Love, Sex Aur Dhokha: A Tale of Blackmail

20 Sep

Love, Sex and Dhokha: A Tale of Blackmail

When ever love is spoken of an imagery of tender feelings and personal vulnerability comes to mind. Poets and laureates across the globe have spilled enough ink in defining what love is. What ever the love may be it always has some foreseeable goal that has to be attained. If it is divine love then it is the merger with the divine is the end goal as mentioned in the sufi and bakti tradition. If it is mortal love then may be connubiality or constant support and understanding as in the case of platonic love.

 If connubiality is the goal, then love as defined by the bollywood songs and melodramas works over time with hormones that are suppressed in the name of morality and illegitimacy. In transitioning economies along with gender roles gender expectations are fast changing but the gender ideals (read stereotypes) have failed to keep pace. The age at marriage has increased and so has gender comingling leading to more possibilities of meeting prospective marriage partners in non traditional settings. Even then in a society divided on the lines of caste, class, religion, creed, region, ethnicity, nationality etc., a couple has to cross all of these barriers and mind the raging hormones. If it were a woman then she has to even guard her own desires and temptations while proving her love to her beloved. The sexual innuendos of the folk songs that were cleaned by the pre colonial nationalist elite are re-inducted into the social psyche through electronic media. The sexual element or the act of sex itself in the relationship that was once subtle is no longer and is often manifested to claim modernity, acceptance into peers or to prove “the love.”

When love goes sour due to what ever reason it hurts and it hurts bad to the one who is more invested in the relationship. If the love that had sex in it goes bad then it hurts even more because this was not in the plan. The hurt is more and grievous to the party that placed more premiums on sexual integrity. Mindless sex in a professed love relationship is possible only for the people who have no intentions of honoring their words rather are sure to get away with no personal or social repercussions. It is an old and endless debate if sex on the pretext of a promise of marriage is enough to be termed as rape if the promise is broken. Often sex in a rather prospectively marital relationship enters on the false promise or understanding that marriage is the ultimate goal. Under such presumptive false pretexts if marriage were to be considered a contract then it was broken at the stage of retention. Can any damages be recovered without further harm to the reputation of the offended? If yes, then what could it be; monetary compensations or forced company of an untrustworthy person who is incapable of loving.

This whole equation takes another form when a person entices sex in the name of love and then pimps the poor beloved to others just for fun or monetary gains. Every now and then sex scandals and blackmail chains are exposed across the nation that involves middle class educated young women from well to do families. How do these women fall prey to these blackmailers? And more over how are these blackmailers able to continue their gruesome trade. The answer is as simple as that the word called “love” is pretty intoxicating making people let their guard down and our media glorifies hormone rush as love. These blackmailers are able to continue their evil designs because they know they can get away without any consequences as society will bash the victim for falling prey.

It could happen to any young woman you know. Kindly follow the links and empower yourself with information that can help someone.

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9 Responses to “Love, Sex Aur Dhokha: A Tale of Blackmail”

  1. Jubeee October 7, 2010 at p10 #

    Desi Girl,

    As you know I am a gori who lives in America and dates a desi man. I am comfortable with sexuality as is he. What I find upsetting is that other desi men are always calling gori women sluts with loose morals who are completely self absorbed but don’t find anything wrong with the hyper-sexuality of western men.

    Its clear from the absolute onslaught of these kind of opinions that this is pushed through your culture. It hurts being told you are a slut over and over, while they simply make excuses for men.

    I hope that some day we women, can be who we are with out the constant ridicule about our life choices and our bodies from others.

    @Jubeee,

    Desi Girl commiserates with you that desi men call names to white women. If it is any consolation then believe me they call names to all of us educated, employed and strong desi women too. DG has finally accepted this concept:

    “What is the difference between a slut and a ho?”
    “A ho sleeps with everyone, a slut sleeps with everyone but you.”

    These men are basically crying sour grapes. For them except their own mothers and sisters all other women walking on the street are sluts and those refusing their advances are essentially sluts or lesbians. In one of the previous posts http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/09/10/what-is-desi-sex/ the search engine terms spoke volumes but with every passing day those terms are growing uglier and disgusting. So you can understand how sexually frustrated the majority is.

