane decisions.. I have been for the las 4 months trying to break off the contact with Betty even though we are not together anymore and have been unable to do it. My strong side will promise never to talk to her or be in contact but the next time she calls or texts I will succumb to her again…. and again. I have finally made a strong commitment to end it, spiritually and economically. Even with professional help I am still looking at ways to stay connected with her.

    I have finally realized where this addiction is coming from and I’m beginning to reprogram myself. I AM ADDICTED TO BETTY, I have accepted it, I was never in a Love relationship, my needs where never met and there is no future commitment. By helping her with her issues I was able to stay connected and feed the next HI. Even when there was nothing in there for me, but the HI.

    Now I know what will be my mantra for a while:

    “There is nothing I can do for Betty anymore”

    @Fritz,
    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
    Why for a while may be you can work on making it a mantra for eternity. Start taking small, measureable steps in the direction and you’ll be there.
    Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

    • Stephen December 4, 2013 at p12 #

      Wow, I am not alone………

      Like

  13. restless September 20, 2010 at p09 #

    Hey!

    You know this is a great effort to bring out all the possible causes and cure for various aspects of relationships, which you write in your blog.

    This post, again, puts things correctly. People in relationship sometimes, may not realise that it is mere addiction. This one too like any other material addiction can be very painful.

    Very informative post, hope a lot of youngsters read it.

    RESTLESS

    Like

  14. bake August 25, 2010 at p08 #

    I am a medical student studying abroad in.I along with the friends used to live together in a flat.With the passage of time i got addicted to one of my friend and i feel all the symptoms of person addiction.I was feeling bad before we got separated coz of holidays.But i was not as much hurt i expected to c again. When i heard he is migrating it seemed to me an age of my life has passed away. I told him that i got addicted to u and i m not gonna have any telephonic contact he said i have hurt him. Now i m struggling hard to get rid if it. waiting for councelling

    @bake,

    Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.

    …i m not gonna have any telephonic contac the said i have hurt him…

    From what Desi Girl understands either you are struggling hard to get rid of this friend or the guilt.
    That is your prerogative if you want to have any contact with the other person or not. If you have conveyed this then please stay strong on it. Do not revert because the other person is making you feel guilty. In any way you have to be strong and seek support of those who understand you. Please contact your school’s counselor for professional guidance. There is no shame in seeking help, it is a smart thing to do. Desi Girl says so because blogs and chat forums do not provide extact help one needs these are just mediums to identify sources of help.
    Please feel supported and do come back to let us know how things are.

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like

  15. Moumita May 3, 2010 at p05 #

    Really nice post !! Love ur writing style..

    Like

  16. Stefan February 27, 2010 at p02 #

    Hi,

    I beliefe the “basis for addiciton” is more the root causes for being a “love addict”, rather than the answer to the question ” why are love addicts staying in their relationsships”? I agree with you when you say “…even people with strong personalities find it hard to break free. Your stronger self will advocate breaking the relationship and stop feeling helpless but the vulnerable self will refuse to take action or will become clingier.” In this regard, I think it is also important to understand the root causes for love addiction. This, I found is an important step to cope / deal with the addiction and move forward, e.g. through counceling. I am trying to summarize useful information and helpful products / links on the topic of facing love addiction on my web-page, http://www.facingloveaddiction.com and one of the points I found during my research is that often early childhood sexual trauma or a failed relationship or unhealthy infatuation during early adolescence are the roots for sex addiction. In my opinion, the addict is not to blame for these roots.

    Like

    • girlsguidetosurvival February 28, 2010 at p02 #

      Yes, addicts can not be blamed for the root cause of an addiction but it cannot be a justification to continue addiction. Once one identifies the root cause they should proceed with taking responsibility of their actions. Person addiction is different than sex addiction. In person addiction a person is an object of fixation whereas, in sex addiction, sex is the fixation and person does not count. For a sex addict sex act is important than the person they have sex with. Person addiction often emerges from latent abandonment fears.

      Like

  17. Mortgage Modification February 23, 2010 at p02 #

    I’m reading through some of your blog and so far so good. I’m still a little lost on the subject, but plan on bookmarking and coming back. I have found several other sites and am trying to consolidate them all so i can compile a list of resources.

    Like

  18. Clemente Hoot February 16, 2010 at p02 #

    wonderful post, I will be sure to bookmark this for more of your writing.

