Questions to Ask Before Marrying
I know for sure for both the genders if they are contemplating a relationship and more so a marriage both arranged or love marriage they have to be on the same page on the following:
1. Why do you want to get married?
- Because it is that age.
- Because everybody gets married so you are doing no different
- Because your parents want you to get married
- Your singlehood bothers you
- Your biological clock is ticking
- You are affraid of ending up alone
Not good enough reasons. Unless you truely feel you want to be with someone to share your love and your joys with them I guess it wont work, rather it will generate resentment in the coming days.
2. How you plan to raise/dicipline kids if you plan to have any?
- If parents are not on the same page then children play them against each other.
- If you both are not on same page how you’ll discipline children then of you will use children as human shield to get even with the other when ever there is a resentment on something else.
3. How you plan to spend the money they make?
- Who’ll pay for what and how much is to be saved and how stocks/bonds or property.
- How you plan to allocate your personal expenses.
- How much will you give to charity (that is very important to me). A spirit of giving keeps the couple grounded.
- How you plan to help their parents or siblings if the need be.
- Seperate accounts each and a joint account is my recommendation.
If man is making more so he plans to spend on expensive gadgets or she is making money to pay LuiVuotons. Some balance has to be there.
4. How you plan to take care of their aging parents?
As a woman I want to have cooperation from my partner to help and care for my parents it is not just my brother and his wife’s responsibility. My parents loved me equally and sent me to the best schools. I don’t give a damn to faceless strangers called log and my partner’s conservative parents who demand I serve them before I think about my parents becuase they are ladke wale. Done one time not ready another time around…
4. On what issues can his/her parents give their take.?
- What is negotiable and what is not. Some in-laws freely give sex advice. See the comments http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/dealing-with-in-laws/
- Few parents think they can walk into the bedroom when ever they want.
- Strong personal boundaries are recommended.
- If he says my parents made great sacrifices to raise me I can’t talk back to them or how long are they going to live we need to keep them happy. Or I don’t expect anything from you than other than keeping my parents happy.
- Check your priorities. He and his folks lack personal boundaries. They will not change because that is how they have been living. And nobody knows how long anyone will live. So are you willing to mortgage your life for indefinite period of time. Least but not last remember you cannot make anyone happy. Everyone owes their happiness to themselves it is not another person’s job.
- Some women’s parents too have defused boundaries they feel insecure that their daughter is not getting a good deal so they try to tutor the couple.
- Remember you are two adults in a relationship. You are capable of making your own decisions. If you think you cannot make your decisons without upsetting your parents, relative or sibblings then I guess you are not ready for a relationship.
5. How you plan to spen your WE time, vacations?
- Often guys drags wife and kids to visit his parents and that is called vacation.
- Other times a couple is glued to TV watching a movie to avoid any meaningful conversation. Been there done that…
5. Do you have similar political or religious idealogy?
- In theory and rarely in practice people can work this out. Not every couple is Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Schriver.
- Family that eats together and prays together stays together. Still works.
- You don’t have to have same religion but your beliefs should be well grounded in kindness and compassion for all humans so that one partner doesn’t emotionally manipulates the other to do something they do not believe in.
- Political ideology sets the stage for everything if you are conservative or liberal will reflect in your outlook towards the life.
6. Do you share a common spiritual practice?
- Being Spiritual is different than being religious.
- Something that connects you to the greater universe or world beyond you, me and our family.
7. How do you plan to resolve conflict?
- Taking time out.
- Make an appointment when you both are willing to talk about the disputed issue.
- How long are you planning to harp on the issue. Indifinite silent treatment is basically emotional blackmail.
- If things go really bad are you willing to seek professional counseling
- If either of you cheat then what would be the consequences
- If there is violence verbal, emotional, spiritual or physical who goes to the cleaners (determine the consequences in the begining so that you know what you’ll do instead of shrinking in shock like I did).
8. If a guy or girl is rushing to take the conversation or relationship to next level and you are not comfortable consider it a red flag because he or she is not able to keep up the hype any longer.
http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/take-a-quiz-are-you-abused/
- In the folk wisdom it is said engagement should be short and marriage should be long. Short engagement means rush the things up because either party is affraid the skeletons in the closet may jump out.