    Like you DG hopes some day women will not be defined just by their bodies and men will think beyond their bodies.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

    • nolongeraslave February 17, 2011 at p02 #

      @Jubee

      I completely agree that it’s not just white girls that are called sluts, but Desi girls too. Any Desi girl that doesn’t fit the norm of what a “good Desi girl” should act like is called a “slut that no Indian man would want”.

      I never agreed with the stereotype that white women were easy, but some Desi men accused me of being naive for not believing so.

      Like this

    • Atheist Indian April 23, 2012 at p04 #

      “These men are basically crying sour grapes.”
      So true. In my personal observation, the biggest slut shamers are sexually insecure men or insecure women who feel threatened by the so called ‘sluts’.

      As for white women getting branded sluts, there are a mix of factors at play. The average Indian man has very little social experience with women and most Indians in general have no social experience with white people. Top with with Bollywood stereotypes that white women are sleazy (item songs and unfaithful ‘gori wife’ are a recurring feature in Bolly hits) and you have the results. Also Indians, even the self-proclaimed ‘liberal’ ones are sexually very conservative and prudish, so they have a very low threshold of what is sexually acceptable behaviour and what is deviant.

      To be fair, it isn’t like Indians are the only ones to be blamed for creating negative stereotypes. There are a lot of negative or unflattering stereotypes and prejudices against almost every non-WASP ethnic group/religion/race in United States. Where white women are sexually stereotyped in India, Mongoloid and Slavic women are sexually stereotyped in United States.

      @Atheist Indian,

      Sorry it took DG a long time to get to your comments been down with stuff. Yes, agree with you. Stereotyping of the “other” especially women is common across the globe they are a tool to establish self (community) aggrandizement; holier than thou.
      Mail order brides are a big industry in the US. White men who don’t stand a chance with American women rush off shores.
      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Like this

  2. Cilla September 23, 2010 at p09 #

    Its also about changed gender roles, we have women competing equally everywhere and going through the same stress, living alone in cities and yet its not ok for her to have let alone sex, just a partner of her choice. DG parents wouldn’t mind the girl getting divorced after marrying an incompatible guy of their choice, that will get explained away as fate. But if she dare choose a guy of her own, its a problem. I have always struggled with this double standard of independence. Women are expected to be independent in every way but suddenly when it comes to marriage, she becomes an idiot or less than equal and has no choice. Its a strange conundrum.

    Also why is only a girl supposed to be a virgin, does she have the right to demand a virgin husband? I know I am probably taking this too far, but why should my character, my integrity be only judged by the fact that I haven’t ever even been touched by a man? Is there any hope for women who have followed their heart in our society or shall they always be condemned? It takes two to tango right?

    @Cilla
    …Is there any hope for women who have followed their heart in our society or shall they always be condemned?…
    Yes, there is hope had not our desi feminist foremothers pushed the boundaries you and me would not have been able to write all this :) . Push the margins and never accept no as answer for why you can’t or should not do something because of your gender.
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/desi-parenting-raising-confused-daughters/

    Please do refer the comments too.

    …It takes two to tango right?…
    Yes, it is takes two to tango but here the tango is threesome :) You, me, sara khandan (all extended family) and traditions . We educated and equally competent women are not threatened by men who oppose our presence in public space because we clearly know they are against us. We face dangers and resistance from these tango partners who claim to be liberal and supportive in our pursuits for equality till it is outside the home and our relationship with them. :)

    Keep pushing hard and fast my friends…
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  3. Bikram September 22, 2010 at p09 #

    ITS NOT just WOMAN .. They do the same to MEN to these days … it works both way … I have seen it happen the other way round tooo.. so girls have made it a mission to bed as many men as possible before they settle ..

    Its a pity that when a MAN does its gets flashed all over and not otherwise …

    Human traffiking is becoming a big problem here also.. we see young girls and boys or hear about them so often.. it is a problem and a THRIVING business tooo.. but then its people amongst us , who are paying to have the pleasure.. there is so much demand .. what needs doing is stopping the deman.. the rest will all stop…

    @Bikram,
    Could you please give us a ratio of how many men to women are seen in similar situation. Desi Girl is yet to come across a case where a man was raped by a woman, she and her friends took his pictures and blackmailed him and then pimped him to other women to make money out of selling his sexual services :) .

    Young boys and eunuchs are trafficked and their sexual services are sold to other men definitely not women.