    Like

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आयुर्वेद : आयुष ; ई०टी०जी० आयुर्वेदास्कैन : AYURVEDA : E.T.G. AyurvedaScan ; आयुष आविष्कार ; ई० एच० जी० होम्योपैथीस्कैन : E.H.G. HomoeopathyScan

AYUSH ; Ayurveda + Yoga & Nature Cure + Unani +Sidhdha + Homoeopathy ; आयुष पान्च चिकित्सा विधियो को मिलाकर एक टर्म बना दिया गया है , जिसका मतलब [१] आयुर्वेद [२] योग और प्राकृतिक चिकित्सा [३] यूनानी चिकित्सा [४] सिध्ध चिकित्सा [५] होम्योपैथी चिकित्सा ; आयुर्वेद के अलावा भारत में आविष्कार की गयी और भारत सरकार द्वारा परीक्षित की जा चुकी मान्यता प्राप्त विश्व की पहली और अकेली आयुर्वेद की शत-प्रतिशत पूर्णतया स्वदेशी तकनीक "इलेक्ट्रो त्रिदोष ग्राफी : ई०टी०जी० आयुर्वेदास्कैन " , जिसका आविष्कार जून, १९८६ में कानपुर शहर, उत्तर प्रदेश, भारत के आयुष चिकित्सा वैग्यानिक डा० देश बन्धु बाजपेयी - मोबाइल: 09336238994 - e.mail : drdbbajpai@gmail.com द्वारा किया गया और जिसका लगातार विकास कार्य जारी है / E.T.G.A.S. तकनीक द्वारा (1) आयुर्वेद के मौलिक सिध्धान्तों का स्टेटस क्वान्टीफाई करने और इसी तकनीक द्वारा (2) शरीर के सभी अन्गों और प्रत्यन्गॊ में व्याप्त समस्त रोगों के निदान ग्यान की वैग्यानिक aproach की जानकारी कराने और सबसे नवीन दूसरी आविष्कार की गयी निदान और रोग ग्यान तक्नीक आयुर्वेदा थर्मों ग्राफी ; आयुर्वेदा ऊष्मा-स्कैन ; आयुर्वेदा थेर्मल मैपिन्ग एवम स्कैनिन्ग के अलावा आयुर्वेद की अन्य की गयी खोजों में तीसरी खोज ”आयुर्वेद हीमो-मीटर मशीन” द्वारा रोगी के रक्त का परीक्षण करके आयुर्वेद के सिध्ध्न्तों का मूल्यान्कन तथा चौथी खोज रोगी के पेशाब / मूत्र का ”आयुर्वेद यूरीनो-मीटर” द्वारा परीक्षण करके आयुर्वेद के सिध्धान्तो की उपस्तिथि के अलावा मूत्र के अन्दर पाये जाने वाले पदार्थों का विष्लेषण करके रोग निदान की विधियों की खोज रिसर्च सेन्टर द्वारा कर ली गयी है और रोगियों के लिये उपलब्ध करा दी गयी है ...आयुष AYUSH चिकित्सा विधियों के बारे में विश्वसनीय और सटीक और अचूक और सही जानकारी और शोध पूर्ण और शोध युक्त ग्यान बोध कराने वाला द्विभाषीय चिठ्ठा ...................................Ayurveda and AYUSH Therapies including Chines Accupunctur, Magnet Therapy,Physiotherapy etc and with this in June, 1986, invented by KANPUR, Uttar Pradesh State, INDIA based AYUSH Medical Scientist Dr. Desh Bandhu Bajpai - Mobile : 09336238994 - e.mail: drdbbajpai@gmail.com , completely indeginous AYURVEDA SCANNING Technology - "Electro Tridosha Graphy ; E.T.G.AyurvedaScan " system, EXAMINED & APPROVED BY GOVERNMENT OF INDIA , by which (a) status of Ayurvedic Fundamentals are quantified and (b) examinaton of whole body for diagnosis of presence of anomalies and ailments , Second scanning system of Ayurveda Discovered and Invented by Dr. D.B.Bajpai ; Ayurveda Thermal Mapping and Scanning , Other research in Ayurveda is Third one which analysis Blood by AYURVEDA HEAMO-METER devise and Fourth one is AYURVEDA URINO-METER for analysing the contents of urine and status quantification of Ayurveda Principles and is avalable for patient in our research center...... provides information about Research and Developments technology provider , authenticated subject material publisher, Bilingual Hindi and English informer Blog

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