- Take your time. A broken engagement is better than broken marriage.
8. Women, if he asks you will you consider taking his last name after marriage.
- Check your priorities because this man is subscribing to gender stereotypes and will expect you to do more gender role specific chores and caring in the relationship.
- His arguments will be very convincing like, “I always thought my wife to be called Mrs. X .”
- It is convenient for legal purposes. In legal parlence a woman is still not natural guardian of her biological child she is only a guardian. so do not even entertain this reasoning.
- It will make my parents happy. Won’t you like your brother’s wife being called Mrs. so and so…
It is your right to live in peace and peace requires every one to make an effort. Happy Married Life…
Excellent post for people who are considering marriage. Thanks DG.
Offcourse asking isn’t good enough. If you ask someone how conflicts will be resolved, you will get a nice answer about discussing the matter with love and respect and reach some compromise, but there’s no guarantee that this is what happens in practice.
Much better to have tried it. There’s no substitute for actual experience. Before I got engaged to my wife, we had been living together for more than a year. This answers every question above, except for the issue of last-name and child-rearing. And it answers the questions in a much better way than any discussion could possibly do.
Marrying someone who is, in essence, a stranger, is always going to be a risky proposition.
@Eivind,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
You are right living together before walking down the aisle gives you the real picture and if you are willing to put up with it for rest of your life. But in desi context it is a rare possibility. Recently a young friend told DG he is living-in with his GF before announcing wedding date next year. Yes trend is changing.
About conflict resolution- everyone say communicate and talk it out but the thing is no one tells how to talk and what to talk unless there are consequences for certain behaviors people don’t do the right thing. At times they don’t even know if the conflict is not resolved even if they have talked out.
http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/lets-talk-communication-deadlock/
Committing for life is definitely a risky preposition be it for love or for arrangement…
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
did i mention the honeymoon to the wonderful zoo that the wife pays for because husband cannot afford honeymoon. but husband can afford to help share cost of taking friend’s wife/brother’s wife on vacation/honeymoon. me wanna have nice romantic movie honeymoon……not even in my dreams. it’s alright…i’ve eaten enough ice cream to make up for the anger. im ok. chocolate ice cream.
don’t forget to call your mother and tell her where your husband takes you for vacation, hubby will ask you to call her, to add up his plus points as a good son in law. also, show your mother the winter supply, sorry wedding gift, that he got you….jacket, hat, mittens, boots.
Often guys drags wife and kids to visit his parents and that is called vacation.
never ever clicked but so true. that is vacation. you can add his friends as well, parents or friends- visiting them is vacation….what a lovely break and relaxation………and don’t we end up fighting more after such vacations?
another vacation is when your friend has visited somewhere and you get jealous/want to compete so you take your wife/kids there as well, or maybe you just wanna do what friend suggested.
so if wife says,” i always wanted to go to x/ i would like to go there”, she hears it’s never going to happen. but of course we go far distances on vacation to see out friends and shamelessly try to impress their girlfriends in front of wife, and those parents who induce guilt in us for not living with them. wife always enjoys such vacations. good memories. not.
I really feel grateful reading this list and being able to check off “yep, talked about that.” On some things I feel like more of the gender stereotype encourager, like taking last name. He doesn’t consider it important and seems to prefer I don’t take his last name if we get married. Both of us agree on the finances, child rearing. etc. One thing we haven’t talked about is privacy once the parents come. Good to have some ideas of things to discuss.
Nicely written.
I especiall liked your advice about not rushing things after the engagement “A broken engagement is better than broken marriage”.
All the Best
Vikram Karve
PS – In my case the folk wisdom proved correct – short engagement (21 days) long marriage (nearing 30 years and still going strong) – but then that’s a long long time ago.
@Vikram Karve,
Welcome to GGTS, a safe space.
That is great that it worked for you. Today we believe more in the quality of marital bond than it’s longevity; a long stagnant marriage for us won’t do in this time and age.
Please share this message of hope with anyone who may benefit.
Peace,
Desi Girl
I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I do not know who you are but certainly you’re going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already
Cheers!
Definitely useful questions.