    …girls have made it a mission to bed as many men as possible before they settle ..
    Please give figures not flat statements. At interpersonal level such things do happen but still are fewer than men exploiting women and sex trafficking women.

    …its people amongst us , who are paying to have the pleasure.. there is so much demand .. what needs doing is stopping the deman.. the rest will all stop…

    Yes, there is demand because this demand is created, as half the human kind is viewed as objects existing to amuse the other half. Unless objectification of women and other sexual minorities stops and there are serious consequences for sex exploitation it is not going to change. The punishment for drug peddeling is severe than pimping and raping. Even if arrests are made the prosecution still remains remote and bail procedures are simple. So what needs to happen? Everyone joining hands in curbing this practice.

    When GGTS gets search engine terms mentioned in the previous post what do you think is happening? There is demand and where is it coming from. Educated people with internet access… definitely the illeterate struggling to meet ends are not using internet (they have their own sexual economy). All those questions need to be addressed instead of getting defensive and proposing no solution.

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Like this

  4. Bhagwad Jal Park September 21, 2010 at p09 #

    I feel that the entire problem of “promise you’ll marry me before I agree to have sex with you” arises because of the great issues people have with sex in general.

    I think too great a deal is made of sex which should be treated as just another expression of human nature. Broken hearts are common with young people who get over it in time.

    So a girl who’s “ditched” after being promised marriage suffers greatly not because she can’t get over the fact that she was ditched, but because she’s afraid of what people will think if they know. And that to me is where the problem lies.

    @Bhagwad,
    You are on dot. It is the double standards of sexual morality that make women vulnerable to abuse.
    Peace,
    DG

    Like this

  5. restless September 20, 2010 at p09 #

    Desi Girl,

    I feel most of the times girls know what are they heading into. If the word “love” puts girls off guard, the touch of a man tells whether it’s love or lust.

    It is more of sincerety and as u say addiction to relationships that women sometimes fail to judge the person and fall prey to such worthless guys.

    Btw, there is a programme on MTV, i think, Emotional Attyachar, wonder have u seen that?! Must see it!!

    RESTLESS

    @RESTLESS,
    It is more complex than it seems to be. Often times these very young women and they are duped into having sex, not excluding being drugged and photographed. It doesn’t end there then that man passes on her information to other men, who further exploit her. This moves ahead where these men start blackmailing her into bringing her sisters or friends with her or they threaten to hurt her family or expose her naked pictures. That is how blackmail sex scandals work.

    The whole idea of this post was to discuss how human trafficking takes place and it can happen to anyone. It happens because women’s social survival is linked to their sexuality, whereas, men’s sexuality is considered predatory and acceptable. Until these definitions of masculinity and femininity are changed on egaliterian terms and there are severe consquences for sexual assault it is hard to imagine an end to this.

    Yes, onetime Desi Girl did watched an episode of “Emotional Attyachar” to know what was it all about as she was writing a post for indiblogger contest. Bedi lacks looks and talent and the show is a poor imitation of MTV show “Cheaters.” DG is not into reality TV and it is not very tasteful.

    Peace,
    DG

    Like this

    • Haresh September 20, 2010 at p09 #

      “It is more of sincerity and as u say addiction to relationships that women sometimes fail to judge the person and fall prey to such worthless guys.”

      Completely agree with you.

      @Haresh,
      Where a question of addiction arises that person will have low self estemm and will not make big hue and cry about being exploited rather will jump into another dysfunctional relationship.
      Here the question is about how a same act of sex has differential consequences for both men and women. Our society penelizes women for sex outside the confines of marriage whereas man if not rewarded then definitely faces no reprimand. These double stardards of sexual morality puts women in vulnerable position and leads to their exploitation.

      Peace,
      DG

      Like this

      • Haresh September 23, 2010 at p09 #

        Yes. From your post’s links, I surfed around to read about some scandals that happened in India. And, there was one thing common that the women’s family either didn’t support the woman; let alone supporting her, they added to her woes. All this… often without any fault of hers.

        Shallow values of our society :-/

        @Haresh,
        Till women’s bodies are tied to the shame and honor of families this will keep happening. Till there are no serious consequences for sexual assault this will remain happening…
        Lets do our part in challenging these stereotypes and supporting the survivors.
        Peace,
        DG

        Like this

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