Desi Cougars Vs Desi Wolves

This msn piece on relationships caught Desi Girl’s eye, she did not know what to make of it. The story as usual had mentions of few bollywood icons that dared to swim against the tide. These were all married couples where women were older than their spouses. The author in her over zealous attempt pulls in a psychiatrist to give his expert views on the issue (just wondering if he is qualified to even speak on this issue). He does mention it is not about feminism but about women and men making choices. Wao, it feels as if feminism was just a waste of time, we were all born with right to exercise choices, only we did not know it; caste, class, gender, religion etc. do not have a bearing on our choices. Then he goes about explaining daddy fixation in women looking for sugar daddies and mommy fixation in men leading them to sugar mommies. Coming back to the issue the author borrows the word “cougar” from the western media (along with pictures) and juxtaposes it on desi milieu, as if bollywood represents everyone living in Des.

If these ladies are cougars then we have had enough in the past be it political marriages of the royals or marriages in agrarian communities. For the royals it was a marriage of convenience with allies and for the agrarians it was marriage of labor; an older bride meant she was able to provide farm hand and progeny as soon as she came into the new home. Then there was the custom of “nata” (levirate) where older brother’s widow was married to his younger brother or cousin. None of these women really had any fun, it was just marriage and marriage in desi communities is an obligation not a choice. If you consider it a choice try staying single after certain age and hear rumors about your sexuality and sexual prowess in circulation. DG believes some people just get married because that is what everybody else is doing and few others try to shut up family and the faceless strangers called “log.” In her enthusiasm to write this author did forget explore the literary world and mention the name of Amrita Pritam, Manu Bhandari and many more that swam against the tide by choice in times much before these bollywood trinkets sprouted and nobody called them cougars.

The marriage, in patriarchal societies essentially rests on the shoulder of the woman who is younger than the man. A junior partner is easy to induct into the new household (at marriage women move to live with man and his family) and dominate (a senior partner can boast of more experience and earning power). Some will jump in with their evolutionary theories about female’s need for a strong father and provider for her progeny; it is another story that many strong and providing are wife beaters, child abusers and often found wasted in gutters. And few others would rather make good grandfathers to their kids than father. As women are younger to men at the time of marriage they are bound to loose on the fun part before marriage and once they are married there they are unlikely to have fun because remote controlling in-laws will make sure they have no girls’ night out. :)  The whole cougar concept becomes problematic if the woman marries the man, as fun is subtracted from the equation. In the west the cougar label is accepted as part of fun not just marriage, the end.

If women could have fun with younger men[1] and not get married then it could qualify for cougar label. It is not that it is not happening it is but there is so much stigma attached to women having fun with no strings attached  that it is concealed and where they can be in the open and out these pink chaddis march in. Could we call them “wolves,” the old men having fun with younger women? These young women are often called gold diggers. What would you call these young men who are willing to oblige some cougars with their masculinity for wads of notes?

[1] DG has strong objection to the word auntie (coz’ she is one to her niece) coz’ men in similar situations are not called uncles.

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